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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
- I have two news for you: one good, the other bad.
- Start with the bad.
- You have memory lapses.
- Start with the bad.
#illness
I used to be scared of pretty girls. So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
#sexandshit
The first rule of procrastination club will be covered on the next meeting.
#illness
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
#sexandshit
I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.
"Fat bastard", I yelled at him.
#mortality
I've met a lot of weird girls.
They ask me back for a coffee, but instead I end up having sex whilst being really thirsty.
#sexandshit
If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
#sexandshit
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
#sport
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
#other
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one – and let the other one off.
#other
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
#sexandshit
The devil finally gets to Hitler in hell,
"What the fuck?" Said Hitler, "nearly seventy years you've had me waiting."
"It's your own fucking fault," replied the devil,
"have you any idea how long it takes to catalogue six million Jews?"
#racism
After 17 job interviews, and still no job,
I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.
#other
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
#sexandshit
You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans.
That's crossing the border.
#racism
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
#other
I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day,
if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.
#other
Young people nowadays moan about having to work long hours for a pittance, but they don't know the half of it.
When I worked on the railways in the early 1940s, I put in 18 hours every day and got paid nothing. And I never complained once.
If I had, the Japs would have shot me.
#other
"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"
"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?" "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
#other
American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.
Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.
#racism
I failed my biology exam yesterday.
I was asked to name a parasite currently residing in Britain.
Apparently 'Muslims' wasn't the answer.
#racism
My butler is such a dick.
He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad".
#other
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
#other
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.
It's seven.
#illness
My wife just walked in on me watching "Menstrual Lesbian Babes" on the internet.
There were red faces all round...
#sexandshit
I noticed two lesbians kissing in the bar and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query.
I asked, "What exactly is it about dicks that you don't like?"
One of them replied, "They ask stupid fucking questions."
#sexandshit
I walked in on my son trying to suck his own cock.
"Oh my god," he jumped up, "Sorry dad, it's not what it looks like."
I said, "Don't worry son, I've tried too."
"Really?"
"Yeah," I replied, "But you woke up before I had the chance."
#sexandshit
The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'...
Which also means nothing.
#other
Child: "Dad, how high is that building?"
Building: "If I'm already built, why am I called a building?"
Dad: "Pretty damn high."
#other
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
#illness