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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
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I was watching a news report about the typhoon in the Philippines. A man looked into the camera in tears, surrounded by devastation and dead bodies.
"Help us..." he cried. "Please help us..."
I wanted to, but my remote doesn't have a "Like" button.
#mortality
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
#illness
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
#sexandshit
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders one quarter of a beer. The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."
#other
The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably...
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
#crime
"It's about time I told you an important thing," I said to my 15 year old son.
"What is it dad?" He asked.
"You were adopted," I murmured.
"That's impossible!" He exclaimed, "We look the same."
"Well," I replied, "That's because we are fucking Chinese."
#racism
The internet is an amazing thing, One minute I'm at work looking up random pages passing the time. The next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.
#other
A woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery.
#religion
I caught my son listening to a song called "Smack my Bitch Up".
I took him to one side and explained it wasn't big or clever to hit women.
"But Dad", he said, "It's not about that at all. It's about injecting women with heroin so they can be manipulated into prostitution."
I apologised for my mistake.
#crime
The email picture said, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten".
How ironic! Every time I kill a kitten, I masturbate!
#sexandshit
I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center.
Took me 20 minutes to realise it was just a homeless woman shouting at a dead rat.
#celebrities
My parents just said they want another child.
"I'd love a sibling!" I insisted.
"That's not what we meant." they added.
#other
Women are like wine.
Some are white and dry while some are dark and full bodied.
But to be honest, I couldn't care less what mine are like as long as they're cheap and go down nice and easy.
#sexandshit
I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.
I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
#sexism
As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me.
Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.
Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.
#sexandshit
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well
#other
If the theory of evolution is true, why did snakes lose the ability to talk?
#religion
What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
#tv
I must be so lucky, all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town. What are the odds?
#sexandshit
I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked
"Well not really, I only went back two days"
#sexandshit
You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“
#sexandshit
Hungarian doctors who delivered a baby to a brain-dead mother say this is only the third case in the world.
Nonsense. There's fucking hundreds of them on the council estate where I live.
#illness
What's the difference between sex and the US Presidential elections?
In sex, the decision to choose the cunt or the arsehole is a pleasure.
#politics
If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."
No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.
#religion
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E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.
In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".
#celebrities
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
#other
If my grandma knew how much I spent on her funeral she'd be spinning in her ditch.
#mortality
Ethiopia announced that it will ban pornography on the internet.
That makes it the first country to use a porn filter before using a water filter.
#sexandshit