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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
The hardest day of my life was when I was 6 years old, my father went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and never came back.
I had to go a whole day without a smoke.
#other
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.
The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."
#other
My girlfriend said to me, "I want you to make love to me like they do in the movies babe".
So I slapped her ass a dozen times and pulled her cheeks apart, squeezed her boobs, bit the nibs, fucked her in the ass, half strangled her to orgasm, pulled out and forced her head down and jizzed in her mouth.
It turns out we don't watch the same movies.
#sexandshit
My name is Jafar
I come from afar
There is Note 7 in my car
Allahu Akbar
#news
What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
Niggers.
#racism
A wise man once said:
Keep your daughter away from red lights.
Keep your son away from blue lights.
And for fuck's sake keep your bedsheets away from ultraviolet lights.
#sexandshit
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
#racism
I just lost my job at the swimming pool as a life guard.
Apparently tapping the "No Bombing" sign as a Muslim family walks past isn't acceptable.
#racism
I like my girls how I like my scotch.
12 years old and mixed with coke.
#sexandshit
It's pretty cool when you're in your bed, it's 7AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, and it's suddenly 8:45.
But when you're at work, it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, and it's fucking 2:29.
#other
"My wife doesn't understand me like you do."
I said to the fourteen year old, Polish prostitute.
#sexandshit
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the moon, and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
#celebrities
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover.
#other
As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me.
Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.
Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.
#sexandshit
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well
#other
I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.
#crime
Stuart Hall "The media just take anything i say out of context and twist it to make it look like I'm a gay perverted paedophile."
The Sun "Stuart Hall - I'm a gay perverted paedophile"
#sexandshit
The human resources manager in my company told me that we have a problem with sexism.
So I fired the stupid bitch.
#sexism
How we wake up in the morning:
Brain: "Oh fuck."
Body: "Don't get up."
Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAAA!!!"
#sexandshit
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
#other
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.
She doesn't have a headphone jack.
#other
Spreading a woman's legs is like spreading butter...
It can be done with a credit card fairly easily, but I prefer to use a knife.
#crime
Why did God give women yeast infections?
So they knew what it was like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while...
#sexandshit
My professor called me into his office.
"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."
"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"
He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
"Dave69 on Pornhub."
#other
I own a solar powered food maker.
It's an apple tree.
#other
What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?
They both turn "o" into an "O".
#sexandshit
How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?
One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.
#sexism
⬆️ As you see, Telegram allowed inline bots in channels.
I don't promise such buttons in future posts, just for testing purposes. Feel free to like (or dislike) message above.
Enjoy :)
I was watching a news report about the typhoon in the Philippines. A man looked into the camera in tears, surrounded by devastation and dead bodies.
"Help us..." he cried. "Please help us..."
I wanted to, but my remote doesn't have a "Like" button.
#mortality
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
#illness