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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I was having sex with a girl last night. We did it doggy style and it lasted one hour and thirty minutes...
That's four and a half minutes in human time.
#sexandshit
A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.
He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...
Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.
The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...
In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!
#other
Whenever I have sex with a woman I feel like a superhero.
Usually because I'm wearing a mask.
#crime
A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
#other
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday.
They don't make them like they are going to anymore.
#other
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.
If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.
If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.
#crime
The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.
It's an attention-seeking missile.
#other
I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...
It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.
#news
India is the first country to send a rocket to Mars.
Before having a sewage system.
#racism
Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.
#news
You know you're watching too much porn, when you are filling up your gas tank and before it's full, you pull out and spray it all over your vehicle.
#sexandshit
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
#sexism
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.
#religion
She wears my t-shirt to bed. She wears my jacket when she's cold. She'll even wear my boxers.
But when I wear her panties one fucking time, I have 'serious mental issues' and I have 'overstepped my boundaries'.
#sexandshit
Why are ethnic girls better at sex?
Because I don't understand when they say no or stop.
#sexandshit
So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.
#sexism
After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.
So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
#racism
In case you were wondering, the male G-Spot is located at the back of a woman's throat.
#sexandshit
You know it's a good fucking fart when even kids don't find it funny.
#other
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
#celebrities
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
#religion
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious
#other
Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.
I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.
#sexandshit
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."
#sexandshit
Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one...
I think he needs Help.
#illness
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said she'll be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
#other
What does a Catholic shout during sex?
Get off me, father.
#religion
What's the similarity between Nike and the KKK?
They both make black men run faster.
#racism