13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing.
I forgot the shopping list
#other@Sickipedia
Three friends decided to bet each other 100 pounds on who could make their wives scream more during sex.
They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again.
The first friend said, "I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours."
The second friend countered, "That's nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that."
Then the third friend said, "That's pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming..
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English
He looked at me and said “me? How?”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.
I told him “bro, you were there!”
#other@Sickipedia
I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal
I got fired
#other@Sickipedia
How do you make number one disappear?
You add a G and it's Gone
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model.
When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
A young couple is watching a movie in a movie theater.
She: "I think the guy next to me is jerking off."" He: "Why would you think that?" She: "He's using my hand."
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
A receptionist is sitting at a doctors office when a priest walks up to her window and says I’m here for an 8:30 appointment
She finds his appointment and says “well it seems everything is in order but we don’t seem to have an emergency contact for you” to which he responds “I do not require one, if my lord and savior has plans for me there is no one to contact, for he knows where I am”
she agrees and he takes his seat a few minutes later a monk walks up and says “I’m here for an 8:45 appointment” she says “ I see your appointment but it seems that you don’t have a preferred pharmacist chosen, where would you like to fill your prescriptions?”
And he replies “that is not necessary as I will meditate and heal my body without western medicine” and she agrees.
A few minutes later a rabbit hops up to the counter and says “Im here for an appointment at 9:00” she looks in the schedule and says “I see your appointment but we don’t have your blood type” he looks at the priest and monk and says “I think I’m a type o”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Breaking news: Scientists have finally discovered how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid.
Turns out, the Pharaoh placed the first block himself, then got two guys to place the next two blocks, telling them they'd get a cut if they found four guys to place the next four blocks, who then found eight guys to place the next eight blocks, who found sixteen guys to place the next sixteen blocks...
#other@Sickipedia
My girlfriend dumped me while going up in an elevator.
It hurt me on many levels.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My doctor told me that I was going deaf.
That news was hard to hear
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
#other@Sickipedia
Cigarettes are like Linkin Park
It starts with one
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I met a girl who said she wouldn’t date me because I used a dumb phone.
So I texted her back 222666666555066655022999333333.
#other@Sickipedia
not sure about the original version of this joke, but the working one is 22266666655506665502299933, which is COOL OK BYE
The secret to a long life is to wake up every morning and…uh…uh, that’s about it.
~ George Burns
#other@Sickipedia
A termite walks into a bar and asks
"is the bar tender?"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two male deer walk out of a gay club.
One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How does the potion master please his girlfriend?
Elixir
Explanation: "elixir" sounds like "he licks her"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"
I responded,
"The gas, electric, and cable company."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
How do we know that Mike Tyson isn't very religious?
He punches people in the faith.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey.
He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out.
“I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.”
The bartender complies, but again,
the man spits it out.
“This is only 10 years old! I’m not paying for that either!”
Frustrated after several rounds of the same routine, the bartender pours another drink and says,
"This one’s on the house."
The man takes a sip, spits it out once more.
"This tastes like piss!"
The bartender sighs and replies,
"Alright, genius, now guess how old I am?"
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.
#other@Sickipedia
Who was the least guilty American president?
Lincoln. He's in a cent.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife said she would leave me if didn’t stop making jokes about European cities.
I’m determined not Toulouse her.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I've only been eating dried, salted meats
But the good news is that I'm cured.
cured meat - вяленое мясо
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my school karate classes became useful.
#other@Sickipedia
My professor farted in front of the whole class today
I would have preferred a private tutor
#wordplay@Sickipedia