The Onion

13 Mar 2023 21:00

Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Original Weight: ‘I Gotta Lay Off The Placenta,’ Says Worried Fetus https://bit.ly/3JBAiiw

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 19:30

U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For Sale From Hundreds Of AliExpress Vendors https://bit.ly/3FHzjuT

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:45

Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again https://bit.ly/3FglymE

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:28

October 11, 2021: ‘The Onion’ Accidentally Sent Our Sex Columnist To Interview The Pope https://bit.ly/3v3Bgv5

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:27

April 12, 2016: Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God https://bit.ly/3JeQ5lP

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:25

Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom https://bit.ly/3mQhQd7

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 17:21

It worked perfectly every time, and without any need for medicines or external devices. Too bad the Mayans all got slaughtered and the only 100% successful form of natural birth control was lost to history. https://bit.ly/3Jgfxrd

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 17:15

Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times https://bit.ly/3Fju987

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 16:30

Badass Car Driving Around With Parking Ticket Still On Windshield https://bit.ly/3Jyp5iG

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 15:00

Driver Kind Of Bummed To See Other Car He Been Driving Behind For A While Take Exit Off Highway https://bit.ly/3T34wxM

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 03:30

Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come https://bit.ly/40cFEGv

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 02:45

Many people believe that the moment Harvey Weinstein did a backflip at the Oscars set back the #MeToo movement by years, if not decades. https://bit.ly/3TpsKml

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 02:18

RT @KartoonistKelly: Get ready for another "Slap In The Face" tonight ...

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 01:30

Hollywood’s Biggest Motion-Capture Stars Walk Oscars Green Carpet https://bit.ly/3LeOiQs

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 01:00

Oscars Audience Shrugging Uproariously During Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening Monologue https://bit.ly/3JrOzhz

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 20:15

Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great https://bit.ly/3lfGa7t

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 19:00

https://www.theonion.com/newsletter

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:29

October 17, 2022: Bumbling American Tourist Visiting Vatican Accidentally Breaks Pope https://bit.ly/3l7MjTe

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:27

March 2, 2018: Pope Francis Finds Self In Hell After Taking Wrong Turn In Vatican Catacombs https://bit.ly/3ZKHv5d

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:25

March 18, 2013: Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom https://bit.ly/3mQhQd7

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 18:00

The Onion Looks Back At Pope Francis’ First 10 Years At A Dead End Job https://bit.ly/407FqAl

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 17:20

Displeasing the pharaoh and being summarily executed was a surefire way of avoiding an unwanted birth. https://bit.ly/3ZKqS9R

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 17:08

Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches https://bit.ly/3Lks9A5

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 15:45

2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating https://bit.ly/425faZ4 #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 03:30

Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters
https://bit.ly/41YVIgw

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 03:00

https://bit.ly/3ZXbF5d

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 02:30

240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage https://bit.ly/3mHiBFe

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 01:55

Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant
https://bit.ly/405uTFP

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 01:20

Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant https://bit.ly/424pfFJ

The Onion

13 Mar 2023 00:30

Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman https://bit.ly/3J41mW3