The Onion

16 Jan 2021 15:00

Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic https://bit.ly/38LKfHu

The Onion

16 Jan 2021 02:46

Marv Levy: Despite never winning a championship....wait, is that right? Okay, forget it. Levy shouldn’t be on this list and he deserves to be forgotten by time. https://bit.ly/3bIQttz

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 22:51

NRA Declares Bankruptcy As More Americans Realize Martial Arts The Best Way To Defend Your Family https://bit.ly/3bJqpyD

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 21:43

"Update: the Speaker has broken a heel. She’s entered the bathroom! I repeat, the Speaker has entered the bathroom, and has barricaded herself inside a stall." – @laurenboebert http://bit.ly/3bFe6U5

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 20:00

U.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills https://bit.ly/3qp11SV

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 19:00

Bill Walsh: As the inventor of the West Coast offense, Bill Walsh still collects royalties every time a pass of ten or fewer yards is attempted. https://bit.ly/3ssNo6S

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 17:45

Our merchandise is suitable for any and all lifestyles that center around empty material possessions. https://bit.ly/3bGo9bg

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 15:57

Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal https://bit.ly/3nOKiXr

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 03:00

Ford Develops New SUV That Runs Purely On Gasoline https://bit.ly/3qidnw4

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 23:45

Deutsche Bank Begins Removing Possessions From White House After Trump Defaults On Loan https://bit.ly/35JnJ03

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 22:15

Comey: ‘What Can I Say, I’m Just A Catty Bitch From New Jersey And I Live For Drama’ https://bit.ly/3nKXiNQ

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 20:56

RT @KartoonistKelly: Bambosomboozled. My latest: https://www.theonion.com/the-aghast-supper-1846033518?utm_medium=sharefromsite&utm_source=theonion_twitter via @theonion

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 20:16

Airbnb Blocks All D.C. Bookings Ahead Of Inauguration #WhatDoYouThink? https://bit.ly/3bFNvpK

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 18:45

The Greatest NFL Coaches Of All Time https://bit.ly/3oIxB1y

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 17:15

Tips For Dealing With Bad Neighbors https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1349751915672973317/vid/640x360/ZAm5RWNVP4u-vFYb.mp4?tag=14

The Onion

16 Jan 2021 03:30

'Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father’s Video Conference https://bit.ly/3nOKiXr

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 23:31

MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front https://bit.ly/3ilSkG3

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 21:52

Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. #WhatDoYouThink? https://bit.ly/3sutk4k

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 21:00

‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location https://bit.ly/3bFe6U5

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 19:20

Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation https://bit.ly/2N0hYVe

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 18:30

Wikipedia Turns 20 https://bit.ly/3bJDI2e

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 17:00

AC Unit Propped Up By Bricks Dangling Precipitously From ISS Window https://bit.ly/39y6rUM

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 15:00

Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis https://bit.ly/3bLSBkn #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

15 Jan 2021 00:30

The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns https://bit.ly/3skvhjw

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 23:05

‘At Least Days Getting Longer,’ Squeaks Tiny Inner Voice Drowned Out By Rest Of Worries https://bit.ly/39xd6ib

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 21:30

Matt Gaetz Forced To Host Hundreds Of White Nationalists After Airbnb Pulls D.C. Listings https://bit.ly/3ieHpxT

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 20:35

John Madden: Hall of Fame coach for the Raiders from 1969-1978, John Madden is most famous with today’s fans for his global phenomenon video game series Silent Hill. https://bit.ly/3oJPIV3

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 19:30

Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way https://bit.ly/3nKVJ2r

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 18:00

Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He Did https://bit.ly/3bzbfvQ

The Onion

14 Jan 2021 16:30

Express a socially-acceptable level of individuality with a shirt from the Onion Store today. https://bit.ly/2LyzdfV