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The Onion

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The Onion

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God Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven https://bit.ly/38LDcP4

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Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian https://bit.ly/3bGnN4A

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I Don’t See Race; I Only See Grayish-Brown, Vaguely Humanoid Shapes https://bit.ly/3bJgDg3

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Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends https://bit.ly/3oQCVzZ

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The Coronavirus Vaccine's Path To Availability https://bit.ly/35KqZYW

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New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside https://bit.ly/39A9ZpI

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Nurse Hoping That Extra-Comfy ICU Bed Free When She Admitted As Patient In 2 Weeks https://bit.ly/39CUEV7

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Covid Denier Struggling To Protest State’s Incoherent, Constantly Changing Coronavirus Policies https://bit.ly/3qvPHEJ

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Terrified Woman Begs Murderer Not To Decrease Property Values In The Neighborhood https://bit.ly/3quFAjr

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Private Eye Struggling To Meet Women Who Aren’t Suspect In Late Husband’s Murder https://bit.ly/3ilgr82

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Hazardous Waste Facility Stuffs Batteries In Drawer Until They Figure Out What To Do With Them https://bit.ly/2KinZvu

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Famous Abandoned Cities https://bit.ly/2N1g9HC

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Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas https://bit.ly/3EXZLjy

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The Onion: Now on another part of your phone. Follow us on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3AEObHR

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Father Sits Teenage Son Down To Explain How Sex With Mom Works https://bit.ly/3V5DpSF

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Seth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement #WhatDoYouThink? https://bit.ly/35KxviK

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Vince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar https://bit.ly/3ieJoSY

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Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle https://bit.ly/3bJXSc8

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Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill https://bit.ly/39xbRzo

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Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge Tip https://bit.ly/35KONMF

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Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too https://bit.ly/2LStFwT

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Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction https://bit.ly/2XJVEBr

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Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again https://bit.ly/3sx4FvE

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Man Not Sure If He’s Tying Condom Correctly https://bit.ly/3oPkCLG

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GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024 https://bit.ly/3nOvVST

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FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluation Of New Bagged Salad Kit https://bit.ly/3nJYX65

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Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter https://bit.ly/2Kk6Gu9

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