The Onion

14 Dec 2022 16:00

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child https://bit.ly/3hdhDhH

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 14:30

Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning https://bit.ly/3FLh3kw

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 05:00

Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building https://bit.ly/3uNwX7S

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 04:00

Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals https://bit.ly/3Ytw1TN

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 02:30

Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him https://bit.ly/3Hv4kDY

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 01:45

You To Still Die One Day https://bit.ly/3hkFsE0

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 00:15

“In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them with piping hot beef grease.” https://bit.ly/3Pskjoi

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 23:00

Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s https://bit.ly/3HDd7Ut

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 22:02

Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party https://bit.ly/3uKWf6n

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 21:22

Elon Musk Receives Experimental Neuralink Implant In Attempt To Delete Memory Of Being Booed https://bit.ly/3YfFWfz

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 20:30

Dad Finally Quits Drinking https://bit.ly/3Fn10Il

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 19:45

Nation That Can’t Agree Upon Rules Of ‘Uno’ Attempts To Come To Ideological Consensus https://bit.ly/3W9tdJg

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 18:15

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said. https://bit.ly/3uKWf6n

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 17:00

Neuralink will be able to wirelessly determine whether or not a user is hungry, and that’s it. https://bit.ly/3VzHNKo

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 16:00

Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel https://bit.ly/3ULmqUZ

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 15:15

Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse https://bit.ly/3Wf1cA9

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 05:30

The only thing more infinite than the scroll is the dopamine. Follow The Onion on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3WiNFYr

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 04:45

Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You https://bit.ly/3VSw6hT

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 03:15

J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature https://bit.ly/3HupoKI

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 02:00

Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day https://bit.ly/3VXGuoE

The Onion

14 Dec 2022 01:00

Solidify your unyielding commitment to capitalism with a purchase from The Onion's 100% for-profit store. https://bit.ly/3EQkQLM

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 23:11

"I know deep down in my heart that I’m kewl. I’m ~*hawt*~. I’m sexiii. LMAO. This is totally me rn: O:)" — @SenatorSinema https://bit.ly/3URMpdE

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 22:45

Arizona Governor Building Illegal Makeshift Border Wall During Final Days In Office https://bit.ly/3iYBHVm #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 22:01

Senators React To Kyrsten Sinema Leaving Democratic Party https://bit.ly/3uKWf6n

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 21:15

Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé https://bit.ly/3VWBd0G

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 20:00

‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well https://bit.ly/3PshRhl

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 19:00

Our Annual Year: Best Of January https://bit.ly/3PmGHzc

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 17:30

Winter Clothing Drive Puts Out Urgent Request For More Giant Foam Fingers https://bit.ly/3PmxCq6

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 16:45

San Francisco Backtracks On Allowing Police Robots To Use Deadly Force https://bit.ly/3Ht4qMh #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

13 Dec 2022 15:15

https://bit.ly/3hn2Pgs