The Onion

20 Dec 2022 14:30

Area Bus Driver Would Prefer Not To Say 'You’re Welcome' For Thousandth Time Today https://bit.ly/3FjNJ33

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 05:17

https://bit.ly/3PDO31k

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 04:45

Scientists Discover 90% Of Earth's Atmosphere Made From Thoughts, Prayers https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 03:45

Save your precious thumb strength for later. You can watch our TikToks without the endless scrolling at http://theonion.com. https://bit.ly/3V5hBGd

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 02:30

"Well, At Least You Had Fun," Says Mother In Most Devastating Takedown Of Wedding Yet https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 01:45

Man Doesn't Understand Why Mothers Facing Formula Shortage Don't Just Feed Baby Breast Meat https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 00:15

"Easy, Good Boy," Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bit https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 22:21

“I should be the one to decide whether my child learns that slavery has ended.” https://bit.ly/3jgGLEM

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 21:47

Your boss won’t ask you to work if they know you’re Mr. Christ himself. http://bit.ly/3v3mTaF

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 21:07

Remind your boss that you’re also a sergeant in the ongoing war on Christmas and that you’ll be busy fighting to make sure everyone has an agnostic day on Dec. 25. https://bit.ly/3v3mTaF

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 20:14

Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think? https://bit.ly/3V8pBqc

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 19:37

‘The Curse Is Lifted,’ Says Messi Before Transforming Back Into Soccer Ball https://bit.ly/3W8smc9

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 18:15

What To Say If Your Boss Asks You To Work On Christmas https://bit.ly/3BebGrf

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 17:30

At Least Man Masturbating On Bus Wearing Mask https://bit.ly/3P8CW0o

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 16:45

Trump Mocked For ‘Major Announcement’ He’s Selling Trading Cards https://bit.ly/3YwnYFG #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 14:19

https://bit.ly/3BOz2UU

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 05:00

Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 04:00

Religion Rocked By Another Molestation Whatever https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 03:15

Woman Relieved To Hear Husband In Bed With Nude Stranger Can Explain Everything https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 02:00

PetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off Counters https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

20 Dec 2022 01:00

Sometimes you have to be your own fucking Santa Claus. Buy an Onion shirt today. https://bit.ly/3FCjeFH

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 23:00

Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 22:00

Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field https://bit.ly/3UZxoX1

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 21:30

Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following https://bit.ly/3iLLcaa

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 21:00

Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 20:02

Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children https://bit.ly/3PBAhfL

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 19:00

Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time https://bit.ly/3F9zXjl

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 17:47

Subway Introduces Mandatory 72-Hour Psychiatric Hold For Anyone Thinking Of Ordering Sandwich https://bit.ly/3hBmGIG

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 17:00

Our Annual Year: Best Of May https://bit.ly/3uTMYJ7

The Onion

19 Dec 2022 16:15

Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries https://bit.ly/3HQzeGT