The Onion

22 Jan 2023 04:00

https://bit.ly/3Xrs158

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 03:00

Ndamukong Suh: Though playing as a backup, the veteran Suh is hoping he still has a few more dirty plays left in him. https://bit.ly/3ZKEEtH

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 02:00

Daniel Jones: The quarterback has a bright future with his next team. https://bit.ly/3XnlEQe

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 00:30

‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud https://bit.ly/3wiPtpo

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 23:30

Gynecologist Inserting IUD Promises Woman It Will Be Just A Quick Pinch And Then She’ll Be On The Floor Unconscious https://bit.ly/3GWhxna

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 22:00

Jaguars: Expect Chiefs coach Andy Reid to have something special up his sleeve for this game. Unfortunately, that will just be a dozen hot dogs. https://bit.ly/3GSKDUF

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 20:30

Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now https://bit.ly/3WwxvKM

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 18:30

Chicago Field Museum Director Uses Titanosaur Skull To Hold Parking Space In Snow https://bit.ly/3QRcWHu

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 17:30

Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months https://bit.ly/3iTt5Qf

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 16:00

“You’re ruining the autobiographical screenplay about our family.” https://bit.ly/3kuAxSf

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 05:00

https://bit.ly/3XV5huj

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 04:00

Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body https://bit.ly/3iJXJLI

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 02:30

Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000 https://bit.ly/3iISmMZ

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 01:45

Maid Of Honor Specifically Selected For Ability To Take Emotional Beating https://bit.ly/3kpXSEM

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 00:15

Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He's Crazy And Wants To Murder Him https://bit.ly/3WgTSDF

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 03:30

FDA Recalls Millions Of Chili Peppers, Citing Fact That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn https://bit.ly/3GSV0HZ

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 02:30

Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches https://bit.ly/3QVSEwK

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 01:30

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop https://bit.ly/3ksiBYD

The Onion

22 Jan 2023 00:00

https://bit.ly/3iLx9Sx

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 22:45

Josh Allen: This could be a perfect opportunity for the pass rusher to pick up a loose quarterback on the ground and return it for a touchdown. https://bit.ly/3QUaEHA

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 21:30

Man Who Has Never Seen Horseshoe Crab Before Understandably Freaking The Fuck Out

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 19:30

Dad Apparently At Age Where Tooth Can Fall Out And It Not That Big A Deal https://bit.ly/3Wnwt3w

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 18:00

There’s still stacks and stacks of papers to read through! https://bit.ly/3Wh8V07

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 16:30

Most Disgusting Towel Spends Final Days Relegated To Role As Bath Mat https://bit.ly/3ZMqHLU

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 05:30

Join us in an endless scroll of rationality and truth. Follow The Onion on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3XN0omG

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 04:45

New Liver Can Really Handle Its Scotch https://bit.ly/3iHeck2

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 03:15

Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing https://bit.ly/3CUPaVl

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 02:00

https://bit.ly/3Wn5Ewe

The Onion

21 Jan 2023 01:00

For sickos, by sickos. https://bit.ly/3woBH3x

The Onion

20 Jan 2023 23:30

Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says https://bit.ly/3HctXZx