The Onion

17 Feb 2023 03:15

Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable https://bit.ly/3YNMlOc

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 02:00

A pathological liar’s story usually starts off with a compelling setup and call to action, but falls flat with a clunky, unconvincing resolution. https://bit.ly/3IwDxY4

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 01:00

All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite. https://bit.ly/3HvbVm2

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 05:30

The Onion: Now on another part of your phone. Follow us on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3jXRJQb

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 04:00

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans https://bit.ly/40U0rzo

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 03:00

“I’m worried he would take it really hard if he found out that everyone in his life was nothing more than a delusion conjured up by his warped psyche,” said the hallucinated image of a man who Horbol believed was his best friend. https://bit.ly/3KcJDxE

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 02:00

“Our song is the slamming screen door / Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window / When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow / ’Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know.” https://bit.ly/3xksvi4

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 01:00

All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite. https://bit.ly/3Yru61t

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 23:30

Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib https://bit.ly/3Yy2AiP

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 22:45

Top Super Bowl Ad Features Paul Rudd Urging Americans To Drive Chevy Far Away From This Grim And Dying Nation https://bit.ly/3Yqvilz

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 21:15

California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’ https://bit.ly/3K828U3

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 20:25

Sign up to have the majesty of America’s Finest News Source delivered straight to your inbox. https://www.theonion.com/newsletter

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 19:45

George Santos Signs With IMG Models https://bit.ly/3E60Jtj

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 19:00

No One Has Heart To Tell Man That They Are All Figments Of His Untethered Mind https://bit.ly/3xgzt7E

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 18:15

To help you avoid coming off like a desperate or insensitive fucking creep, The Onion provides this handy guide to the things you should never say to a strip club performer. https://bit.ly/3YHJcAd

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 02:30

Man Terrified To Realize He Could Easily Go On Like This https://bit.ly/3lyzotn

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 01:45

Jif Slammed For New Ad Claiming Children With Peanut Allergies Just Lying For Attention https://bit.ly/3Ir1T5e

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 00:15

Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About https://bit.ly/3xqBGNP

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 04:45

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life https://bit.ly/3YomdK6

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 03:15

Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub https://bit.ly/3E4QllG

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 02:30

Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day https://bit.ly/40E86Sq

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 01:45

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day https://bit.ly/3HTjwt7

The Onion

14 Feb 2023 00:15

Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII https://bit.ly/3HTBQlT #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 23:00

https://www.theonion.com/rules-to-follow-when-dating-a-friend-s-ex-1850003290?utm_campaign=The+Onion&utm_content=1676325615&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_source=twitter

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 22:00

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High https://bit.ly/3YHnqMc

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 20:30

Study: 1 In 20 Americans Develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome From Repetitive Chip Dipping https://bit.ly/3E5OUDD

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 20:00

Report: 87% Of U.S. Women Achieve Orgasm When Fantasizing About Gorton’s Fisherman https://bit.ly/3YqIEOY

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 19:16

“Egad! Do mine eyes deceive me, or be it two massive bazonkers!?” https://bit.ly/3Xt7WKP

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 18:53

“Please stop hitting me.” https://bit.ly/3E3Gv3g

The Onion

13 Feb 2023 17:30

New FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House https://bit.ly/3jTZ8QC