The Onion

18 Feb 2023 04:00

Mom Really Gunning To Befriend Babysitter During Weekly 3-Minute Interactions https://bit.ly/3jVUP7t

The Onion

18 Feb 2023 02:30

Kinky Girlfriend Wants To Try Sexual Pleasure Tonight https://bit.ly/3DrhcqW

The Onion

18 Feb 2023 01:45

‘Twas Hubris Led Me Here,’ Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles https://bit.ly/3S44cP5

The Onion

18 Feb 2023 00:15

U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High https://www.theonion.com/u-s-credit-card-debt-reaches-record-high-1850129495?utm_campaign=The+Onion&utm_content=1676675702&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_source=twitter #WhatDoYouThink?

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 23:29

‘New York Times’ Announces New Columnist Will Contribute Nothing To Society 3 Times A Week https://bit.ly/3EhfMke

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 22:45

Anonymous Mourner Returns To Lay Hydrocodone Tablet At Rush Limbaugh’s Grave https://bit.ly/3XFYFiA

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 21:15

Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice https://bit.ly/3Ehxu72

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 20:25

Subscribe to our newsletter to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism. https://www.theonion.com/newsletter

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 19:45

Annoyed Man Rates UberEats Driver 3 Stars For Having To Pry Order Out Of Their Dead Frozen Hands https://bit.ly/3YWlLCI

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 18:27

It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible http://bit.ly/3S5Lh6r

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 17:30

Conservationists Tout Successful Restoration Efforts After Dolphins Spotted On Mars For First Time Since 1973 https://bit.ly/3KekQtm

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 16:45

Raceless, Noncorporeal Police Officer Still Brutalizes Black Man https://bit.ly/3k9PpFV

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 16:00

Shower Head Snarls Like Vicious Jungle Cat Before Turning On https://bit.ly/3K9QHLL

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 05:30

The internet is expanding. Our minds are not. Join The Onion on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3k17VAh

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 04:45

Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane https://bit.ly/4111Ioo

The Onion

18 Feb 2023 03:15

Loyal Dog Waits 2 Full Hours Before Consuming Dead Owner’s Face https://bit.ly/40ZkwED

The Onion

18 Feb 2023 02:00

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The Onion

18 Feb 2023 01:00

Turn down that infernal rap band and open up your wallet for the Kelly Collection. https://bit.ly/3S5uArK

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 23:47

Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll https://bit.ly/418ZZ0n

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 23:00

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The Onion

17 Feb 2023 22:00

Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse https://bit.ly/3YYHFFv

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 20:30

‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling https://bit.ly/3I8FCYv

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 20:00

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The Onion

17 Feb 2023 19:00

In the wake of Republicans across the country passing legislation to ban the performances, The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose drag shows and this is what they said. https://bit.ly/3I60boF

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 18:15

It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible https://bit.ly/3S5Lh6r

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 17:00

If they tell you a story involving a crane, you know that they are intending to deceive and likely destroy you. https://bit.ly/3Ir0zPP

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 16:26

If the Joe Rogan fan in your life has borrowed any of your workout equipment, try to get it back before it’s seized as evidence in the suspicious death of their estranged wife. https://bit.ly/3SbLRj8

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 14:30

Man Sleeps Through His Stop On Elevator https://bit.ly/3xnKTqr

The Onion

17 Feb 2023 05:00

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The Onion

17 Feb 2023 04:00

Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended https://bit.ly/3S0B238