The Onion

08 Mar 2023 15:15

That wreckage was actually safe and delicious to lick. https://bit.ly/3Zw7YU8

The Onion

08 Mar 2023 05:35

https://bit.ly/3KZpfke

The Onion

08 Mar 2023 04:45

Insane Man Makes It Through Another Day Without Anyone Catching On https://bit.ly/3F2SGhE

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 06:00

“Our founders, in their abundant wisdom, saw fit to restrain the commander-in-chief from benefiting the American people in any discernible way,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts. https://bit.ly/3J2N49w

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 04:45

Woman Attempting To Cultivate Self-Love Forced To Start Completely From Scratch After Photo Where Nose Looks Kind Of Weird https://bit.ly/3y2UtiJ

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 03:15

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions https://bit.ly/3Zq5DcX

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 02:30

Area Dog’s Rock Bottom Same As His Peak https://bit.ly/41w8hQd

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 01:45

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday https://bit.ly/3ZqKWOa

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 01:00

Stop carrying piping hot liquids in your cupped, smoldering hands. Now there’s a mug for that. https://bit.ly/3SEuDew

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 23:30

Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor https://bit.ly/3ZrrbWz

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 22:45

Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership https://bit.ly/3J1z283

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 21:15

Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives https://bit.ly/3Z9o85M

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 20:30

Leader Of Aryan Prison Gang Covered Head To Toe In Dilbert Tattoos https://bit.ly/3IXnr9T

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 19:45

Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal https://bit.ly/41A8P7w

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 18:43

Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States https://bit.ly/3SDrGul

The Onion

08 Mar 2023 14:30

Every One Of Man’s Priorities Unrecognizable To Grandfather https://bit.ly/3SVpxdI

The Onion

08 Mar 2023 05:00

Gen Z will bow before their new viral overlords. Join them and follow The Onion on TikTok. https://bit.ly/3L3E7y7

The Onion

08 Mar 2023 04:00

Sharpie Introduces New Pens For Making Subtle Mark On Bottle To Check If Sober Boyfriend Drinking Again https://bit.ly/3ZJKb2I

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 05:00

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The Onion

01 Mar 2023 04:00

Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead https://bit.ly/3m8whbX

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 03:00

https://bit.ly/3IXnr9T

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 02:00

https://bit.ly/3ksxc6M

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 01:30

“While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems and artillery, none of them were signed by one of the best NBA centers of all time, the Big Shamrock himself,” said Zelensky. https://bit.ly/3xY4LQW

The Onion

01 Mar 2023 00:15

Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed https://bit.ly/3xXN4RI

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 23:00

Americans Explain Why They No Longer Trust The Supreme Court https://bit.ly/3KKkx9F

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 22:00

12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé https://bit.ly/3KPdddf

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 20:45

Your non-denominational prayers have been answered. Subscribe to our newsletter for free. https://www.theonion.com/newsletter

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 20:00

What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies https://bit.ly/3ZsEfLc

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 19:00

FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them https://bit.ly/3Y2jXqY

The Onion

28 Feb 2023 18:15

Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said. https://bit.ly/3SIiPrC