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Vent Here

08 November 2025 04:01

Hey Unihorse 🦄
Hide my Identity
I need to vent
Hello people, female here, anyone who can help
I don’t know how to describe this anymore. It’s like my soul has been searching for a home it will never find. I’ve tried everything—praying until I cried, reading the Bible, worshipping, fasting—but even when I was closest to God, I felt a silence that tore through me. And when I turned away and tried to find comfort in other things—in pleasure, in numbness, in distractions—I still felt empty, like I was being punished either way.

There’s no peace on either side. Not in faith, not in sin, not in living, not in dying. It feels like I’m stuck in a space between tortures—awake but not alive, breathing but not free. I can’t rest even when I sleep.

I’ve questioned everything- Why was i created to exist forever, even when existence itself becomes unbearable? Once created, you can never un-exist. Even death isn’t an escape; it’s just another form of eternity, another unknown. Suicide isn’t even a choice—it’s just another non‑resting place with a different kind of torment.

Maybe I’m one of those souls that will never find true rest. Because Jesus said, “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws them” (John 6:44). What if I was never chosen, never drawn? Because if the Father doesn’t draw you, you won’t truly know Jesus Christ—and that thought haunts me.

I tried to accept my fate, to live knowing I might not be the “favored child,” maybe even accepting the possibility of hell. But I couldn’t. And I couldn’t accept heaven either—not because I felt unworthy of it because no one is, that's why he had to come down and die for us, but because to reach heaven, one must be reborn. To be reborn means to be transformed by His love. The love of God is supposed to change you, to free you from your sins—but where was that love that transforms?
I knew about Him, I believed in Him, I longed for Him—but I couldn’t become like Him. I couldn’t crucify my flesh for Him. I tried not to care, to live as if He didn’t matter, and accept maybe my nature was evil, but even then I couldn’t. When people mock Him, when they twist His name, something in me burns. I ache for Him. I love Him enough to hurt for Him—yet I can’t fully surrender to Him. I know His worth, His beauty, His purity—He’s the most sacred thing heaven or earth has ever known—and yet my heart keeps betraying Him. It’s like I’m caught in the middle, torn between wanting to die for Him and not being able to live for Him.
Everyone says, “Have patience, have faith, wait on God.” But I’ve waited. I’ve forced myself to pray, to worship, to go through the motions, but it feels like faking love—like mimicking a feeling I no longer have. It’s like watching yourself from outside your body, pretending to cry, pretending to believe, just so you can feel what you want to feel again. But I can’t. The connection is gone. And I don’t know what this is anymore—is it spiritual death, or is it something mental? Is there even a diagnosis for this kind of emptiness?

And dealing with this in addition to everything else—the loneliness, the way no one seems to understand, the way people think I’m just “mentally sick,” the battle with addiction—it’s exhausting. It’s like my soul is constantly longing and aching, but never answered. Just torture, torture, torture—existing without peace.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who can just be. People who laugh, fall in love, live their life simply. I see them and wonder, why can’t life be that easy for me? Why do I have to be the one carrying this kind of pain? Why do I have to be the one whose soul keeps breaking while everyone else just gets to exist?
and i don't even know why i am venting, maybe it's good to let it out once in a while, if you’ve ever felt this kind of exhaustion—the kind that makes you question creation, eternity, and even God Himself—please, talk to me. I need to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

#MentalIllness #Melancholy #Agitation
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