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My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery,always buzzing,humming,soaring,roaring,diving and then buried in mud.🥀 For cross and ideas @YeabT29....... @abditorybot
I fear familiarity. I fear when it becomes too much that it creates disrespect between people. I think that maybe that is the reason i have kept most of my relationships distant enough my entire life.
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".....There is a thick fog covering everything only letting a small silhouette of the truth through.
It's hard to differ a blessing from a curse."
I have always felt like the reason I despise most people in my life in one way or the other is because they remind me a certain point of my life that i don't want to look back to....a certain version of myself I so not want to entertain the thought of. People that remind me that I amnot seen enough or worthy enough to be heard. People mostly that remind me of my vulnerability and certain times where I allowed myself to be 'human' to later on regret. People that I let witness my fears for them to just brush it off or belittle my path or where i come from and so much of what made me me. People that don't treasure my roots or find ways to ridicule it in the middle of a conversation. That throw insensitive comments here and there. I have understood that one could shower me with so much love but could find the most little way to harden it. ውስጣችሁ ሻክሮባችሁ አያውቅም towards a person? I sat with my sister yesterday as she explained to me why her current relationship is not working and why she cannot accept him fully."He reminds me that i amnot loved. He reminds me the same feeling I grew up with as a woman.....that I amnot needed. He reminds me of how I spent most of my life seeking the validation of men because I didn't feel worthy enough on my own." The relationships we have with people,who we are in that relationship and how we deal with them has a lot to do with the memories they burnt within us. I can't help but think how much of me not going easy on myself or being the worst critic or on somedays not loving myself enough has a lot to do with how i treated myself or the thoughts i keep reminding myself till i make myself sick...what mistreatments I just went along with with a little smirk or a 'lol'....times where i acted like i wasnot thought my ABCs to order words to stand up for myself. Times when I let people stay as they are because I didn't want them to leave. Maybe unlearning and relearning love for myself is taking a long while because it is myself that i am dealing with and not others. It is myself i have to teach respect,faithfulness,outspokenness,acceptance,gentleness and forgiveness with enough harshness to imprint it fully and just enough kindness to remind myself that i am "home" for myself.
-Yeab T
I just noticed, boundaries are not that easy.
Finding that balance of not being completely numb to the emotions of others and being mature enough to protect yourself at the expense of whatever.
Saying no without feeling guilty about it and acting in ways that later don’t end up having you explain unnecessary things.
I think it all comes down to believing that not everything is that deep. You do what you gots to do and move on, a not so easy task as well.
Before all of this, the question of who you are without the people/things you identified yourself with needs an answer. What is your personal boundary? Who are you as a person?
What/who do you need to be protected from?
Do you really enjoy your being right now? Or are you just going around people and places, escaping, so that you’d think you don’t need boundaries for anyone/anything?
Once you have all of this figured out, a loss is promised so you’ll most definitely go through denial. Trust.
But you won’t gain the freedom of standing up for yourself and living in a healthy, panic absent friendships and relationships if you choose to stay in your comfort zones.
Boundaries are not easy, but they’re the simplest steps to having a less tormenting reality.
From listening to so many stories of so many goodbyes left unsaid....so many broken promises and seeing so many people still wallowing on a past they couldn't seem to let go of I have accmulated a fear of becoming one that has the same effect on people's life. Leaving a dark trace behind. Saying "I was here" through my past presence in the cost of their sanity. የጠለሸ "ነበርኩኝ" የሚል ታሪክን ማስቀረት እፈራለሁ..... so in turn I have learnt በመቆየት ውስጥ ራስን እያጡ ሌላውን ማትረፍን or rather distancing myself enough from a person's life as to not leave any mark....በጎናችሁ ማለፍን እንጂ መልኩን አስተውላችሁ እንዳላያችሁት መንገደኛ.........
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Growing up my mom preached to us almost everytime about the need of ሰው....me and my siblings werenot that much fond of the idea. We liked our personal space and having only few people around. It was always a struggle feeling comfortable when እንግዳ came to visit and more painful when they stayed for a long time. Even in family gatherings our mom introduced everyone to us saying"አጎትሽ ነው" or "አክስትሽ ናት" even though we know we werenot tiny bit related in blood to most of them. Yet she said "ሰው ማወቅ ጥሩ ነው መቼ እንደሚጠቅማችሁ አታውቁም"
People loved my mom because she was always present for them. ሰርግ.መልስ. ልጅ ሲወለድ. ሰው ሲሞት. She is always with people. And I saw that pay her forward in good in my tiny life.My dad was mostly the silent and restricted one and we took most of our genes from him yet he too also saw the importance of this.
ግቢ የገባሁ ጊዜ my mom stayed almost a week and in that span of time she introduced me to everyone. Most of the ግቢ ዘበኞች knew me they carried my bag ከbreak ስመለስ.....kept an eye on me...even prayed for me with their wives. Even my friends whom I love I was introduced to through her.
Having spent the past couple of months away from people and isolated in a a certain way showed me that in the few moments I spend with people in the middle I feel something in me being liberated. I feel alive in a way. They become a good escape from my brain that always kept humming. Despite loving personal space, healthy amount of relationship with people is essential.My mom was right in this...የሰው ልጅ is indeed መድሀኒት but also should be taken in the right dosage.
የሰው ልጅ ጠባይና ባሕርይ እጅጉን ይገርማል።
አንዳንዴ የምንፈልገው ነገር እውነትም የምንፈልገውን ነው? አንዳንዴ የምናሳድደው በእርግጥም መያዝ የምንሻውን ነው? ወይስ ከመያዝ ይልቅ በማሳደድ ውስጥ፣ ከማግኘት ይልቅም በመፈለግ ውስጥ ምሥጢር አለ?
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አንዲትን ሴት አጥብቆ የሚፈልግ ሰው ገጥሞኝ ያውቃል። ሁሌም ቀልቧን ለመማረክ ጥረት ያደርጋል። በአፍላ ትውውቃቸው ወቅት እሷን ካገኘ ከዓለም ምንም እንደማይፈልግ ይነግረኝ ነበር። ያቺ ሴት በዚያ ወቅት ፍጹም ናት። ንጽሕት ናት። መንፈሱንና ልቡን ሁሉ ሞልታ ነበር። ብዙ ደጅ ጠንቶ የራሱ አደረጋት። የራሱ ከሆነች ቀን ጀምሮ ግን ዋጋዋ ቀንሶ ታየው። ቀድሞ ያልተገለጠ ነጭናጫነቷ የታየው መሰለው። ንጽሕናዋ ፍጽምናዋ ሁሉ ጠፋበት። ውበቷ ሀሰት ሀሰት ሆነበት። “ምን ሆኜ ነበር?” “ምን አስነክታኝ ነበር?” እያለ ለኃጢአቱ ምክንያት ሰጠ።
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ለውጡ ግን የምንም ሳይሆን የቦታ ለውጥ ነበር። ድሮ ሲያሳድዳት ከፊቱ ነበረች። አኹን ከእጅ መዳፉ ላይ ነች።
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አንዳንድ ነገሮች መፈለግ ላይ ብቻ መቆም አለባቸው ? አንዳንድ ነገሮችን አሳድደን ባንይዛቸው ይሻላል? ስኬት የጥረትን ያኽል ጣዕም የለውም? የለውም ወይ?
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ይህ ሰው ምክንያት ፈልጎ ራቃት። ምክንያት ፈልጋ በተራዋ ፈለገችው። የማግኘት ስካር ሲያፋንነው የእልኋን ተከተለችው። ድሮ የተለመነችው በተራዋ ለመነች። አስለመነች። ምናልባት እሷም የተመኘችው ፈልጎ የማግኘትን ጣዕም መቅመስ፣ ሮጦ የመድረስን ሕልም ማሳካት እንጂ እሱን አልነበረም። ሁለቱም በውስጣቸው ያለውን ዕረፍት አልባ ተቅበዝባዥ ሰይጣን ለማገልገል ታተሩ እንጂ በውስጣቸው ፍቅር የለም —ቅንጣት እንኳ።
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ጠቢቡ ሶሎሞን የደረሰበት ይኽ ነው። “ሁሉ ከንቱ የከንቱ ከንቱ” ለማለት ያበቃውን መሰልቸት ለመረዳት ሰሎሞን መኾንን ይጠይቃል። የመድረስ መከራ ኃያል ነውና ሰሎሞን በሎሌው ይቀና እንደኾነ ማን ያውቃል ? የሞላለት ከበርቴ ጌታ ለማኝ መኾን ይሻ እንደሆነ እንዴት ይታሰባል ?
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እንደዚህ በነፍስ ፈልጌያቸው ሳገኛቸው እንደ ጉም የሆኑብኝ … ልኾን ተመኝቻቸው ስሆን ደም እንባ ያስለቀሱኝ … እድሜዬን፣ ገንዘቤን ፣ ጥረቴን ሁሉ ሰጥቻቸው ሲሳካ “ተሳካ የልቤ ሞላ” ከማለት ይልቅ በዓይኔ እንኳ ለማየት ያስጠሉኝ፣ ያንገሸገሹኝ፣ የቀፈፉኝ ብዙ ነገሮች አሉ። ሰዎች እንደ ዕድለኛ በሚቆጥሩኝ ነገር፣ “ታድለህ”በሚሉኝ ነገር፣ እኔን መኾን በተመኙባቸው አንዳንድ ነገሮች እኔ ግን አጥንቴ ድረስ ታምሜ ዐውቃለኹ። ሰው ከእኔ የተመኘውን ነገር እንደ ልብስ አውልቄ ብሰጠው ተመኝቻለኹ።
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የምፈልገውን ነገር እፈልገዋለኹ? መሄድ የምሻበት ሀገር መኖር እፈልጋለኹ ? ሰው የምኞቱ ባርያ የፍላጎቱም ሎሌ ነው። አንዳንዴ እርካታ ፍላጎትን፣ ማግኘትም ጣዕምን ያሳድዳሉ። መድረስ ዋጋውን የማይቀንሰው ደስታ ምንድነው ? ማግኘት የማያደበዝዘው መንገድ ምንድነው? በየቀኑ እንደ ዐዲስ በመገረም ሊሞላኝ የሚችል ነገር ምንድነው? ይህንን ደስታ ለራሴ እመኛለኹ። ይህንን እርካታ ለሰው ሁሉ እመኘዋለኹ። ካልኾነ ግን መንገዴን በእሾኽ ይጠረው፣ በጥርብ ድንጋይም ይዝጋው። አብረውኝ በማይከርሙ ደስታዎች ተሰላችቼያለኹ።
Choose honesty. There comes a sense of safety from it. For yourself and for others too.
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ከተቀዳ መልእክት ውስጥ ቁርጥ ቁርጥ እያለ እንደማይሰማ መልእክት
ከንግግራችሁ ውስጥ ጎድለው የቀሩ ያልተሰሙ እውነቶች እንዳሉ ተሰምቷችሁ ያውቃል?
ሰሚ ተትረፍርፎ አዳማጭ እንደጠፋበት
አንድ ቦታ ላይ አዘውትሮ እንደሚቆም ለማኝ
አላፊ አግዳሚው መኖሩን እንደሚዘነጋው
ይሄ ቢሰማልኝ.....ይሄ ቁስሌ ተመልካች ቢያገኝ ብላችሁ አስባችሁ ግን ከመደመጥ ይልቅ በሰው ህይወት ውስጥ መረማመጃ እንደሆናችሁ ተሰምቷቹህ ያውቃል?
እንደ ሴተኛ አዳሪ ጩኸት
ይበላት! ልማዷ ነው እየተባለ እንደሚዘነጋ እሪታ
ደራሽ ያጣ ቁስል ይኖራችሁ ይሆን
የሌላ ቁስል መስተናገጃ
"አንተ ግን ደህና ነህ?" ተብሎ እንደማያውቅ ሀኪም
በህይወታችሁ መጥቶ
ልውደዳችሁ
ልሰንብት.......ያለው ሁሉ
መድሀኒት ፈላጊ እንጂ መድሀኒት ሰጪ ያልሆነባችሁ
በሽርፍራፊ ዝምታ ውስጥ ዘመናትን ያሳለፋችሁ
ከእናት እስከ ባዳ ልትሉ ያሰባችሁት ያልገባው
ነገር ሲከር እና አእምሮ ሰሚ አጥቶ ለእንቅልፍ እንኳን አልሸነፍ ሲል.........ማምለጫ አላችሁ?
-የአብ ተ
Communicate your needs. Learn Boundaries. Don't say sorry in places that degrade your needs and comfort. That also is part of honouring yourself. At times when you know the problem and feel suffocated and also is well aware of the solution but are too scared to step....choose life and choose better choice that does make you feel alive. We count days and months and years and before we know it the precious moments have passed on a "what if?" And lots of "but....". For a change try " I did this and..."...." i failed but...."...."They left but i said what i needed to say and i felt at peace with myself".....live the bits of your life fully. Treasure yourself.
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"The time, while pruning a basket of green beans over the sink, you said, out of nowhere, “I’m not a monster. I’m a mother.”
What do we mean when we say survivor? Maybe a survivor is the last one to come home, the final monarch that lands on a branch already weighted with ghosts.
The morning closed in around us.
I put down the book. The heads of the green beans went on snapping.
They thunked in the steel sink like fingers. “You’re not a monster,” I said.
But I lied.
What I really wanted to say was that a monster is not such a terrible thing to be. From the Latin root monstrum, a divine messenger of catastrophe, then adapted by the Old French to mean an animal of myriad origins: centaur, griffin, satyr. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once."
As much as this is repeatedly said what we went through cannot be excuse for our behaviours. Every single experience we had in our past isnot a good enough excuse for how we treat others. Nor should we uphold it as an answer to why we should be treated as different from others. The world put us all through similar experiences with just a different seasoning to it. Your past doesnot grant you the right to make victims who later on in their life will be forced to reflect that onto others. Good day!
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"On purpose!love people on purpose! Find someone wonderful and love them and tell them it wasn't an accident,you had a choice. You saw who they were and realized how lovely it would be to love them and it is!!!I made a good decision!I love you on purpose!"
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"Is this really the world? Shall i grieve? Shall i hope?"
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"Its one of the quietest and loneliest places in rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. It feels like a precious wound a heartbreak you can't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of changing,of things crumbling to ruins. Then i looked around in this place and the chaos it endured. The way it has been burned,adapted,pilaged then found a way to build itself backup again. And i was reassured maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. Its just the world that is and the only trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation. Even in this endless city Augestum showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation. Both of us deserve better than staying together because we are afraid what we would destroy if we don't"
~Eat pray love
Watching your parents age has to be the most painful thing ever. Seeing how age has took a toll on them gives you guilt that maybe you haven't done enough as a child. Could i have been better? Could i have made better choices? Held back my needs to satisfy theres more.
Now they have wrinkles as storytellers. Continiously repeated stories....listening to them again and again and again because they tell you with the the same excitment. የዘመናት ጭንቀት የሳመው ሳቅ የከፈነው የእናቴ ፈገግታ "እህ" ቢባል ብዙ የሚናገረው አለው.....በትውስታ ከሚደጋገሙ ታሪኮች ውስጥ ያልተወራላቸው ብዙ ገድሎች አሉ.....ልጅ ከአመት አመት የተፈራረቀበት የእናቴ ማህፀን እናት በመሆን ውስጥ ለተረሳው ሴትነቷ የሚናገረው ይኖራል። I have understood that grief takes multiple forms. This anticipatory grief engulfes me as I sit between them talk. The grief that I wasn't present for what mattered and that I might not be too for the future ones. What remains?
ከእነሱ በላይ ዘመናትን የሚሻገሩ....ተጨብጠው የማይፀጨበጡ....ሽርፍራፊ ትዝታዎች.......