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🍂 sometimes happy, sometimes sad, always a bookworm. (if you need me, i'll be reading. please don't need me) @kitobqurtiga_xatlar_bot
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ushbu post bookwormdagi eng so'ngisi bo'lishini istadim
Qanday qilib xronik depressiya va xavotir buzilishlarni yengganim, travmalar, og'ir yo'qotishlar, chet elga moslashishdagi qiyinchiliklar, psixoterapiya va bookworm faoliyati to'xtalishi haqida
Psixoterapiya
Sarvinoz bilan terapiya deyarli bir yil davom etdi. Terapiya davomida muammoning tub ildizlarini topish, depressiya va xavotir xurujlarini boshqarish, hayot tarzimni yaxshilash kabi ko'plab masalalar ustida ishladik. Sarvinoz haqiqiy professional. Buni ilk konsultatsiyadayoq payqaganman va noto'g'ri qaror qilmaganimga ishonch xosil qilganman. Hozirgi holatimga qaytishimda uning hizmatlari cheksiz. Bunday chuqurlikdan qaytib chiqolishimga ishontirgan va bunni uddalatgan ham u. Biz buni u bilan birga uddaladik. Buning uchun Sarvinozdan bir umr minnatdorman.
The new beginning
Hozir hammasi yaxshi. Rosti, hech qachon bundan yaxshi bo'lmagan. Qolib ketgan reja va maqsadlarimni birin-ketin yetkazib uddasidan chiqyapman. To'g'ri, ba'zan kayfiyatim bo'lmasligi mumkin. Hatto kichik depressiv epizodlar ham, xavotir xurujlari ham qaytalanib turadi va bu normal. Ammo, endi bunday holatlar meni ortiq o'z domiga tortib ketolmaydi. Depresiya va xavotirlar bilan qanday ishlash bo'yicha o'rttirgan ko'nikmalarim bunda katta yordam beryapti va bundan keyin ham bir umr asqotishiga ishonaman. Hozircha, hammasini bir o'zim eplayapman.
Bookworm tugatilishi to'g'risida
Bookworm hech qachon mening shaxsiy g'oyam bo'lmagan. Uni yaqin insonim bilan birga yaratganmiz. Boshida u bilan birga yozdik. Birga harakat qildik. Afsuski, kun kelib u bilan xayrlashishimga to'g'ri keldi. Ammo, shundan keyin bookworm oldingidek bo'lolmadi. Qancha harakat qilmay, qaytib oldingidek yozolmadim. Shu sababdan, bookwormni birato'la to'xtatishga qaror qildim.
Shu o'tgan 3 yil ichida bookwormni yolg'izlatmagan siz azizlarga cheksiz tashakkur aytaman. Aloqa botiga keladigan iliq xabarlaringiz men uchun bir olam ahamiyatga ega. Ularni doim qadrlaganman. Vaqtiki kelib yodingizga tushib qolsam, meni yana shu botdan toparsiz. Uni o'chirmoqchi emasman. Yana alohida aytishim kerak, shu o'tgan davr ichida aynan bookworm sabab juda ko'p chin do'stlar ortdirdim. @mahinsworld - Mahinim va @kitobooknigam - eng ardoqlaganlarim. Barchangizdan cheksiz minnatdorman.
Yaxshiyam borsiz, yaxshilar!
Iliq samimiyat va ulkan hurmat ila,
sizning kitobqurti yozdim.
E'tiboringiz uchun rahmat!
2021.12.12
J.Koreya
happy reading!
@kitobqurti
story time
i woke up early for my morning lecture today and after having breakfast i dressed up like the sexy bitch that i am. and came to the classroom. but the students looked strangely unfamiliar. but still i took a seat and waited for the professor to come and start the lecture. and there he came but he was not my professor. it was a different man. then i looked at my friend in confusion. he gave me the same look. then we realized we were in the wrong classroom (hihi). it turns out, today's lecture was cancelled. but we had no idea. but still i was happy bcuz i woke up early because of that. which is nice. alright i need to study for finals now. ok bye!
moral of the story: wake up early and always check you class announcements
@kitobqurti
They may not be around any more. But their presence still lingers in the melodies they left behind...
Neyim bor edi sendan boshqa?..
@kitobqurti
story time
so you know i was preparing for TOPIK (yes i know, it's taking forever) and i was using a textbook from the library. but it really sucks sometimes when you cannot prolong the book and have to return it, bcuz some other mf reserves it too. and finally i said fuck it and decided to buy a new one of my very own. and i checked all the offers online. and found a few good deals on our good old "alladin used books store". they never disappointed me so far and also the prices were reasonable as always. in fact i bought a book in excellent condition for the half price (right, student life). and it arrived today. and you guessed it, it is in perfect condition.
moral of the story. i dont know. maybe, go buy an old book or something. (seriously. why do i always have to come up with a moral for my stories??)
thanks for reading my bed time story. bye!
@kitobqurti
and this December we're healing from the things we dont talk about
@kitobqurti
i was in the library today. and they were playing this tune on the background. i felt something strange the moment it started playing. like nothing i ever felt before.
enjoy.
@kitobqurti
sen ham sekin-asta dada bo'lib bo'rayotganingni anglaysan (uylanmagan, bola-chaqali bo'lmasang ham), qachonki:
aravani to'ldirib meva-cheva, shirinliklar sotib olasan-u, lekin o'zing tatib ham ko'rmaysan;
o'zingning tashvishlaringdan ko'ra yaqinlaringniki muhimroq bo'lib boradi;
endi sen faqat o'zing uchun yashamaysan. senga umid bilan termulgan qora ko'zlarni ham o'ylaysan;
bir ma'noda, endi sen haloskor - qahramonsan. va albatta, bundan rohatlanasan.
va eng asosiysi, sen ham boshqa tipichniy dadalar kabi anunaqa ezma qo'shiqlarni eshitishni boshlaysan.
dada bo'lish qiyin va har kim ham buni eplay olmaydi. lekin, eplaganlar - ana o'shalar haqiqiy qahramonlar.
@kitobqurti
"but, did you die?!"
it's what you feel like the life is saying to you after raping you like a maniac. at such moments, your only refuge can be nothing but sleep; if you're lucky to fall and stay asleep, of course. you just want to silence the voices in your mind. but they're too loud. they will keep you up all night. you cannot run from them, nor completely silence them. there's no escape. then you turn to music, your old friend. play it even louder. so than you wont hear the voices anymore. but, you know what? it drains you. you can't carry on any more like this and collapse onto your bed, like a dead leaf. and yet, the life contemptuously keeps laughing at you - "but, did you die?!".
@kitobqurti
when it's just you against the world
if it doesn't feel right, you dont have to stick with the traditions or whatever the society uniformly outlined for everyone. you can and, perhaps, should take a different route in life and there's nothing wrong with it. if you can't see yourself in a happy marriage, you can always turn to friendship instead. if the society won't give you the dignity you deserve and you feel outed, then maybe you can find a group of fellow outcasts. if you don't want children in life, you can always channel your love to your loved ones, or a pet you adore. the point is you dont have to change a part of yourself to fit in the society. you can always choose to be a rebel, the black sheep or the madlad. if you believe this makes your otherwise miserable and grim life a bit more meaningful, then go for it. dont just sit and accept your fate. life has way more to offer than what the society made you believe.
@kitobqurti
when you ask a man how he is doing, he simply says "I'm alright". but you know what? that man is not alright. he's battling demons that you can't even possibly imagine. that man is struggling every single day to find a reason to keep going. and why we say "im alright" is because, as men, we do know that nobody really fucking cares what you're going through. so why bother to tell how you're actually feeling anyway?! because you're a man. you're not supposed to show weakness no matter how hard the life gets. but you know what? i feel you, brother. because, im "alright" too.
@kitobqurti
we did our best today. it's okay. we'll try again tomorrow.
@kitobqurti
so you know, i've been reading Aciman's new sequel novel "Find Me" for quite awhile now. honestly, i've become a super slow reader lately and it's already been a couple months since i started this book. so far so good. somewhat it still has a subtle touch of ''Call Me By Your Name". however, it's a whole new story. and mostly heterosexual for that matter. or so i think after reading only half way through. anyway, the book promised a lot. but i couldn't really get to the point where it takes me back to Elio's romantic world. and this expectation is keeping me curious somehow. let's see what happens next.
@kitobqurti
can money buy happiness?
no it cant. thats obvious. because, happienes is a state of mind, not a tangible object. but it can buy you a lot of things that can reduce your everyday stress levels and bring you some peace of mind. it can also buy you one of the most valuable things you can have - your time. with it you don't have to wait in ordinary lines, don't have to deal with low quality services or products, you can actually buy faster and better services. you can also improve your health with an access to better healthcare and high quality and healthy food and products. it can also reduce your stress and worries in everyday life, as it can solve all your financial problems which are the main causes of stress. once you've eliminated the majority of your problems and worries, life seems way easier and more enjoyable. you will have more time to spend with the people you love and to do the things you enjoy.
on the other hand, with poor management, money can also destroy your life beyond expectations. abusing money without considering the consequences can have numerous negative effects in the long run which you will definitely regret. just like having little or no money can depress your life, not being able to manage it with care when available in abundance, can also influence your life negatively. therefore, do your research on how to handle money and educate yourself in the ways of financial intelligence. with enough knowledge you can increase your wealth and by that imrove your life too.
happy reading!
@kitobqurti
i mean my life is a dream for many. and yet i still feel like a peace of shit sometimes. maybe im just too burntout. i dont know. i need a break. or else i'll lose my shit very soon. and on top of it all, i got flu. i'm really hoping its flu. or god forbid if its the ''you know what i mean'' disease... 🥲 jesus christ binni maryam! i'll just go straight to hell viza free🥲
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ushbu post bookwormdagi eng so'ngisi bo'lishini istadim
Qanday qilib xronik depressiya va xavotir buzilishlarni yengganim, travmalar, og'ir yo'qotishlar, chet elga moslashishdagi qiyinchiliklar, psixoterapiya va bookworm faoliyati to'xtalishi haqida
Qora kunlar
Oxirgi bir necha yil hayotimda turli zarbalar, sinov va yo'qotishlarga boy bo'ldi. Bolalikda ortdirilgan travmalar, yangi jamiyatga moslashishda yuzbergan qiyinchiliklar va shaxsiy hayotimdagi turli muammolar ruxiyatimga qattiq ta'sir qila boshladi. Tog'ri, qaysidir ma'noda, bulardan nimalarnidir o'rgandim, xarakterim shakillandi. Ammo, bu sinovlar o'z navbatida salbiy oqibatlarga ham olib kelmay qolmadi. Bir necha yil davom etgan xronik depressiya va buning natijasida shakillangan xavotir buzilishlari hayotimni haqiqiy ma'noda ortga tortayotgan edi. Atrofimdagi tengqurlarim mendan o'zib ketishgan, katta-katta marralarni zabt etishayotgan bir paytda, men kunni tunga bazo'r ulab olishgada kuchim yetmas edi. U paytlari suiqasd va o'lim haqidagi o'y-xayollarsiz o'tgan kunlarim deyarli bo'lmagan. Qisqasi, qorong'i zimiston ichida yashayotgandek bo'lardim. Hech narsaning qizig'i qolmagan, hayotdan ma'ni ham,umid ham ko'rmas edim. O'qishimga ham e'tibor bermay qo'yganim sabab baholarim ham sekin-asta pasaya boshlagan edi. Ishga ham o'lganni kunidan borib kelar, yeyishga yetarli pulim bo'lsa, bormay ham qo'yaverar edim. Boshqa yoshlardek nimadirlarga erishish, qattiqroq harakat qilish, muvaffaqqiyat kabi narsalar meni umuman qiziqtirmas, chunonchi balandparvoz eshitilar edi. Kunlarim deyarli uyqi bilan o'tar, o'rnimdan turish ham bir katta yumushdek tuyilardi. Bu holat yangi jamiaytga moslashishimga ham halaqit qildi. Bu esa, o'z navbatida bu yerdagi hayotimni qiyinlashtirib borardi. Shu o'rinda, yaqinim - Shaxboz hayotimdagi yagona tirgak bo'lganini alohida ta'kidlab o'tmoqchiman. Ham moddiy, ham ma'naviy yordamini hech qachon ayamadi. U bo'lmaganda, men ham hozirgacha yo'q bo'lib ketgan bo'larmidim. Ba'zan, xudo biz bir o'zimiz kurashishga kuchimiz yetmasligini yaxshi bilib, yordamchi farishta yuborar ekan. Shaxboz shunday farishtalardan edi.
Holatimni anglab yetishim
Mendagi bu holat normal emasligi doim bilganman. Lekin, muammo aynan nimada ekanini ham, bu holatni qanday nomlashni ham, birovga qanday tushuntirishni ham bilmas edim. Ko'p marta doktorga ham ko'ringanman. Lekin, nima bo'layotganini tushuntirib berolmaganim sabab aniq tashxis qo'yisholmagan (yoki, doktorlar oddiy depressiyani ham farqlolmayidgan mol bo'lgan). Keyinchalik, o'qib-izlanib, bu holat fanda "depressiya" deb atalishi va bu ruxiy kasallik ekanini bilganimdan so'ng bu borada yanada ko'proq o'rganishga kirishdim. Xulosam shu bo'ldiki, agar rostdan ham bu holatdan chiqib ketishni istasam, menga psixoterapevtdan o'zgasi yordam berolmas ekan. Shunday qilib, psixoterapiyaga murojaat qilish haqida o'ylay boshladim. Lekin, bu juda uzoqqa cho'zildi. Ichimda nimadir bunga izin bermas edi (keyin bildimki, bu ham depressiyaning ta'siri bo'lib, depressiyadagi inson bundan chiqib ketish ichun hech qanday harakat qilmaydi, qilolmaydi). Vaqti kelib, psixoterapevtlarni izlay boshladim. Juda ko'pi bilan gaplashdim. Lekin, birortasi ham to'g'ri kelmadi. Oxiri, Sarvinoz Omonova ham borligi esimga tushdi. Shunday qilib u bilan terapiyani boshladik.
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@kitobqurti
- what's wrong?
- i... i miss her...
- even after all this time?!
- always...
@kitobqurti
story time
so there's this guy. he's my favorite human. in fact, he's the only human i interact with everyday. and so am i for him. we're like best friends or brothers. but when we first met we only talked in english for quite a while for no apparent reason (i know thats cringe). and when we finally spoke uzbek we were both surprised bcuz it sounded so... umm.. cute? (i couldn't find another way to put it, honestly). he was like "omg you sound so cute in uzbek". and im like "oh i know right😌 and you too". i still dont get it. this happens with so many other people too.
so the moral of the story: seriously im done with this morals!😐
thanks for reading my weird morning story! have a good day🐻❄️
@kitobqurti
confession time
today i didnt go to my class and attended thru zoom instead and i lied to my professor that i had fever and thats why i couldn't go to the classroom. but in fact, i did not have fever. i just didn't want to go all the way to the campus in this freezing cold. may god forgive me. ok bye.
@kitobqurti
i literally have 10+ chapters from math to catch up with. am i overwhelmed? absolutely. am i crying? yes i think so. am i still gonna try my best? fuck yes!! but i need to eat something first and sit down and start reviewing. as long as i can create a momentum i'll finish it all in no time. i got this. ok bye!
@kitobqurti
ba'zan telegramga kirsam, onajon "typing" turgan bo'ladilar. kutaman, kutaman, anchagacha typing. keyin bir chiqib kirsam ham typing. uf ishqilib tinchlik bo'lsinda, deb qo'yaman ichimda. "typing" qancha uzoq tursa, mendagi anxiety shuncha kuchayadi. keyin typing o'chib orqasidan sms keladi. yuragimi hovuchlab smsni ochaman. uzuuuuun duo qilib yozib yuborgan bo'ladilar. moooooommmm!!!😭 i love you🥺 i really dont deserve this woman🥲
@kitobqurti
men ham borgan sari dada bo'pqolyapman. chunki tipichniy dadalar eshitadigan shunaqa qo'shiqlarni eshitish menga yoqyapti.
help🥲
@kitobqurti
when i was a little child, this epic movie came out, called "the lord of the rings". and no wonder, after watching the movie, all i wanted to become was the elves - the wisest, immortal and the fairest of all creatures. but now, as the years passed, all i want is to live like a hobbit in the shire, minding my own business, doing gardening and cooking, and partying with friends in my hobbithole. these folks truly know how to live their lives peacefully and to the fullest.
@kitobqurti
buni sizga hech kim aytmaydi. lekin,
deyarli lyuboy kitobni wikipediyaga yozsangiz o'sha kitobning eng asosiy fikr va g'oyalari jamlangan to'liq summarysi chiqadi.
masalan, juda ko'p kitoblar vaqt sarflab o'qishga arzimaydi. shunchaki summarysini o'qishning o'zi kifoya.
thank me later🐻❄️
@kitobqurti
i know i've been too active for the last couple days. it's because im sick and staying at home having no energy or desire to do anything else. so meanwhile why not keep you guys and myself entertained. hehe. so here's another little story.
the other day i was with the guys for a lunch and this one guy, whose behavior i really dont approve of, also came along and joined us (for simplicity reasons let's call him "the guy''). so we were sitting around the table and the host served the dish (palov hehe). and "the guy", as he always does, started his usual gossiping ritual about every single soul in the uzbek community here in our university. who is fucking whom, who is a whore, and who is gay, who is lesbian, who is dating who... like literally all the inside information you can possibly think of and beyond. and there was no single soul to tell him to shut the fuck up. bcuz they were all enjoying the fresh gossips. for me it really looked disgusting. i can never understand this community. even the men. why would anyone really care about other people's personal lives, let alone their sex affairs and orientations. i mean, what the actual fuck is wrong with you, guys? it's as if they think of themselves as the lord's innocent saint angels on earth.
morale of the story: dont be a dick and start taking care of yourself before following other people's asses.
thank you for listening to my bedtime story. good night!🐻❄️
@kitobqurti
hey it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. i know, it's a lot. but you got this! 🐻❄️
@kitobqurti
no matter how much i try to keep my posts casual, i still end up with cocktail essays made of formal to academic register with a touch of informal jargon here and there, that, in no way sounds like a proper essay. anyway i tried to deliver my ideas and i hope i accomplished. even if i couldn't, its still my channel and im the boss! hihi🐻❄️
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so, anyway. let's have a story time
so, there's this guy i talk to. he's nice and smart but... there's one "but''... he's a business student (and so am i. but its a different story). well, he studies MBA at korea's No1 business school. you can admire him, honestly. and everyone likes him for that matter. but still, for me he's just a typical business student. the way he talks and behaves is so generic for his field. and thanks to which he is often the victim of my teasings. sometimes i take it too far. and yet he just keeps listening with a smile.
let me explain. sometimes i really feel cringe when he uses his business lingo with me. the other day i finally asked him not to use the bullshit words like "success", "achieve" or "try hard" while he's with me. it just sounds so fake and cringe. and yet he never gets offended and most importantly he clearly knows im right hehe and i like that
so the moral of the story: i dont know. i just dont like business students. they're fake as fuck, tho im one of them. hehe
@kitobqurti
and thanks for coming to my drama session. it really helped honestly hehe)) i'm some indian level drama queen sometimes hihi
see you in next drama therapy sessions!
so i know this guy. he's korean and he said he recently bought a land just outside the city where i live. he wants to build a cozy little house and a farm there. just so that he can be self sufficient. he said he hated every single job he did so far. now he wants to live a peaceful life in the countryside. i lowkey envied him to be honest. bcuz he's brave to actually get what he wanted in this life. and there's me over here. complaining and crying like the little bitch that i am.
now i should buy a land in the countryside too lol or a car. yes i'll buy a car
