-
Head over to @reddit2telegram @r_channels for more subreddits channels.
TIFU -- By Calling The Cops On An Arguing Couple
Obligatory -- This happened quite a few years ago. Before cellphones.
I was taking a walk one day, and the neighborhood I lived in at the time wasn't the best. It was mostly working-class -- primarily aircraft workers -- but because the houses were so cheap to rent, there were also quite a few "questionable" residents.
Anyhow, a ways ahead of me was a girl who was going in the same direction I was. She was far enough away, and my eyesight isn't all that great, and she was pretty petite, so I assumed it was a kid headed toward the elementary school about a block away.
I remember thinking that I hoped she had a note for being so late to class, when a plain, white van screeched to a stop right by her. I mean, this was a stereotypical, windowless, unmarked, white van. It was... a murder van. I was certain of it.
The driver got out, and took the girl by her shoulders and sort of pushed her into the van. They were too far away for me to catch up and try and protect the girl, so the only thing I could think to do is to memorize the tag and the best description I could of the girl.
Van takes off, and I practically ran to the elementary school. Like I said, before cellphones. I told the school secretary what I'd witnessed and she called the police. They showed up fairly quickly (I guess a kidnapped kid will light a fire under their asses). I gave them the description of the girl, the van, and the tag. They ran the plates, and the address was only about 3-4 blocks away. Another car was sent to the address, while the officer at the school continued to take my report. I swear, I'd never seen cops move so fast.
About ten or so minutes later, the other officer radioed in, and come to find out, the guy was the girl's boyfriend, she was an adult, they lived with her mother, and they had apparently been having an argument, which is why she was out, and why he came and fetched her.
I was so embarrassed, but the secretary and the officer thought it was amusing. So everything turned out good in the end, and I decided I'd had enough reality for one day, so headed back toward home. I found the house the girl and her boyfriend lived in (I wasn't searching for it, it was just on my way), and they were all three outside.
I came up to them, introduced myself, and apologized for the chaos earlier. They laughed it off, and the girl's mother said, "I'm glad you did call, because what if she really was a little kid who was kidnapped? Besides, maybe it'll teach her not to air her fights in public from now on."
So, it all ended well, but holy crap did it scare me silly.
TL;DR -- Called the cops because I thought I'd witnessed a kidnapping, but it was just a girl and her BF arguing.
https://redd.it/klaq63
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by being violated by a spider
This happened earlier today.
I woke up this morning with the usual full bladder, and went to take a leak. As I was getting ready to unleash the flood, I noticed a decent sized spider chilling in the corner. Usually I'm pretty chill with spiders, but I couldn't have this guy in my house and potentially sneaking up on me (too many bad experiences with finding random bugs crawling on me in bed). After I finished up and flushed, I grabbed a sandal, coaxed this guy onto it, and flung him into the toilet. While washing my hands, I felt a little bit guilty since he wasn't bothering me and I usually try to release insects outdoors. Karma made sure to take a note of this.
Later on, after a healthy fibrous breakfast, I made my way back to the bathroom to drop anchor. I took a seat, pulled up reddit, and went to town. As I was finishing up, I felt a slight tickle on my butt. I shifted to get ready to wipe, and that's when I noticed the feeling of tiny legs making their way towards my butthole. Being the calm and collected person I am, I flipped the fuck out and immediately started swatting at my asshole, covering my hand in shit in the process. And amidst the filth covering my hand, I saw what I assume was the legs of that poor 8-legged bastard I threw in the toilet. I cleaned myself up, scrubbed the hell out of my hands, and went back to what I was doing. And then the itching started. It's been a couple hours since and it itches like hell, with what I assume is a bump forming near my nether region. I tried looking up the spider, and so far I don't have any indication that I should be worried about the bite. Next time though, I'm throwing the damn spider outside.
TL;DR - Tried to kill a spider, got violated in the process, and now my asshole is on fire.
https://redd.it/kl8pp9
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by letting a construction worker see me measuring my dick.
The front part of our house was undergoing some renovation a few weeks ago, not too much but enough to require 3 construction workers. While 2 worked on the house itself, one would do all the mixing and stuff.
Anyway, on one of those days, I was jerking off in my room and for some weird reason, I decided to measure my dick. I started looking for a ruler with my dick still out and fully erect. It took me like 2 mins but I finally find it but by that time, my dick was kinda flaccid so I jerked it again to make it erect. Thing is, I was now standing in front of my open window and although there were curtains, they had been pulled back so whoever was on the other side had a clear view.
I didn't even notice that at the time so I kept doing my business and proceeded to measure my dick. Then I looked up and saw the construction worker who does the mixing looking at me with a horrified expression on his face. He must have been watching me the whole time.
I moved aside, put back my dick and hid in my room for the whole day. After that, I totally avoided the guy and when he'd make eye contact, I'd act as though he didn't even exists, so yeah, that's how I fucked up.
TL;DR. A few weeks ago, I was jerking off and decided to measure my dick. I didn't notice that one of the construction workers working on our house was watching me the entire time. I realised he was after I was done measuring and had to avoid him the entire period he was there
https://redd.it/kl703u
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by slicing my eyebrow open on my ps2 and going to the hospital
This didn’t happen today but happened 14 years ago. I was in middle school and my friend was sleeping over so we decided to play Star Wars battlefront 2. At the time I had a ps2 that was able to stand straight up, this is important for later. Anyways me and my friend are playing hero’s vs villains on Mos Eisley and I was playing Chewbacca. Well I discovered that if you time it right and sprint jump over his time bomb, Chewy will blast off across the map with this rag doll effect while yelling.
Here’s where I fucked up. I showed my buddy and we start pissing ourselves laughing and decided to replicate this for hours. At one point I was laughing so hard that I rocked forward and my head slammed into the corner of my ps2. I was in instant pain but didn’t think much about it cause I was laughing so hard. That is until I went to put my hand on my head and felt something warm. I went to the bathroom and turned the light on (we were playing in the dark) and saw that blood was all over my white t shirt and pouring out from my eyebrow.
Anyways I head upstairs and casually say to my mom “I’m bleeding”. She turned around from cutting peppers and saw me covered in blood. My dad ended up coming home from work and my friend came with me to the hospital as I got my eyebrow stitched up.
TLDR: Blew Chewbacca across Mos Eisley causing me to cut open my eyebrow on my ps2 and get stitches at the hospital.
https://redd.it/kl4i3j
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by making a 6 year old sit in the cold
Obligatory, this happened about 5 years ago (obviously names changed). I was a freshman in high school at the time and for the most part, I was a great kid but had my fuck ups every now and then just like everyone else. My parents were going through a pretty ugly divorce and my mom had taken my phone away for months so my grandpa bought me one of those prepaid straight talk phones, so naturally it came with a new number. Fast forward to band class one day. I was sitting around all my buddies when a random number texts me saying something along the lines of
“Hey could you get Timmy tomorrow. I have a late meeting.”
Me being the stupid kid I was, I thought this was a prime time for some good laughs with my friends. They agreed.
“Yes of course I’ll be there.”
Few days go by and I completely forget about the whole ordeal. I wake up to a text saying, roughly, “You think you’re fucking funny?! I know exactly who you are and I will find you insert my first and last name” This woke me up immediately and I was scared shitless all day. He put my number through Facebook and my prepaid number was somehow linked with my Facebook already. School day goes by and when I get home, I get another text explaining what happened. Apparently my prepaid number belonged to the ex wife of timmys father. He sat outside of his local rec center, FOR 3 HOURS. This was in January and where I’m from the weather is not kind during the winter. It closed shortly after he was done there so no one checked up on him sitting out there. I still feel absolutely terrible for it and I wish I could make it up to him somehow.
TL;DR: my freshman year I was an idiot and got a random text and played along with it. Ended up saying I would pick a child up from practice and he sat in the cold for hours.
Also sorry if this is difficult to read, this is my first TIFU post
https://redd.it/kkwda2
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by getting stuck at an airport for 7 days
Today I fucked up, ladies and gents.
For the next glorious 7 days I will be stuck at this German airport 24/7, with barely any money, having to sleep in hidey spots with my bags, hoping nobody will find me, my credit card decided to die and I have cash for about 2 energy drinks from the vending machine.
I had a flight scheduled for today, and apparently I needed a Covid test. Not a single government page had any details about this, but it doesn't matter anymore.
Any sort of helpful tips that could save my ass somewhat are more than welcome, if not desperately needed, from which snacks are the best to not starve to ways to hide better at an airport
I have a laptop, cloths, and hope. The next flight I can afford will happen on 3rd of January. Wish me luck, everybody
TL:DR Didn't know needed a covid test for a flight, now I'm stuck for 7 days at an airport with no money
https://redd.it/kl148i
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by drinking with my girlfriend
Obligatory happened last
My girlfriend decided she wanted to get drunk last night. well after drinking quite a bit we both decided we’d take one last shot and call it a night. I pour the shots and next thing I know things start getting spicy. After a couple minutes of making out we decided to take the shot then go to our bedroom. By this time I’ve gotten myself pretty excited (also we don’t have any clothes on by this point.) My girlfriend who is fairly drunk, spilled her shot directly onto my penis. The burn was literally immediate. It felt like some took an entire tube of icy hot to my cock and balls, and then by the time I got it under control she was slumped in bed, and I was left alone with nothing but my burning dick and disappointment.
TLDR; Got drunk with my gf, things got hot and heavy and she spilled alcohol on my dick
https://redd.it/kl0l4f
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by ruining my Christmas proposal
Obligatory this happened 5 years ago on Christmas Day.
A bit of backstory ... I had a slip and all accident about 3 months prior to Christmas day in which I had dislocated my shoulder, hurt my back and broke a few toes. I would control the pain majority of the time with just advil and tylenol but when I overdid it and was really hurting, I would take a prescribed combination of muscle relaxer and pain medication which I considered my "zombie pills" as they would make me feel pretty drowsy and out of it.
This was my first Christmas Eve living with C. We had met online and lived on opposite sides of the country. We spent a year dating long distance before I had finally moved in with him in June. To celebrate our first Christmas together, and my first away from my family, we went all out. We had a HUGE Christmas Eve dinner which I did 90% of the cooking. We were spoiled with gifts from his family and we were just all super excited to be together for the first year. It was over and above!
After dinner, I was in pain, knowing I had overdone things. I wanted to take my "zombie pills" about 9:00 pm and go to bed, however, I had to check in to a flight at midnight as I was flying across the country to see my family on Christmas day night. So instead, I stayed awake and pushed through the pain. At midnight I was able to check into my flight. I was hurting enough that I decided to take the zombie pills then.
At 5:00 am my phone rang. It was tradition that we wake up at 7:00 am every year. My mom and brothers were awake (it was 7:00 am for them). C and I sleepily got out of bed and went to the living room and did a video call with my family. We decided since we were awake we might as well open our Christmas gifts. Once we were done, I was falling asleep on the couch and so C told me to go to bed for awhile longer.
A few hours later he woke me up and with the promise of making me bacon, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. We put bacon in the oven and he prompted me to look at the tree, he had forgot a gift earlier. I felt SO out of it, but I went to the tree and saw nothing underneath. He encouraged me to keep looking and I found a bag hanging on the tree. I just knew. I knew that inside that bag would be a ring. I pulled it off the tree and sure enough, there was a ring box. I opened the box and it was empty. When I turned around, he was on one knee and he asked me to be his forever. The first thing I said was "get up" and then of course I said yes.
I cry at every single proposal video and story, and yet, I didn't cry at my own proposal. I felt like I was smiling bigger than ever, and yet my insides were numb. I felt like a zombie. Everything was just a bit muted. C was expecting me to cry, he was expecting a ton of emotion and excitement and although I was trying to exude emotion, I felt like I was faking it. C kept asking me if I was ok and I kept having to reassure him that I was happy.
He still teases me for not crying during our proposal.
It turned out ok, that was 5 years ago and we have now been married 3.5 years. I am happier than I have ever been. But that moment that should have been so exciting and special, was ZOMBIED and muted.
Tl;dr: Took pain meds that made me feel like a zombie and it muted my emotions so that when my husband proposed he didn't think I meant it when I said yes.
https://redd.it/kkxrsi
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by making/trying edibles for the first time with my mom. We shared well over a gram of weed and are waiting for our impending doom.
So I decided to try edibles with my family today. None of us have ever eaten weed, so naturally we looked up a brownie recipe on the tubes.
Well, when we popped em out of the oven, like any other brownies, we let em cool.
Fast forward 30 minutes, I try the first brownie. To feel out it’s effects before traumatizing my other family members.
So I waited about 90 minutes before eating another. Then decided by then it was fine for my mom to have one. Within another 30 minutes, I ate three more.
Long story short, my mom had 3 brownies. I had 5.
As I had almost given up and considered reaching for another, I start to feel them.
We are JUST now feeling the first one kick in...
Now we are google searching about edibles, low-key freaking out in front of my little sisters.
So yeah, we shared half the pan of brownies.
How fucked are we?
TL;DR:
My mom and I tried edibles for the first time and ate half a gram of weed. It hasn’t kicked in.
Edit: 37 minutes later. I seriously can not move my legs. Everything suddenly got euphoric and deeply calming
Edit 2: 40 more minutes later. My thoughts are extremely abstract, and very vivid. This is my last update. I am seconds from falling in the floor and cannot believe I am typing this rn.
https://redd.it/kkvs4h
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by ruining my husband’s relationship with milk
TIFU by making my husband realize his relationship with milk has been a lie
Husband and I are back in his home town for the holidays. I proposed his brothers, mom, and us all go to lunch, and we did such. We’re all laughing and shit talking before the food comes out. We tell the family about the crazy land of Florida where they sell alcoholic milkshakes on the street! We got talking about dairy. I mention how my husband always gets farty whenever he has ice cream and sometimes cheese. It’s not terrible but I tolerate it because I love my husband. That was it.... This is what broke my husband... his mom said to him “YEAH!! You’re lactose intolerant. Until you turned 4, you would vomit after drinking whole milk. I would start giving you soy milk and just convinced you it was regular milk. That’s why you got to drink from you own special cartoon growing up”.
Bells just start going off. His facial expression just went blank. He was kind blown. It was always something he suspected but something he widely blew off (this man is more stubborn than a god damn mule). I cook with SO much dairy from ice cream shakes to double cream fettuccine noodles (that was a rough night) to eating yoghurt sauce with Indian curries to just about anything dairy! I love cooking, and my husband loves eating!
This man is 24 and didn’t know he is intolerant towards milk. His mom and brothers started dying, confessing how much my husband’s farts smells when he eats dairy. My husband still stood in shock! His mom just assumed he realized it with age but that was WRONG!
My husband served in the military. When he was in boot camp, he was uncontrollably farty. So much, that his Drill Instructor made him breathe in his own fart as a lesson to get him to stop (this was a joke). He always felt bad for his bunk mate who got so many whiffs of his farts that came about his deep sleep. My husband had no clue why he always farted. It finally clicked in him... it was all the dairy in boot camp from milk and yoghurt!
Update: He still will continue normal consumption with dairy. He’s a bit salty about finding out. Only one suffering is me.... oh the things we milk for love!
Tl;Dr: Husband hangs out with family and finds out after 24 years that he is lactose intolerant.
https://redd.it/kktyuy
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by how i welcomed a coworker.
Last year, I worked as a camp counselor at a summer camp upstate. I was a returning staff member that year, and I arrived at camp for staff training an hour or two early, so not many staff members were there. I asked my director when the international staff members would be getting there, and she said that none of them would be up at the cabins yet, so I, thinking that all the cabins were empty, drove my car up and burst into my cabin, acting like I owned the place. This cabin had been my home for so long, and I was so excited for another summer at camp. I thought, what better way to usher in the summer than to take my maiden dump in the cabin. After dropping my bags on the floor, I walked up to the door and kicked it in - yes, literally. There before me, sat my co-counselor from the UK who had yet to meet anyone at camp taking a poop on the toilet. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but for some reason, I extended my right hand and said, "Hi, I'm my name." I was so excited to begin another summer that I'd rehearsed how I would meet the new staff members over and over, and I guess it was a reflex. Now, this girl is absolutely terrified. The look of utter shock in her eyes is not to be believed. She has just come to the United States to work with strangers for an entire summer, and this random woman has just walked in on her pooping. Now, at this point, I had realized just how hard I done goofed. My next thought was something along the lines of 'I know! Humor will solve everything.' Very confident in my imminent social recovery from my faux pas, I began to look around the bathroom for something to comment on. At this point, almost 5 entire seconds had passed. Do me a favor and count out five seconds right now. It's way longer than you think. This poor girl was sitting there, terrified, facing a stranger, whose hand is still outstretched, and I, at this point, have for some reason fixated on a spider web in the corner. I raise my left hand slowly to point to the web with my right hand still outstretched, desperately searching for something funny to say. I've got nothing. I have now realized just how bad this has gotten, and all I can muster is a feeble "I'm sorry" before running out of the bathroom and driving away as quickly as I possibly can.
TL;DR: Started a conversation with a pooping coworker.
https://redd.it/kkst2k
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by not realizing my car was picking up my bluetooth.
Today we ran out to pick up large furniture. The only way it fit in our vehicle was to flatten the back of my spouse's SUV. But we have kids under 10 and no sitter. So we take two cars.
We get it all loaded up, I'm driving the SUV with the furniture and my spouse is driving our other vehicle (my usual car) with the kids. I got about 30 minutes of kid free time so I put on some celebrity podcast. The dude happens to be discussing a movie where he had to do a prolonged sex scene and it ended being 8 hours of making out, breast fondling and ass grabbing. Along with pretending to go down on his female counterpart.
My spouse's car is old so I'm just listening through my phone speaker when it cuts out. I get annoyed thinking my data plan killed the app and try figuring it out. But it's still going. I stop and start, it starts playing again no problem. A few minutes later it cuts out again. Minute or two later I get it started again. It cuts out after 3 minutes but the light turned green so I couldn't look at it and give up.
A moment later my phone starts ringing and it dawns on me. It's cutting out every time I'm behind my spouse at a red light. My spouse is calling "Please stop, just please stop! It's all ass and titties up in here talking about panties and eating out and grabbing things. And how the f do you change this to the damn radio?!"
Every time I got too close my car's bluetooth would pick up my phone and start playing the podcast. Now my spouse is figuring out my dash settings and my kids are asking to eat out for dinner.
TL;DR TIFU when my family is in the car in front of me and their bluetooth kept syncing with my phone, blasting my NSFW podcast for my kiddos.
https://redd.it/kkqzmw
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by blurting out a co workers name during sex with gf
Okay so this happened last week and I figured it’s worthy of a post so here it goes. To keep things brief, I work 12 hour overnight shifts and am a zombie most of the time. Being in a relationship with my wonderful girlfriend I often take an hour or couple hour nap to live a day life with her on days off. My fuck up.
I had planned a very romantic night: candles, rose pedals, wine, dinner, warm bath... major boyfriend points right here. All this obviously lead to the bedroom. Fast forward a couple rounds and it being 2 am. I have been awake for far to long and starting to fall asleep as we kiss and cuddle. I close my eyes briefly and in that moment start dreaming of work, specifically of an encounter with a coworker, Mike.
My girlfriend is being flirty, cute, cuddle bug on me and I blurt out, “Mikes a cool guy” as she’s mid feeling me up and probably wanting another round.
Immediately she is confused, I ruined the moment, I am fully awake and confused myself. I don’t understand what just came out of my mouth. We burst out laughing.
Now we have the best inside joke I think we could share. Thank you exhaustion, you did me a solid... sorta.
TLDR: girlfriend and myself have a romantic night and after multiple rounds I blurt out the stupidest phrase and ruin the moment, but create a solid inside joke.
https://redd.it/kkoqo3
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by taking too much Ambien (20mg) which caused me to blackout and travel interstate.
Four days ago, I had a severe bout of insomnia. One of my friends (let's call her Lucy), had previously given me 4 (10 mg) pills of Ambien for emergency use if I ever had trouble falling asleep.
So here's where the fuckup begins.
I initially took one but it had absolutely no effect even after waiting an hour. So I took another one. (didn't know that pills take longer to work if your stomach isn't empty). All this happened while I was browsing Reddit on my phone.
About 30 minutes later, everything around me began to breathe and that's when I blacked out.
I 'woke up' the next day on the side of a street in a neighboring state, with no money and phone power. My shoulder appeared to be bruised and dislocated. But despite all that, I was fully clothed and had my mask on.
What happened after that is not important but I did my darn best to reconstruct to events transpired during my blackout.
I managed to answer four questions:
a. How did I travel? By Uber apparently
b. Why did I travel? My lizard brain decided it needed to see one of my close friends ASAP. Little did it know, it entered the wrong address and missed my friend's house by around 2000 feet. My intoxicated brain gave up at some point in time after being dropped off.
b. What happened to my shoulder? I got hit by a car and refused medical help.
c. What caused me to blackout? I way too much Ambien on a non-empty stomach.
TLDR; I took too much Ambien and went on an interstate adventure in search for my friend. Got hit by a car, refused medical help, and woke up on a street somewhat close to my friend's house.
edit: I threw the rest of my pills down the drain. Never again.
https://redd.it/kkm2js
@r_channels_tifu
I was basically seeing jesus drunk
Somehow I managed to get into the downstairs toilet projectile vomited everywhere - seriously theres sick on the walls and floor - and sat there crying for 45 minutes. I was insisting I needed to clean it up and apologising for being a mess, whilst sipping at a glass of water - that had appeared about half way through.
It's hazy but eventually with the fams help I dragged myself up to bed and passed out. Not long woke up and saw my brother and sis in law off, the others are asleep and I'm trying to work out how I'm going to clean this bathroom without adding to mess.
Sorry it isn't a big fuck up, but I hope you guys enjoyed it none the less.
If you have any cleaning tips I'd appreciate it :)
TLDR; I spent the whole day drinking, and then backed myself into a corner to the point where I had to come out to my mother for mine and hers sanity, but chugged a litre bottle of malibu before doing so.
Then projectile vomited all over the bathroom floor and walls and in the toilet.
A bathroom floor and walls which I now have to try clean without throwing up even more.
https://redd.it/kklc1f
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by sending my brother a picture of my boobs
Ah, everyone’s nightmare. So, last night, my boyfriend had to go grab something from the other room and jokingly asked me to send him nudes while he was gone. I agreed. I hurriedly snapped a pic and went to send it to my bf.
Now, I should mention that my boyfriend and my brother have sort of similar sounding names. Occasionally I will mix up their names in conversation and will immediately cringe at myself, or will ask Siri to call the wrong person. This was the worst possible time to have a mixup like this.
I realized my mistake as soon as I hit send. My boyfriend then came into the room and I told him what I had done, to which he looked horrified then burst out laughing. I tried calling my brother twice, no answer. I spammed our chat so he would have to scroll up to see the picture.
Finally, I called my sister in law and instructed her to go on his phone and delete our entire chat history before he saw the picture. At least on my phone, you do not have to open the chat in order to delete its history. I severely hope it is the same on Samsung :(
Either way, I think I saved the situation because my brother did not see my tits. But the panic I felt in such a short amount of time (start to finish it was probably a minute and a half) was so intense.
TL:DR- Sent my brother a pic of my boobs, saved the situation by having my sister in law delete the chat history before he saw it
https://redd.it/kl80h5
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by kissing my child's finger tldr at bottom.
So a little back story, I'm a strong believer that mommy's kisses can make any ouchie feel better. So much so that my child can get hurt in the slightest and say mommy kiss it and all is well in the world... Well I done F***ed up last night... There I was laying with him in bed reading him a story when he shoved his finger in my face (clear sign of mommy kiss it). I wasn't paying attention as I was reading and it was low light so I instinctively kissed away... well then he kept shoving his finger in my face so I kissed and said all better... Then the last time he uttered the dreaded "ewww gross stinky". It was only then did I realize my mistake... See reddit my son has developed a bad habit of digging for gold, especially this time of year with allergies.... And you guessed it. I look down at his cute little fingers and he has the biggest green nugget hanging on for dear life, right where I had just kissed MULTIPLE TIMES. He couldn't get it off and he wanted me to get it off for him.... I guess it could have been worse, it could have came off on my lips. Needless to say I will be checking all boo boos before I kiss from now on.
TLDR: I kissed my son's finger thinking he hurt himself, turns out he just had a huge booger stuck to his finger he needed help getting off. So now my new nickname is booger lips.
https://redd.it/kl7mtw
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by not having birthday
So like many stories here this did not happen today but about 8 years ago. If you are looking for another naughty tifu, sorry to disappoint, nothing spicy here. Not even sure if there is a lesson to be learned...
Also - english not first language, formating mobile, yada yada...
So this all started with a joke where I created a false identity meeting a few new friends who did not know me before over a weekend for shits and giggles. So the old friends were in it and just called me by a different name and the new ones got to know me by this new name - funny stuff and by the end of the weekend I even reacted to my new fake name on reflex just like my actual name.
Coming home I started to change my internet persona to this fake name - facebook, whatsapp, etc and thought well that's good for my privacy, since my friends surely knew who it was and no need to give real name to Mr. Zuckerberg and friends.
Since then every internet-login which did not really require my real name got this fake-persona which does really help with identifying spam (LPT right here). Of course over time this persona did get his own address, birthday etc - so even if I forgot my password on a random site I could restore it with ease. Everything went fine - people on facebook would congratulate on the wrong day of course but who cares. My closer friends who knew my real birthday would congratulate with things like "happy Tuesday" or similar enjoying the inside joke.
Fast forward to the Tifu:
2 years later, I still have my internet-persona, thinking nothing about it when...well... It is my personas birthday and there is a Business-Dinner pre Christmas on my workplace.
So I arrive there and the whole staff is sitting in a circle waiting for me - and starts singing happy birthday led by my coworker as soon as I enter "Yeah, I saw you have birthday on Facebook, surprise!". I'm just standing there, stopped dead in my tracks and realising what the fuck ist happening. My brain is on damage prevention mode trying to find a way out while they start to sing the second verse. There is no way I'm going to tell all those singing people that in fact I do not have birthday today - or so I think - well just play along and get this over with. They will be happy to have made me happy with the surprise and I do not have to tell them that they just fell for a 2y old joke... Spoiler: Not the best decision...
So they sing their song, I say thank you and can we please start with the food but every damn one of the staff now decides they absolutely want to personally congratulate and hug. Well now it's obviously too late and surely I thank everyone for their best wishes. This took what felt like ages and there only where two or three people left when everything went absolutely downhill as our personal management lady entered and realized what was going on. She is the one responsible for all the
birthday present/card stuff in the office and was shocked to seemingly having forgotten my birthday. I'm just standing there like a deer looking into the headlights of impeding doom. "But O. I thought your birthday was in 3 months? Let me check my calendar" - Silence in the whole room - Everybody is looking at me with something between confusion and disgust while I finally admit not having birthday and telling about my fake internet-birthday.
Worst christmas dinner ever followed...
TLDR; Had fake birthday on FB, co-workers sang and congratulated, decided to play along and got exposed, followed by a silent and awkward business-christmas-dinner.
https://redd.it/kl55fx
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by sitting down too hard on the toilet, literally destroying it
So yesterday I wanted to go for a walk, in an attempt to burn some of the Christmas calories that I had been shovelling my face with for several days straight.
Light snowfall and no wind, so I thought why not make it a long one. I decided to do one that around town is called "Around the Bridges," which is 15km (9.3 miles) long. A nice walk, far away from any traffic for the most part, crossing the river running through town at to difference points.
About a quarter of the way through I noticed the snowfall had started to pick up, but didn't think much about it. Forecast said it would be too much snow coming down, and wind wasn't supposed to go all crazy either. Double checked on my phone, and forecast had barely checked. So I kept going.
Halfway through however and I realised the meteorologists had been lying too me.
So. Much. Snow. And it was coming down sideways because of the fucking wind.
To make it even worse I had noticed the snow wasn't really "bouncing" off my snowpants and jacket like it had in the beginning. The temperature had started to rise. So instead it was clinging to my clothing, making me wet. Frustration started growing.
By the time I got home I was soaked. Cold. Face hurting from squinting, trying to avoid snow coming into my eyes.
Immediately went to the bathroom to get undressed to avoid getting the hallway floor too wet.
With the clothes off I threw myself on the toilet seat, kinda like you would do on a recliner or a couch, after a long and annoying day at work.
Not my best move.
I cracked the ceramic on both sides of the toilet. Front part game off the floor and the whole thing is now leaning. I turned my toilet into an actual recliner.
I called the property owner's emergency lined, but since it's not leaking water, they deemed it's not an emergency and I will have to wait until Monday to make a report with the normal customer service, and I would assume it's not getting fixed until after New Years.
Until then I will have to go outside to a building where all residents share laundry facility to do my business. It's still snowing heaps, it's still windy as fuck.
So because I got so pissed off from a snow storm I broke my toilet, I know have to go through a snowstorm to have a shit.
TL;DR: got pissed off walking through a snowstorm, threw myself on the toilet when I came home cracking the ceramic. Because of the holidays I will now, for several days, have to go outside through more snowstorms to do my business.
https://redd.it/kl3raz
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by looking like I was trying to lure neighborhood kids.
This happened yesterday and I am equal parts amused and mortified.
I live in a very average suburban neighborhood. Kids playing in the streets, neighbors are friendly, you get the idea.
I recently bought a beat up old pickup truck. I have a daily driver, but this truck is for Home Depot runs and the like. Personally I love it, but I have been made aware of the effect it has on people. This will become relevant soon.
A few weeks ago a tree went down at a neighbor’s house right around the corner from my house. The tree company came and cut it into logs. It’s been sitting on the neighbor’s front lawn ever since. I have a fireplace so I’ve had my eye on the wood. I figured If they’re not using it, I can swing by and load it in my truck to chop up. The thing is, I’ve never met these neighbors. I don’t know their names and I never see them outside. So I’ve just been sort of waiting until I happen to see somebody out front to ask about the logs.
Fast forward to today. I’m driving by in my beat up old truck and I see a couple of kids coming out of the house. Two boys, probably 10-12 years old. Great, I figure I’ll pull over and ask if their parents are home to inquire about the wood. So I pull up on the curb. The thing is, I didn’t see them until I was almost to their house, so I guess I pulled up kind of fast. Well they must have been freaked out by my shitty pickup or my speedy maneuver or whatever because they fuckin’ bolted the second they saw me. So now I’m in a predicament because I don’t want our neighbors to see me speed up and then kids run away like I’m some kind of weirdo. So I roll down the window and say “hey are your parents home? I need to ask them a question?” They hear me (I think) but keep running. So now I’m sitting in my shitty truck, waiting to see how this plays out, when it occurs to me that I probably now look REALLY creepy because I’m pulling over fast, kids are running, and I’m yelling at them. So I decide the best move is to sit outside the house for a second to think. I figure it’s best to go knock on the door and see if mom or dad are home. So I do. Push the ring door bell. I also make sure my face is on camera so I don’t seem like some creep. The thing is nobody answers. I shrug and go home. Which is literally 4 houses away and forget the whole thing.
Fast forward, 3 hours later, I’m cleaning up after dinner and my wife says “hey, there’s a cop car outside by your truck.” Oh no. Before I make it to the door, he knocks. Yep. You guessed it. Neighbor called to report an attempting luring of her children. Apparently they told her that “a man pulled up in an old truck and said that he has parrot and asked if we wanted to see it.” What I really said was “are your parents home?” Police officer and I had a good laugh. He went over and explained it. Neighbor feels better. Turns out I can have the logs too.
TL:DR: rolled up on some neighborhood boys to ask about their wood and got accused of trying to lure them with an exotic bird.
https://redd.it/kl2nts
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU teaching my niece a new word
I had offered to watch my two year old Niece for my sister and went into her kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I got opened the cup cupboard and one immediately jumped out at me and I tried to catch it it bounced a few times in my hand and eventually I missed a bounce and it landed on the floor, handle first and sending shards flying. In my frustration I may have yelled "Oh for fucksake" at the whole situation, not realising I had a small person audience that had toddled in to see what the fuss was about.
She is now launching her toys around the room and yelling "Fucksake" and laughing manically. Cant wait to explain this one to my sister when she gets home. Considering asking my sister "oh wow, where did she learn a word like that?!" and acting shocked.
TL;DR Accidentally dropped something and taught my Niece a new swear word. Yay.
https://redd.it/kl0luf
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by putting my mother in a VR headset.
Okay, for some context: I bought an Oculus Quest 2 on launch and I've loved it ever since. (Beside the Facebook privacy issues) I've been playing many games, including Job Simulator, Beat Saber and Rec Room. I wanted to share this experience with others.
Now for the story: I was at family dinner, with my two older brothers, their girlfriends and my parents. I took out my Quest 2, and everyone wanted to try it. We were all having fun and playing Beat Saber and Super Hot, etc. Everyone except my parents. My dad didn't want to try it at all, because he knew what would happen. My mom decided to try. She puts on the headset, and I launch Job Simulator for her.
So, she chooses the gourmet chef job, and tries to wash her hands in the virtual sink. Now, for those of you who don't know, Oculus headsets have this thing called a "Guardian Boundary". Basically, a room boundary set by the player to keep them from bumping into things. However, my mom completely ignores this and slams into the entertainment center, chest first. Thankfully, neither the headset or TV broke, but my mom had obtained a somewhat fractured rib. She was in pain for a couple days, and I was constantly apologetic. Moral of the story: Be aware of your surroundings in both the virtual and real world.
TL;DR: Mom plays VR, but accidentally disregards game boundary and falls into TV stand and fractures her rib.
https://redd.it/kkzyp5
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by sending my friend a top Reddit post
This just happened. I’m gonna cry. My neighbors and I have a mom Group Chat. Our kids are all the same age, and have play dates. We live in Iowa, and anytime I see an Iowa COVID related post, I share it with them. So, the fuck up happened when I shared a top Reddit post of the COVID bride who had her wedding anyways. And I think I said something like, “how fucking stupid.” Turns out, the bride is my neighbors cousin. Anyways, I’m just gonna hide in a hole for a while. Here’s a screenshot Obligatory: I will add that apparently everyone who attended had been pre exposed before the wedding, so they decided to come anyways. The original post has been deleted, my neighbor says her cousin is receiving death threats, and people are trying to get everyone who attended the wedding, to lose their job. I don’t have an opinion right now, I just am gonna be in this nice hole for a while. TL;DR: sent my friend a top Reddit post that shamed her cousins COVID wedding, and embarrassed tf out of myself. EDIT: she’s not mad at me, it was an honest mistake. But sharing with her that post and her reading the comments about her cousin made me feel like a grade A asshole.
https://redd.it/kkx5gr
@r_channels_tifu
Tifu by creating pepper spray and accidentally gassing out my house hold
I was gifted some hot sauce made from the reaper pepper, one of the hottest peppers in the world. I was frying up some eggs and thought it would be a good idea to put some of that on them. Well when I flipped the eggs the hot sauce sizzled on the pan creating a pepper spray that's worse then what they use in the field. I instantly inhaled the smoke that came from the pan, causing my eyes mouth and face to scream bloody murder. In the wake I gassed up my family, including my 1 year old, who's whole face turned beat red and she couldnt stop coughing. Mind you she was in a separate room when this happened. We all had to evacuate, are still coughing and tearing up, and I'm never cooking again. I've told my wife numerous times I have no idea what I'm doing as a cook.
Tldr, fryer some of the worlds hottest hot sauce in a pan, gassing up my household in a kind of pepper spray effect, making my family and me have to evacuate.
https://redd.it/kks14a
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by telling a guy he looked even better without his beanie
Obligatory this didn’t happen today and quite frankly I didn’t even think it was a FU until I read on Reddit that most guys don’t get compliments and tend to second guess them.
When my (then) boyfriend and I were in school, we frequented this boba shop nearby. We went so often that some of the employees started recognizing us and our orders. This gave me the false sense that we were starting to become somewhat friends with them. One day, as I was ordering my usual drink I noticed the guy was wearing a beanie. He’s this tall burly teddy bear looking guy with a somewhat shy demeanor. The beanie just did not look that great on him - it made his face look super huge but his head very small - and he’s usually a good looking guy! So I gave him a smile and said oh! I think you would look even better without a beanie - I figured I had phrased it as a compliment (even better meaning he looked good already) but also it lets him know that the beanie wasn’t working for him.
The comment visibly made an impact as he turned a little shade of red and said oh. That was it and I patted myself on the back for it. As we were leaving my boyfriend pulled me aside and expressed his disbelief at my bluntness. His exact words were that I had “destroyed” the guy and he will likely never wear a beanie again due to the fear that a random girl will feel the need to criticize it without being prompted! When I defended my comment (and the fact that we were kind of technically friends sort of), my boyfriend shook his head and said, guys don’t usually get these types of comments from girls, the chances are he heard that he didn’t look good in the beanie. He will go home and look upon his collection of beanies and just sad face forever.
I thought that was ridiculous! I had carefully phrased my statement, there’s no way. It turns out I was wrong. We continue to frequent that boba shop for another year and the guy never wore another beanie again. I tell myself maybe he is just taking my advice to heart but still, I can’t shake the feeling that I may have made a dent in this guy’s confidence whenever he finds a stray beanie in his house. Since then I always phrase my compliments positively to avoid a potential destruction.
TL;DR complimented a guy but may have ended up shaking his confidence forever
https://redd.it/kkpht8
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by making my boyfriend laugh during a romantic bath together
Obligatory this didn't happen today but last week.
I hadn't seen my boyfriend in a month because of quarantining. I stayed away until it was safe to come around again and thought "let's do something special". That special thing was a bath together in his giant tub. We get in, I throw some epsom salt in there, get a little bubbles going, and we both get into our respective comfy spots.
I'm trying to enjoy the quiet peaceful moment as I feel the stress melt slowly out of me and he's being a disturber of peace, goofing around. I'm slightly irritated by this after a long week, and just want a few minutes of quiet.
Then suddenly he says "oh no". The way he says it gets my attention and I ask what. He says it's nothing, but starts laughing. I tell him if he farts in this bath tub I will drown him. About 40% of our relationship is laughing at farts and similar humor, so this makes him laugh more. He's telling me not to make him laugh and I'm further arguing my point of imminent fucking doom if I see a single bubble.
I've abandoned peace at this point and given into his shenanigans, just going along with the humor of it but also disgusted. I had faith in this stupid man's sphincter and his ability as an adult to hold it. This was my fuck up. We're both laughing, I'm still a little annoyed at the ruined moment of peace, so I tell him to just get out of the tub and go fart in the next room.
I forget what I said, but as he was rising out of the water, I said something funny. Now picture a grown naked man trying to get out of a bathtub. I'm in the fetal position sitting down trying to give him space to maneuver, so I'm in ground zero, when suddenly I guess he laughed too hard. The first offence was like a startled duck, and the fact one slipped out only made him laugh harder, so it was a series of laugh-farts that sounded like ducks getting trampled on. This wasn't even a small, normal fart, this was a torrent of undiagnosed IBS, refusal to accept lactose intolerance, and poor life choices.
I was in shock at this point. I get out of the bathtub with haste, and we're both crying laughing. He's still in the tub holding onto the curtain absolutely losing it, and I'm trying to gather my things as fast as possible to run to the other end of the house like a freshly bathed cat. But bathed in fart. I was pissed but couldn't stop laughing and that's when I smelled it. You know how if you fart in the shower, the steam makes it smell worse? Yes. And I couldn't hold my breath because I was laughing so hard, so each time I inhaled I was attacked by steam-in-the-bag fart. I start gagging and I know I need to leave before I vomit so I run in just a towel across the house, hoping no one decided to come home early.
He apologized and we occasionally giggle about it, but other than that I have no idea how to end this story.
TLDR: Boyfriend and I took a bath together, I made him laugh too hard, and he pretty much farted on me while trying to get out of the tub.
https://redd.it/kkr8hi
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU by letting my robot vacuum work around my dogs while I was in the shower.
Well. I am traumatized.
A couple months ago I decided to purchase a robot vacuum from Amazon, and I was super happy with it. It’s by a brand called Kyvol and cost me about 170$. I used to think it was all hype, but I was actually blown away by how much cleaner my apartment felt. The robot vac has been a good little worker, and pays great attention to corners and under furniture. Wow, really adulting here! Great, right? Well, fuck me.
Today I arrive home feeling pretty burnt out from this holiday. I can’t relax unless my apartment feels clean, so I decided to tidy up first and turn on my vac before getting in the shower. My dogs have already been walked, and they are napping when I get in. The second I get out of the shower I can immediately smell dog shit. I think to myself “Dammit, Someone had an accident.” Fine, frustrated but not upset. I love my dog children and accidents happen.
I open the bathroom door, and to my absolute HORROR there is DOG SHIT SMEARED ALL OVER MY BEDROOM FLOOR. THE DOG SHIT TRAIL CONTINUES BACK OUT INTO MY LIVING ROOM. The smell is absolutely fucking horrible like this dog ate roadkill and rotten eggs, and my robot vacuum went right over it and dragged dog shit all across my entire apartment. Under the bed. Under the couch. The kitchen mats. My floor looks like a fking Jackson Pollock original. Oh my fucking god what the actual fuck.
I’ve been scrubbing this place down for over an hour, and spent another trying to clean the shit off of the robot vac. The wheels have twenty thousand ridges filled with shit, and each crevice, screw, and nook is filled with shit. Guess what guys if you didn’t already know, dog shit is really hard to clean. It’s like the devil’s glue that just sticks to everything and not even running water removes it. You have to SCRUB. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I still smell it, and I’ve cleaned every area possible. I’m so grossed out. I’m exhausted. My dog looks like he’s having the best nap of his life.
TL;DR: Decided to run my robot vacuum unattended. While I was in the shower, my dog shit on the floor and my robot vacuum dragged it everywhere in my home.
Happy Holidays! >.<
https://redd.it/kkormx
@r_channels_tifu
Tifu by exposing myself to gf's roommate
My adventure, in poem form:
There I strode upon the halls
The cum still dripping from my balls
Her robe about me, the ends won't meet
My dick is out, I reveal my heat
Brave I was for the need to piss
No thoughts would delay the jist
And just about I made the corner
The roommate reveals herself, no chance to warn her
"My apologies, this robe don't fit"
I mutter out, but my cock don't quit
With the greatest fear in her eyes
She cry's out "I'm just sorry for your size"
So here I wallow, pretending to shit
Unable to be seen because of it
Does it mean I was big and tall?
Or am I surprised I am so small?
TL;DR - Had sex for the first time at my girl's apartment. Put on girlfriend's bathrobe which doesn't fit to take a leak and met her roommate head on, dink out in the hallway to the bathroom.
https://redd.it/kkne3o
@r_channels_tifu
Tifu: by trying to have Xmas sex and then accusing my partner of cheating
So this was on Xmas eve night. I was super excited for Christmas for all the reasons. Family, presents, and a little down time with my partner without either of us working in the morning or being busy at all.
So I run to target and grab some stuff. Box of Trojans, nice smelling candle, desserty stuff etc. I’m flying through the store, looking at presents and I guess being a dingle bopper Schmidt because I choked but that’ll come later. I will say that she just got off the pill for health reasons and I’ve never really used or bought condoms before.
So that night I get the mood all set and I start going at it with the misses. Things are going well, and we move on to the main event. She grabs the box, rips it open and grabs a condom. A moment later my sword is sheathed and we’re together. Cue the tifu.
Her: do you feel that burning
Me: uhh... I don’t think so
Her: seriously, something is burning me down there
Me- kinda confused, horny, and absolutely not thinking of right- do you think you have an std?
Her- look of fury. I knew i asked the wrong question. - where the fuck would I have gotten an std. my vagina is on fire. Oh my god.
So she’s already rolling off and patting her vagina. I give it a rub and ask if that helps and she’s like I think so. We’re sitting there, she’s really uncomfortable. And then I start eating the shit. Why would you ask that? Do you think I would cheat? Have you ever cheated? Etc. I think she could tell by my face I just fucked up cause the wrath didn’t last long. Lots of apologies. Lots of kisses. We’re about to go back at it and she gets a look at the box. Trojan mixed bag. Some are regular. Some are ribbed. And some have burning sensation for her pleasure... and for the record whoever thought girls couldn’t throw or throwing like a girl is a bad thing never has seen a woman whip a box of condoms across a room.
Tl/dr I’m an idiot and I opened my big mouth on Xmas eve, but luckily I still have a girlfriend
https://redd.it/kkm5sj
@r_channels_tifu
TIFU; BY GETTING DRUNK BEFORE COMING OUT TO MY MUM
Okay so this long; a tldr will be provided. And I wasn't sure whether to write here, or in the comingout / entitledpeople subreddits - the ending will make it clear why I chose to write it here.
And some much needed background, I am a female 18. My sister in law, brother, mum, stepdad and other brother are involved in this story - since I was like 10 my family have long believed me to be gay / bi. EVERY GET TOGETHER without fail my sexuality is discussed, I myself only came to terms with my sexuality april this year and I chose may 15th 2021 to come out to my family.
Also we are from the UK, and households were allowed to mix, until tier 4 regulations came in - my brother and sister in law came down before the tier 4 rules came into place.
Okay onto the story:
It's Christmas day. It's been a stressful year for the whole world and a stressful few weeks for my family (hospital stays, I had covid, late parcels, money issues etc.) So like a lot of people we drink to celebrate the shit show that's been 2020, and christmas, and family and everything else.
I drank everything - I did shots of drink that isn't supposed to be done as shots, I drank beer, whiskey, malibu, vodka... you get the picture.
I was having a blast, everyone was happy, music was pumping, and we were having quite an open conversation on sexual activity within a relationship.
My sexuality came up, my love live (or lack there of) came up, and like always I kept my mouth SHUT; my brothers are like just tell us, I make the mistake of saying just wait till may 15th.
Mayhem, everyone starts guessing what the date means - from engagements, to pregnancy, coming out to bringing my current (also non exisrent) partner home. Insisting that I need to tell them now as I'm family etc.
I refuse to comment, but my mum was clearly getting increasingly worried; now she's had bad mental health this year and It was at this moment I realised I would have to tell her. So I request a 30 min break, to allow myself a chance to build myself up to it and retreat to my bedroom.
And cry. I cried so much you could have bathed in my tears, I was scared and nervous and pissed, and probably every emotion you could think of, In my head this wasn't happening till may 15th.
I recorded myself; crying and venting to my phone. And even sent copious amounts of voice notes to my friends. I was a mess basically, at this point adrenaline was running through my body. I felt sober.
I wasn't. I was nice drunk, the everything's good drunk. My brain just refused to register that.
Not long after my brother and sister in law came up to check on me and apologise for being so pushy and calm me down, I appreciated it but still - I was now in a situation where I had to come out. Yes I could have kept my mouth shut. But that's not the kind of person I am. My mum was clearly worried and I promised her that she would know by the end of the night.
So I did the only thing my brain could think of; dutch courage - except my dutch courage was a whole bottle of straight malibu in 10 minutes.
To cut the story short my coming out looked something like this: I cried in her lap and told her this was a big thing for me, so let me take my time - she played bingo the whole time, as I explained to her I think I'm bi and I know she doesn't care but it's still a big deal for me and I wasn't ready and basically just word vomited, whilst rocking back and forth and crying - she was still playing bingo but being supportive. - I then procceeded to fall of my bed, locked myself out of my bank account when she asked to borrow a fiver for her bingo, and somehow managed to go down stairs for an un-rememebered amount of time, talking about god knows what. Whilst also insisting she was NOT to tell anyone what was said.
Now this is where the fuck up comes into play; remember all that alcohol I drunk? Remember the extra litre of straight malibu I chugged? The adrenaline? The fear? The emotional mess I was? Well I was no longer fun drunk, I was in a state drunk,
