1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
https://redd.it/1sdv26f
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Guy is sitting on his porch drinking a beer
Watching as his wife mows the lawn. Nosy neighbor lady is walking by and scoffs at the man “oh my word this is unacceptable, you ought to be hung”. The man tells her “I am, why do you think she’s mowing the lawn “.
https://redd.it/1sdg17k
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Old woman tries to spice up her sex life and buys some crotchless panties.
She comes home, puts them on, and shows her husband.
Do you want some of this? She asks.
Hell No! He says. Look what that thing did to those panties!
https://redd.it/1s83ymf
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A string instrument walks into a bar.
The barkeep asks, "what are you?"
The instrument says, "I'm a harp."
The barkeep replies, "Aren't you a little small to be a harp?"
The instrument replies, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
https://redd.it/1s7vstm
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What do you call a Target store that's burned to the ground?
Kohl's
https://redd.it/1s7efd5
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What's the difference between Disney Plus and Pornhub?
Disney Plus wants you to HATE your stepmother.
https://redd.it/1s7gkgf
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A joke told by Clement Freud. on the old Johnny Carson show.
A campaigning politician was driving in the country, meeting his constituents. Passing a farmhouse, he struck and killed a rooster in the road. He told the farmer, " Sorry but I've run over your rooster." Reaching for his wallet. he added, "I'd very much like to replace him, of course." The farmer said, "Fine, you can start right away, the chickens are out back"
https://redd.it/1s72kup
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What’s the back side of a Sphinx called?
The sphinxter
https://redd.it/1s6n2qi
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I complained to my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore! The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest..."
"I don’t even know where that is!"
https://redd.it/1s6r630
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Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…
Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…
\- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
\- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
\- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
\- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
\- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
\- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
\- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
PS: Source - Unknown
PPS: Reposting after three years…what would we joke about differently?
https://redd.it/1s5ztn1
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Believer
Jesus walked into a bar, saw a Russian with a glass of water, and asked, "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replied, "No."
With a wave of his hand, Jesus changed it to a glass of wine.
“Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowned and shook his head.
The next day Jesus went into the bar, saw the same man, and said “My son, are you a believer yet?"
The Russian replied, "No."
Jesus waved his hands and behold! The glass again was changed to wine.
"Well my son, now you must surely believe,” said, Jesus, but the Russian just frowned and shook his head.
On the third day, Jesus entered the bar and went over to the Russian.
"My son, are you a believer yet?"
The Russian looked up and snarled, "If I say yes will you leave my vodka alone?"
https://redd.it/1rzovt3
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What spell did Harry Potter use to fight off Dementors at the Strait of Hormuz?
Expectno! Petroleum!!
https://redd.it/1ryv1j6
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A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"
"About three knots," says the hooker.
"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"
And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
https://redd.it/1ryypon
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Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago…
Death has only just built up the courage to tell him.
https://redd.it/1ryxhv0
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I rode my bicycle to buy alcohol
Bought a whiskey, was about to ride home but thought what if I fall off my bike and the bottle breaks. I decided then and there I'll drink it all up before I ride home. Good thing I did because I fell seven times off my bicycle
https://redd.it/1ryrtbo
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A man decided to change his name
A man decided to change his name from Herbert to Justin.
After a few weeks, his friend asked him what it was like making the change as an adult.
The man replied, "At first it was strange not using my old name, but I'm a Justin."
https://redd.it/1sdlczn
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
https://redd.it/1s8d4et
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"Daddy, when I grow up I wanna be a musician!"
"Son, you can't have it both ways."
https://redd.it/1s81kda
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Greg got snipped
Greg was adamant he didn’t want kids, so he finally booked a vasectomy and spent weeks mentally preparing for it.
Came home after the procedure… and the kids were still there.
https://redd.it/1s7lpuv
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Last night, I laid my head on my wife in bed. She said "Why are your ears so cold?"
I could feel a pun there but it just didn't appear. I was frozen. I told her as much.
It haunted me all night. In the morning on my hour drive to work, it was in my head. Same on the drive home.
Finally it came to me.
I got home, walked inside, and first thing I said to her was "ear conditioning."
"What?"
"That's why my ears were cold."
The look she gave me as she realized how much time I spent finding that one.
It's an art form, dads. Sometimes you have to work for it. Don't give up.
https://redd.it/1s7h5n1
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In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, “Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern.”
His wife replies, “My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst swear to forswear drink forevermore.”
"Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my love—I shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.”
“Very well,” she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.”
Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, “Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!”
But his friends leap up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa—easy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. He’s cool AF. We’ve been drinking with him this past hour. Sit with us and hear the dragon’s remarkable tales.”
“Oh,” says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. “Carry on, then.”
The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, “What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!”
“Well,” says Sir Reginald, “a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.”
HUZZAH!
Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes last–and being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkor’s back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern.
Valkor cries, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit” …and promptly flees the realm.
Sir Reginald’s wife arrives, wailing, “What in God’s name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!”
Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, “He fell off the dragon.”
https://redd.it/1s79xhm
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The worst paid employee
The IRS got suspicious that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his staff, so they sent an agent to investigate.
The agent climbed aboard the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board.
“Then there’s this mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does almost all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”
The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.”
The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”
https://redd.it/1s72f26
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
https://redd.it/1s6oyzb
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What do you call it when two Egyptian kings fart at the same time?
A toot in common.
https://redd.it/1s6jbpg
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My wife tried to teach me a lesson for coming home late…
A woman, upset that her husband came home late from golf again, decided to teach him a lesson.
She left a note on the dresser that read:
“I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you. Don’t try to find me.”
Then she hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
Soon, her husband came home. She heard him moving around, then he entered the bedroom, picked up the note, and read it.
After a moment, he scribbled something on the paper and made a phone call.
“She’s finally gone. Yep, it’s about time. I’m on my way now,” he said happily.
He grabbed his keys and left.
Furious, the woman crawled out from under the bed, grabbed the note, and read what he had written:
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
https://redd.it/1rzqkyl
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Walking through the cabin, a flight attendant noticed a man drenched in sweat, trembling, and biting his nails.
"Perhaps I could bring you a glass of whiskey? It might help you feel better", the flight attendant suggested. After an obvious internal struggle, the man whispered: "Alright."
Checking on the same passenger again, the flight attendant found him in an even more pitiful state. "A second glass?", she asked. The man said nothing, and just nodded his head.
When the flight attendant returned to the passenger for a third time, he was sobbing uncontrollably. "I’ve never seen anyone so afraid of flying", the flight attendant remarked, to which the passenger replied: "I’m not afraid of flying at all, I’m trying to quit drinking!"
https://redd.it/1ryzcuq
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Chuck Norris died in his sleep
If he had been awake when Death came for him, there would have been an obituary for Death this morning.
https://redd.it/1ryxreu
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Chuck Norris died and went to heaven.
Walked up to the pearly gates and saint Peter said, “Oh wow Mr Norris, the big guy wants to see you immediately.”
So he gets escorted into meet God and without missing a beat Chuck says, “before we get started, I just wanna let you know you’re sitting in my chair.”
Rip Chuck Norris
https://redd.it/1ryxna3
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning….
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
https://redd.it/1ryukym
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Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles...
"Peter, Peter!" Jesus cries.
Peter, down at the bottom of the Calvary hill, hears his lord's call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he's spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter's left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening "Peter, Peter."
Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter's other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lays, bleeding out, when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.
"Peter... Peter" Jesus beckons.
Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn't notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross a third soldier draws his sword and cuts off Peter's left leg and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.
Now just a whisper, Jesus calls "Peter..... Peter...."
Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his lord "my lord Jesus, Why dost thou beckon me?"
Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says "Peter, Peter... I can see your house from up here."
https://redd.it/1ryfbwu
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