1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges our dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely rare...
...dish order.
https://redd.it/1to370r
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Did you know that bad rainbows go to prism?
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
https://redd.it/1tnwmnm
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I asked my husband if I was the only one he’d ever been with…
He said “yeah, the others were at least 4s or 5s.”
https://redd.it/1tnn0lm
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A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.
He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for has shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.
Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.
One night an old lion walks into the clearing a looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.
A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, "Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?"
The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, WHAT?
https://redd.it/1tneqom
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I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
https://redd.it/1tn54io
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Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat
Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"
https://redd.it/1tmw86d
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Once upon a time there was a loud-mouthed hyena. He would walk around the savanna mocking all the other animals, even the King himself, the Lion.
One day the lion's wife asked, "Why do you let that stupid hyena taunt you like that? You are the king. Do something about him."
But the lion simply said, "It's not worth it. He isn't hurting anyone. He just has a big mouth."
However the Lioness felt like she needed to teach that hyena a lesson so she began to chase him. The chase went on for miles and eventually the hyena led her to a fallen, hollow tree trunk and went through it. The Lioness tried to follow but got stuck. The hyena then got behind her and started screwing her.
Once the hyena left she managed to back out of the trunk, and she slunk back home.
The lion took one look at his wife and said, "He took you to that hollow tree, didn't he?"
https://redd.it/1tmrk3e
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A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet. A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of this new diet I'm on!"
The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"
And the redneck says, "Yeah ... I guess I could do it that way..."
https://redd.it/1tmfqml
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The Bishop pays an unexpected visit to one of his young priests.
Over dinner, Father Stephen notices that the Bishop seems to be looking a little suspiciously at Miss Fotheringhay, the priest's lovely young housekeeper. So in a quiet aside, he says "Your Grace -- in case you were wondering, I am happy to assure you that Miss Fotheringhay is my housekeeper and nothing more, and our relationship is purely professional."
The Bishop says nothing, and after dinner, he is on his way. But a couple of weeks later, Miss Fotheringhay approaches Father Stephen and says, "you know, ever since the Bishop came to dinner, I haven't been able to find the silver gravy ladle. Is it possible that he took it with him by mistake?"
So Father Stephen writes a letter: "Your Grace -- I am not saying that you did take our silver gravy ladle, and I am not saying that you did not take our silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that we have not seen it since your visit."
And a few days later the Bishop replies: "Father Stephen -- I am not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if Miss Fotheringhay had been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver gravy ladle by now."
https://redd.it/1tm8hh2
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Oedipus is walking down a country lane when he sees Sisyphus pushing an enormous boulder up a hill. Oedipus says, "That looks heavy. And pointless."
And Sisyphus says, "Shut up, motherfucker."
https://redd.it/1tm2os3
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The Golden Telephone
A man was touring all the great cathedrals of Europe. He starts in Notre-Dame, and he is confused to see a golden telephone on a marble pillar. He asks the bishop what is for.
"Oui, monsieur. Zat ees a direct line to 'eaven. Pour one thousand Euros, you may speak weeth Dieu."
The man rolls his eyes and moves on.
Later on in Cologne, he sees the same thing. The Bishop gives him the same answer:
"Ja, mein Herr. Zis iss a direct line to Himmel. Fur ein tousand Euros, you may sprechen mit Gott."
Later on in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, he's shocked and disappointed to see the same thing. The Cardinal tells him, "Si, signore. Dat isa directa linea to Paradiso. For one thousand Euro, you cana talka to God."
Utterly disgusted by the profiteering, he finishes his tour at a tiny chapel in Scotland.
To his shock, he sees another golden telephone on a marble pillar. "Lemme guess, a thousand pounds to talk to god?"
"Nae, lad. 20 pence."
"What? Everywhere else in Europe it was a thousand euros?"
"Aye, but ye're in Scotland, noow, lad. It's a local call."
https://redd.it/1tlszmm
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The Indian with a great memory
There was once a man and a woman driving through the desert to Las Vegas on their honeymoon when they came across an Indian teepee with a sign out front that read:
“Indian with amazing memory inside! The husband says to his fiancée, “What the heck, let’s stop and check it out.” So they go inside, and the man asks the Indian, “What did you eat for breakfast three years ago?” Without missing a beat, the Indian replies, “Eggs.” The man looks at his fiancée and says, “Wow… that’s an incredible memory,” and they continue on their trip.
Ten years later, now married with kids, the family happens to be traveling through the same desert. They spot the very same teepee. Excited, the husband says to his kids, “Your mom and I stopped here ten years ago! Let’s go see if he remembers me.” So the whole family goes inside. Trying to be funny, the husband raises his hand and says, “How.”
The Indian looks at him calmly and replies: “scrambled”
https://redd.it/1tliqh1
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A man has to give a urine sample for a check up (Long)
The doctor says “come here on an empty stomach and we’ll give you a bottle to pee in.
On the day of the exam, the man forgets about not eating and has eggs for breakfast.
He goes to the hospital, pees in the bottle, gives it to the doctor. He’s looks at it and says “I told you to come here on an empty stomach and you eat eggs? Come back in a week time ON AN EMPTY STOMACH”
He’s surprised by his doctor’s ability but slightly taken aback by his tone.
Come next week he’s on his way to the hospital, on an empty stomach. He’s absolutely starving. Unfortunately, someone is selling delicious hot dogs just in front of the hospital door. He can’t resist, he buys one, wolfs it down, then goes to see the doctor.
Pees in the bottle, the doctor looks at the sample and edgily remarks “Was the hot dog nice? STOP WASTING MY TIME AND COME BACK NEXT WEEK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH”.
The man is mystified by the doctor’s strange gift but mostly angry at his terrible attitude.
So come next week, he decides to pull a trick. He asks his wife to pee in a bottle , then pops his car bonnet, grabs the oil dipstick and dips it in the bottle too. “I want to see what that jerk says to that”
Goes to the hospital, grabs the bottle then secretly pours his own blend in it.
Gives it to the doctor, who glances at it, then looks closer, then against the window.
He finally says “Hm. This is not a good sign. Your wife is two months pregnant by your brother Steve and your 1989 Accord’s second cylinder is about to fail”
https://redd.it/1tl9shh
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A Scotsman and his wife are walking past an expensive new restaurant.
"Mmm.., do you smell that food?" she asks, "it smells absolutely delicious.."
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thinks, 'Oh what the hell.., I will treat her'.
He takes her arm and they walk past it again.
https://redd.it/1tl6j6e
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A young boy is looking for his first job and stops by his local church...
The boy walks into the church and explains to the priest he needs a job. The priest tells the boy they don't have a lot of work to offer, but that they do need someone new to ring the church bells for them. The boy says "Father, you won't regret this, I'll be the best bell ringer you've ever had!" The priest agrees and brings the boy to the bell tower to show him the bells.
When they get to the top of the bell tower the priest explains to the boy that the rope used to ring the bell had broke and that the boy will need to find his own way to ring the bell. The boy, determined as ever, studies the bell and starts to think of ways he could ring it. Finally he exclaims "Aha, I've got it!" He takes a couple steps back, gets a running start, and jumps head first into the bell. Bonnnngggg, the bell rings. The priest, a little puzzled but satisfied, leaves the boy to do his job.
Months go by and every day the boy would repeat his routine. He'd climb to the top of the tower, take a couple steps back, and leap head first into the bell. Until one day, there was a storm rolling in and the wind was howling. The boy went up, took a couple steps back, and did his usual running start. Except this time right as he leapt head first the wind blew him off course and he missed the bell, falling all the way down to his death.
The police show up to investigate and ask the priest if he knows who the boy is. The priest tells the police "I don't know his name, but his face sure does ring a bell!"
https://redd.it/1tkuqks
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Bob went home early after a night shift as a security guard to find that the power was out
Wearily he went into his bedroom and undressed, ready to drop into bed.
As he was about to, his wife woke up and said, "Good, you are early! I have a splitting headache, could you please drive down to the pharmacy and bring me some aspirin?"
Groggy but patient, Bob dressed again and dutifully drove down to the neighborhood pharmacy. The night cashier was an acquaintance. He took one look at Bob's uniform and said, "Hey Bob, I thought you were a security guard
...when did you join the Police?".
https://redd.it/1tny6e9
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I found out that my wife is a ghost.
I had my suspicions when she walked through the door.
https://redd.it/1tnnygh
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A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says, "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."
https://redd.it/1tngw2t
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A tombstone
A pack of wolves chased and surrouded a dog and wanted to eat him. The dog asked not to kill him, in return promising to help herd the sheep, finding stuff etc.
The wolves thought about it and left the dog in the pack. For two years he helped them, taught them everything, showed them places, hunted with them.
A particularly bad winter arrived, the hunts didn't yield anything, the wolves were hungry and desperate. What to do? They decided to eat the dog after all. Ate him. The bones were buried.
They put up a tombstone. They thought about signing it, but from whom? "From friends"? What kind of friends would eat you... "From enemies"? But they lived and hunted together for 2 years and everything was fine...
They thought a bit more and wrote "From colleagues."
https://redd.it/1tn7p1a
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A highway patrol officer is sitting in his car, parked behind the weigh-station. A semi-truck slows down, pulls over, and stops just before the scales. The trucker gets out, and starts banging on the side of the trailer...
He goes up and down both sides of the trailer, just pounding on it all over and making a big racket. As he's making his way back to the cab, the officers suspicion is just too high to ignore it, so he gets out to confront the guy and get to the bottom of the weird behavior.
"Sir is there anything in your trailer I should know about?"
"No, officer! Everything's fine here. All good. Just weighing the load at this checkpoint before the bridge."
"Would you like to explain why you felt the need to get out and bang on the sides of your trailer?"
"Well uh, you see officer, I'm... I'm hauling 44 tons of exotic birds."
"Exotic birds, huh? Are these legal to transport?"
"Oh yeah, they're legal-eagle, man. Papers and everything."
"Well that doesn't explain why you were banging on the trailer. That looks suspicious to me. Would you like to explain before we open it up and have a look?"
After a long pause the trucker replies, "You see officer, that bridge is only rated for 32 tons of load. If I don't have em all up in the air and flying around when I weigh out, well..."
https://redd.it/1tmy9u3
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A Jewish man invites his father to his synagogue.
While his father is fully observant, he only speaks a few words of English.
On Friday evening, the rabbi gets up to the podium and begins to speak:
"We learn in the Torah that it is a grave sin to steal. As we see in this week's portion..."
As the rabbi speaks, the man's father turns to him and asks in Yiddish, "Vos zogt der rov?" (What is the rabbi saying?)
He quietly responds, "Der rov zogt men zol nit ganvenen." (The rabbi is saying not to steal).
"Ah, zogt gut." (Literally, "He says good.")
During service the next morning, the rabbi gets up again and delivers a sermon on the Commandment of "Thou shalt not kill."
Again, the old man turns to his son: "Vos zogt der rov?"
"Der rov zogt men zol nit hargenen."
"Ah, zogt gut."
Finally, on Saturday afternoon, the rabbi delivers a final sermon:
"God tells us that it is forbidden to commit adultery! One who takes the wife of his neighbor has committed a great sin."
To his left, the man hears the familiar phrase: "Vos zogt der rov?"
Unsure of the word for "adultery" and uncomfortable explaining the concept to his father, the man quickly tells him that the rabbi is explaining how it's forbidden to turn lights off on the Sabbath.
None the wiser, his father nods and says: "Ah, zogt gut."
Later that night, before he left, the old man went to thank the rabbi for his hospitality and his beautiful sermons.
Before he leaves, he tells the rabbi in Yiddish: "I enjoyed your last sermon very much, but I don't need to worry about that- for this issue, we've hired a maid."
____________
Also, just to preempt comments about "Trying to trick God" or "finding loopholes," I suggest that you actually learn how the laws of Sabbath work first.
https://redd.it/1tmf35n
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It’s funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's considered a stud, but when a girl sleeps with tons of guys...
I’m somehow never one of them.
https://redd.it/1tm8mjh
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First Paycheck
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."
https://redd.it/1tmcetr
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oc Did you hear about the prostitute that killed a Mexican drink vendor?
Yeah, the horchata man…
(I came up with this in the car earlier, it got both an eye roll and a groan from my teen)
https://redd.it/1tlrem7
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A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband her illicit affair is over. He'd already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her...
In a last ditch attempt to convince him, she cut her ex-lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought this would ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see.” she told him. “He was struck by a drunk driver.”
Her husband smiled and replied, “I wasn’t drunk.”
https://redd.it/1tlymkv
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A man did not like his wife’s cat.
One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.
When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.
Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”
https://redd.it/1tlizbm
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An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says, "Drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.
The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub."
https://redd.it/1tlgqc5
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All cheaters on the same cruise !
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
That's all folks !!!
https://redd.it/1tl9j5u
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Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.
Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king-size bed and $5,000 a month in living expenses.”
https://redd.it/1tkxsk9
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When I was a young man, my father always emphasized how important it was for me to wear a condom when having sex. He told me, "Look..."
“Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone.”
https://redd.it/1tkgg1n
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