1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Young couple's first date
The young college students on their first date drove to a country festival. As they were returning the guy stopped the car, turned to his date, and after making some subtle advances, suggested that they get naked and spend some time together in the back seat.
“OK,” said the girl, “but I have to let you know that I’m actually a prostitute, and this will cost you $150.”
He hesitated but reluctantly agreed, gave her the money, and they made love.
After they had finished and had put their clothes back on, the guy just sat motionless in the drivers’ seat.
“Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked.
“Well,” said the guy, “Not quite yet. I’m actually a cab driver and the fare to and from the festival is $150.”
https://redd.it/1jradk0
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After a night of drinking two men decided to stop at the local brothel on the way home...
After giving them a look over the madam pulls the girls aside and says "Put them each in a room with a blow up doll, they're that drunk they won't notice."
After they were done and walking back home one of the men turns to the other and says "I think mine was dead"
"Dead?" the second replied.
"Yeah, she was cold and didn't move or make a sound"
The second man then goes "Well I think mine was a witch"
"What? Why?" The first man replied
"Yeah a witch. When i bit her ass she farted in my face and flew out the window."
https://redd.it/1jr93o8
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How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
Your wife has to chew before she swallows
https://redd.it/1jqxo80
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'Yo Momma' jokes are old, have no class, and are done to death by just about everyone.
Just like yo momma.
https://redd.it/1jqueke
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I call it "Greeting the president" instead of "masturbating"
Either way, you're shaking hands with a dickhead.
https://redd.it/1jqoht6
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What’s the difference between living in USA and living in Russia?
Russia has less school shootings and more trade partners.
https://redd.it/1jq3k8o
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Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous blonde at the next table...
He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.
"Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast.
The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"
"No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."
https://redd.it/1jpohed
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A couple had been married for 30 years and in those 30 years they always had sex with the lights off
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
https://redd.it/1jpu9ly
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A man walks into a doctor’s office, looking embarrassed
"Doc, I think something’s wrong with my junk."
The doctor puts on his gloves. "Alright, drop your pants and let’s take a look."
The man drops his pants, and his junk is completely orange.
The doctor stares. "Whoa… what the hell have you been doing?!"
The man sighs. "Well… not much lately. Just sitting at home, watching porn, and eating Doritos."
https://redd.it/1jpmbfu
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I once knew a guy who decorated his scrotum with ribbons and glitter.
That's pretty nuts...
https://redd.it/1jpf2d8
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''Mom! Dad just hanged himself in the bathroom!''
The Mom, crying in panic is rushing to the bathroom and nobody was there..
''APRIL FOOLS he hanged himself in the garage!''
https://redd.it/1jpa8kp
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What’s the difference between marijuana and pussy?
If you smell weed across a room, it’s good weed.
https://redd.it/1jp4mt5
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A woman gets cheated by on by her husband
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult with him. After a few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.
"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. And now he left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers.
"Do you want another one?" "Sure, please".
The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
https://redd.it/1joq78q
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The doctor told the man that mastrubating before sex often helped him last longer in the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well," the cop answered, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
https://redd.it/1jopwsh
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I went on a job interview. The interviewer asked “What is your greatest weakness “
I replied “I am too honest”
The interviewer said “I don’t think honesty is a weakness “
I said “I don’t give a f\*ck what you think”.
https://redd.it/1jojf3x
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"Why do female stand-up comics do so many jokes about vaginas?
**Because it’s their tightest material.**
https://redd.it/1jr98cp
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I quit my job because my boss asked me to go to an auction for him.
Call it foolish pride, but I refuse to do anyone else's bidding.
https://redd.it/1jr2mka
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I was sexually active at 9
Now it's 9:44, and my wrist is killing me
https://redd.it/1jqzr48
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Dracula was at dinner when his date boldly asked, “So… what’s your body count?”
“Vhat do you mean?” he replied. “It’s the thing vith arms and legs that gets me everywhere I vant to go!”
https://redd.it/1jqmkg3
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I have been asking women about labiaplasty--have they had one, are they happy with the results--but no one really wants to talk about it.
They're all so tight-lipped about it.
https://redd.it/1jq9w8e
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What do you call a teacher who never farts in public?
A private tutor
https://redd.it/1jq1hmx
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When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
https://redd.it/1jq0yce
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My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.
I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
https://redd.it/1jptbvv
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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school
"The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken."
https://redd.it/1jpigk9
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles run into Mr. T walking with a woman. Michaelangelo asks "hey Mr. T who's the chick?"
Mr. T: It's April, fools!
https://redd.it/1jp1ocs
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Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…
Getting home and realizing they have forgotten one of your containers…Riceless
https://redd.it/1jp4k4w
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I was watching some porn the other day when suddenly my mom walked in!
I didn't even know she was an actress
https://redd.it/1joul41
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I recently had sex with a group of nuns.
It was a real cloister fuck.
https://redd.it/1jongx2
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A Man Plans To Cheat On His Wife…
So he takes this woman out for dinner, shows her a good night: a steak meal, sharing a dessert, lots of expensive wine.
And then after that he takes her to his car, and they park in a secluded spot and he’s just about to go and make love to her on the back seats… when suddenly, he bottles it, he realises he loves his wife too much and he couldn’t possibly ever bring himself to properly cheat on her.
But, not wanted to leave the woman he took out for dinner disappointed he phones his best friend and asks if he will come and help him out.
So his best friend comes over from his house, climbs into the back of the car and says to the woman ‘ hi there, unfortunately my friend had to leave but I’m here now and if you wish, I can still make love to you just as good as he would have’
At this moment, a police officer is walking past and gets suspicious of the scene so he walks over and shines his torch in the car and says to the pair ‘Excuse me, are you two alright in here? Is this man bothering you Miss?’
And the man, thinking on his feet says, ‘no no officer you’ve got the wrong idea… this woman is actually my wife’
And the officer says ‘ah I’m very sorry, I didn’t realise she was your wife’
And the man says ‘In all fairness, until you switched on your torch; neither did I!’
https://redd.it/1jofrup
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I’ve currently got two lawyers working for me at the minute… One of them is Pro-Bono
And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks
https://redd.it/1jog1nm
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