1679
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
She tells the doctor, "I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind ... but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart
https://redd.it/1xsrvu1
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My wife was standing naked.
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel terrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied,
"Well your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
https://redd.it/1xsm8i9
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Fight with my wife.
My wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started!
https://redd.it/1xs58a0
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Short joke
A little person with a speech impediment goes to visit a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?", asks the owner.
"A female horth", the little person replies.
So the owner shows him a lovely mare.
"Nithe horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the little person to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks him up to show him the horses teeth.
"Very nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?"
By now the owner is getting fed up but doesn't want to risk spoiling the sale.
Again, he picks him up to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth. Now. ..can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks the little person up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail, right into the lady parts.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The little person shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that..."
"Can I see her wun awound?"
https://redd.it/1xs7chk
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How the Watchmaker Makes Money
A customer is looking at a watch in a store.
"You're saying it costs you $20 to make this watch?"
"That's right."
"And you sell it for $20?"
"Exactly."
"Then how do you make any money?"
"On the repairs."
https://redd.it/1xs1kf1
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Forest toilet
One day all the animals in the forest decided to build a toilet, and pretty soon they had a little wooden cabin with a couple of high windows and a shelf for the pine-scented toilet paper, and for several weeks everything went well and everyone was really happy.
Then one day one of the windows was broken, and there was broken glass outside the cabin for some reason, and the toilet committee rounded up every animal they could find and said "does anyone know who did this?"
"I know," said the rabbit. "I'd just come in, and the bear had just got through taking a dump, and there was no pine-scented toilet paper on the shelf, so he grabbed me and wiped his ass with me, then threw me out through the window, which was closed at the time."
So the committee got the window repaired and arranged to keep the toilet paper topped up, and all was well for a few weeks more and everyone was really happy.
Then once again there was a broken window and another enquiry.
And the squirrel said, "I know what happened. I'd just come in, and the bear had just got through taking a dump, and there was no pine-scented toilet paper on the shelf, so he grabbed me and wiped his ass with me, then threw me out through the window, which was closed at the time."
So the committee got the window repaired and arranged to keep the toilet paper topped up, and all was well for a few weeks more and everyone was really happy.
Then a few weeks later the entire cabin was demolished as though dynamite had gone off inside, and the toilet committee rounded up every animal they could find and said "does anyone know who did this?"
"...I might know something," said the hedgehog.
https://redd.it/1xrmls3
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Business Casual
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Darn Machine Provides a Service Tailor Made for Men Away from Their Wives, $5.00.'
The salesman looked both ways, put five dollars in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
https://redd.it/1xrb8v3
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Ma and Pa
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!"
https://redd.it/1xr8521
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My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We're never playing Scrabble again.
https://redd.it/1xqotbr
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I was woken up by oral sex this one time.
I never fell asleep on the subway with my mouth open again.
https://redd.it/1xq4hmi
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You never really know people
I heard recently that a local barber was arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a barber.
https://redd.it/1xpuit8
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There are two men in the doctor's waiting room.
One has his arm bandaged up and the second is covered in food – potatoes in his hair, a lamb chop sticking out of his pocket, gravy running down his trousers and peas up his nose. The second man turns to the first and asks him what happened.
"Oh it's my own fault," he replies. "I was looking at this beautiful girl instead of watching where I was going. I tripped over a step and I think I might have broken my arm. What about you?"
"Oh it's nothing much, I'm just not eating properly."
https://redd.it/1xpn3qr
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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
https://redd.it/1xpfm6d
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A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army.
As they're waiting for their physical checkup, the rabbit whispers to the bear, "Hey, I don't wanna go off to fight in a war. Can you just give me a light kick before we go in so that I am limping when the doctor sees me?" The bear says, "Okay, if you'll do the same for me. I don't want to go fight a war either." The rabbit agrees.
The bear discreetly gives the rabbit a kick. It lands squarely in the shin. The rabbit doesn't even have to pretend when he hobbles in to see the doctor. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Nope, the army can't use you."
The rabbit leaves elated, and, true to his word, returns to the waiting room to kick the bear as hard as he can. Unfortunately, the rabbit is a rabbit and the bear is a bear. The bear doesn't even feel it. This is followed by the rabbit spending the next fifteen minutes punching and kicking the bear with everything he's got. But at the end of that, all he has managed to acomplish is to give the bear a nosebleed.
Finally the nurse comes in to take the bear. The bear, dejected, thanks the rabbit for doing what he could and follows the nurse inside. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Nope, the army can't use you."
The bear is elated but can't help asking, "Why? Is it because of this one little nosebleed?"
"No," says the doctor. "It's because the nurse saw you getting your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit."
https://redd.it/1xp91ac
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Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving
so that their cashier can spend time with her family
https://redd.it/1xp0xi0
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A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
https://redd.it/1xsrtdv
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George Johnson
Dorothy:
“That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna:
“Well, I’ll tell you what happened! He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car! A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. A marvelous dinner! Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we go back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me! Twice!”
Dorothy:
“Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”
Edna:
“No, no, no…
I’m just saying, ...wear an old dress!”
https://redd.it/1xs7plr
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There's a reason World War I ended exactly on the eleventh day of the eleventh month (11/11/1918)
They needed to make sure the Americans stopped fighting on the same date everyone else did.
https://redd.it/1xsbc86
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I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
https://redd.it/1xs3go3
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So I guess NVIDIA finally means something now...
National
Vulnerability
Infiltrated by
Deceptive
Intelligence
Assets
https://redd.it/1xrkp7v
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I just found out I'm colour blind
I had no idea; that diagnosis really came out of the purple.
https://redd.it/1xrgayf
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What’s made of flour and butter, and sounds like a wolf?
A roooouuux!
https://redd.it/1xrdy0t
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Yo mama so fat they did a story on how fat she was on the Channel 3 news.
I switched to Channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen.
https://redd.it/1xr78ol
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A wife came home to find her husband having coffee with another woman. Before she could scream he said, “Relax, she’s here to see you. Meet Carole.”
“She’s married to your boyfriend.”
https://redd.it/1xq7iah
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The Bathroom Scale
The wife of a Mathematics teacher buys her husband a bathroom Scale. He excitedly exclaims
that now he can tell how much his poop weighs.
The wife, a bit Puzzled, asks, how?
The Husband says, well if I take my weight before and after, I can take the difference, and it tells me the weight of my poop.
A few days later the Mathematics teacher's Brother, an engineer, is visiting.
They get to talking and the husband mentions his wife's gift and how he loves to use the scale to find the weight of his poop, and that he is welcome to try it out.
A few moments later the engineer use the bathroom to poop, but remembers his brothers offer.
A few more moments later the engineer shouts out of the bathroom:
>!This toilet paper is not cleaning the scale!!<
https://redd.it/1xpnb6u
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Belief
A famous American evangelist preacher comes to England.
During one of his sell-out presentations at a large packed hall he starts preaching the power of the Lord and says that God can cure anything. He asks, “Does anyone here have any affliction?”
A perfectly normal looking guy comes up to the stage. The preacher asks, “What is your affliction?”
“Ai a un pich pedimen.”
“Excuse me?” asks the preacher.
“Pich pedimen!”
“Oh, you have a speech impediment?”
The man nods his head.
“What’s your name?”
“Fuwed”
“Okay, Fred, do you believe in God?”
“Yeth!” says Fred.
Another guy comes up to the stage on crutches.
The preacher says “Well, I can see what’s wrong, you can’t walk - right?”
“Yes, I have been lame since birth.”
“Okay, what’s your name?”
“Charlie”, says the guy.
“Okay Charlie, do you believe in God?”
“Yes!” says the man.
“Okay guys, please go behind the screen and just have faith!”
The two men go behind a screen on the stage and the preacher starts addressing the audience in his loud southern American accent.
“The Lord is powerful! He can cure our ills! Believe in the almighty Lord! Have faith in God!”
He gradually whips the crowd into a frenzy and tells them all to hold hands.
“With the power of the Lord, we can cure these two people!”
He closes his eyes and shouts, “Charlie, throw away your crutches!”
Two crutches miraculously come flying over the screen.
“Fred, say something!”
“Charwye’s fawwen ofer!”
https://redd.it/1xpr1hu
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The blizzard
On a bitterly cold winter morning, a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through". So the wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” The wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Just then the electric went out.
The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to airheads exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
https://redd.it/1xpk5rb
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A man visits a zoo...
He witnesses there the literal fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy - a lion and a calf in a cage together!
Amazed, he calls over an attendant. "How long have you had a lion and a calf in a cage together?"
"Over a year already."
"How do you do it?"
"It's easy. Every morning we put in a new calf."
https://redd.it/1xpcvsb
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Little Johnny and His Grandpa
Well, little johnny and his grandpa are out fishin. As they're sittin there Grandpa starts reachin for the cooler and pulls out a beer, cracks it open and starts sippin on it.
Johnny sees the beer and shouts "Hey Grandpa can I have a sip?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and says "Well son, can your penis touch your asshole?"
Johnny upsettingly replied "No sir it can't"
Grandpa then answered "Well then son, there's your answer, you can't have any of this beer."
About a week later Johnny and Grandpa are sittin on the back porch chatting with one another. Grandpa reaches for his shirt pocket, grabs a carton of cigarettes and begins puffing on one.
Johnny sees the cigarette and shouts "Hey Grandpa, could I try some?"
Grandpa looks down and says "Well son, can your penis touch your asshole?"
Johnny, like before, sadly replied "No sir it can't."
Grandpa answered "That's your answer son, you can't try this cigarette."
Couple days go by, when Johnny is munching on a cookie and his Grandpa comes up and asks,
"Hey there little Johnny! Mighty delicious looking cookie you got there. Mind if your old Grandpa has a bite?"
Little Johnny looks at his Grandpa and says "Well Grandpa, can your penis touch your asshole?"
Grandpa gets a big grin on his face "Well, as a matter of fact son, it sure can."
Johnny replied "Good, go fuck yourself then."
https://redd.it/1xozvhr
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Ornery Bessie
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Well John, things might be looking up," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down!"
"Now John, if you can convince my wife that I was there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
https://redd.it/1xowatu
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