1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
She asked the boy: “Michael, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks.”
Michael answered: “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I’m smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too.”
In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal’s office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal.
He told the teacher that he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself.
Michael was then taken to the principal’s office for the test.
“What is four times four?” asked the principal.
“Sixteen,” answered Michael.
“What is eleven minus seven?” said the principal.
“Four,” replied Michael instantly.
And so it went on. Every third-grade standard question the principal asked, Michael answered.
Eventually the principal said to the teacher: “I think Michael can move up to third grade.”
“Let me ask him a few questions,” suggested the teacher.
“Very well,” agreed the principal.
“Okay, Michael,” began the teacher.
“What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”
“Legs,” answered Michael.
The teacher continued: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal raised his eyebrows.
“Pockets,” replied Michael.
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Michael: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Michael: “Bubblegum.”
The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow.
Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?”
Michael: “Shake hands.”
Teacher: “Now I am going to ask some ‘Who am I’ questions.”
Michael: “Okay.”
Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Michael: “Tent.”
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
The principal was growing increasingly nervous.
Michael: “Wedding ring.”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Michael: “Nose.”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Michael: “Arrow.”
Teacher: “And finally. What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and means a lot of excitement?”
Michael: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Michael in third grade. He’s obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself.”
https://redd.it/1k8haxm
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A man is watching porn on his PC in his home office when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos.
She hands him mail that arrived and as she leaves the office says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn, you already know how to play golf."
https://redd.it/1k8qbz2
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What happens when a blonde moves from Canada to the US?
The average IQ in both countries goes up.
https://redd.it/1k8ilm4
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I decided to kill off some characters in the book I'm writing.
Definitely gonna spice up my autobiography.
https://redd.it/1k8anlf
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A lawyer sold his well to an old man
Two days later, the lawyer came to the old man and said, "Sir, I sold you the well, but it's not with the water inside! If you want to use the water, you will have to pay extra."
The old man smiled and replied, "Yes, I was about to come to you. I was going to say that you should take your water from my well, or else you will have to start paying rent from tomorrow."
https://redd.it/1k83z18
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Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? Isn't it just urine?"
Them: "I meant any questions about the job"
https://redd.it/1k7tzhv
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There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*"
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
https://redd.it/1k7r1rj
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I met up with the lads the other day after a heavy night out
I told them how how I found this girl tied to a rail track. Being a gentleman, I untied her and took her back to my place.
They stared at me in awe as I recounted the evening. We had the best night and made passionate love over and again. In every room of the house.
One of my friends said: "Wow man. That's amazing. What did she look like?"
"I don't know." I said. "I never did find the head."
https://redd.it/1k7kcu6
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Superman was at the bar drowning his sorrows...
The bartender asked why he was so glum. He told him "I got caught cheating on Lois by sleeping with her sister Lucy."
The bartender responded with "Dude, you need to stay in your own Lane."
https://redd.it/1k77422
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Jay was a one-hit-wonder, he wrote 1 novel which was super successful, released 1 album which was equally successful, and painted 1 picture which sold for 10 million pounds.
However, after his successes, Jay's life fell apart and he later found himself struggling to support his 2 daughters and his son. It was then that Jay decided to turn his life around. He implemented structure in his life, and tried to impress the value of structure on his three kids. All three kids decided they were going to go out and sieze their futures.
Jay's first daughter found structure in her art studies, and followed in her father's footsteps to become a highly-regarded painter.
Jay's second daughter dedicated herself to music and, through structuring her time carefully, wrote several songs in the same style as Jay's album, becoming a highly successful singer songwriter.
However, his son struggled. He simply couldn't motivate himself to live a life full of structure. After many years, he decided he was going to ride his father's writing success and write a sequel to Jay's novel. Jay wished his son the best of luck, and promised he would check in on him regularly to see his progress.
6 months passed, and Jay visited his son's studio to see how he was getting on with the book. However, to his dismay, instead of a neat setup, Jay found papers spread over lots of tables all over the room. When he asked his son what was going on, his son told him,
"I can't find force myself to be structured all the time, so I devised this complicated table arrangement to make up for the ways that I struggle to be structured".
As Jay looked around, he started to understand - one table was for all of the tense scenes, one for all the romantic scenes, one for the bits that weren't quite finished yet, and so on.
"That's genius!" exclaimed Jay. "How did you come up with this?".
"Oh it was easy really, I thought of it when I came across this advice in a programming textbook"
"Jay's son is semi-structured, which necessitates a complex table structure when writing sequel."
https://redd.it/1k6qxmt
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet"
https://redd.it/1k6z1wj
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The Judge says to the defendant, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "*You dirty rat!*" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "*You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!* At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
https://redd.it/1k6qet2
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A man goes into a circus tent, finds the ringmaster, and asks to join the circus.
"What's your act?" asks the ringmaster.
"I do bird imitations," says the man.
"Forget about it!" says the ringmaster. "No-one comes to the circus to see bird imitations."
"Fair enough," says the man, and flies out of the tent.
https://redd.it/1k6lbps
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What three words do you never want to hear when you're making love?
Honey I'm home!
https://redd.it/1k6c117
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A guy walks into a brothel John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?
Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket
John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try
15 minutes later
John: That was amazing, I would never have thought of something like that in a million years. I'll definitely be back
Madame: Okay, I will tell her to keep an eye out for you
https://redd.it/1k63e2v
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Mary Poppins' lipstick
Did you know that Mary Poppins has stopped using lipstick before giving blowjobs?
That's because super colour fragile lipsticks makes the dicks atrocious.
https://redd.it/1k8pive
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If twelve is a dozen, and thirteen is a baker’s dozen, what do you call eleven?
A DoorDash dozen.
https://redd.it/1k8mxbt
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Superman is hovering over the skies of Metropolis...
He notices Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the rooftop of a luxurious hotel suite, so he thinks to himself; "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her and she won't even know what happened!"
He swoops down to where she is, does the deed, then flies away with a big smile.
Startled, Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
"I don't know but my ass hurts," replied The Invisible Man.
https://redd.it/1k8awjc
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I said to the doctor "I've got a problem with my ear"
He said "Are you sure?"
I said "Yes, I'm definite".
https://redd.it/1k7wfd7
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Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married, and has 12 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries shortly after, and has another 15 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
https://redd.it/1k7nr81
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What’s it’s called when wombats have anal sex
A square root.
https://redd.it/1k7vjn6
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My boss pulled me into his office and said, "Look, a few colleagues haven't been speaking very fondly of you recently."
"What are you talking about?" I replied. "I want names, please."
He said, "Ok..well one called you a 'petty bastard' and the other an 'aggressive dickhead'."
https://redd.it/1k7ml0n
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My son came to me the other day and said he was sad because he was fucking ugly
I told him to dump her and get a hotter one
https://redd.it/1k7g2ep
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What do do you call a woman who destroys her outstanding bills??
Bernadette
https://redd.it/1k79ds9
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Women always called me ugly until they learned how much money I have.
After that, they called me ugly and poor.
https://redd.it/1k768ds
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If Pac-Man owned a chocolate factory, what would he be called?
Willy Wonkawonkawonkawonka.
8 year old came up with it 😂🥰
https://redd.it/1k6qtko
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A poor girl is hanging out with two of her posh friends.
The first posh friend says: "My husband just bought me a yacht."
And the poor girl: "Oh, how wonderful!"
The second posh friend says: "My husband just got us a huge house on the coast of Tahiti."
And the poor girl: "Oh, how wonderful!"
One of the posh friends asks the poor girl: "And your husband, has he bought you anything?"
So she goes: "Yeah, he got me some diction lessons to improve my speech. So before I used to say 'axe' but now I say 'ask'; before I used to say 'exetera' but now I say 'etcetera'; before I used to say 'I don't give a flying fuck' but now I say 'Oh, how wonderful!'
https://redd.it/1k6oj71
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A mentally challenged guy had sex with multiple women and left without saying goodbye.
Talk of the town was that the nut screws and bolts.
https://redd.it/1k6dz44
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Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.
Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!
https://redd.it/1k66edp
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What does a battery and a butthole have in common?
You're not supposed to lick batteries, but you do it anyway!
https://redd.it/1k60dur
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