1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Three men are stuck in the gulag…
And asked "What did you do to get here?"
First guy answers, "I was late to work, so they said I was sabotaging the Revolution."
Second guy answers, "I arrived early to work, so they accused me of being a careerist, seeking favor over my equals."
Third guy says, "I came exactly on time to work, so they accused me of owning an American watch."
https://redd.it/1mae8if
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Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?
Because you don't turn your back on family
https://redd.it/1ma7kq5
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A muscular young man was boasting about his physique on the building site where he worked.
He claimed he could beat anyone on the site in a trial of strength and took particular delight in mocking one of the older workers. Eventually the older man became irritated by the taunts.
“Okay,” said the older man, “put your money where your mouth is. I’ll bet you a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re a weak old man!” said the cocky young upstart. “This will be like taking candy from a baby. But if you don’t mind losing a week’s wages, off you go.”
With that, the older man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said: “Okay, get in.”
https://redd.it/1m9xdiu
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My nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"
I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."
He laughed and said, "Which bit?"
I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
https://redd.it/1m9sb49
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An old couple had been married for 50 years.
Every single morning - like clockwork - the husband would let out a thunderous fart as he got out of bed, then laugh like a lunatic.
And every single morning, his wife would glare at him and say, “One of these days, you’re gonna blow your guts out.”
Fast-forward to Thanksgiving morning. He’s sleeping in while she’s prepping the turkey.
Suddenly, she gets an idea. With a handful of warm turkey guts, she tiptoes upstairs, peels back the waistband of his boxers, and loads him up.
An hour later, she hears the usual BANG! followed by cackling...
But then— silence.
Ten minutes pass. No sound.
Then she hears slow, shuffling footsteps. Down the stairs he comes - pale, sweaty, trembling like a leaf.
She casually asks, “Everything alright, dear?”
He stares at her, eyes wide, and whispers...
“Well, you were right... I DID blow my guts out... but praise the Lord - with these two fingers and a little determination - I got 'em all back in.”
https://redd.it/1m9lvsh
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Why did number 10 die?
Because it was the middle of 9/11.
In celebration of my 10th anniversary on Reddit
https://redd.it/1m9deap
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Jeffery Epstein is basically Jesus for pedophiles…
He died so they wouldn’t have to answer for their sins.
He’s the Molestiah
https://redd.it/1m98mx8
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A ninety-five-year-old man married a twenty-three-year-old girl
prompting fears for his health from the wedding guests.
They were afraid that the wedding night might prove fatal because he was a frail old man and she was a vivacious young woman.
But the next morning everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairwell of the hotel very slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. Eventually she managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and asked the bride: “What happened to you? You look as if you’ve gone ten rounds with Evander Holyfield?”
“It’s my husband!” she gasped. “Oh, my God! When he told me that he’d been saving up for seventy-five years, I thought he meant his money!”
https://redd.it/1m8zt6m
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I wrote a book about a teen who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
https://redd.it/1m8ough
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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
https://redd.it/1m8ks5b
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I have sex 24/7
Can't believe it's been a year!
https://redd.it/1m80ojn
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A scoutmaster was teaching his scouts about survival.
“What are the three most important things”, he asked, “that you should bring with you in case you get stranded alone in the desert?”
Hands were raised to suggest food, matches, distress flares and so on, but one boy said: “A compass, a canteen of water and a deck of playing cards.”
“Why those items?” asked the scoutmaster.
The boy replied: “The compass is to find direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.”
“Yes, I understand that,” said the scoutmaster, “but why would a deck of playing cards be of any use if you were stranded alone in the desert?”
“Well, you know how it is,” said the boy.
"As soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ‘Put that red six on top of the black seven.’”
https://redd.it/1m80vcq
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My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume.
She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?
She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen"
She replied "I'm going as a nun, you bastard"
https://redd.it/1m7d2vh
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There once was a woman with 100 children.
There once was a woman with 100 children. She was too tired to give each of them individual, unique names, so she decided to just name them "One", "Two", "Three", and so on until "Hundred".
Years pass and all the children have grown up. Some have marriages, but none have children except for Ninety.
One day, while Ninety's children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog. They wanted to keep it, but they knew Ninety would be against it so they hid it. One of the children had the idea to name it "This" so that they would be able to talk about it around their mom without her knowing. They would say "Let's go take This outside" and other similar things, and sure enough, Ninety never knows about This. In fact, no one ever knows about it other than the children.
Unfortunately, one day, This dies in an accident while the children weren't paying attention. Once the kids find out, they silently agree to never talk about it, and keep it to their deathbeds. Sure enough, no one else hears about This ever again.
Only Ninety's kids remember This.
https://redd.it/1m7qnwh
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3 boys find a $20 bill on the ground..
They’re excitedly deciding how to spend it.
The first boy says “we should buy a couple of comic books!” but his friends say once they’ve read them, there’s no sense in keeping them so it would be a waste.
The second boy says “let’s buy a bunch of candy!” but his friends say that’s too much in 1 go and they’ll have upset stomachs.
The third one says “let’s buy a tampon! According to the commercials with it you can go camping, horse back riding, biking…”
https://redd.it/1m7eqgw
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Elderly couple wants a divorce
A 95 year old man and a 94 year old woman are in front of the divorce court judge. The judge asks how long they’ve been married.
The man says 75 years. The judge says “Just so I understand the facts, you’re 95, she’s 94, you’ve been married for 75 years, and you want a divorce NOW? At this time of your life?”
The wife pipes up “We’ve wanted a divorce for decades, but we had to wait for the children to die”
https://redd.it/1ma81ls
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A woman survived a bullet wound..
A woman was once shot while she was pregnant with triplets. Miraculously, she and the babies survived. When she gave birth, doctors found fragments of the bullet in each of the babies, but otherwise, they were all healthy.
Years went by, and one day, her eldest daughter came downstairs looking concerned.
“Mum,” she said, “something strange happened. When I went to pee, a bullet came out.”
The mother smiled gently and explained the whole story of the shooting and how pieces of the bullet had been lodged in them since birth. The daughter was relieved.
A few weeks later, her second daughter came downstairs, worried.
“Mum, you won’t believe this. I just peed out a bullet.”
Again, the mother calmly sat her down and told her the same story. All was fine.
Then, a few weeks later, her son came downstairs. He looked pale, shaken.
The mother sighed, “Let me guess… you peed and a bullet came out?”
The boy shook his head sideways and said, “No, Mum… I was having a wank, and I shot the dog.”
https://redd.it/1m9ymtz
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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Curious, he walks in and asks the owner, “So, what can your dog do?”
The owner points to the dog and says, “Go ahead, tell him.”
The dog looks up and says,
**“Well, I’ve led a very full life. I’ve worked with the police to stop crimes, served in the military, and even rescued people during natural disasters. After retiring, I wrote a book about my life, and now I just relax and do motivational speaking at schools.”**
The man is amazed. “This dog is incredible! How much do you want for him?”
The owner says, “10 bucks.”
The man shouts, “10 BUCKS? Why so cheap?”
The owner replies,
**“Because he’s a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”**
https://redd.it/1m9rwh7
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The Lego store is having a huge sale!
People are lining up for blocks!
https://redd.it/1m9g68e
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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles.
Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink.
After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”
“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.
The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog
The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.
Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you $10,000 for that frog!”
The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”
“$25,000!”
“Nope.”
“$50,000! Cash!”
“Deal.”
The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”
The man smirks and says, “Relax. The frog can’t sing... the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
https://redd.it/1m9kul8
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A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.
A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"
"Yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"
Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down, as if pouring from an enormous faucet.
"Goodness!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in buckets now!"
On cue, there is a tremendous clattering sound as plastic buckets full of water start cascading down from the sky, tipping their contents everywhere!
"Wow!" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!"
All at once the buckets stop falling, as cats and dogs begin pelting the ground from above!
"This is the devil's work!" cries the priest. "Quickly! Pray to the Lord to make this stop!!"
Panicked, the girl falls to her knees and begins to pray.
"Hail Mary, full of AAAAAAUUGGHH!!"
https://redd.it/1m9ccy5
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father Johnny says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
https://redd.it/1m9157k
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A man checked into a hotel
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising he sent the mail to a widow who had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I've just checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but I am lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow.
Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you.
https://redd.it/1m8pop6
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An Amish girl riding a horse and buggy gets pulled over by a cop
"Excuse me ma'am I notice you have a broken reflector on your buggy," the cop says.
"Oh sorry," she says "I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home to fix it."
The cop continues "there's one other thing you need to get your husband to address. I see that one of your reigns loops across your horse's back and attaches to one of his testicles. That's animal abuse so have your husband take care of that right away!"
"Ok" she replies.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband she got pulled over by a cop.
"What did he say?" the husband asks.
"He said the reflector is broken," she answers.
"No problem I'll fix that now." he replies. "Did he say anything else?"
She replies "yes but I really didn't understand. It had something to do with the emergency brake."
https://redd.it/1m8o51i
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My first job was as a mannequin in a clothing store window. I was very good at it.
I held that position for a long time.
https://redd.it/1m89hts
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A conspiracy theorist dies a nd goes to heaven
At the gates, he is greeted by God himself, who says "before you enter, you can ask sny question you'd like and I'll tell-" the guy interrupts and asks "was 9/11 premeditated by the US government?" God answers: "9/11 was carried out by Muslim fundamentalists, by 3 planes, there were no missiles or bombs involved, and George Bush had no prior knowledge of it before the attack was carried out." The conspiracy theorist scratches his chin and thinks "wow, this goes up higher than I thought!"
https://redd.it/1m869sx
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A mother was anxiously awaiting her twenty-year-old daughter’s return home from a year of overseas travel.
As the passengers came through the door into the airport arrivals lounge, the mother noticed that right behind her daughter was a man dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body, and carrying a shrunken head. Seeing her mother, the daughter ran up to her, flung her arms around her and then introduced the strange-looking man as her new husband.
The mother threw up her hands in horror.
“You never listen to me, darling!” she screamed. “You never listen! I said for you to marry a RICH doctor. A RICH doctor!”
https://redd.it/1m7xs0b
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I told a joke this morning in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed.
Seems I'm not remotely funny.
https://redd.it/1m7qd16
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I sat next to this South African woman on a plane and we really hit it off. We spent the whole flight chatting in her native Xhosa language.
We just clicked.
https://redd.it/1m7lktx
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At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, "Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!"
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.
https://redd.it/1m7dcp7
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