1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
When the Pope was visiting America, he told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor”.
Then the chief asked: “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor”.
The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President”.
This made the chief very angry and he shouted: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly replied: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.
https://redd.it/1umv4wg
@r_jokes
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Scotsman get caught drinking in Saudi Arabia
They are dragged before the sultan who tells them that alcohol is prohibited.
The Welshman steps up.
“Where are you from?”
“I’m from Cardiff.”
“Did you drink alcohol in our country?”
“Yes.”
“Fifty lashings.”
The Welshman is taken away.
Next, the Englishman steps up.
“Where are you from?”
“Manchester”
“Did you drink alcohol in our country?”
“The Welshman made me do it!”
“Fifty lashings.”
The Englishman is taken away.
Finally, the Scotsman steps up.
“Where are you from?”
“Dundee.”
“My daughter is studying there. I will not give you lashings, instead you may ask for one wish from me and I will try to make it happen.”
“I want one hundred lashings.”
“Such humility. You are a true Scotsman.”
“Aye, but I want you to tie the Englishman to my back.”
https://redd.it/1umi04r
@r_jokes
Things we did:
* Built this city
* Shot the sheriff
**Things we didn't do:**
* Start the fire
* Shoot the deputy
**Things we want to do:**
* Break free
* Know what love is
**Things we will do:**
* Rock you
* Anything for love
**Things we won't do:**
* That
https://redd.it/1ume8kd
@r_jokes
So a guy is getting drug tested for a new job...
The technician points out the positive opioid result and asks the guy if he is on any prescription medications.
"No," he says, "but I eat a bagel with poppy seeds on it every morning."
"Okay," says the technician, "but how does that explain the methamphetamine and benzodiazepine?"
"It's an everything bagel."
https://redd.it/1um6j3g
@r_jokes
A woman calls a veterinarian
A woman calls a veterinarian late one night.
Woman: "Doctor, my female dog is being sexually abused by a stray dog, and I can't get them apart."
Veterinarian: "Alright, roll up a newspaper and give them a couple of light swats. That should do it."
Thirty minutes later, she calls back.
Woman: "Doctor, the newspaper didn't work. What now?"
Veterinarian: "Okay, get a bucket of cold water and pour it over them. That should separate them."
Another thirty minutes pass, and she calls again.
Woman: "Doctor, the water didn't work either. What now?"
The vet pauses for a moment and says:
Veterinarian: "Alright. Walk up to the stray dog and tell him he has a phone call."
Woman: "How is that supposed to work?"
Veterinarian: "Well... it worked on me three times already."
https://redd.it/1ulw966
@r_jokes
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé
https://redd.it/1ulruog
@r_jokes
Norm McDonald's Professor of Logic joke
A guy meets his new neighbor and asks what he does for a living.
The neighbor says, "I'm a professor of logic at the university."
The guy says, "Logic? What the hell is that?"
The professor says, "It's hard to explain, so I'll give you an example. Do you own a doghouse?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well, then you probably have a dog."
"Yeah."
"And if you have a dog, you're probably married with kids."
"Yeah."
"So then you're a heterosexual man."
"Yeah, I am."
"You see? That's logic. From the simple fact that you own a doghouse, I was able to determine that you're a heterosexual man."
Later, the guy runs into a friend and tells him, "I met my new neighbor today. He's a professor of logic!"
His friend says, "What's logic?"
The guy says, "I'll show you. Do you own a doghouse?"
"No."
"Oh, so you are one of them gays!"
https://redd.it/1ulgv17
@r_jokes
Yoda was thrilled when I asked him to fill out a general knowledge quiz I had made for him…
Little, did he know.
https://redd.it/1ul8v2y
@r_jokes
A couple in their 60s are getting ready for bed.The wife says, “Remember when
A couple in their 60s are getting ready for bed.The wife says, “Remember when you used to hold my hand?”
The husband reaches over and holds her hand.She says, “Remember when you used to kiss me?”
He gives her a gentle kiss.She says, “Remember when you used to nibble my ear?”
The husband gets out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
He replies, “To get my teeth!”
https://redd.it/1ukxnmr
@r_jokes
A Rottweiler, Great Dane, and Chihuahua are hanging out at a dog park...
They're chatting, hanging out, sniffing each other's butts. Generally having a good time. When they catch a whiff and turn to see this sexy poodle dog strutting by. They can't help themselves and start howling, yipping, and yapping at her.
So she stops, turns, and approaches them.
While batting her eyes she says, "hello boys...since you all three like what you see, I'll make a deal with you. Whichever one of you can use the words "liver and cheese" in a sentence the best...I'll go home with."
So the Rottweiler goes first. "Hey baby, you're so good looking. I tell you what, why don't we go take a stroll on the beach and finish the night off with some liver and cheese."
"Oooh. That's sounds nice. How about you?" And she looks at the Great Dane.
"Finish the night off with it? No. Let's have a liver and cheese picnic, and just before we're full I'll eat the liver and cheese right off your stomach!"
The poodle shivers, "oh wow! That's so tempting!"
Then she looks at the chihuahua.
Well, he's intimidated. He's just a little guy and the other two are so big, strong...and they already had some good lines.
So he thinks about it and then it comes to him. "Hey guys!" And the other two turn to him and he says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"
https://redd.it/1ukwq0x
@r_jokes
Why is it so hard to get up in the morning?
It’s science. Newton’s First Law: A body at rest will remain at rest.
https://redd.it/1ukmeeh
@r_jokes
If my dad makes me join him on one more boring road trip to an ancient burial site,
he’ll drive me to an early grave.
https://redd.it/1ukc06y
@r_jokes
Opening a store that has chicken tenders and hand jobs.
It's called Nug and Tug.
https://redd.it/1uk5m03
@r_jokes
Me in my 2019 Elantra.
I ran out of gas and had to pull over.
This guy in a Ferrari stops by and says,
“Kid, this stretch is sketchy. I’ll tow you to the next town. If I start going too fast, just flash your headlights.”
So we take off…
The Ferrari guy floors it—like 230 mph.
A state trooper sees him fly by and radios the officer up ahead:
“Forget the Ferrari doing 230… there’s a Hyundai Elantra glued to his bumper, flashing him to get out of the left lane!”
https://redd.it/1ujvuqi
@r_jokes
I was at the museum, and I suddenly saw my ex on the other side of the exhibition hall. I didn't go and say hello though.
There was too much history between us.
https://redd.it/1ujmxlv
@r_jokes
Two friends, Jom and Terry, are on a road trip to Portland, Oregon, when their car breaks down.
Along the way, on a long dusty stretch of nowhere in the midwest, the radiator gives out. It's an old beater anyway, and probably had only a couple years of life left.
Jom decides that they have to push the car to their destination. But Terry says that's a crazy idea, and they should just walk there instead. One thing leads to another, and soon enough they're in a full blown shouting match. Jom stands on one side of the road, Terry on the other. A tumbleweed tumbles weeds between them.
Jom then does the unthinkable. He calls Terry's mother, a woman who he's known since he was 9 years old, a crusty old harlot and not a good one either! In a fit of rage, Terry hits him with a cast iron frying pan. It kills him instantly.
A few days later, at Jom's funeral, his headstone reads:
RIP Jom, 1994-2026
He died of dissing Terry on the Oregon Trail.
https://redd.it/1umiypl
@r_jokes
AI bartender
It's Christmas 2024 and a university professor walks into a bar, but instead of the usual bartender, he finds a robot powered by AI behind the counter.
Curious, the professor walks over. The robot immediately gives him an intelligence test. He scores exceptionally high, so the machine automatically pours him a 16-year-old single malt whisky and strikes up a conversation about philosophy, metaphysics, and the fundamental nature of the universe.
The next day, the professor returns. Intrigued by the novelty, he decides to game the system and deliberately scores somewhere around average. The robot serves him a beer and starts chatting about sports and cars.
The following evening, he comes back once more and does everything he can to get the worst score possible. The robot analyzes the results, hands him a can of Natty Light, and says:
"So... we're voting for him again this time?"
https://redd.it/1umf2uh
@r_jokes
I've just invented a new game called Silent Tennis.
It’s like normal tennis but without the racquet.
https://redd.it/1umbzlj
@r_jokes
Longish cat joke
A man walks into a pet shop and sees the most beautiful cat he’s ever laid eyes on.
“How much is that cat?” he asks.
The owner replies, “Oh, that’s no ordinary cat. That’s a talking cat. £500.”
The man laughs. “A talking cat? Go on then.”
The owner opens the cage. The cat stretches, yawns, and says, “Hello.”
The man’s jaw drops.
The cat continues, “I was born on a farm, but I discovered I could talk. Word got around, and I was recruited by the government. I spent years travelling the world, spying on dangerous criminals. Nobody suspects a cat. I’ve sat in embassies, palaces, even criminal hideouts. I helped stop wars, exposed corruption, and saved countless lives. Eventually I retired and now spend my days relaxing here.”
The man turns to the owner. “That’s incredible! Why on earth are you selling him for only £500?”
The owner sighs.
“Because he’s a complete liar… he’s never left this shop.”
https://redd.it/1ulus22
@r_jokes
A truck driver drives his truck, when suddenly...
A truck driver drives his truck, when suddenly a little green man jumps out of a bush and stops him. The driver stops and lowers his window.
The little green man says, "I'm a green goblin, I'm a c*nt and an a**hole, and I want you to give me something to drink."
The driver had a bottle of juice, so he gives it to the little green man and goes on. After some time, a little red man jumps out of a bush and stops him. The driver stops and lowers his window.
The little red man says, "I'm a red goblin, I'm a c*nt and an a**hole, and I want you to give me something to eat."
The driver had some leftover sandwich, so he gives it to the little red man and goes on. After some more time, a little blue man jumps out of a bush and stops him. The driver stops and lowers his window, now visibly frustrated, and says, "Okay, I get it, you're a blue goblin, you're a c*nt and an a**hole, so what the hell do you want?"
"Your license and registration"
https://redd.it/1ultxg0
@r_jokes
What do "Green Eggs and Ham" and "Fifty Shades of Gray" have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
https://redd.it/1uljunb
@r_jokes
Only after your grave is completely dry!
A lady was very sick in her bed and asked her husband
"Honey, how long will you take to marry another lady in case I die?" Then the husband said "Honestly, my love, I can only bring another lady after your grave is completely dry" After few days, the lady died and the husband kept on visiting her graveyard on daily basis, This took 5 years and the grave looked wet always.
One evening as he visited the graveyard, he met his brother in-law at the grave with an empty bucket and asked "Hey Fatai! what are you doing here?" Then his brother in-law was like
"I am here to fulfill my only sister's wish, she said I should be coming here daily to wet her grave!"
https://redd.it/1ulflbd
@r_jokes
I went to the zoo…
I went to the zoo and watched the monkeys wanking…
Saw the lions… still wanking..
Was asked to leave
https://redd.it/1ul57ug
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree. The other looks up your family bush.
https://redd.it/1ukzlyi
@r_jokes
As he watched his mother trying on a new fur coat, Little Johnny remarked: "Mom, do you realize that this coat is the result of the terrible suffering of a poor, unfortunate animal?"
The mother looked sternly at Little Johnny and replied: "How can you speak that way about your own father?!"
https://redd.it/1ukpsgj
@r_jokes
2500 years ago a prostitute from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival in Greece.
In those days believe it or not, the athletes, who were all male, performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drinks containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this great event, Gedophamee observed the wave of naked male athletes marching past her and she exclaimed: "All Limp pricks!!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression gradually morphed into the word "Olympics".
Just thought I’d share this profound knowledge with you.
https://redd.it/1ukhnpf
@r_jokes
The T800 finally retires…
He calls up his old friend Sarah Conner and asks her to have lunch. While dining, she asks, “so you’re not into killing people anymore?”
He responds, “negative, I kill bugs now.”
“How’s that?” She questions.
“I am an ex-terminator.”
https://redd.it/1uk8i85
@r_jokes
How do you tell a scientist from a machinist?
Ask them to pronounce 'micrometer'.
https://redd.it/1uk04wt
@r_jokes
Messi’s son
Why did Messi refuse to let his son be baptized in Spanish?
>!He didn’t want him to be Cristiano.!<
It actually works better in Spanish:
Por que Messi no quiere bautizar a su hijo?
>!Porque no quiere que sea Cristiano.!<
https://redd.it/1ujttkc
@r_jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
Chicken: To prove to the possum that it can be done.
Friedrich Nietzsche: If you gaze long enough across the road, the road gazes back.
Ernest Hemingway: To die, slowly, in the rain.
Neo: There is no chicken.
https://redd.it/1ujlpv6
@r_jokes