1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Pet Fish!
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Galveston beach when a game warden stopped him.
The warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!"
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the beach, let them swim around for about a half-hour, and when I whistle, they jump back into my buckets. We do this every night."
"That’s the biggest load of hooey I’ve ever heard," said the warden.
"No, really," the man said. "Here, I’ll show you."
And he releases the fish into the ocean.
They wait. Minutes go by.
The warden says, "Well?"
The man replies, "Well what?"
"When are you going to call them back?"
The man says, "Call who back?"
The warden snaps, "The fish!"
And the man shrugs and says, "What fish?"
https://redd.it/1lqs0bx
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A cop pulls over a vehicle on the freeway. There are three little old ladies in the car.
“Why were you driving only 20 miles per hour?” he asks the driver.
“I was just going the posted speed limit!” She points to a sign up ahead.
The officer corrects her. “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway—Route 20!”
“We tried to tell you, Sheila!” says one of the passengers.
The cop takes another look at the old women and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle, white-knuckled.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
“We just came off of Interstate 120.”
https://redd.it/1lq1568
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My son was just born, and another dad at the nursery, congratulated me, and said his daughter was born yesterday said maybe they’ll marry each other someday.
Sure, only if my son is into marrying someone twice his age…yeah right!
https://redd.it/1lqdmsb
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Man goes to Tesla showroom to buy a car
After the detailed introduction of the salesman and a test drive, he’s quite interested in a Model Y, but still undecided. Seeing this, the salesman tries further to persuade him: “Sir. We also offer 4 years warranty for your car. It would be excellent because you will be totally free from worries”.
Guy: “But what’s the guarantee that you’ll cover it for 4 years?”
Salesman: “We would write it in the contract sir. Don’t worry”.
Guy: “What if in the 4 years your showroom is closed? Who’s gonna help me?”
Salesman: “Sir. The warranty is not offered by our showroom, but Tesla company. If this showroom is closed, you can contact the customer service of Tesla, and they will help you out”.
Guy: “Ok but what if Tesla is bankrupted by then”.
Salesman: “Sir. You know our company is owned by the literally richest man on earth. So it’s unlikely to happen. But even if it does, his tremendous wealth will somehow get you covered”.
Guy: “But what if he’s also bankrupted or went to jail by then?”
The salesman drags the guy to the corner of the room and whispers to his ear “Bro if we are lucky enough to see that happen, you’ll still care about your damn car?”
https://redd.it/1lq7von
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Politician dies and gets to chose between Heaven and Hell (it's not that one)
Politician dies and is given the choice between going to Heaven or Hell, but first he is given a tour of both places.
The tour of Heaven goes as expected, it's all vibrant, sunny, peaceful with charming harp music playing. There are people dressed in white robes walking around, everyone appears happy and peacefully. But honestly seems a little boring.
Then the politician gets a tour of Hell and it's not at all what he expected.
In hell he is shown all of his favorite things: beautiful golf courses, free everything, infinite booze, all his old friends, parting, drugs, prostitutes. The politician can't believe it, it's like all of his epic night outs combined and stretched out to infinity.
When it's time to make his choice, rather surprisingly the politician chooses Heaven.
The devil, completely shocked by this choice asks him "Well why did you chose Heaven after I showed you how incredibly Hell would be for you"
The politician then replies "I know false promises in a campaign when I see them"
https://redd.it/1lpzefc
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The cost of doing business.
One warm day, a stockbroker was on his way to a meeting when he saw a young girl selling lemonade by the side of the road. He pulled over and got out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit.
"Hey mister, you want some lemonade?” she called to him.
He was about to walk past her when he stopped and did a double take at the sign that said “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong miss. I think you mean fifty cents,” he informed her.
The little girl shook her head, “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker paused for a minute, because, in his line of work, he appreciated a good hustle but he truly believed this young entrepreneur was going about it the wrong way.
“Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The girl beamed and said, “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker sighed and shook his head.
“Okay I’ll pass. You can’t make a profit when no one is willing to pay your asking price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!” she replied.
The stockbroker winced in frustration.
“I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.”
He opened his wallet and took out a dollar.
“I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about mark-up.”
The little girl shook her head and smiled, “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“OK,” she said, taking the dollar and putting two brownies on a plate. Just to make the point, the stockbroker decided to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he began coughing and gagging uncontrollably.
“Oh my God… what did you put in these?”
Grinning happily she told him, “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!” said the stockbroker in disgust.
The girl produced a jar full of $50 bills, cocked her head to the side and said through a beaming grin, “You want some lemonade?”
https://redd.it/1lpp1xh
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My Old Calculator
I had an old calculator. My dad’s dad got through high school with it, my father used it in college, I used it as a freshman in college. The thing was ancient; it took 2 giant batteries in the back and everything. Looked killer, though, and felt sturdy and real. I loved that thing.
One day in math class I’m taking a test, and the thing starts to shutter. I replace the batteries, but it doesn’t help. I continue to take the test, watching as my calculator slowly fades. I realize it’s the only calculator I have on hand, so I start hurrying before it finally gives out. I’m rushing through each question all while this heirloom, this piece of familial history slowly gives out before my eyes. Finally, I get to the last question:
“*find the length of the opposite side of the given angle within the right triangle*”
One by one, I jam in all the figures I need to, trying to squeeze one last equation into my calculator’s life. Finally, with its last bit of life, it pushes out the answer I need. I scribble it down, and the calculator shuts down for good. Then, it all hit me:
It died for my sins.
https://redd.it/1lpfysl
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If anal sex were an Olympic sport, I would definitely win the silver medal.
I always end up coming in number 2.
https://redd.it/1lpezoc
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I told my wife that if sex was an Olympic sport I'd win a Gold medal..
In the singles division..
https://redd.it/1lp2630
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to the bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is this bar?”
https://redd.it/1lowysk
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Marriage increases a man's chances of becoming obese threefold, a new study finds.
That's because having sex burns a lot of calories.
https://redd.it/1lopn3r
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I have a pet termite. I named him Clint.
Clint eats wood.
https://redd.it/1lohhlj
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“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you in. Our casino has a very strict dress code, and you don’t have a tie.”
“But that gentleman over there is completely naked.”
“Yes, but he’s leaving.”
https://redd.it/1locxjz
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My girlfriend used to punch me in the face when she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind much until I found out she was faking them.
https://redd.it/1lo3tw7
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The other day this guy cut me off in traffic.
As he passed he flipped me the bird, and yelled out the window.
"I fucked your mom last night."
.
.
.
My dad can be a real asshole sometimes.
https://redd.it/1lnwu55
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My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.
Then we met.
https://redd.it/1lqphba
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"I invited a bunch of clowns with IBS to the party."
"Why?" My friend asked
"For the shits and giggles"
https://redd.it/1lqbog9
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I visited a temple the other day, and the head monk told me "These men have all taken a supreme vow of celibacy"
"Like their fathers, and their fathers before them"
https://redd.it/1lq6mww
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A Jewish man in 1930 sees his friend reading a well-known Nazi newspaper.
Incredulous, he asks "What are you doing reading that garbage??"
"Well," his friend replied. "Look at our city's Jewish newspaper. One article speaks about a pogrom, the next about rising antisemitism, the next about a vandalized synagogue, and it goes on and on. It's depressing!"
He continues. "What does it say in the Nazi newspapers? It talks about how the Jews are wealthy, how the Jews control all the banks and the press, how the Jews are clever and powerful- it's a real ego boost!"
https://redd.it/1lq2w8v
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I had to apologise to the old lady across the street for accidentally flashing my willy at her….
She said don’t worry, it’s no biggie.
https://redd.it/1lptzgw
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The Family Secret
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other deeply, but we never found the time to actually get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad... "and cheap ones too!"
https://redd.it/1lpmbfa
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I keep having to remind people that the plural of "octopus" is not "octopi".
Boy, people can be such ignorami.
https://redd.it/1lp6yjk
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My grandad told me he’s never committed six of the seven deadly sins.
He’s just too lazy to tell us which ones."
https://redd.it/1lp99rl
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I often tell my wife she looks like Charlize Theron in her Oscar winning performance.
Thank god she still hasn’t look that one up.
https://redd.it/1losw1n
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Tonto
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are usually the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Kowalski, but my friends call me Bubba".
https://redd.it/1lor46j
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I told my wife that if sex was an Olympic sport I’d win a gold medal ..
She told me she’d prefer it if I won silver.
Apparently she’d prefer it if I came second for a change ….
https://redd.it/1lop3d2
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A blonde moment.
One day a blonde came home from school, excited, and said to her mother, “Hey, Mom! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good honey.” responded her mother.
“Is that because I’m a blonde mom?” asked the blonde.
“Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home, went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABC's. The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
“Very good honey,” her mother said.
“Is that because I’m a blonde?”
“Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mom today in school we went swimming, but I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde?”
The mother tells her, “No honey, it’s because you’re 25, unmarried, and still living at home.”
https://redd.it/1lo514q
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My wife paid off our house and cars with her Onlyfans account.
She's going to freak out when she finds out she's got an Onlyfans account.
https://redd.it/1lo8c8y
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How do you get a sweet little old lady to say “Fuck”
Get another sweet little old lady to say “Bingo!”
https://redd.it/1lnyxeq
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One day, many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer.
But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day.
https://redd.it/1lntk0n
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