1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Dick Van Dyke comes back from a orgy
His friend sees him and asks "Well, how was it?"
He replies "It was a pretty shitty gang bang"
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What do you call a lesbian driving a truckload of dildoes?
A Dick Van Dyke (in honor of his 100th birthday)
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Peach Farmer
One day, a beautiful woman hears a knock on her door. Scantily dressed as she wasn’t expecting company, she throws a silk robe on and answers the door.
“‘Scuse me, Ma’am, but would you like to buy some of my peaches. They are homegrown and perfectly ripe.”
“Hmmm…are they as plump as these” she asks while slipping her robe to reveal a great deal of cleavage.
GULP! “Yes, ma’am, they are surely very plump.”
“Are they as firm and juicy as this” she asks while revealing a single breast.
A tear runs down the farmers cheek as he proclaims “YES, Ma’am, they surely are!”
Dropping her robe to her waist she asks the farmer “and are they as plentiful as these?”
Tears streaming down his face, the farmer whimpers painfully “Oh, God, yes, they surely are plentiful!!”
Letting her robe drop, she asks “And are they as fuzzy and…”
The farmer, sobbing on his knees, screams “YES! YES! THEY SURELY ARE!!”
“Oh my Lord, what in tarnation is wrong with you, Mr?!?!”
“Last spring, the floods wiped out my crops. Then a tornado took my barn. The drought killed off all my livestock. Just a few months ago, the pneumonia took my wife. And NOW, I’m about to get fncked out of my peaches!!”
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The Pope dies and goes to heaven.
An angel shows him to his apartment and gives him the keys to his Vespa. He's having a wonderful time in heaven until one day, at a stoplight, he looks over and there is a Ferrari. "Wow" he says to the man driving it, "nice car."
"Yeah!" the man in the Ferrari says, "isn't heaven great? First day I arrived they showed me to my villa and gave me the keys to the car of my dreams."
"Huh", says the Pope, "what...uh what did you do on earth?"
"I was a lawyer," the man says.
"Like, a lawyer for orphans or the environment or something?" Suggests the Pope.
"Nope. Just an ordinary lawyer. I did wills and divorces, and small business stuff." Just then the light changes and the lawyer speeds off in his Ferrari.
This rankles the Pope, and after a few days he goes to St. Peter to complain.
"I was a pious man. I served God my entire life. I was the Pope for crying out loud. How is it that I'm living in an apartment driving a moped and there's this Joe Schmoe lawyer and **he** gets a villa and a Ferrari?"
"Look," explains St. Peter, "up here Popes are a dime a dozen, we've only got the one lawyer."
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A priest drives up to the repair joint and says to the mechanic, "Hey, I brought this car in last week, and ever since it's been leaking oil all over my garage."
The mechanic says, "I'm terribly sorry, Father. Come back in an hour and we'll have it fixed right up for you."
An hour later the priest returns and the mechanic says, "All set, Father. I found the problem. It was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again. That filter is screwed in as tight as a nun's pussy."
And the priest says, "Better give it another quarter turn."
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A famous lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
A famous lawyer is hit by a bus and dies. He opens his eyes to find himself standing before the Pearly Gates. There are THOUSANDS of people cheering. There are streamers and a huge banner that says "WELCOME, FRANK!" There's a band of angels playing upbeat music. Jesus and Saint Peter are waiting, and run up to shake his hand.
A little shell-shocked from his recent death and the hubbub, Frank looks at Peter and says, "Why am I getting such an amazing reception? Is it always like this?!"
Peter exclaims, "No, not at all! You're just the oldest person we've ever welcomed in to Heaven!"
Frank blinks and says, "Nobody over 53 has ever entered heaven?"
St. Peter and Jesus look at each other for a moment, confused. Peter looks back at Peter pulls out a scroll and starts skimming it. "Wait a moment," he says. "Fifty-three? Our records say you're two hundred and six!"
Frank is puzzled and asks, "How do you figure that?"
"Well," St. Peter replies, "We couldn't find your date of birth in the records, so we just totalled all your billable hours."
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I tried to take my bra off but the hooks got stuck and my boyfriend refused to help me
He said he thought I might be boobytrapped
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Four old retirees are walking down a street in Tombstone, Arizona...
...when they see a sign that reads, “Old Timers Club: ALL DRINKS 20 cents.”
The men look at each other in disbelief, thinking that there's gotta be a catch somewhere, but it's only a buck for the four of them, so they decide, what the hell and go inside.
The elderly bartender greets them:
“Welcome, gentlemen to the Old Timers Club. What’ll it be?”
The men check out the fully stocked bar and order 4 martinis, and just 2 minutes later, the bartender serves up four perfect martinis.
“That’s 20 cents each, please.”
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They pay the 80 cents. One of the men tentatively tastes his martini. It's perfect! The men finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, the bartender serves them another 4 excellent martinis.
“That’s 80 cents, please.”
They pay the 80 cents, and they're thinking, how does this guy do it? After all, each of them has had 2 martinis and hasn't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says to the bartender, “Excuse my curiosity, but how in the world can you afford to serve these superb martinis for 20 cents each?”
“I’m a retired teacher from Phoenix, says the bartender, “and it’s always been my dream to own a bar. Last year I hit the Powerball Jackpot for $250 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20 cents. Beer, wine, whiskey, gin….all the same.”
One of the men says, “Wow! That’s a helluva story.”
The four men are sipping their martinis, but they can’t help noticing 7 other people down at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them, and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding his head towards the 7 at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, “What’s up with them?”
"Oh them? They’re retired people from Florida. (looks at his watch) They’re waiting
for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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I read that actor Hugh Grant managed to successfully stop an order of monks...
from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was just outside the actor's mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, "Well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
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A psychiatrist is sitting in his office, bored out of his mind...
Suddenly, the door creaks open and a man crawls in on all fours. He is clenching something between his teeth, holding something in his hands, and dragging something long behind him.
The psychiatrist lights up: "Oh, look who it is! Are you a little snake? Come on in, little snake, the doctor will help you."
The man shakes his head
"Ah, I see! You’re a little turtle then? Crawl over to the chair, little turtle, and tell the doctor what's wrong."
The man shakes his head again.
"Well, who are we then? Are we a little worm?"
The man spits the wire out of his mouth and shouts: "Oh, f\*\*\* off, Doc! I’m the SysAdmin running your new network cables!"
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Blind Joke From A Blind OP
A blind man was standing on a curb, when a dog walks up, lifts its leg, and pees on the man’s foot.
The blind man feels around in his pocket for some food, bends down and offers it to the dog.
Another man, passing by said to the blind man, “That was a kind thing to give the dog some food, considering what the dog just did to you.”
Not at all said the blind man. I only wanted to know which end to kick!
Blind OP.
https://redd.it/1pjjo7f
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Two Ladies Meet Up in Heaven
1st woman: Hi!Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
Sylvia: I froze to death.
Wanda: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together...
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
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A young man moves from a rural are to a big city. He goes into an upscale men's store to apply for a job
The owner looks at the country hick and tells him that the store's clientele are used to a certain style and look for quality. He asks the young man if he's sure that he can handle a sales job in a high-class establishment. The young man says "Well, I was the best salesman at Joe's Clothing and Fish Bait store for the past two years. I reckon I can handle this place." The owner is skeptical but thinks it would be nice to have a relaxing lunch for once so he tell the young guy that he can work on a trial basis. The owner says he accidentally bought a sports jacket that had several loud colors. If the young man can sell that jacket, he will have a full-time job.
The owner has a relaxing lunch with a glass of scotch. A couple hours later he goes back to his store. The young man had a huge smile on his face but looked like he had been in a vicious fight. The owner asks "What happened?" The young guy says "I sold that ugly jacket like you asked." The owner then asks "Did the buyer try to return it and fight you?" "No," says the young man. "He was nice and peaceful but his seeing eye dog sure did put up a fight."
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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. Naturally, all this action piqued the curiosity of the young family's 4-year-old daughter, who took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day watching the workers.
Eventually, the construction crew, a good-hearted bunch, took a liking to the little girl and adopted her as a sort of project mascot.They would chat with her and let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks. They would give her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, and at the end of the first week, they presented her with a "pay envelope" containing $10.
The little girl took this money home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank and start a savings account. The teller at the bank was duly impressed and asked the little girl how she managed to earn her very own paycheck at such an early age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"My heavens, young lady," said the teller, "and will you be working on the same house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowes ever deliver the fucking drywall!"
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Lawyer Smith was in his office one day.
His partner Jones of their Smith and Jones law firm was not in. Business was rather slow lately, so he was glad when a client came in to pay her bill which amounted to four hundred pounds.
He diligently entered the amount in the account book and was putting away the money when he realised that there were two hundred pound notes stuck together. With the extra hundred pound note in his hand, he experienced the inner struggle that all faithful lawyers face.
After battling with his conscience long and hard he finally decided on a coin toss. Heads he would tell, tails he won't.
Tails came up.
So he didn't tell his partner.
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after months of trying, it finally happened, my wife told me she's pregnant
she has a horrible stutter
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Seth Rosenstein was terrible at math
Seth Rosenstein was a decent student, except for one problem: he was atrocious at math. His father, Rabbi Jared Rosenstein, hired the best tutors money could buy. Nothing helped
They switched schools. Still terrible. More tutors. Still awful. Finally, at his wits’ end, Rabbi Rosenstein sent Seth to a Catholic school. Within weeks, Seth’s math grades skyrocketed
Stunned, his father asked, “Son, what happened? How did you suddenly get so good at math?”
“Dad, I saw what they did to the Jewish guy on the plus sign and realized they were not messing around!”
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It only takes one pervert to put in a lightbulb,
But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
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Mom to her young daughter: “So how was your first day at school?”
The girl: “First day?! You mean I have to go back tomorrow?!”
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How many autistic people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
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Police station was robbed
I just heard that a Police station was robbed of all their diving gear. Guess they'll never get to the bottom of it.
Especially not since all their K9 gear was also stolen, so they have no leads.
But, all the confiscated drugs are still there, so they may have a crack at it.
And their guns and ammo is also still there, so I bet they'll take a shot at it.
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Why do aliens take organs from cows?
>!They already took all the pianos!<
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A little kid calls the police…
“Police? You need to come quick! My dad’s been fighting the neighbor for two hours!”
“Two hours? Why didn’t you call us earlier?”
“…Earlier my dad was winning.”
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How many members of a given occupational or demographic group does it take to change a lightbulb?
n+1, one to change it and n to act in a manner stereotypical of that occupational or demographic group.
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A man goes to his doctor with a strange request
"Doctor," he says, "I want to be castrated."
Somewhat confused at this request, the doctor asks, "Castrated? But why ..."
"I've looked into it, I've done the research," the man says. "I'm absolutely sure that this is what I want."
"Well, if you're sure, you're sure," says the doctor, and writes the referral to the hospital.
At the hospital, the nurse is checking him in, and asks what he's there for. "I'm here to get castrated!" says the man happily.
"Castrated?" The nurse is surprised. "That's pretty unusual. Are you sure ..."
"I'm quite sure," says the man. "This is definitely what I want."
Later, the surgeon is talking with him, and again verifies the procedure. "What is it you're having done here?"
"I'm here to get castrated!" says the man.
"You do realize," the surgeon says, "this can not be reversed. If you change your mind later, this can't be undone."
"I know," said the man. "I'm not going to change my mind. I'm looking forward to this."
So, the surgery proceeds, and the man gets castrated. Later, he's recovering in his hospital bed when he gets a roommate that has also just had surgery. "What are you here for?" the man asks.
"I just got circumcised," his roommate responds.
The man snaps his fingers. "Circumcised! That's the word I was looking for!"
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Cat Joke
I am blind so please excuse my spelling. I just wrote the French the way it sounds. Sorry, I had no way of finding the correct spelling. I hope this is still funny.
Joke:
There were two cats, one English and one French.
The English cat’s name is one two three, and the French cat’s name is un du twa.
The cats decided to have a race across the lake to see who could make it all the way.
One two three made it all the way, but un du twa cat sank. 😹
Blind OP.
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Doctors...
I lost three fingers on my right hand in an accident. I asked my doctor if I'll be able to write with it again. He said maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
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A young guy moves to California and goes to local mega-store looking for a job.
A young guy moves to California and goes to local mega-store looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? All my other sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The guy said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were attending a conference.
That night, they're sleeping on different floors of the same hotel.
The engineer wakes up to see that his room is on fire. He quickly activates all the emergency fire hydrant systems in his room, completely putting out the fire but drenching his room in the process. He gets back to bed and uncomfortably goes to sleep.
The physicist wakes up to see that her room is on fire. She takes a pitcher, walks to the bathroom, and carefully estimates how much water is needed to put out the fire. She puts out the fire with precisely the right amount of water, gets back to bed and goes to sleep.
The mathematician wakes up to see that his room is on fire. He takes out a pencil and notepad, walks to his desk, and starts madly scribbling. The fire gets bigger and bigger and he scribbles faster and faster. Finally, he writes QED down, and slams his notepad on his desk. "A ha! I have proven that it's possible to solve the fire problem!" He gets back to bed and goes to sleep.
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