1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Best joke my grandfather told me.
Once there was a little old lady who lived in a nursing home. She had a boyfriend who was a little old man in that nursing home. Because of their age, they couldn't have sex, so instead they'd just sit on the bench in the garden, he would pull his dick out and she would hold it in her hand. They'd sit there doing this every day until dinner at 3pm. One day she went out to the garden to find her boyfriend doing this exact same thing but with another woman (!) Shocked, she hobbles over and confronts him. "What does she have that I don't have?" She asks. He responds, "Parkinsons."
https://redd.it/1ebvuq1
@r_jokes
Passwords are like condoms
If I’m the first to tell you not to reuse them, something has already gone catastrophically wrong.
https://redd.it/1ebofb2
@r_jokes
An old mafia boss was at the end of his life
He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with the pope in Rome.
The pope listened to all the sins the mafia boss had committed. "I can give you absolution for your sins," the pope said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"
The pope took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.
"Fifty million dollars" the pope said.
That was a lot of money to the mafia boss. He had known it was going to be expensive but he had not expected it to be that expensive.
He decided to get another offer so he arranged a meeting with the patriarch in Moscow. The patriarch listened to his sins, nodded and poured himself another glass of vodka. "I can give you absolution for your sins" he said "but let me be honest. It will take a lot of work and it is going to cost you"
The patriarch took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered.
"Twenty million dollars" the patriarch said.
That was sill a lot of money so the mafia boss decided to get a third offer and arranged a meeting with the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. The chief rabbi listened to his sins and said "I can give you absolution for your sins, no problem".
"How much will it cost me?" the mafia boss asked.
The chief rabbi took out his calculator, added the numbers and answered
"Two hundred dollars" he said.
"The pope in Rome wanted fifty million dollars and the patriarch in Moscow wanted twenty million. How can you do it so cheap?" the mafia boss asked.
"Oh that's easy," the chief rabbi answered "we call at local rates"
https://redd.it/1ebcz4d
@r_jokes
Condom
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
https://redd.it/1eb3yrz
@r_jokes
A dwarf sex worker loves to frequent her local boxing gym…
She usually gets called for a couple low blows.
https://redd.it/1eaxp02
@r_jokes
What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
https://redd.it/1ear9h2
@r_jokes
Anders Celsius died in 1744 at age 42.
But if you had asked his rival Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit, he was actually 108.
https://redd.it/1eahuzr
@r_jokes
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.
“Are you hurt?” she asks.
She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
https://redd.it/1eafpvi
@r_jokes
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.” As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space. The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.
https://redd.it/1ea6znv
@r_jokes
A burglar breaks into a house in the dead of night while the family is on vacation
He is fumbling around trying to find valuables with a small, weak flashlight so as not to alert any neighbors. He hears someone say "Jesus is watching you." He turns around quickly. "Who's there?" There's no answer. He continues on, thinking maybe his mind is playing tricks on him.
He hears it again. "Jesus is watching you." The guy looks around again, and spots a small parrot in a cage. He approaches the cage, and says to the parrot "oh, it's just a parrot. Guess your owners taught you to say that." The parrot says "actually, I'm fluent in English." The burglar is taken aback.
"Well that's cool, I guess. Say, what's your name Mr. parrot?" "Moses," says the bird. The guy chuckles. "What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replies,
"The same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus."
https://redd.it/1e9yt66
@r_jokes
Two men broke into a pharmacy and stole all the viagra.
Police are searching non stop for these hardened criminals.
https://redd.it/1e9qx7m
@r_jokes
It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.
https://redd.it/1e9j7op
@r_jokes
A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.
Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”
And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”
https://redd.it/1e95i3l
@r_jokes
Army joke
Army boot camp at night. A company is sleeping. An officer enters the barracks and asks:
"Private Petrov!"
"Yes sir!"
**"EVERYBODY UP! A SOLDIER ISN'T SLEEPING!"**
The whole company has to get up and to do an exhausting set of exercises before going to bed again.
The officer enters the barracks again.
"Private Petrov!"
(*Silence*)
**"EVERYBODY UP! A SOLDIER IS MISSING!"**
https://redd.it/1e8x609
@r_jokes
Biden just did what your dad couldn't.
He pulled out before it was too late.
https://redd.it/1e8w9n5
@r_jokes
cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. he sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees Leonardo DiCaprio behind the wheel, reading a popular culture magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, crying. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
DiCaprio lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
DiCaprio says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s crying.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. DiCaprio, a young woman, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, man?”
DiCaprio says “I’m 49, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
DiCaprio looks at his watch and replies:
She turned 26 three minutes ago
https://redd.it/1ebqsp4
@r_jokes
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
https://redd.it/1ebifeo
@r_jokes
Scottish Wedding
Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Archie nodded approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white
https://redd.it/1ebcawx
@r_jokes
One fine day, a fly was buzzing to and fro on a farm. As the day went on, he realized that he was getting hungry, so he fitted into the horse stables to find a bite to eat. A moment later he spotted an exquisite, freshly made horse apple...
... The fly zipped down toward the steaming pile of horseshit and landed right on the top. After saying his grace prayer to the great fly god for proving him this scrumptious meal, he dug in and just started gulping away at the beautiful turd before him.
He ate and ate and ate... until he was full, then he ate some more. He stuffed himself until he couldn't even swallow anymore. It was some delicious shit, and he wasn't about to let such a delectable meal go to waste. Finally, he had his fill and took off to go about his day. But he fell to the ground like a stone.
The poor guy had eaten so much he couldn't fly. And a fly who can't fly is not OK! He tried again, taking a running start this time. But no matter how much he flapped his little wings, he just couldn't get enough momentum to take off.
Irritated at the situation, he looked around and saw a bucket nearby. So, he dragged his overstuffed fly ass over to the bucket and struggled toward the top. Then, taking a deep breath, he jumped off and flapped his wings harder than he ever had.
Alas, he hit the ground like a sack of potatoes and spent some time recovering himself. Panic was beginning to set in. He desperately looked around again and saw a shovel leaning up against a wall. Over to the shovel he walked, and eventually reached the handle, all the way at the top.
Taking another deep breath he jumped and, despite furious wing-flapping, plunged to the ground... and his death. His carcass lay in a splattered pile of fly guts and horseshit.
I think we can all learn an important lesson from our gluttonous fly's tragic story...
...
...
...
...
... Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit!
https://redd.it/1eb43xr
@r_jokes
Americans use the elevator, whereas the British people use a lift.
I guess..they are raised differently.
https://redd.it/1eaywc6
@r_jokes
I told my wife I'll love her 24/7
Well today's the day.
https://redd.it/1eat6p3
@r_jokes
Two cannibals are having lunch
One says: "I hate my wife."
The other replies: "So just eat the noodles."
https://redd.it/1eajrz5
@r_jokes
Bob and his wife decided on go on a diet.
After weeks of strictly sticking to their diet, Bob's wife suggested a cheat day.
She brought home a large pizza, a box of donuts and some chicken wings.
Bob brought home a hot blonde with big tits.
From his hospital bed, Bob thought about how men will never understand women.
https://redd.it/1ea9rcz
@r_jokes
The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
https://redd.it/1ea76ak
@r_jokes
An orange thought he was getting a threesome when he got a match on the dating app with a pear
But was disappointed to see there was only one of her
https://redd.it/1e9w5j3
@r_jokes
A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure, saying God would protect him.
He is quickly eaten and finds himself at the pearly gates before God. "Why did you not protect me from the tigers?" the man asks. "I tried to," God replies. "What did you think the fence was for?"
https://redd.it/1e9nies
@r_jokes
An intern at a mental hospital starts his first day.
He comes across a patient walking through the halls and asks "Who are you?"
The patient answers "I'm Napoleon."
Not sure how to handle this, the intern decides to be polite and asks "How do you know?"
The patient responds "Jesus told me."
Another patient, overhearing this conversation, suddenly turns around and says "No, I didn't."
https://redd.it/1e9cgpi
@r_jokes
Donald and Vance are at a rally.
Donald is ranting about the 2020 election at a rally. "I can't believe Biden is President! He got less votes that me!"
Vance corrects him. "Fewer."
Donald whispers back. "I told you not to call me that in public!"
https://redd.it/1e8vop3
@r_jokes
Joe was always gonna drop out…
He was just Biden his time.
https://redd.it/1e906h3
@r_jokes
Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by
he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day"
https://redd.it/1e8qbok
@r_jokes