1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My doctor told me I was obese. I got defensive and told him, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese....
..... My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity **runs** in my family."
Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
https://redd.it/1jaa61k
@r_jokes
Marx famously said that "religion is the opium of the masses"
He recognized, way ahead of his time, that people need better drugs.
https://redd.it/1j9zgt8
@r_jokes
Sex shops have the most noble customers
Everyone there is “buying for a friend”
https://redd.it/1j9itqz
@r_jokes
I caught my son going on Pornhub today and I am now deeply ashamed of him.
Only a dumbass would answer no on the "are you over 18?" question.
https://redd.it/1j9ol5g
@r_jokes
My dad always said in adultery there are only losers
But participating is more important then winning.
https://redd.it/1j9h948
@r_jokes
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.
https://redd.it/1j94d1n
@r_jokes
How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fuck you. Do it yourself!
https://redd.it/1j8zs0s
@r_jokes
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
https://redd.it/1j8uxec
@r_jokes
Did you know Albert Einstein married his first cousin?
That's how he came up with the theory of relativity.
https://redd.it/1j8lzy9
@r_jokes
Overheard Two Ladies Talking - One said I'm getting a boob job. The other said, well I'm getting my asshole bleached...
The first one looked at her surprised and said, 'I can't picture your husband as a blonde'
https://redd.it/1j8ikv0
@r_jokes
I Wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
https://redd.it/1j85sep
@r_jokes
What do you get when you milk a mythical cow?
Legen-dairy
https://redd.it/1j7taup
@r_jokes
My girlfriend said that having a tiny penis is not a big deal.
She may be right but personally I just wish she didn't have one at all.
https://redd.it/1j7rnha
@r_jokes
I like a woman who takes charge in the bedroom
Because I can't pay cash.
https://redd.it/1j7mni5
@r_jokes
Why did a man call his dog with no front or back legs, cigarette
Cause he takes him out for a drag every night
https://redd.it/1j7bqab
@r_jokes
I asked Siri why I was still single
She opened the front facing camera
https://redd.it/1ja84be
@r_jokes
I once dated a woman that was actually a ghost…
Had my suspicions the moment when she walked through the door
https://redd.it/1j9yax7
@r_jokes
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms.
https://redd.it/1j9ti6l
@r_jokes
People deride Tesla products as "Swasticars." I see them as the future of transportation for all people and all products. A real people's vehicle...
A "folks wagon," if you will.
https://redd.it/1j9limy
@r_jokes
I love this one. It teaches a lesson
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn
out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The other people in the congregation were all wearing upscale, expensive clothing.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were appalled at his appearance and didn’t attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church after the service the preacher went up
to him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. But the next Sunday he was wearing the sameragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
After the service the preacher again went over to the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God about your attire before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"And what did God tell you the proper attire would be for worshiping here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir,” the cowboy replied, “God told me He didn't have a clue what I should wear because He'd never been in this church."
https://redd.it/1j9cokv
@r_jokes
Me: Father forgive me for I have sinned. I cannot stop thinking about Bare Naked Ladies. Priest: I see. How long has it been since your last confession?
It's been...
https://redd.it/1j98o5x
@r_jokes
A man goes to the store to buy condoms
He says to the woman behind the counter "Excuse me miss, I would like 5 condoms please." To which she replies "Don't 'miss' me!" So he says "Ok then, make it 6."
https://redd.it/1j8u9x1
@r_jokes
I got home and caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate. I told her that this is not going to work out.
She completed lost it and went fucking bananas.
https://redd.it/1j8qefb
@r_jokes
What do you call a bagel that likes getting hurt?
A gluten for punishment.
https://redd.it/1j8fypd
@r_jokes
You know what my ex-wife and Waffle House have in common?
There are always a couple of toothless alcoholics inside her at 4am.
https://redd.it/1j8drur
@r_jokes
A lawyer was driving along the highway
when an armadillo suddenly ran in front of his car. The driver hit the brakes, picked up the armadillo, and tossed it in the trunk before continuing on his way. A short while later, he got pulled over at a federal checkpoint. The officer asked for his license and registration, then told him to step out of the car and open the trunk. When the trunk popped open, the officer spotted the armadillo and said:
"Are you out of your mind? This is a wild animal! You're going to jail for this. If I call the wildlife authorities, you're in big trouble."
The lawyer responded calmly, "Oh, no, officer, that armadillo is my pet. I've raised him since he was just a baby. He's trained, too. If you let him go, I can whistle twice, and he'll come right back to me."
The officer, doubtful, said, "Yeah, right. I don't buy it."
"Go ahead and let him go, and you'll see," the lawyer replied.
So, the officer picked up the armadillo and released it into the woods. The armadillo bolted, disappearing into the trees. The officer turned back to the lawyer and said, "Alright, call the armadillo back."
The lawyer then asked, "What armadillo?"
https://redd.it/1j830qc
@r_jokes
What do you call a deaf person that pissed you off?
Whatever you like
https://redd.it/1j7vfej
@r_jokes
I once accidentally fell into an African river, and was so embarrassed that I refused to accept that it even happened.
I was in de Nile
https://redd.it/1j7fbmg
@r_jokes
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
https://redd.it/1j7jkch
@r_jokes
Alcohol is great foreplay
A good way to start the night is to liquor
https://redd.it/1j77onq
@r_jokes