1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My friend could never satisfy his gf even though he is a muscular guy; 6 foot, 2 inches
Those happen to be separate measurements.
https://redd.it/1kofkpv
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Three statisticians go hunting. Deep in the forest, they see a deer. The first one aims their rifle and takes a shot, but it goes wide to the right. The second one takes a shot, but it goes wide to the left.
The third one says, “We got it!”
https://redd.it/1ko9l3h
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A wealthy lady hired a band
a caterer and a clown for her granddaughter’s birthday party.
Shortly before the party was due to start, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for them, the lady promised them a free meal if they would chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they went to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, the party got under way, and all of the children were having a wonderful time.
The only problem was that the clown hadn’t arrived, and soon he phoned to say that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be able to get there in time.
Disappointed, the lady tried valiantly to entertain the children herself but she was a poor substitute.
Just then she happened to look out of the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the back lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and jumped high in the air.
So she went outside and said to the other bum: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $75.”
“I don’t know,” said the bum.
“Let me ask him. Hey, Willie! For $75, would you chop off another toe?”
https://redd.it/1ko4no8
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An elderly woman appears in court.
Defence Lawyer: *"Ma'am, will you please state your age?"*
Little Old Lady: *"I am 86 years old."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"*
Little Old Lady: *"There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you know him?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, but he sure was friendly."*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened after he sat down?"*
Little Old Lady: *"He started to rub my thigh."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, I didn’t stop him."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"*
Little Old Lady: *"It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my husband died 30 years ago."*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"*
Little Old Lady: *"He began to rub my breasts."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him then?"*
Little Old Lady: *"No, I did not stop him."*
Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"*
Little Old Lady: *"It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!"*
Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"*
Little Old Lady: *"Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer."*
Defence Lawyer: *"And did he?"*
Little Old Lady: *"Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, 'April Fools!' That’s when I shot the bastard."*
https://redd.it/1knve2n
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I recently dropped 15 pounds
Now my friend won’t let me hold his baby.
https://redd.it/1knpwrx
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I always rate girls out 15
Sounds way better when I tell my friends I hooked up with a 7
https://redd.it/1kn8jyf
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What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
https://redd.it/1kn765y
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My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don’t have a Ferrari.
https://redd.it/1kn4inr
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A rich man came home and immediately started shouting at his wife.
"I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!"
"Different how?" his wife asked.
"Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!" her husband retorted.
She looked at him and responded: "If you knew how to satisfy a woman, we wouldn't need a gardener, a mechanic, and a pool cleaner!"
https://redd.it/1kmz7v7
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Guy gets out of prison, goes right to the nearest whorehouse, and meets the crusty old Madam
She asked what he wants. He says “I haven’t had a woman in 10 years. I don’t want young, I don’t want pretty. I want a tough woman who can put up with a major ass pounding”
The madam says, “Well cowboy, that’s me. Go down the street and get us a 6 pack of longnecks, and meet me in room 7”
The guy buys the beer and goes to room 7. The madam is on the bed, totally naked, on her hands and knees, with her asshole facing the door.
The guy says, “I thought you wanted to have a few beers first.”
She responds, “Well mister, you gotta open them bottles somehow”.
https://redd.it/1kmqcpk
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Two men were guests at a friend's bachelor party. "You know, in America, one in 20 men is gay", said the first man. "Statistically that means one of the guys here is homosexual. Who do you think it is?
" I hope it's Jeff, said the second man, "He's cute".
https://redd.it/1kmioal
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Three men died and went to heaven.
They were asked there how they all died.
The first man said: I was at work, when I got a phonecall from my neighbor. He said that he saw my wife allow a stranger into our house. I drove as fast as I could, searching our house, but I couldn't find anyone there, other than my wife. I got so mad at one point that I went into the kitchen, grabbed our fridge and threw it out the window. However, because of all that, my heart was beating so fast that I got a heart attack.
The second man said: Well, I was at home, just relaxing on a day off. Then I thought to myself "Man, today is such a beautiful day. Clear sky, warm, gentle wind. I will take my dog for a walk". So, I was walking with my dog, when I noticed a weird shadow underneath me. I thought that it must have been just a weird cloud, or something like that. I looked up and I saw a fridge falling right on me.
The third man then said: Well... I was peacefully sitting in a fridge.
https://redd.it/1kmblva
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What’s the difference between weed and pussy
It’s good weed if you can smell it across the room
https://redd.it/1klx8vp
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Asked my kiwi mate "what's a Hindu"?
He said it lays iggs
https://redd.it/1klxmjv
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A father at the church asked a newly wed couple to practice celibacy for a month in order to join the church. After a month they returned and made it known that they had failed
The husband said that he kept strong till day 27 but then his wife dropped a cereal box and when she bent, he couldn't stop himself. The father told the couple that they would be allowed to enter the church. The husband said with a sigh that they weren't allowed to enter the grocery store either
https://redd.it/1klm63v
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At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
https://redd.it/1kogf9k
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What’s the difference between your job and your wife?
After five years, your job still sucks.
https://redd.it/1ko2oo7
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch.
https://redd.it/1knxlzi
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Triplets
A woman gave birth to triplets, all boys, and named them Tim, Tom and Tat. Soon after she realized she had a small problem. What was her problem?
>!She did not have a tit for Tat.!<
https://redd.it/1knm74p
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box
https://redd.it/1knjgts
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So, imagine a guy named Curtis.
Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.
One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.
Every time you did someone a favor, or just a nice thing one of these would show up in your pocket.
Tip your waiter, hold the door for someone, you’d get one of these.
Ooh boy, when people figured THAT out, these things had value.
Everyone was doing nice shit!! So much nice shit, eventually the market became flooded with these magical sheets of paper. Soon enough, they lost their value.
And still to this day, whenever you do the right thing you’ll get one of these sheets. But, it’s just another common Curtis-E.
https://redd.it/1kn6n0c
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A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees.
The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!"
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!"
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!"
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!"
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw."
The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
https://redd.it/1kn7z07
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As a kid, I had a bad stutter, and one day I was trying to tell everyone Nanna had passed away, but as I was telling them ...
... they all started singing Hey Jude.
https://redd.it/1kmv28x
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Why is the comments section on pornhub so active?
People love mass-debating.
https://redd.it/1kmtx7a
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f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender says "sorry, we don't cater for functions".
https://redd.it/1kmfz1e
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An 85-year-old man wants to go golfing, but he's legally blind.
He's still in great physical shape and loves to golf, but he can never see where his ball goes.
A woman in the pro shop tells him that her dad is 95 and loves to golf, but all of his friends are too old or have passed away.
"He's *ninety five* and still golfs?"
"Yep! Do you want me to set you guys up? He would love to shoot nine holes with you."
A date is arranged and the two old men meet on the first tee. The 85 year old blind man tees off first and smashes his drive down the fairway, but quickly loses sight of the ball.
"Did you see where it went?" he asked the 95 year old.
"Yep!"
"Where did it go?"
"...."
"I said where did it go?"
"I don't remember..."
https://redd.it/1km2mr8
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In their small town, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old.
They were both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age. The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!"
"That's correct." said the old man with a smile.
"Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!"
"Thank you." Said the old man humbly. "Do you mind if I ask - how am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man, "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you."
The visitor agreed and they make their way inside.
"You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 km. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 km almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am."
"But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "How come your wife is in such great shape too?"
"Well," smiled the old man, "She usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole 5."
https://redd.it/1km7kmc
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A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having a cake day is the best way to gain Karma."
https://redd.it/1klp4ia
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Why are hurricanes commonly named after women?
Because when they come they are wet and wild, and when they go they take your house and car
https://redd.it/1klrr04
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How many turban wearing men does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
https://redd.it/1klkehj
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