1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man enters a craft chocolates shop and asks if they could make a chocolate model car for him.
- “Sure, no problem.”
- “And can it look like the VW Beetle that my dad had?”
- “Nice idea, no problem at all.”
- “And can you make it so that the chocolate doors open and you can see the interior detailed in chocolate, like with a plastic model car? Same with the bonnet and trunk?”
- “that will require some planning, but I think i can manage.”
- “And i would like the wheels to roll, and if i turn the steering wheel then the wheels should turn as well?”
- “Mmmh that is fiendishly difficult in chocolate, I will need to carefully plan and experiment…”
- “And finally, can you make it so that the chocolate windows can move up and down when you turn the handles?”
- “Man this is insanely difficult. But give me 3 weeks and i’ll try my best.”
Three weeks later the man returns and indeed there is a lovely chocolate VW Beetle model on display. The chocolatier proudly shows it in all its glorious details: interior, wheels, steering wheel, windows, everything works perfect, and after the demo he asks, “shall I put it in a nice gift box?”
- “No need, I will just eat it here.”
https://redd.it/1l8iefb
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Back during the Cold War, Heinrich, who was just drafted into the West German Army, asked his superior Major Schmitt for a three day pass.
The major says, "Are you crazy? You just got here last week and you're wanting a three day pass? Those aren't just given out to anyone. They must be earned!"
So Heinrich left dejected but comes back a day later driving a brand new Soviet tank! Major Schmitt was very impressed, he said, "For that act of bravery you are getting your three day pass. By the way, how did you do this by yourself?"
"Well", said Heinrich, "I jumped into one of our tanks and drove to the East German border. When I got there, I saw an East German soldier sitting alone in this tank. I waved a white flag. He waved a white flag. We met right at the border and I asked him 'Do you want to get a three day pass?'. He said, 'sure' so we swapped tanks!"
https://redd.it/1l8gumy
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A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger woman by his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
https://redd.it/1l8297h
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A little heavy set boy is sitting on a bench eating chocolate bars.
A guy in his mid 30's walks up to him and says "Hey kid, you shouldn't eat so much chocolate, it's bad for your health, and it looks like you could already lose a few pounds.
The boy says "My grandpa lived to be 99 years old"
The man comes back with "Well I'm sure he didn't live that long from stuffing his face with chocolate bars!"
"No, he lived that long from minding his own fucking business"
https://redd.it/1l7zwgf
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A CNN reporter covering the Middle East heard a story about an elderly Jew
who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray twice a day, every day, for a number of years. So she went to the Wailing Wall and, after waiting around for an hour or so, she spotted him. When he had finished his prayers, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir,” she asked, “how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”
“Forty years.”
“Tell me, what do you pray for?”
“For peace between Jews and Arabs; for all the hatred to stop; for all of our children to grow up as friends.”
“And how do you feel after doing this for forty years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
https://redd.it/1l7ryi8
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar during a lightning storm.
As they drink, the first man says, "The FBI's been following me ever since I exposed their weather control program."
The second nods and says, "Me too, when I exposed their 5G mind control."
The third agrees, but just as he goes to raise his glass, he begins to slur his words. He cries out, "It's the 5G in here! I can feel it frying my neurons!"
This terrifies the first man, and he darts out into the rain toward his car only to be immediately zapped into human charcoal. The other two go back to sipping their drinks, unbothered.
The bartender stares at them and goes, "Jesus! Aren't you two traumatized?"
And they clink glasses, set two FBI badges on the bar and say, "Nope! Cheers to number six!"
https://redd.it/1l7hiqh
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Nun returns to the convent after a round of golf and speaks to her Mother Superior.
Nun: Mother Superior. I have to confess that today I took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain.
Mother Superior: What happened my child?
Nun: I was on target to break 80 for the first time. I just needed a par on the 18th. I hit a lovely drive right down the middle but a gust of wind blew it into the rough.
Mother Superior: Oh no. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?
Nun: No Mother Superior. I was able to control my frustration. Then I hit a great 8 iron to the middle of the green but a squirrel grabbed my ball and dragged it into a bunker.
Mother Superior: What bad luck my child. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?
Nun: No Mother Superior. Again I controlled myself and was able to hit a brilliant bunker shot to within 18 inches of the hole.
Mother Superior: You missed the fucking putt didn’t you!
https://redd.it/1l7fv1g
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
https://redd.it/1l78giv
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I was using a urinal when ...
a midget walked up and began using the urinal next to me. From the corner of my eye I thought I saw him look at me. I turned my head to find him looking up and winking at me. I looked forward, not knowing how to respond. This happened another two times.
Finally, I said, "Hey guy I'm flattered, but I'm not gay".
He replied, "Neither am I... You keep splashing me in the eye."
https://redd.it/1l70oqc
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An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race.
Finally the owner lost patience and warned the horse: “Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”
That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.
Angrily he ran over, kicked the horse and yelled: “Why are you sleeping?”
The horse wearily lifted its head and replied: “I have to get up at three in the morning.”
https://redd.it/1l6unzp
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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks, nice guy. He's a web designer.
https://redd.it/1l6isc4
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A guy goes into a bar where he meets a pair of beautiful conjoined twins who are joined at the side. They hit it off and proceed to booze the night away.
Closing time comes around and they decide to take the party back to his house. He gets in the door and the twins immediately drop and one starts blowing him while the other tounges his balls and asshole. They had a rest and more drinks and then make it onto the bed and while he's pumping away the other twin is fondling his sack. The third time they grease up the spot where they're connected and they let him fuck it while they make out.
Two weeks later the twins are walking and they pass by his house. The first twin says "We should go and say hello? We had a lot of fun there." The second twin says "I dunno, do you think he'll remember us?"
https://redd.it/1l6b6i2
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Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't talk about it.
"For I did not speak of my own Accord" --John 12:49 (NIV)
https://redd.it/1l5orxa
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One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time. Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period. He said: "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
https://redd.it/1l5qsxj
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A man tells his doctor "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How can she be pregnant?"
The doctor considered his question for a moment, and then began to tell a story:
“I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day, he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large beaver sitting at the water’s edge. Since he only had his umbrella, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature."
"Whimsically, he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his hunting rifle, and said ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, the beaver flinched twice as if it had just been shot, then fell over dead.”
"Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “Exactly! Next patient, please.”
https://redd.it/1l5gmi1
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My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
Those were good years
https://redd.it/1l8hynd
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The most sensitive part of a man's body when having a wank is....
His ears !!!!
https://redd.it/1l89sok
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Bangkok STD
A man goes to Bangkok on a business trip. While he's there, he decides to sample the carnal pleasures.
When he gets back home he notices there's something wrong with his male member. He goes to a doctor who recoils in horror and says the only thing we can do is amputate.
He goes to another doctor who also recoils in horror and says the only thing we can do is amputate.
So depressed, he thinks this is an Asian disease I should go to an Asian doctor.
He goes down to his local Chinatown and meets with an Asian doctor. He tells the doctor what the other doctos said.
"They want to cut off your dick?"
Said the doctor. "We won't have to do that."
As the man sighed in relief, the doctor said "two or three days it'll fall off by itself"
https://redd.it/1l8202v
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An elderly woman visited a produce store...
She requested 6kg of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then decided she needed 4kg of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman asked for 8kg of carrots.
"Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually."
"Oh, that would be grand." she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?"
The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"
https://redd.it/1l7t0ka
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What did the South Korean traveler say at the currency exchange when he received his money without being told the exchange rate?
I have won, but at what cost?
https://redd.it/1l7post
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Marvin was walking through the state fair looking at the rides and attractions when he saw a huge sign on a tent proclaiming, "Come see The Magnificent Bob".
So he goes to the entrance, pays his two dollars, and goes inside. After about ten minutes, the act was to begin. Magnificent Bob came on stage wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Before him was a short table with five walnuts on it. Bob removed the robe revealing the largest penis ever. He grabbed it and, going down the line, smacked each walnut crushing them into tiny bits. The crowd went wild.
About twenty-five years later, Marvin again was walking through the same state fair and saw the same sign. "Come see The Magnificent Bob". So of course he had to see if it were the same performer. It was. The act was the same except there are five coconuts on the table. Bob comes out, takes off the robe, big Johnson, smashed coconuts, and crowd goes wild. After the performance, Marvin sees Bob on the Midway and talks with him. "Bob", Marvin starts, "I was here twenty-five years ago and saw your act but you were using walnuts. This time you used coconuts. Why did you switch?" Bob replied, "Well, after twenty-five years, my eyesight just ain't what it used to be".
https://redd.it/1l7iwf9
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A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin
A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin. So he went looking for one such. To test this, he would lower his pants and show his penis. Than he would ask:
"What is this?"
"Dick"
If the girl knew, that would mean she was too experienced and not chaste. So he was looking for a chaste woman in many places, but the answer was always "Dick", "dick", "dick".
He decided to look further, so he went somewhere completely desert of people. There he met a gorgeous innocent looking young girl.
"What is this?"
"I don't know" she answered
This was it. So they got married. On the first wedding night, he lowers his pants
"Do you know what this is?"
"I don't know" the girl responded.
"It's dick."
"Really? Never before have I seen such a tiny dick."
https://redd.it/1l79990
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Three dogs - Command, Conquer, and Control - are at a research laboratory when they are put back in the kennel after a long day of testing.
With his mind alone, Command levitates a pen and paper off the nearby desk, and writes on it, "So did today's training suck or what?"
Conquer simply speaks! "It was particularly brutal today, with all the jabs and exercises."
They turn to Control and ask him, "So how do you think today was?"
And Control looks up and says, "Ruff."
https://redd.it/1l6x0c7
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Two seventy-year-old friends meet one has a girlfriend in her 20's
They all go to get a bite. When the 20-something girlfriend excuses herself to use the bathroom, The first one has to ask,
"I'm so impressed! How did you land such a young, attractive girl like that?"
"Well, I had to lie about my age!"
"Really, that must have been quite the lie! How old did you say you were?"
"85"
https://redd.it/1l6vx3n
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Shaggy God story
A grandmother wants to take her grandson to the beach. The child’s mother, is worried the old woman will not be attentive to the child…”please” the grandmother begs “I’ve even bought him a sailor suit with a little hat!” Finally the mother relents.
At the beach, a huge wave rolls in from the horizon, crashes onto the beach and pulls the small boy out to sea without a trace.
The grandmother is in shock. She falls to her knees, looking to the sky. She begs…“God, please return my grandson. I’ll never ask for anything ever again!”
On the horizon, a second huge wave, rolls towards the beach, crashes at the grandmother’s feet and deposits the child wet but unharmed.
Again looking to the sky, the grandmother says
“He had a hat.”
https://redd.it/1l6mvw3
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My wife went deer hunting for the first time.
She said I go every year and she wanted to see what was so great that I kept coming back to hunt, year after year.
I taught her how to operate and fire a rifle accurately. How to spot where deer frequented. How to use camouflage. By the time deer season arrived I felt she was ready.
I took her to her deer bind and told her if she shoots...stay put. I would hear her shoot then I'd come from my blind, 300 meters away, and help her track her deer. No sooner was I out of sight I heard her fire her rifle.
I turned and headed her way. Before 10 seconds passed I heard lots of yelling. I ran to her blind and before long I could see a strange man with his hands up and my wife, rifle aimed, holding him in place. There was a dead horse laying nearby. Running closer to them, I finally could hear that the man was desperately pleading with her....
"Ok lady! It's a deer! It's a deer! Just let me get my saddle off it and I'll leave!"
https://redd.it/1l6djsl
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My neighbors banged on my door at 3:30 am last night.
Luckily, I was still up,playing my guitar. They shouted "how about a little respect?" I said, "honestly I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay. This one's for you!"
https://redd.it/1l6822x
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My patient asked, "Doctor, will i be alright?"
I said, Let's see, mercury is in uranus right now.
He said, I am not in this astrology stuff.
Me: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
https://redd.it/1l5pjra
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A man and his wife were sitting in their living room one evening.
He said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, poured out all of his beer, and unplugged the TV.
https://redd.it/1l5jk10
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There's an old joke about the difference between American and Russian corruption.
An American legislator hosts a Russian legislator at his very nice, upscale home on a lake. The Russian is impressed and asks him how he affords this on a legislator's salary. The American points and says "See that $50 million bridge?" The Russian nods. "I got $55 million allocated to it, and through various means, I funneled $5 million of that to my own pocket in the process." The Russian looked very impressed.
Later, the American visits the Russian, and was amazed when he saw that the Russian had an entire mansion. He asks him how he afforded it. The Russian points and says, "See that $50 million bridge?"
"*No*" says the American.
"*Exactly*" says the Russian.
https://redd.it/1l5czwy
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