1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A woman dies just after finding out her husband was having an affair
When she makes it to heaven, the angel at the gate asked her if she can spell "Love" before letting her in. And she does so. Eventually she earns her wings and becomes an angel at the gates too. And asks people the same question before letting them in. But then one day her ex-husband shows up at the gate, and he recognizes her. And she asks him one thing. Can he spell "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"?
https://redd.it/1lleaku
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Why is it taking so long to analyze the Black Box data from the Air India crash?
Because even in India, tech support puts investigators on hold.
https://redd.it/1ll2mdk
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The military is cutting staff because Why Not. They decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide.
Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet.
Then came the Marine General.
"I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, where he seriously wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in shock.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
https://redd.it/1lkzfsf
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Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian, was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophia", her mother told her, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother, "Mama will take very good care of him!"
https://redd.it/1lkt1xj
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Lady with 3 vaginas
A lady visits her doctor and is asked to sit on his table and explain to him what the problem seems to be. The doctor is shocked when instead of just telling him, she pulls up her skirt to reveal that she has 3 vaginas - the normal one and then one either side. The doctor is flabbergasted and tells her he's never seen anything of the sort in all his years in the profession. Annoyed, the lady suggests the doctor stops staring and offer some advise. The doctor swiftly swings around on his chair, grabs some selotape and proceeds to tape over each of the vaginas either side of the normal one. The woman, now completely perplexed, says to the doctor "what is this, some kind of magic tape? Will it make the extra vaginas dissappear?"
The doctors says "no, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center!"
https://redd.it/1lkj32a
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I was digging in the backyard and I found gold. I ran inside to tell my wife
But then I remembered why I was digging in the first place
https://redd.it/1lkcq3p
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A woman has an appointment with the pastor.
When she arrives at the house she sees through the kitchen window how the housekeeper is giving a handjob to the pastor.
She rings, and after a while he opens the door, still heated and disheveled.
"Oh, Mrs. Miller, sorry you had to wait. And please excuse my condition, my housekeeper just served me a heavy prank!"
"Yeah" she says "i saw it, through the prindow."
https://redd.it/1ljppjp
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What a country! If they find gold or oil in my backyard, it belongs to the state!
But if they find marijuana, then it's mine??
https://redd.it/1ljfhwl
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Chronic masturbators must hate golf.
Their score is better the less strokes they take.
https://redd.it/1ljrnz1
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At my check-up, the very elderly doctor looked at my chart and said, “Ah, April 18… we share a birthday. Fellow Capricorns!” I said, “Uh, Doc, you meant Aries.”
He nodded and said, “Ah yes, I love those. Especially the crime ones on Netflix!”
https://redd.it/1lj8kb9
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"It was probably around 1962, in my bedroom, thinking about my best friend's mom"
Sorry Mr President, I said tell me about the West Bank...
https://redd.it/1lja8ir
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A Stoner finds a dirty old lantern and gives is a rub when suddenly a Genie appears out of the lantern.
The Stoner is surprised when the Genie thanks him for releasing him and says “I can grant you three wishes, what is your first wish”.
The Stoner says “I wish me and you could smoke nice fat joint” and like magic a beautiful joint appears and they both smoke it.
After they finish, the Genie asks “ok, what about wish number 2” to which the Stoner says “how about we smoke another joint” and like before another doobie magically appears and they both enjoy it.
The genie then asks “what do you want for your third and final wish” and the Stoner said “Let’s have another joint together” which they do and they enjoy smoking in the sun.
At the end of the last joint the Genie disappears back into the lantern leaving the Stoner alone.
Five minutes later, the Genie reappears out of the lantern and says to the Stoner “I can grant you three wishes, what is your first wish?”
https://redd.it/1lj2xjz
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A Pharoah asks his three priests to build him a tomb.
Each priest consults three stonemasons.
Each stonemason hires three overseers.
Each overseer enlists three laborers.
Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me...
https://redd.it/1livx3q
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A man with two black eyes walks into a bar
And asks the bartender for a strong drink. As he's making the drink, the bartender asks the man what happened.
"It was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I told her I bought her a car. She hit me once when I gave her Hot Wheels."
"That's horrible! Bu I have to ask, where did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I told her I actually did get her something silver and shiny that goes from 0-200 in 10 seconds flat, but she hit me with it when she unwrapped a bathroom scale."
https://redd.it/1lijilb
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A traveller once visited a small village in the countryside.
At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married.
"I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.
The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumour has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" exclaimed the traveller, but the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveller just had to check it out, so in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea.
After the traveller explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"Please," begged the traveller, "Can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "It all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.' We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.' Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!' "My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.' "And we haven't had a fight since."
https://redd.it/1lia5zt
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Have you noticed how many people have rock lamps their homes these days?
Must be all the lava lamps from the 70s that have finally cooled down...
https://redd.it/1llac3x
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There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts” or with “Balls”.
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
**GUTS** - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
**BALLS** - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the “Balls” to say: "You're next, Chubby."
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
https://redd.it/1ll09uz
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"Doc, you've got to help me! ...
"... I'm 94 years old. I just married a gorgeous 28-year-old lingerie model. She's a great cook. She keeps the house spotless. She only ever says nice things to me. And every time I walk in the front door, she's ready to have sex with me."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
https://redd.it/1lkr8t0
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My girlfriend's dad is mad because I took her virginity.
I called him and said, "It won't happen again!"
https://redd.it/1lkpdkn
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I just landed a part in an adult movie, and the leading lady is a real hottie!
I just have one line: "Bye, honey, I'm off to work now."
https://redd.it/1lkgft2
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Did you hear that Lorraina Bobbitt died in a car accident?
Some dick cut her off
https://redd.it/1lk8ghb
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"fuck, you are so tight..."
I whisper as I do my budget for the month
https://redd.it/1lk157u
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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
https://redd.it/1ljx1ke
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Buck was having a tough time with his pig farm
His pigs just weren't breeding. One day, his friend Chucky stopped by. After a quick chat, Chucky recommended, "This natural breeding thing doesn't work anymore! You have to try artificial insemination on the piglets. If it works, the next day they'll be rolling in the mud!"
Since Buck didn't know what artificial insemination was, the next day he loaded all the piglets into his Chevy and drove to the back of the farm, and for hours, he banged each one of them himself.
The next morning, he woke up and asked his wife, "Daisy, go see if the piglets are rolling in the mud!"
Daisy replied, "No, Buck, not rolling in the mud."
So Buck gathered all the piglets back into his Chevy and took them to the back of the farm again. He banged each one again, and the next day he asked Daisy if they were rolling in the mud. Daisy replied, "No, Buck, none of them are rolling in the mud."
Furious, Buck took all the piglets and put them back in the Chevy. At the back of the farm, he took a couple of Viagras and banged each one even harder, twice. Exhausted, he got home and fell asleep. The next day, he asked his wife if the piglets were rolling in the mud.
Daisy then replied, "They're not rolling in the mud, but they're all inside the Chevy, and one of them is honking the horn!"
https://redd.it/1ljg02i
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The grocery store boy asked me, “paper or plastic”. I told him I didn’t care and told him to choose for me. He said he couldn’t do that…
Baggers can’t be choosers.
https://redd.it/1ljglg6
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Why is it impossible to solve a redneck murder?
- DNA is all the same
- There are no dental records
https://redd.it/1lizczw
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A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbit walk into a bar...
The bartender greets them as they sit down, and asks what they will each have to drink.
The Preist orders a glass of wine and says to the others with a smile, "Today after 50 years, I just held my last mass, and now I am officially retired."
The Monk orders a Saki, and says to the others, "Well today, after 55 years, I served my last day at the monastery, and I am officially retired as well."
The Rabbit slowly stands up, and looks around wide-eyed at everyone in the bar, and after after a deep breath exclaims, "Guys... I think I'm a fucking typo!"
https://redd.it/1lixhld
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A Man Is Up In Court, Charged With Assaulting His Best Friend With A Hammer
As the judge reads out the details of the case, a voice from the back of the court shouts out
‘You lousy bastard!’
The judge calls for order and goes on to read out the next charge ‘you are also accused of using the same weapon to strike your father across the head’
And the voice again booms out ‘You absolute scumbag’
The judge settles the court again and reads out the third and final charge ‘you are finally accused of using the offending item to break the legs of your brother.’
And the voice for a third bellows ‘you are a disgrace!!’
And the court clerk goes over to the man and hauls him out of his seat and brings him infront of the judge.
The judge says to him ‘Okay sir, I understand you are very disturbed and upset by this case, but you simply cannot disturb proceedings like this… do you know any of the victims personally?’
And the man points across the desk and says ‘No! But I’ve lived next door to him for 10 years, and anytime I asked him to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have one’
https://redd.it/1liiadh
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A Scotsman Walks Into A Bar While On Holiday In Canada
And he says to the barman ‘What is that thing there that you’ve got hanging from the wall?’
And the Canadian behind the bar says ‘That right there sir, is our prized possession, it’s a moose that was killed just over there in my very own back yard’
The Scotsman slams his beer down on the table in shock and says ‘My God! If that’s a moose then I would love to see the size of your cats’
https://redd.it/1lii466
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I asked my brother if he would tell me the Greek word for "knowledge"
He said "No, sis," which wasn't very helpful.
https://redd.it/1li9tcd
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