1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails
When the police showed up, they asked him what happened.
The shaken turtle replied, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
https://redd.it/1qbtetn
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Final exam to become a detective
The chief commissioner gathers the three remaining candidates and presents them with the final test.
They must look at a suspect’s mugshot for just a few seconds and then explain how they would recognize that suspect in a crowd.
The first candidate comes in, the commissioner shows him the photo, and after a moment, he says, “It’s easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he’s easy to spot.” The commissioner replies, “Are you stupid? That’s a side photo! Get out of here right now!”
The second candidate comes in, sees the photo, and after a few seconds says, “It’s easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he’s easily distinguishable in a crowd.” The commissioner gets angry again and says, “You’re an idiot too! Get out of here!”
The third candidate enters, and the commissioner warns him, “Be careful, because the others were really unqualified.” He shows the photo to the third candidate, who thinks for a moment and then says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The commissioner is amazed because he doesn’t even remember if the suspect actually wore contact lenses, so he goes to check the records. He confirms that it’s true, and then he returns to the candidate and says, “Congratulations, you’ve become a detective! But I have to ask, how did you know that he wore contact lenses?”
The candidate replies, “Well, with only one ear and one eye, it’s hard to wear glasses!”
https://redd.it/1qbk6vk
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Transgender equality
My assistant came out as transgender.
I wanted to be respectful, so I asked,
“What’s the hardest thing about being a transgender?”
She said, “honestly, I just want to be treated like a real woman.”
So I cut her pay.
https://redd.it/1qbbcqq
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Friend from childhood passed away so I'll share his joke that sparked our friendship
First day of 4th grade in 1989, Brad and I are waiting outside and he says to me. "hey wanna hear a joke?" (I know you guys might roll your eyes but it is what it is...)
----
Timmy was the youngest of 3 kids and his parents did their best to keep him from learning swears and threatened his siblings to be grounded if they ever taught him.
It's Thanksgiving and Timmy walks into his sister's room and hears her on the phone party line saying "...whatever, you're a bunch of bitches and bastards." Timmy asks "what does bitches and bastards mean?" His sister stumbles a bit bit says "oh, yea umm, it means ladies and gentlemen...now get out!"
Timmy then walks by his brother's room and sees him playing Nintendo. Just then his brother dies in the game and says... "cocks and tits!!" he asks his brother "is that part of the game?" The brother turns around, gasps, and says. "no no no oh it's nothing it just means, umm, 'hats and coats', really not a big deal man so just forget about it"
So Timmy goes downstairs and is about to ask his mom if his siblings are lying when she cuts her hand while slicing the turkey and yells "fucking fuck!" and so he asks his mom "what does fucking fuck mean?" she's mortified and goes silent but then says "sweetie, it just means to 'cut', you see how I'm cutting the turkey? Anyway go get me a bandaid from your father".
Timmy goes into the bathroom where his dad is shaving and just then he nicks himself while shaving and yells "ASS!" and before Timmy speaks dad says "listen, that word is just the grownup way of saying 'face' don't worry about it."
Timmy gets the bandaid and goes back downstairs. Just then, mom hears the doorbell and tells Timmy to let the guests in. So he opens the door, looks up at everyone and says... "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take your cocks and tits? My mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dad's shaving his ass!"
---Brad and I became instant friends. He will be missed.
https://redd.it/1q9oxw4
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A guy is sitting at a bar looking miserable. The bartender says, "What's the matter, dude?"
The guy says, "Last night my wife got really drunk and wanted to have sex in the back seat of our car."
"That sounds pretty hot," says the bartender. "So what's the problem?"
And the guy says, "She wanted me to drive."
https://redd.it/1q97u6w
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My boss says that the office is taking a drug test tomorrow.
I think I’ll ace it, considering I did them all.
https://redd.it/1q8pbr1
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A cop pulls over a blonde driving 35 on a 75 MPH highway
The cop asks the blonde why she is driving so slow.
She replies, "The sign back there says 35!"
The cop says, "Ma'am, that is the interstate sign, this is I-35, the speed limit is not 35."
He then notices someone in the passenger seat who is profusely sweating and trembling.
He asks the man what is wrong.
He replies, "We just got off of State Road 250."
https://redd.it/1q8lyq0
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"You better wait an hour or so before mowing the grass- it's probably still wet this early."
Tom said after dew consideration.
https://redd.it/1q8cp6d
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A woman goes to see her doctor
"Doc, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm"
"Are you taking anything for that?"
"Yes, pepper"
https://redd.it/1q7m7da
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New School Bus Driver
There was this guy who had just gotten a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Count, Cookie Monster, Oscar, Grover, Elmo., and a couple other characters. When finished, he stepped back and admired his work.
It was his first day on the job and he was looking forward to getting started and meeting the kids. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can keep an eye on him in the mirror."
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."
Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied, “Well, I had two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
https://redd.it/1q7vj7f
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A kid is playing a video game in his room when his mom walks in and says, "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
Without taking his eyes off the screen the kid says, "I'm right in the middle of this game; tell him to come in here!"
A minute later her boyfriend walks in and says, "Hey, Champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like 'Champ', huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid bolts upright, turns and says, "BlueDragon72? I haven't used that name since I played Call of Duty when I was ten."
And the boyfriend says, "That's right, dude. I told you I was gonna bang your mom."
https://redd.it/1q7jwoz
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A factory worker gets on a trolleybus in Moscow and sits down next to a stern woman wearing a severe grey suit and a Party pin.
After a minute, he notices that despite her cold demeanor, she is quite beautiful. Being drunk on vodka (and feeling reckless), he leans over and whispers, "Comrade, how about we go back to my communal apartment”.
She turns red with rage, slaps him across the face, and hisses, "You hooligan! I am a senior officer of the Moral Committee! One more word and I will have you sent to the Gulag!"
The worker sits in terrified silence for the rest of the ride. After the woman gets off, the trolleybus driver leans back and whispers to the worker:
"Comrade, listen. I know her file. She is a fanatic. Every night she goes to the Red Square to weep at the Mausoleum. If you dressed up as the Ghost of Lenin, you could command her to do anything for the good of the State. I would have done it myself, but I am currently under investigation for listening to jazz."
So, the worker goes home, finds an old suit, glues on a goatee, and waits in the shadows of Red Square. Sure enough, the woman arrives. He jumps out and booms, "Comrade! It is I, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin! To prove your absolute loyalty to the Revolution, you must copulate with me right here on the cobblestones!"
The woman falls to her knees trembling. "Oh, Comrade Lenin! I will do anything for the Party! But please... I insist we do it from behind so I do not look directly upon the face of the Leader. And I must keep my heavy winter coat and hat on, so that no Western spies can identify me."
They finish the act in the freezing cold. The worker rips off his fake beard and yells, "Ha! Surprise! I am the drunk from the trolleybus!"
The woman rips off her coat and hat and yells, "Surprise! I am the trolleybus driver! And I am Major Smirnov of the KGB! You are under arrest for sodomy and impersonating the Premier!"
https://redd.it/1q42yan
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A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says, "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."
https://redd.it/1q3wx23
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A man goes to a massage therapist for the first time...
He's starting to feel quite relaxed, but then suddenly starts to notice something
Man: is it normal to get an erection during a massage?
Massage Therapist: yes, it's completely normal. Just don't think about it and relax
Man: okay, but do you mind getting it away from my face?
https://redd.it/1q3ob28
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(Jewish joke) A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew...
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew die at the same time and are all dismayed to see the devil, who welcomes them to hell.
The Christian inconsolably sobs, "What?! But I faithfully prayed to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ for absolution of my sin, I shouldn't be here!".
The Muslim frustratedly exclaims, "Ya Allah! I prayed Salah religiously five times every single day like prophet Muhammed, I shouldn't be here either!"
The Jew turns to eye up the devil, sighs, and then asks "How do I get air conditioning arranged in here?"
https://redd.it/1q3ijzq
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A wife tells her programmer husband: “Go to the store and buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get six.”
He comes back with six gallons of milk. When she asks why, he replies: “They had eggs".
https://redd.it/1qaygza
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A Jehovahs witness knocked on my door yesterday
So I invited him in and made him a cup of tea and sat him down at my table. I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he replied with “I’m fucked if I know I haven’t got this far before“
https://redd.it/1qbk0rl
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Did you hear about the Storm Troopers who ate a small Wookie?
They said it was a little chewy.
https://redd.it/1qa2mae
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Police Officer Pulls Over Two Priests
A police officer pulls over two priests. Cop walks up to the car and says, we're looking for two child molesters. The priests talk to each other for a moment and then look back at the cop and say "okay we'll do it!"
https://redd.it/1q9i57s
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Bartender looks up to see a polar bear at the bar.
“What’ll it be?” he asks.
“I’ll have a rum and … coke,” the bear says.
Bartender pours the drink, places it on the bar. “I have to ask,” he says, “why the big pause?”
The bear looks down at his drink, shrugs. “I was born with … a speech impediment, you asshole.”
https://redd.it/1q90r0m
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My boss says that the office is taking a drug test tomorrow.
I think I’ll ace it, considering I did them all.
https://redd.it/1q8pbr1
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The teacher asks the children in her third-grade class to give her a sentence using the word "fascinate."
Mary raises her hand, stands up, and says, "My Mom and I went to the museum, and it was fascinating."
"That's very nice, Mary," says the teacher. But you used 'fascinating.' Can anyone give me a sentence using 'fascinate?'"
Bobby raises his hand, stands up, and says, "I watched my older brother dissect a frog, and I was fascinated."
"Very good, Bobby," says the teacher. But you used 'fascinated.' Can anyone give me a sentence using 'fascinate?'"
Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, so the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
Little Johnny stands up and says, "My Aunt Carol has a sweater with ten buttons. But her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
https://redd.it/1q8bs3f
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Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Apparently more than three, because my basement is still dark.
https://redd.it/1q8au0l
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People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
https://redd.it/1q864qz
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though.”
https://redd.it/1q7yzgr
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Three pastors of churches are sitting around having a lunch together when the topic of tithes and offerings is brought up...
They ask each other how do their different churches decide how much of the money collected goes to the poor and those and need, verses how much of the money is kept by the church for the church's upkeep, growth and the Pastor's own pocket.
The Catholic priest goes first... "To keep myself honest, we don't count any of the baskets... and instead we altenate... one basket for the poor, next basket for the church, third basket for me, then we go again... poor, church, me... somedays I do better than others..."
Next the Methodist pastor speaks up... "Well, what I do... and this might sound crazy... is I have a circle painted on the floor in my office. And each Sunday after service, I take all the collection plates and throw the money up in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we keep for the church and myself, and whatever lands outside the circle goes for those in need and the poor"
Lastly the Baptist preacher speaks... "Well... mine is kind of like our Methodist friend here... After the service... I take all the money... throw it up in the air... whatever God wants, he catches... anything that falls to the floor is for me"
Lol.
https://redd.it/1q4lqzs
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A guy goes to the doctor
He says "Doctor I have the strangest complaint. When I fart it makes this weird noise!"
The doctor says "Well can you demonstrate?"
Guy says "hang on a minute ", strains slightly and this sound reverberates "hhhonda" from his bum.
The doctor days "I know exactly what that is, you have an abscess on your butt"
Thr guy exclaims "how do you know that???"
The doctor replies "Didn't you know, abscess makes the fart go honda?"
https://redd.it/1q3w9h7
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Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
https://redd.it/1q3rnm0
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People have an unjustifiably high opinion of physicists compared to mathematicians.
When a physics professor from Berkeley makes a bomb, he's a hero and gets a Nolan biopic.
When a math professor from Berkeley makes a bomb, he gets life imprisonment.
Where's the justice?
https://redd.it/1q3lpm5
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Comrade Lieutenant
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
Two friends drink vodka and loudly tell political jokes in their hotel room. The third, exhausted, tries to sleep but cannot.
Frustrated, he goes downstairs for a smoke. On the way, he asks the receptionist to bring tea to room 39 in five minutes.
Returning upstairs, he joins them briefly, then leans toward a power outlet and says, “Comrade lieutenant, please send tea to room 39.”
His friends burst into laughter at the joke. Moments later, a knock sounds… and the receptionist arrives with a teapot. The laughter dies; his friends turn pale and silent. The evening ends abruptly, and the tired man finally sleeps.
In the morning, he wakes to find his friends gone. Alarmed, he asks the receptionist what happened.
She whispers nervously, “The KGB came before dawn and took them.”
Horrified, he asks why he was spared.
“Comrade lieutenant really liked your tea joke.”
https://redd.it/1q39e2y
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