1990
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Karate dog
A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.
He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"
The owner replies, "it's actually a one of a kind dog. It's a karate dog! You say it's name and what you want it to attack and does a bunch of karate moves on it."
Confused and a little skeptical, the man tries it out. "Karate dog, the crate!" The dog bursts through the crate with lighting speed and intensity.
"Wow," says the man. Amused at the man's excitement, the shop owner partakes and says "karate dog, that table!" The dog dashes and leaps into the air, crushing the table with one blow." Excitedly, the man purchases his new incredible pet, puts him in the front seat of his car, and speeds home.
A police officer pulls him over, and taps on the glass. "Do you know were speeding?"
"Yes officer, I'm sorry. It's just that I bought this incredible new karate dog!" The man begins to ramble on about how incredible the dog is.
The officer cuts him off. "I've heard a lot of nonsense over the years, but this is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard."
"No, really. Officer I swear-"
"License and registration son! Enough of this nonsense.
"But officer the karate dog.. you have to believe-"
"I said enough! Karate dog my ass!"
https://redd.it/1qkgy97
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A noted doctor buys the fastest car on the market,
a new Ferrari SF-90. With its custom features, it's the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him nearly all he was worth.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, sitting on a moped, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replied, "A Ferrari SF-90," he said smugly. "Costs more than most people make in a lifetime," he said just to be a shit.
"Must be a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then, the light changed, so the doctor decided to show the old man just what his car could do. He floored it, and within 3 seconds, the speedometer read 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors it and takes the Ferrari up to 175.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 185 Mph. VAROOOM! He's feeling good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old fart, he floors the gas pedal and takes the car as fast as it will go.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out; there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old guy and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:.... "Unhook ... My suspenders .... from your ...side view ... mirror."
https://redd.it/1qkbkpp
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What type of doctor was Dr Pepper?
Fizzician.
https://redd.it/1qk2kag
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My wife asked me "does this dress make me look fat?" She was very angry with my response.
I don't know why she's so upset. I was very polite and reassured her that the dress has nothing to do with it.
https://redd.it/1qjhpfz
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Drunk at the bar
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
https://redd.it/1qjlpjp
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In the beginning was the Plan.
And the Plan contained Assumptions,
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance,
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Directors went to the Board, saying unto them, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the Plan became Policy, and the Board saw that it was good.
But among the Workers was wailing and gnashing of teeth.
https://redd.it/1qejhe3
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Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"The President," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, the president spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
https://redd.it/1qdwady
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What do you call a Spanish guy wearing 🩴 thongs ?
FELIPPE FELLOPPE ...😁
https://redd.it/1qdfxrh
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Old Soviet joke: a man goes to a newsstand every day and looks at just the front pages of all the newspapers.
The guy behind the stand asks him what he's looking for.
An obituary, says the man.
But comrade, obituaries aren't on the front page!
The one I'm looking for will be.
https://redd.it/1qd7z77
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A Redditor has been stranded alone on a desert island for ten years...
... One day, a stunning woman anchors her luxury yacht in the bay and rows a dinghy to the shore.
"You poor man," she says. "How long has it been since you had a cold beer?"
"Ten years!" he cries. She reaches into a cooler, pulls out a icy bottle, and pops the cap. He drains it in seconds.
"And how long, since you’ve had a real, home cooked meal?" she asks.
"Ten years!" She takes him to the yacht’s galley and prepares a thick, juicy ribeye steak with all the trimmings. He devours it like a starving animal.
Finally, she looks him in the eye, slowly starts unbuttoning her blouse, and whispers, "And tell me... how long has it been since you really had some fun?"
The Redditor’s eyes bulge. He drops his fork and screams
"Don't tell me you've got a satellite connection! Some guy just posted 'Good old #41' and I need to tell him he's a bot!"
https://redd.it/1qd4h1d
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You met a man on the Oregon Trail. His name is Terry.
You laugh, tell him, "That's a girl name!" Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
https://redd.it/1qcw3x3
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for too long?
Church
https://redd.it/1qcgfd4
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A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock at the door....
“Who is it?” she calls out.
“It’s the blind man,” comes the reply.
She panics for a moment, horrified at the thought of anyone seeing her naked but then realises that, being blind, there’s no risk at all.
“Alright,” she says. “You can come in.”
The man walks in, looks straight at her and says:
“Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?”
https://redd.it/1qceqj2
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Hand Lotion
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
https://redd.it/1qbytu7
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The Ferry and its cost.
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away onboard my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry
https://redd.it/1qc0mfy
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A Saudi billionaire made a promise to God that he would give away all his wealth
He gave his investments to charity
He sold his houses and gave that money away as well
His jets, his cars, his yachts...gone and all the money given away
Finally he was left with what he started his wealth with, an Islamic bank
Months later, it didn't sell. He went to his agent and said "Sallah, why can't we sell this bank? It's the only thing keeping me from fulfilling my promise."
The agent, mournfully replied, "I've tried and tried but there's just no interest"
https://redd.it/1qkepld
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So a sixteen-year-old says, "Please, mom. I really want to buy a motorcycle."
His mom says, "Absolutely not. Under no circumstances are you are buying a motorcycle."
"Why not?" asks the kid.
And his mom says, "Because about twenty years ago your uncle Robert died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."
https://redd.it/1qk43of
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The company commander and the first sergeant were on the field exercises…
As they were readying to sleep after tough day, the first sergeant asked: “Sir, would you mind looking up into the sky and telling me what you see?”
The commander said: “I see millions of stars.”
Sgt: “And what does that tell you, sir?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you, Top?”
Sgt: “It tells me some bastard gone and snatched our tent, sir.”
https://redd.it/1qjrvv0
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What do you call a 3-some with 2 Vietnamese women?
A Nguyen-Nguyen situation
https://redd.it/1qjde4h
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During the WWII British general wanted to drop an elite squad behind the Japanese lines…
He asked a major to find him a meanest, toughest infantry squad he could. Naturally, major instantly thought about Gurkha…
Major explained the plan to the Gurkha sergeant major, saying: “We’ll drop you from 600 feet, and your objective will be to kill every enemy you can.”
The sergeant major talked to his troops, then went back to the major: “Sah, the men say killing everyone is good, but 600 feet too high. They want to be dropped lower.” The British major said: “All right, sergeant major, we’ll make it 500 feet.”
The sergeant major spoke to his troops again, and again went back to the major: “Sah, the men say 500 feet is still too high and want to be dropped lower.” The major said: “Sergeant major, pilot probably could go down to 400 feet to drop you but that wouldn’t leave enough time for the parachutes to open.”
Sergeant major: “Oh, we’ll be given parachutes???”
https://redd.it/1qj7psp
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A man tells his doctor: "Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I've finally been able to relax!"
The doctor responds: "Glad to hear. And you're only taking 1 per night, right?"
Man: "Oh, I'm not taking them. I've been giving them to my wife."
https://redd.it/1qe5htv
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Gus's mates.
Gus died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Billy Bob and Jim Bob, were called to the morgue. Billy Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Billy Bob said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad but I need you to roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Billy Bob looked and said "Nope, this ain't Gus."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Jim Bob in to identify the body.
Jim Bob took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Jim Bob looked down and said, "No, it ain't Gus."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Jim Bob said, "Well, Gus had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Gus with them two arseholes....'"
https://redd.it/1qdn7tj
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Blonde Joke
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts him yelling,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little fucker on your lap"
https://redd.it/1qdh957
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A man in his fifties visits the doctor.
"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"
"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of a NUCLEAR WAR, AND NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"
Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.
"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."
https://redd.it/1qd9m4y
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While showing off his new apartment to friends one night, a drunk man led the way to his bedroom where there was a huge clock on the wall with a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked one of the guests.
"Why, that's the talking clock," the man replied.
"How does it work?" asked a second friend.
"Watch," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For heaven’s sake, you jerk, it's two in the morning!"
https://redd.it/1qcwohx
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Mom and Three Virgin Daughters
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Since Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!!!!
https://redd.it/1qcqpq3
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If an A bra is small & a D bra is largish, what's a Z bra?
A stripy horse like mammal found in many parts of Africa.
https://redd.it/1qchhnv
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What do you call a Roman soldier who's just satisfied his wife in bed?
Glad-he-ate-her
https://redd.it/1qc4v5l
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Q: What do you call a female rapper?
A: 38 cent.
https://redd.it/1qc3sfo
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A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails
When the police showed up, they asked him what happened.
The shaken turtle replied, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
https://redd.it/1qbtetn
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