1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I survived a bear attack..
Using only a .22 pistol I survived a grizzly bear attack.
My friend, who I shot in the knee, wasn't so lucky.
https://redd.it/1qxrohz
@r_jokes
Overheard at the office coffee station
Senior Engineer: That was an awful lot of snow we got last night.
Office Manager: Yes, it was. I was an hour late after shoveling my car out of the drift.
SE: I was right on time. Here’s a photo I took of my cleaned-off car in my shoveled-out space.
OM: Wow! That’s pristine. That must have been a lot of work. You're not a youngster anymore.
SE: Not at all. My neighbor next door did it. He had it all finished by the time I drank my coffee.
OM: Nice! He must be a great neighbor.
SE: Yes, and he’s young and strong. Here’s a photo of him.
OM: Very nice-looking young man. Is the pretty woman with him in the photo his wife?
SE: Oh, no. That's the woman who visits him after his wife leaves for work.
https://redd.it/1qxkzns
@r_jokes
I didn’t find the Harry Potter series very realistic,
I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?
https://redd.it/1qxfcga
@r_jokes
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if they can help with the luggage.
The photon replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
https://redd.it/1qwyamb
@r_jokes
You know what was even more useful than the first telephone?
The second telephone.
https://redd.it/1qwydwa
@r_jokes
A Priest was being honored with an award at his retirement dinner...
...having served the parish for 30 years, and to mark the occasion, a prominent member of the congregation, a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, was asked to give the presentation and make a short speech afterward. Everyone was excited to hear the Justice’s remarks, however he was delayed in traffic, so the Priest decided to fill in and make a few remarks of his own while they were waiting:
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession that I heard here, and I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The first person who entered my confessional told me that he had burglarized his next-door neighbor’s house, stole 3 TVs, and lied about it to the police when questioned. He got away with it.
He stole money from his parents and his employer. He had an affair with his boss’s wife, had sex with his boss’s 14-year-old daughter, and gave an STD to his sister-in-law. He was arrested for indecent exposure and has taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled that any one person could commit so many terrible acts, but as time went on, I saw that my flock here were not all like that, and that I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest was finishing his remarks, the Justice arrived, to a standing ovation, as he motioned for the room to quiet down. He made profuse apologies for his late arrival and immediately began his presentation:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Justice. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
https://redd.it/1qwnxrp
@r_jokes
A parasite walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve your type here."
The parasite replies, "Well you're not a very good host."
https://redd.it/1qvvapc
@r_jokes
Did you hear about the truck driver who stole $50,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup?
I don’t know how you feel about it, but I hope they put him away for mmm…mmm…good!
https://redd.it/1qswj5q
@r_jokes
Did you hear about the bird that won a race while wearing lingerie?
It was victorious egret.
https://redd.it/1qsm1u2
@r_jokes
I was just heading out to the shops when my wife asked if I could do one or two things.
"Sure," I said, "what do you need?"
"We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?"
"Yes, no problem. Anything else?"
"Oh, and I need a reel of elastic for the mending I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking -- oh, peas. I want peas as well as cauliflower. All OK?"
"Yes, sure."
"And," she added, "you're running low on those chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy."
"Right," I said, "so that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
https://redd.it/1qr2fei
@r_jokes
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
"Well, it’s not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
https://redd.it/1qr2vng
@r_jokes
Coke and Pepsi got married.
They wanted a baby. They tried, and tried, but no luck.
Finally, desperate, they went to Dr. Pepper. The Doctor examined them and said:
\- Sorry, but I am afraid there is nothing I can do. The problem is that you are both pops.
https://redd.it/1qqjmwe
@r_jokes
"How was your golf game today, dear?" asks Jack's wife. Jack says, "I'm gonna have to quit the game. I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's so bad I couldn't see where the ball went. I lost a dozen balls!"
"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Harold next time?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.
"But Harold has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart."
So the next day Jack tees off with Harold looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.
"Yup," says Harold.
"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.
And Harold says, "I forgot."
https://redd.it/1qlrs5n
@r_jokes
Wife visits doctor
A wife walked through the living room, humming a joyful tune.
“You seem happy,” said her husband.
“Went to the doctor today and he said for 45, I have the breasts of a 21 year old,” she responded with a smile.
“What did your doctor say about you 45 year old ass,” the husband snickered.
“Oh, no worries dear,” she replied. “Your name never came up in the discussion”
https://redd.it/1qla68d
@r_jokes
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
“No,” the mans says, “but my wife out in the car still does!"
https://redd.it/1qkrk6e
@r_jokes
Bond...James Bond
When James Bond is abroad he is known as +44 07.
Not a lot of people know that.
https://redd.it/1qxrprj
@r_jokes
Samurai contest
A tournament was held to determine the greatest samurai among three contenders. Each was given a box with fly inside- they were to open the box and kill the fly with their sword as it flies away.
The first samurai opened the box and then cleanly sliced the fly in two with a single sweep of the sword.
The second samurai even did better, taking two swipes and cutting the fly into quarters.
The third samurai opened the box and took a swipe but the fly continued to fly.
“Ah,” said the judge, “your fly has escaped!”
“Yes, he lives,” admitted the samurai, “but he will no longer reproduce.”
https://redd.it/1qxj68y
@r_jokes
I was in a porn movie
I'm the husband leaving the house right before the plumber gets there.
https://redd.it/1qx7vby
@r_jokes
A trucker and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks the trucker if he would like to play a fun game, but the trucker says he just wants to take a nap.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, the trucker declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Ok, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know an answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the trucker's attention and he agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The trucker doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Ok," says the lawyer, "Your turn."
So, the trucker asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and scours the internet for help. With no luck and now feeling frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the trucker, and hands him $500.00. The trucker says, "Thank you," and turns back to get more sleep.
"Well," exclaims the miffed lawyer, "What's the answer????"
Without a word, the trucker reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
https://redd.it/1qx2mba
@r_jokes
Everyone here is always talking about their "fur babies"
>! But as soon as I refer to an infant as a "skin puppy", all of the sudden, I'm "the worst pediatrician at this hospital". !<
https://redd.it/1qwtnys
@r_jokes
At a daycare, most of the parents arrive to get their kid and leave...
However, one man in his thirties, with a bit of a beer belly, stands in front of the building for ages. One of the childcare workers eventually goes over to them and asks "Excuse me sir, are you expecting a kid?"
The man pats his belly and replies "No ma'am, got this from drinkin'."
https://redd.it/1qwjkuv
@r_jokes
In Hawaii, what do you call a very, very quiet laugh?
A low ha
https://redd.it/1qw7g6n
@r_jokes
I already know this joke is old, because I've been telling it since I was eleven.
Two burglars were robbing an apartment. One said, "Somebody is coming in the door! Quick, jump out the window!" And the other guy said, "Are you out of your mind? We're on the thirteenth floor!" And the first guy said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
https://redd.it/1qs3jbk
@r_jokes
Blonde is depressed and decides to end it
She goes into her garage, starts the car and rolls down the window and waits for inevitable. When the police finally shows up, they find her starved to death and the car at 18% charge.
https://redd.it/1qrjbh2
@r_jokes
A bartender wanted to open a whore house above his bar, so he asked his accountant if this would be a good business plan.
The accountant said, "don't do it; it's a terrible idea."
"Why?" asked the bartender.
And the accountant said, "Because there's too much fucking overhead."
https://redd.it/1qr6cgo
@r_jokes
Mr. and Mrs. Lee was overjoyed when their first child, a daughter, was born.
The doctor asked them what they planned to name her.
The couple said they wanted to name her a combination of their grandmothers’ names.
“My grandmother was called Nessa,” said Mr. Lee
“And my grandmother was called Sarah,” said Mrs. Lee.
The doctor asked Mr. Lee, being the father, if he wanted to put his grandmother’s name first.
Mr. Lee thought about it and said, “Not Nessa Sarah Lee.”
https://redd.it/1qqocxw
@r_jokes
After a night out at the pub
Against his wife's wishes, a man goes to the pub after work to watch the match with his friends. After putting one too many down, he drunkenly walks home.
When he gets home he tries to unlock the front door but finds it's been chain locked.
Frustrated, he starts banging until finally his wife comes. Through the door she yells "I told you not to go out drinking with the boys and ye did it anyways!"
He replies "ah c'mon, I havent even had a drink!"
She says back "don't lie, I know you have. It's either me or the pub!"
He says "It's you! I can tell by your voice!"
https://redd.it/1qqq9uk
@r_jokes
Yo Mama is so ugly
She lost the beauty contest in Monopoly.
https://redd.it/1qlj50b
@r_jokes
A husband and wife from Alabama are in a car accident. The wife dies at the scene and the man is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the man and says, "I can’t operate on this man. He is my husband." How can this be?
Answer: The man has two sisters.
https://redd.it/1qkx1o9
@r_jokes
Plumbing
"A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink, so he calls a plumber...
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyway.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade; they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples, and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th-grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school, they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class, so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong, so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute, he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,
"Switch the limits on the integral!""
https://redd.it/1qkm7bg
@r_jokes