1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up
"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"
"Goan."
"How do you spell that?"
"G - O - A - N."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Goan fuck yourself!"
The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.
They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.
"What's your word, sir?"
"Smee."
"How do you spell it?"
"S - M - E - E."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"
https://redd.it/1rh3hkt
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How much soda can a tropical bird drink?
Toucans!
https://redd.it/1rb50xp
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A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.
A regular sees him and says "Hey guy, you doing alright?"
"I'm doing terrible" the guys says "I'm having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I'm just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He's in the car now."
"I'm sorry to hear that" says the regular, "what are you asking for him?"
"500 dollars" the man says.
"Whoa that's a lot of money for a dog" the regular says
"Well, it's like that dog is a part of my family. He's the gentlest, sweetest dog you've ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he'll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you're ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don't have any other options."
The regular says "well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I'll take him. I'd be happy to help you out"
A year later the man walks into the bar again.
This time the regular is there again, but he screams "YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN' SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I've had!"
The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says "Mister... you're never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that"
https://redd.it/1raxk0b
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My cousin is an awful racist...
... he's so nice to black people we had to throw him out of the KKK
https://redd.it/1ranwgm
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why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
cuz rock beats scissors
https://redd.it/1raf08w
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He had a point.
Mikey and I were going West on I-84 and had just stopped for gas and lunch in Boise when our talk turned to our favorite book series. I, of course, was listing off all the fantasy series I'd enjoyed. LOTR, naturally. Dragonriders of Pern. Broken Earth. Percy Jackson. Discworld. Will Wight's Cradle Series. Terry Brooks' "Magic Kingdom for sale... Sold!"...
"Wait, WHAT?" said Mikey. "Terry Brooks? No man. No. You can't EVEN list that guy with the others. He's a hack!"
"What?" I said, while Mike grabbed another grape from the bag we'd snagged in Boise. "His stuff is fun! The Magic Kingdom series was, at least. And a good friend of mine was really into Shannara back..."
Mike made a retching noise. "SHANNARA? Oh God. That was... just the least creative rip-off of LOTR ever."
"We really enjoyed it."
"Oh you DID, did you? When was this?"
"Back when we were in middle school..."
"See? Middle school. You were hardly discerning readers back then."
And then he started making horrific gross disgusting choking noises.
I thought he was just poking more fun at my tastes, but then I realized he really WAS choking on one of those grapes. By the time I figured it out, pulled over the car, and tried to help him get it dislodged, it was too late. :(
And it's haunted me ever since, the time when Mike died on the Oregon Trail of dissin' Terry.
https://redd.it/1r5tkmc
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Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger.
https://redd.it/1r5ewki
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Adam Smith and Karl Marx walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, fellows?"
Adam Smith says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender pours a beer and slides it in front of Adam Smith. He then turns to Karl Marx and says, "And for you?"
And Marx says, "I'll have what he's having."
https://redd.it/1r4pmas
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As we entered the restaurant, I noticed it was very crowded.
I walked up to the hostess and said:
"Table for four, please. Will it be long?"
She didn't answer, so I asked again:
"How long of a wait?"
She then replied:
"15 minutes."
15 minutes later, I heard the hostess say:
"Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
https://redd.it/1r4u8lz
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A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
https://redd.it/1r0juv1
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What's the difference between a Jake Paul fight and a totaled car?
The Jake Paul fight gets fixed.
https://redd.it/1qzt1ft
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My grief counsellor died.
He was so good, I don’t even care.
https://redd.it/1qzl98a
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I got a call from a scammer yesterday.
Me: “Hello.”
Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”
Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”
Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”
Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”
Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay. Same as before.”
Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”
Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”
Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “I usually press the big button.”
Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
Scammer: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”
Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”
Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
https://redd.it/1qzfbpm
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Burglar
A man woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He called the police who arrived quickly and arrested the intruder. Next day the man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. No, said the duty sergeant, you'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him? Well, said the man, he got into my house at 2 am without waking my wife. I want to know how he did it.
https://redd.it/1qz3r46
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An experiment
Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
https://redd.it/1qye4mc
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With sugar or without sugar
An Arab is sitting in a millionaire's restaurant in Dubai having lunch, when a little, old, Jewish man comes into a restaurant, and says to the Arab "I have a golden lighter. You will probably want to buy it, but l warn you immediately, it costs a million dollars"!
The Arab says "Have you lost your mind? A million dollars? That lighter is not even worth a dollar"! The LOJM proceeds to click the golden lighter, at which point a genie pops out of it and says: "Sir, what do you wish for"?
Everyone in the restaurant is shocked when the LOJM orders the genie "Bring me a glass of tea with sugar"! The genie claps his hands, and with a flash of fire, a glass of tea on a platter, a container of sugar, and a spoon appear as if by magic!
The Arab rubs his eyes to assure himself what he just saw, then grabs the lighter and writes the LOJM a check for a million dollars on the spot.
The LOJM says "Not so fast. How do l know this check is good"? So they both go to the Arab's bank and have the check cashed, at which point they shake hands and part ways.
The Arab jumps in the car and is driven home. At home, he sits at the table, clicks the golden lighter, and sure enough, the genie re-appears and says, "Sir, what do you wish for?"
The Arab says: "First, l need you to return to me the million dollars that I paid for you. In addition, I need a new yacht, my own private jet, and two Mercedes in my garage.
The Genie makes a sad face, and says: "l am very sorry, Sir. I can only serve you tea or coffee. Do you want sugar with that?"
https://redd.it/1rgx00r
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A lawyer who had just undergone surgery emerges from anesthesia and notices that the room is dark. "Nurse, why are all the blinds drawn?"
And the nurse says, "There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
https://redd.it/1rb16ev
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The Tired Lawyer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
https://redd.it/1rasfgw
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What did the fish say when they hit a wall?
Dam!
https://redd.it/1raj5ys
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When people find out that I'm a terrible electrician...
...they're shocked.
https://redd.it/1r6ucvb
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Today I saw two teenagers kissing in the park
It reminded me of my teenage days,when I used to see other teenagers kissing in the park .
https://redd.it/1r5eprw
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I had an older guy tell me once he didn't wanna talk about reincarnation.
So I said to him "Back when I was your age, I didn't know what to believe, either."
https://redd.it/1r56zmf
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My girlfriend is yelling at me right now because apparently I “ruined Valentines Day”
Don’t know how that’s possible, considering I didn’t even know it was Valentines Day
https://redd.it/1r4zyqt
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English to become the official EU language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
https://redd.it/1r4osxw
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id".
https://redd.it/1qzxx5o
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the coffee and the Bible
A husband and a wife are arguing who among them is supposed to make coffee in the morning. They are both very religious, so the wife said she will open the Bible on a random page and see Divine guidance from it.
She opens the Bible and points to the title of the current Bible book: "See, honey? You are supposed to do it."
The husband looks at the title:
"HEBREWS"
https://redd.it/1qzo558
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Two friends are hiking along a country road.
They notice a hole in the ground and wander over to take a look at it. As they peer into it they see it is very deep. One says," I wonder how deep this hole is". His buddy says,' why don't we drop something into it, maybe that will give us a clue. His friend agrees and they look around for something to to use. They spot a a rusty old anvil and decide that's perfect for the job.
The two men manage to wrestle the anvil to the edge of the hole and push it in. As they stand there waiting for the anvil to hit bottom they hear rapidly approaching hoof beats and suddenly a goat runs past them and dives into the hole.
They are standing there trying to prosses the events when an old farmer approaches them and asks if they have seen a goat walk by. One of the hikers tells the farmer," Why yes we just saw a goat coming towards us at about 80 miles an hour, run between our legs and jump into that hole. The farmer says, "Well that's just impossible, I had that goat tied to an anvil."
https://redd.it/1qzcvsq
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The Old Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Her people admired her for being gentle and kind to everyone.
One afternoon the pastor went to visit her and she invited him to her charming living room. Miss Beatrice invited him to sit down and went to make tea.
As he sat across from her old organ, the young pastor noticed a glass bowl standing on top. The bowl was full of water and a condom was floating in the water!
When the hostess returned with tea and muffins, they began to talk. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floating object, but it soon prevailed and he could no longer restrain himself.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you'll tell me about it?" He said, pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful ?! I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground.
Its instructions say to put it on the organ, keep it wet and that it will prevent the spread of disease. You know I haven't had the flu all winter! "
The pastor fainted.
https://redd.it/1qz6oku
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75% of people living in Kentucky will tell you their capital is "Louie-ville".
25% will tell you it's "Louis-ville".
But the correct answer is Frankfort.
https://redd.it/1qyzlbh
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A rabbit goes into the job centre and says have you got a job for a rabbit?
A rabbit goes into the job centre and says have you got a job for a rabbit? The manager says we haven't got any jobs for rabbits, and I don't think we'll ever have a job for a rabbit.
The rabbit says do you mind if I come in now and again to see if you've got jobs for rabbits? The manager says no problem come in whenever.
Well every morning at 10 o'clock the rabbit comes in and says have you got any jobs for rabbits? The manager says there's no jobs for rabbits, and there never will be.
A few days later an American comes into the job centre wearing a Stetson looking very important. He says 'you got any rabbits looking for work?' The manager is amazed. He says there's a rabbit who comes through that door at 10am everyday who's looking for work. I'm sure he'll be interested.
Anyway next day at 10am the rabbit comes in. The manager says to him you won't believe this. It's finally happened. There's a man here looking for rabbits to employ. I didn't think this would ever happen but it has happened.
The rabbit says what's the job? The American says we're filming Watership Down on Palm Beach, and we're looking for rabbits, just like yourself, to play the parts.
The rabbit says "Acting? Piss off, I'm an electrician."
https://redd.it/1qxy4uy
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