1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I was enjoying a beer with a buddy and mentioned to him that my wife and I are now sleeping in separate bedrooms.
He said, "Interesting", took a few sips, and added, "so what do you do when you want to have sex?" I told him, "I whistle."
A few moments went by and he followed up with, "And what does your wife do when she wants to have sex?"
"She comes to my door and asks if I whistled."
https://redd.it/1j2ip4c
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Let's go fishing!
A husband and wife were watching TV when he blurted this out.
The wife rolled her eyes.. "fishing is sooo boring" she said.
"Come on! Me, you, the dog! it's a day out!" He replied.
"Ugh.. fine, but we'll go next week.. not this week" she said dismissively as she stared at the tv.
The next week rolled around and she thought he'd forgotten, but she woke up and saw him standing at the foot of her bed with fishing rod and bait-box.
She moaned dramatically - "Aww.. come on I can't be bothered with fishing, I'll do anything else you want, but no fishing pleeeease."
"Fine... I want anal then... Or a really good bj." He said as he slumped onto the bed; looking disappointed.
"Ugh! That's disgusting... anal?! No - come here I'll just suck it then..." She said.
Just as she was getting started; she muttered under her breath "gosh this dick tastes like shit.."
He paused and then replied "yeah... The dog didn't want to go fishing either..."
https://redd.it/1j20ssa
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Why do Russian Computers use Linux?
Because people keep crashing out of Windows.
https://redd.it/1j21ovw
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An Aeroplane is about to crash. A female passenger jumps up and shouts, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!".
With that she strips off her clothes and says, "Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A male passenger shouts, "Yes, me!" He stands up, tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
https://redd.it/1j1wic8
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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.
"Mine bought a new kitchen for $40,000 and she cannot even cook!"
"Yeah, mine bought a car for $60,000 and she cannot drive!"
"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a 3 week business trip and she does not even have a penis!"
https://redd.it/1j1ov1d
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Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Banta pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Banta, along with his friend Santa, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Santa said to Banta, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Banta replied, "No, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."
https://redd.it/1j1i7md
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A farmer counted 297 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
https://redd.it/1j1b9pq
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I asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he has had..
But he fell asleep while counting them.
https://redd.it/1j13atl
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How many American leaders does it take to insult a war hero?
None, but a few Russian puppets will do it just fine
https://redd.it/1j0xw1n
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
https://redd.it/1j0pel6
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I was thinking to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
It would really spice my autobiography up a little.
https://redd.it/1j0jvth
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
https://redd.it/1j0dcvv
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Scientists are carefully studying the effect of cannabis on as many small seabirds as they can.
They're leaving no tern unstoned.
https://redd.it/1izzipg
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What do you call a person who is engaged to Beyoncé?
A feyoncé.
https://redd.it/1j01rpy
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What generation is Forrest Gump from?
Gen A
https://redd.it/1izpfff
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I used to date a woman that had a parrot
Fucking thing never shut up.
The parrot was cool though...
https://redd.it/1j2ezop
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"My wife said picking my nose is disgusting" a man told his buddy. "So what?" his friend asked.
"Now I have to do it myself"
https://redd.it/1j1w1oa
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What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
https://redd.it/1j1wzzw
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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
https://redd.it/1j1mutt
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2 friends are on a fast moving train and pass a field with cows and one o of the guys says: that's 37 cows...
Then, further along they pass another field... The guy turns to his friend again and says: "43 cows".
He does it a few more times, until his friend can't hold the curiosity in and asks how he does it...
The guy replies: "it's easy, I count the legs and divide by 4!"
https://redd.it/1j1esha
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What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
https://redd.it/1j1e90y
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Guy goes to church to confess
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”, says the man: “I stole a car. As redemption, I am willing to give the car to you”
Father says: “that’s ok kid. God will forgive you. But I wouldn’t want that car. You should give it back to the owner instead”.
“But the owner said he doesn’t want it”, says the man.
“In that case”, says the Father: “You may keep that car”.
The man thanks the Father and leaves.
Later in the evening, the man receives a phone call from the Father “motherfucker did you steal my car?”
https://redd.it/1j0ych8
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In one, you come as you are, and in other, you arr! as you come.
https://redd.it/1j10cvt
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Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner?
She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks
https://redd.it/1j0ue92
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a cat leaps onto Watson and pees on him.
"Oh, bloody hell!" Watson exclaims. "My coat is ruined!"
"You'll have to take it up with the owner," Sherlock replies calmly.
"But I haven’t the slightest idea who the owner is!"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrödinger's cat."
https://redd.it/1j0olr8
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A sadist, a murder, a pyromaniac, a rapist, and a masochist walk into a bar
The sadist says "Let's find a cat and torture it".
The murderer says "Yeah, let's torture it and kill it".
The pyromaniac says "Yeah, let's torture it, kill it, and set fire to it".
The rapist says "Yeah, let's torture it, kill it, set fire to it, then fuck it".
The masochist says "Meow".
https://redd.it/1j0ef8y
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The village was running out of water so they hired Mr. McGregor to dig for a new source.
He dug down 10 meters but there wasn’t enough water to meet the village’s needs. So he dug down another 10 meters and found more water, but not quite enough. He dug down another 10 meters and the water he found would meet the village’s needs for years to come.
The village thanked him for his work, but he said, "I think I’m going to dig down 10 more meters." Unfortunately, tragedy struck during this last dig and Mr. McGregor died.
The village brought in the coroner from the nearest town, and after investigating, he completed McGregor’s death certificate. The cause of death?
He couldn’t leave well enough alone.
https://redd.it/1j07miv
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My first day in prison I was so nervous getting naked and showering, I dropped my soap. A big inmate with a cock like a python approached me with a big grin.
He picked up the soap and said "Nice try, you ugly fucker!"
https://redd.it/1j059wp
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Starbucks aims to streamline the company by cutting 1,100 jobs. Staff who are let go will receive a payoff...
which will be 20 cents extra if they put it in their own cup.
https://redd.it/1izsaa6
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sarah has been unemployed for a long time, she heard that there's a job opening in the zoo
the interview person says "an art history degree? we're looking for a veterinary technician but wait, our lioness died and the lion is depressed, if you could dress as a lioness and we'll put you outside of his cage maybe he'll be happy again, we'll pay you 300 dollars a day", she's desperate and takes the job
one time the caretakers left and forgot the lion's cage open, he got out, she got scared and tried to climb the wall, the lion walks up to her
the lion whispers: "don't be scared, i'm Adam, an anthropology graduate"
https://redd.it/1i3adhc
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