1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A farmer's joke
A farmer walks into the local store and the shopkeeper greets him with "Hey Ed, why the sad look?"
Ed shakes his head and says, "Some things, you just can't explain. This morning I went out and was milking Betsy, and her left leg kept kicking the bucker over. So I got a piece of rope and tied her leg to the side of the stall, and got back to milking. But then her right leg kept knocking the bucket over, so I got some rope and tied that to the side of the stall. Sure 'nuf, about then she began swishing her tail and knocking the bucket over. Well, I was out of rope, so I took off my belt and used that to tie her tail to the stall. I was just getting back to milking when the missus popped in, and just as she came into the stall I stood up and my pants fell down. Some things, ya just can't explain."
https://redd.it/1ky0n54
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A scrawny little guy walks into the office of a lumber camp looking for a job.
Boss looks him over and says, "Get the hell out of here. Our axes weigh more than you do." The guy begs and pleads with the boss and says he can show him he's worth hiring. Both men go outside and the boss points to a little one foot around tree and says, "Alright. Lets see you chop that down." The little dude swings the axe twice and down the tree goes. Boss says, "That's ok. Now see that five foot diameter tree? Lets see if you can chop THAT one down. So the little guy picks up the axe and ten chops later the tree falls.
The Boss exclaims, "That's amazing!! Where did you learn to do that"? The little guy replies, "The Sahara Forest." Now the Boss was a bit confused and asked, "Don't you men the Sahara Desert?" Little guy shrugs his shoulders and said, "Sure. It is now".
https://redd.it/1kxwnyy
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The average woman spends over $33,000 at the salon across her lifetime
I don't know all the details, that's just the highlights
https://redd.it/1kxl988
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With tears in my eyes, I told my wife my dad had chosen me to gift his entire Encyclopedia Britannica audiobook collection.
She looked at me and said, ‘Wow… that really speaks volumes.
https://redd.it/1kxeh2e
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The worst part about Kissing a 10 is
The Cold feeling of the Mirror on my lips
https://redd.it/1kwzj1h
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I asked my hooker if it felt good.
She said “I’m just doing it for the money. It’s not that deep.”
https://redd.it/1ksmkzv
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It's so gross when dogs lick me on the lips, but I really like it at the same time.
I guess I'm just experiencing dognitive kissonance.
https://redd.it/1kseywp
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So, mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?", they ask.
"Pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
https://redd.it/1krwlhh
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Girlfriend left me because she said I'm a compulsive liar.
Jokes on her though, she's gonna miss my huge cock.
https://redd.it/1kry64u
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Before heading to war, the king locked his
beautiful wife in her room and handed the key to his trusted friend.
"If I don't return in four days, unlock the door—she'll be yours," the king declared.
The king rode off heroically... but just 30 minutes later, he heard frantic hoofbeats behind him. He turned to see his friend riding like the wind
The king stopped. "What happened?"
Catching his breath, the friend exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!"
https://redd.it/1krurfw
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A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
https://redd.it/1kr9z73
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A man was having a midlife crisis, so he bought a red sports car
As he's driving along a country road, with wind blowing through what's left of his hair, he hears a siren. He realizes he's been speeding the whole time, so he thinks "I have a sports car, I'll just outrun the cop!" and zooms off.
After a bit he thinks "What the hell am I doing?" and pulls over.
The cop gets out and walks to his window, and says "Look it's been a long day. It's Friday the 13th and a full moon at the same time. If you can tell me an excuse I haven't heard before, you're free to go."
The man thinks for a second and says "My wife left me for a police officer. I thought you were trying to give her back."
"Have a good day, sir."
https://redd.it/1krdre5
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A rich lawyer was driving along in his stretch limo
when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside.
Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he wound down the window and called to the man: “Why are you eating grass?”
“Because, sir,” he replied, “we don’t have enough money for proper food.”
“Come with me, then,” said the lawyer.
“But sir, I have a wife and seven children.”
“That’s okay. Bring them all along.”
The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo.
“Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?”
“No, you don’t understand,”
said the lawyer. “The grass at my mansion is two feet high.
https://redd.it/1kr2k1r
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My Asian sister just gave birth to a girl
She’s my japaniece
https://redd.it/1kr0l5y
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It turns out Americans do use the Metric system in school.
It's usually a 9mm.
https://redd.it/1kqtxc1
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I recently met a French woman called Jenna Sequar
I dunno… just had a certain something about her.
https://redd.it/1kxnflt
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So an engineer and an antivax want to cross a river full of crododiles
Fortunately there is a bridge. The antivax asks how safe is the bridge. The engineer answers "around 99.6 percent". The antivax says "ONLY !? NO WAY, I'M SWIMMING !!"
https://redd.it/1kxt9ye
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Blind man and blondes
(My son told me this joke. It’s a bit long)
A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. He and the bartender have a nice, but brief, conversation. Wanting to improve the mood, the blind man offers to share a joke.
Sure, says the female bartender.
So, it’s about this blonde chick, he begins.
Whoah there mister, she interrupts. Just so you know, I’m a blonde and I was a bouncer before taking over bartending.
Not only that, but to your left is another blonde. She’s a former Marine. And on your right, well, she’s blonde too and is an MMA fighter.
Behind you stand two more blondes. One was a boxer and the other a retired Army officer. So, see, you’re surrounded by five, tough, blonde females. Are you sure you want to tell this joke?
The man contemplates for a moment, then replies, no, I guess not. Not if I’m going to have to explain the joke five times.
https://redd.it/1kxh8xk
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My niece (8) was teaching my daughter (6) compound words
Niece: (after just seeing a cockroach) cockroach is a compound word. Cock, roach.
Daughter: what's cock?
Niece: it's what Dad uses.
Daughter: how?
Niece: he uses it to seal the holes ants come out of.
This was exactly the conversation I just witnessed. My wife and I were dying.
https://redd.it/1kxac7w
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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
https://redd.it/1kx8fha
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A pervert exposes himself to three little old ladies sitting on a park bench
The first little old lady has a stroke. Then the second little old lady has a stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke, but she couldn't reach him from her end of the bench.
https://redd.it/1ksbywf
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I find myself being super attracted to homeless people.
I think I might be hobosexual.
https://redd.it/1ks1fxu
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes…
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
https://redd.it/1ks3hzr
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Someone once asked me if there’s sex after death
I replied “well that depends on the coroner”
https://redd.it/1krubzb
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I found my husband hanging from a rope in our bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "**I can't stand the critism anymore.**"
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and thank God he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
https://redd.it/1krrmqu
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I asked 100 women about the shampoo they use in the shower
The number one answer by far was, "who are you; get out of my bathroom"
https://redd.it/1krgmsz
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Drunk but Clever
A drunk gets home at four in the morning, looks at the clock, and says:
“Shiiit… my wife’s gonna kill me.”
Before heading to the bedroom, he sets the clock back to midnight. Drunk, but clever.
He walks into the bedroom, and his partner, who’s been waiting for him, says:
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“You’re drunk.”
“Yeah, so?”
“And what time do you think it is, huh?”
“Early! It’s midnight, look.”
He shows her the clock. She checks the time and says:
“Oh... you’re right.”
She goes back to bed.
And he, feeling proud and cozy, thinks to himself:
“Pulled it off. I’m safe.”
A little while later he wakes up and says:
“Babe...”
“What do you want?”
“Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“Okay…” she says, quietly resigned.
She gets up and heads to the kitchen. But when she sees the clock there, she realizes it’s actually four in the morning.
She storms back into the bedroom and says:
“Hey!”
“What?”
“It’s four in the freakin’ morning!”
And the drunk goes:
“What?! You’ve got no shame? Four damn hours just to get a glass of water?! Shit!”
https://redd.it/1kr75lh
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts! This is more than your average blowjob
https://redd.it/1kr1kw1
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A little boy went to his dad, who was working in the yard.
He asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?"
His father was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he is old enough to ask, then he is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell him all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, his young son looked at him with his mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" His father asked him.
The boy replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
https://redd.it/1kqvy0x
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This young guy goes to a whorehouse on his birthday.
He walks in and the madam asks him how old he is, and he replies that it's his 16th birthday. She tells him that he's not old enough and to come back when he's 18, and to start practicing by fucking squirrel holes. So, this guy starts banging squirrel holes all summer, all winter, and gets really good at it. He returns to the whorehouse on his 17th birthday, thinking she won't recognize him, or care, because he looks much older now. The madam asks him again how old he is, he replies 17. She told him not to come back until he's 18 and to keep fucking squirrel holes for practice. He puts his heart and soul into fucking squirrel holes for another year and returns to the whorehouse on his 18th birthday. The madam tells him to go upstairs to room 6, her name is Cindy. About three minutes later Cindy starts screaming for help. The madam runs upstairs and kicks the door in and sees the birthday boy with a broomstick in his hand. She asks him what the hell he's doing, and he says "I'm checking these damn holes for squirrels first"
https://redd.it/1kqkbek
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