1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Lady with 3 vaginas
A lady visits her doctor and is asked to sit on his table and explain to him what the problem seems to be. The doctor is shocked when instead of just telling him, she pulls up her skirt to reveal that she has 3 vaginas - the normal one and then one either side. The doctor is flabbergasted and tells her he's never seen anything of the sort in all his years in the profession. Annoyed, the lady suggests the doctor stops staring and offer some advise. The doctor swiftly swings around on his chair, grabs some selotape and proceeds to tape over each of the vaginas either side of the normal one. The woman, now completely perplexed, says to the doctor "what is this, some kind of magic tape? Will it make the extra vaginas dissappear?"
The doctors says "no, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center!"
https://redd.it/1lkj32a
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I was digging in the backyard and I found gold. I ran inside to tell my wife
But then I remembered why I was digging in the first place
https://redd.it/1lkcq3p
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A woman has an appointment with the pastor.
When she arrives at the house she sees through the kitchen window how the housekeeper is giving a handjob to the pastor.
She rings, and after a while he opens the door, still heated and disheveled.
"Oh, Mrs. Miller, sorry you had to wait. And please excuse my condition, my housekeeper just served me a heavy prank!"
"Yeah" she says "i saw it, through the prindow."
https://redd.it/1ljppjp
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What a country! If they find gold or oil in my backyard, it belongs to the state!
But if they find marijuana, then it's mine??
https://redd.it/1ljfhwl
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Chronic masturbators must hate golf.
Their score is better the less strokes they take.
https://redd.it/1ljrnz1
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At my check-up, the very elderly doctor looked at my chart and said, “Ah, April 18… we share a birthday. Fellow Capricorns!” I said, “Uh, Doc, you meant Aries.”
He nodded and said, “Ah yes, I love those. Especially the crime ones on Netflix!”
https://redd.it/1lj8kb9
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"It was probably around 1962, in my bedroom, thinking about my best friend's mom"
Sorry Mr President, I said tell me about the West Bank...
https://redd.it/1lja8ir
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A Stoner finds a dirty old lantern and gives is a rub when suddenly a Genie appears out of the lantern.
The Stoner is surprised when the Genie thanks him for releasing him and says “I can grant you three wishes, what is your first wish”.
The Stoner says “I wish me and you could smoke nice fat joint” and like magic a beautiful joint appears and they both smoke it.
After they finish, the Genie asks “ok, what about wish number 2” to which the Stoner says “how about we smoke another joint” and like before another doobie magically appears and they both enjoy it.
The genie then asks “what do you want for your third and final wish” and the Stoner said “Let’s have another joint together” which they do and they enjoy smoking in the sun.
At the end of the last joint the Genie disappears back into the lantern leaving the Stoner alone.
Five minutes later, the Genie reappears out of the lantern and says to the Stoner “I can grant you three wishes, what is your first wish?”
https://redd.it/1lj2xjz
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A Pharoah asks his three priests to build him a tomb.
Each priest consults three stonemasons.
Each stonemason hires three overseers.
Each overseer enlists three laborers.
Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me...
https://redd.it/1livx3q
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A man with two black eyes walks into a bar
And asks the bartender for a strong drink. As he's making the drink, the bartender asks the man what happened.
"It was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I told her I bought her a car. She hit me once when I gave her Hot Wheels."
"That's horrible! Bu I have to ask, where did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I told her I actually did get her something silver and shiny that goes from 0-200 in 10 seconds flat, but she hit me with it when she unwrapped a bathroom scale."
https://redd.it/1lijilb
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A traveller once visited a small village in the countryside.
At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married.
"I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.
The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumour has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" exclaimed the traveller, but the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveller just had to check it out, so in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea.
After the traveller explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight."
"Please," begged the traveller, "Can you tell me your secret?"
"Well," said the old man, "It all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.' We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.' Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!' "My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.' "And we haven't had a fight since."
https://redd.it/1lia5zt
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An man from Alabama, his sister, his mother and his wife walk into a bar.
Both of them order a beer.
https://redd.it/1lhse1f
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A Texan on vacation in Ireland
was invited by his Irish friend over to his farm.
Texan: “How big is your farm?”
Irishman: “About 25 acres”
Texan: “My ranch is just a little bigger” he says tongue in cheek. “In fact it takes me about 5 hours to drive from one end to the other”
Irishman: “I used to have a truck like that”.
https://redd.it/1lhww62
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The police chief's son is taking his final exam in the Police Academy.
The examiner, terrified of his father, asks him:
"First question: What is 1 + 1?"
"Eleven!" yells the rookie.
"Well, the correct answer is 2, but there's a logic with which your answer is also correct, so let's say you passed. Name two days!"
"Yesterday and today!" comes the answer.
"I mean, we were thinking about the days of the week, but still, these answers are correct by a certain logic, so you passed. Last question: Who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
Silence, the rookie does not know the answer. The examiner says:
"So, since you had such good answers for the first two questions, go home, think about the question, and come here tomorrow with an answer."
The boy goes home, where his father asks:
"How did it go, did you pass?"
"Better yet, I already got a cold case assigned to me from Homicide."
https://redd.it/1lhwj20
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Little Johnny took a child to the barber shop.
He got his own hair cut, then told the barber, “You cut the kid’s hair—I’m just going to buy some vegetables.”
The barber gave the child a haircut, but Little Johnny never returned.
After a long wait, the barber asked the kid, “Where did your older brother go?”
The child replied, “He wasn’t my older brother.”
Barber: “Then who was he?”
Child: “I don’t know. I was just playing in the street when he came and said,
‘Come, I’ll get you a free haircut.’”
https://redd.it/1lhlrpx
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I just landed a part in an adult movie, and the leading lady is a real hottie!
I just have one line: "Bye, honey, I'm off to work now."
https://redd.it/1lkgft2
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Did you hear that Lorraina Bobbitt died in a car accident?
Some dick cut her off
https://redd.it/1lk8ghb
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"fuck, you are so tight..."
I whisper as I do my budget for the month
https://redd.it/1lk157u
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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
https://redd.it/1ljx1ke
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Buck was having a tough time with his pig farm
His pigs just weren't breeding. One day, his friend Chucky stopped by. After a quick chat, Chucky recommended, "This natural breeding thing doesn't work anymore! You have to try artificial insemination on the piglets. If it works, the next day they'll be rolling in the mud!"
Since Buck didn't know what artificial insemination was, the next day he loaded all the piglets into his Chevy and drove to the back of the farm, and for hours, he banged each one of them himself.
The next morning, he woke up and asked his wife, "Daisy, go see if the piglets are rolling in the mud!"
Daisy replied, "No, Buck, not rolling in the mud."
So Buck gathered all the piglets back into his Chevy and took them to the back of the farm again. He banged each one again, and the next day he asked Daisy if they were rolling in the mud. Daisy replied, "No, Buck, none of them are rolling in the mud."
Furious, Buck took all the piglets and put them back in the Chevy. At the back of the farm, he took a couple of Viagras and banged each one even harder, twice. Exhausted, he got home and fell asleep. The next day, he asked his wife if the piglets were rolling in the mud.
Daisy then replied, "They're not rolling in the mud, but they're all inside the Chevy, and one of them is honking the horn!"
https://redd.it/1ljg02i
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The grocery store boy asked me, “paper or plastic”. I told him I didn’t care and told him to choose for me. He said he couldn’t do that…
Baggers can’t be choosers.
https://redd.it/1ljglg6
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Why is it impossible to solve a redneck murder?
- DNA is all the same
- There are no dental records
https://redd.it/1lizczw
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A Priest, a Monk, and a Rabbit walk into a bar...
The bartender greets them as they sit down, and asks what they will each have to drink.
The Preist orders a glass of wine and says to the others with a smile, "Today after 50 years, I just held my last mass, and now I am officially retired."
The Monk orders a Saki, and says to the others, "Well today, after 55 years, I served my last day at the monastery, and I am officially retired as well."
The Rabbit slowly stands up, and looks around wide-eyed at everyone in the bar, and after after a deep breath exclaims, "Guys... I think I'm a fucking typo!"
https://redd.it/1lixhld
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A Man Is Up In Court, Charged With Assaulting His Best Friend With A Hammer
As the judge reads out the details of the case, a voice from the back of the court shouts out
‘You lousy bastard!’
The judge calls for order and goes on to read out the next charge ‘you are also accused of using the same weapon to strike your father across the head’
And the voice again booms out ‘You absolute scumbag’
The judge settles the court again and reads out the third and final charge ‘you are finally accused of using the offending item to break the legs of your brother.’
And the voice for a third bellows ‘you are a disgrace!!’
And the court clerk goes over to the man and hauls him out of his seat and brings him infront of the judge.
The judge says to him ‘Okay sir, I understand you are very disturbed and upset by this case, but you simply cannot disturb proceedings like this… do you know any of the victims personally?’
And the man points across the desk and says ‘No! But I’ve lived next door to him for 10 years, and anytime I asked him to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have one’
https://redd.it/1liiadh
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A Scotsman Walks Into A Bar While On Holiday In Canada
And he says to the barman ‘What is that thing there that you’ve got hanging from the wall?’
And the Canadian behind the bar says ‘That right there sir, is our prized possession, it’s a moose that was killed just over there in my very own back yard’
The Scotsman slams his beer down on the table in shock and says ‘My God! If that’s a moose then I would love to see the size of your cats’
https://redd.it/1lii466
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I asked my brother if he would tell me the Greek word for "knowledge"
He said "No, sis," which wasn't very helpful.
https://redd.it/1li9tcd
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Three wealthy brothers want to get the best birthday gifts for their elderly mother
The first brother says he's going to buy their mother a nice big house.
The second brother says that he's gonna buy their mother an expensive sports car.
The third brother tells them they have no imagination. And that he's spent the past year paying a small fortune to have a parrot trained in memorizing bible verses, because their mother loves the bible.
The mother's birthday comes and goes, and the three brothers all get the same email from their mother.
Mother "To my first son. The big house is nice, but I can hardly get up the stairs, and I have to keep the whole place clean myself."
"To my second son. The car is nice, but my eyes are so bad that I can't even drive anymore. So it just sits in the driveway."
"To my third son. You have given me the best gift of all. It was just what I wanted. Thank you son. The chicken was delicious."
https://redd.it/1lhvv68
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During a massive heatwave, an amusement park decided to have a "Beat the Heat" event
The organizers invited all of the local food trucks and restaurants to come and serve speciality cold drinks. So, on one particularly hot day, a dad takes his son to see what was happening. When they get to the park they find massive throngs of people in shaded areas enjoying enjoying their drinks inbetween rides. The son points to a snow cone stand and says:
"Daddy, daddy, can we get snow cones?"
"Absolutely!" The father replies, already sweating.
So, the two of them wait, and surprisingly quickly get their snow cones. After enjoying the sweet treats, the two of them go on a couple rides. Once again, the father is sweating up a storm, and is thankful when his son points to a wildly coloured lemonade truck and says:
"Daddy, Daddy, can we get a drink from that truck?"
"Most definitely!" The father again replies.
The duo quickly join the line, and in no time are enjoying some delicious lemonade. No longer dehydrated, they once again go on some rides and even visit the small petting zoo portion. After being around the smells of the animals, coupled with the beating heat of the afternoon, the son once again points, this time to a Hawaiian themed truck and says:
"Daddy, Daddy, can we see what drinks they're selling?"
"Yes we can, my boy!" The father replies.
When they get closer to the truck, they notice just how many people are waiting for their drinks. The father asks different groups if they are waiting for their drinks, or if they are ordering. He continues to get varying replies and soon finds himself wandering further and further away from the tropical truck. As they almost reach the entrance, the father still hasn't found where the final person waiting to order is. Pouring sweat, he loses hope and takes his son to grab some water bottles and make their way home.
Once they arrive at home, his wife asks how their day was. The son responds that it was great, with the exception of the end. When she asks what happened, the father replies:
"It was all going great, but at the end the punch line was too long and convoluted."
https://redd.it/1lhvoyj
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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.
But I have to say, her bird collecting has gone far enough
https://redd.it/1lhqq32
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An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas.
He decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she told him.
Somewhat offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam informed him.
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."
https://redd.it/1lhijdj
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