1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A couple in their nineties were both having memory problems.
During a check-up, the doctor said they were physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help with their forgetfulness.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Yes, a bowl of ice cream,” she replies.
“Sure,” he says, heading to the kitchen.
“Don’t you think you should write it down?” she asks sweetly.
“No need,” he replies. “I can remember that.”
“Well, I’d like strawberries on top, too. Maybe write it down?”
“I got it,” he says. “Ice cream with strawberries.”
“And whipped cream,” she adds. “Please write it down!”
“I don’t need to write it down! Ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream!” he shouts from the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he shuffles back with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at it and says,
“So… where’s the toast?!”
https://redd.it/1lupncm
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Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I’d been shopping with my friends all day and figured he was upset I was running a bit late — but he didn’t say a word about it.
The conversation was flat so I suggested we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed… but still said very little.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said, “Nothing.”
I asked if it was my fault.
He said, “No, don’t worry about it.”
On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly and just kept driving. When we got home, he sat and watched TV silently. I felt like I’d lost him. He seemed so far away.
Eventually, I went to bed, feeling broken.
About 15 minutes later, he came in and fell asleep right away.
I lay there crying , convinced his thoughts were with someone else.
My life felt like a disaster.
His diary:
“A two-foot putt! Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?!”
Edit: corrected two-feet putt to two-foot putt.
https://redd.it/1lug7xy
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A man stops off at a bar after work
He'd had a long day and wanted a quick drink before going home. As he walks up to the bar, it dawns on him. He's in a gay bar!
Not a problem, he'll just get his drink and head home. He flags down the bartender, who ask, "What's your nickname?"
"What?"
"It's the rules. Everyone who drinks here has to have a nickname."
"But I've never been here before!" the man argues.
"Doesn't matter. No nickname, no drink." The bartender moves on to other customers.
The man looks at the customer on his left. "Do you have a nickname?"
"I'm Timex," the customer says.
"Timex?"
"Yeah, I take a licking and keep on ticking!"
The man thinks about it and decides, nah. He turns to the customer on his right. "Do you have a nickname?"
"I'm Folgers," the customer says.
"Folgers?"
Yep, I'm good to the last drop!"
The man thinks about it and decides again, nah. He sits for several minutes before getting the bartender's attention.
"Do you have a nickname?" the bartender ask.
"Yes," the man responds. "I'm Secret."
"Secret?" the bartender asks.
The man nods. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
https://redd.it/1luas9k
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A long time ago, in a quaint little village, there was a yearly tradition.
The people of the village, who were usually very polite and God-fearing, would, for one day, participate in a competition to see who was the best "swearer".
Once a year, everyone gathered in the village square to watch their fellow villagers go one by one on the little dais and try to come up with the most foul and creative curses in as flowing and natural a manner as possible.
This year wasn't going so well, unfortunately.
While some people were pretty creative, no one really impressed the village with their profanity. They'd heard variations of it all before.
It was late in the afternoon, and all the promising talents had already gone up. It came time for lesser talents, and Pete was known to have some good swears on occasion, so he was called to step up.
His name was called several times, but he wasn't answering. Eventually, after a few minutes, they heard the door to the outhouse slam and Pete ran up to the stage, and as he arrived he had already begun a flow of profanity, such nasty cursing, that everyone took a step back.
He was jumping up and down and saying such things that even hardened, experienced old men recoiled in shock at this incredible tirade of pure verbal filth. Eventually the flow of curses ebbed.
The villagers all stared at him, amazed into silence.
"Alright," said Pete with a grin, "Got that darn zipper up, now it's time for the swearing!"
https://redd.it/1ltoqiz
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A man gets called to the hospital where his wife has been laying in a coma for a few months...
The doctors pull the husband aside and say,
"Your wife’s been unresponsive for months… but we’ve noticed something unusual. During sponge baths, her brain activity spikes whenever we clean... a certain area."
The husband looks confused.
The doctor clears his throat.
"That area. Down there. So, after careful review, we’d like to try something experimental. We think oral sex might stimulate her brain enough to bring her out of the coma."
The husband is stunned. "You’re serious?"
"Yes," the doctor nods. "And don’t worry — you’ll have complete privacy. We’ll be right outside."
Still unsure, the husband agrees.
A few minutes pass.
Then suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines — a long, steady beeeeeep.
The doctor and nurse rush in.
"What happened?!"
The husband, pulling up his pants, eyes wide in panic:
"I think… I think she choked."
https://redd.it/1lts8gj
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NSFW: What's the most sensitive part of your body when your rubbing one out?
Your ears
https://redd.it/1lteugp
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A cannibal says to his friend, "I've been feeling so nauseous lately."
"Must've been somebody you ate."
"I think you're right."
"Who you eating these days?"
"Well, you know. Missionaries."
"How do you cook 'em?"
"Just boil them with some carrots and onions and a bay leaf or two."
"Describe these missionaries."
"Well, they wear sandals and brown robes, and they have bald heads with little tufts of hair on the sides."
"That's the problem. You're cooking 'em wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's obvious. Those are friars."
https://redd.it/1ltdnhx
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I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.
https://redd.it/1lt1meq
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The good news about erectile dysfunction is that it can be cured by diet and exercise.
The bad news is trying to get your wife to diet and exercise.
https://redd.it/1lstjvo
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A dog owner is with his dog in a park
He says "Rex, how many ducks are in the pond?" Rex runs to the pond, comes back and barks 4 times. Some guy watching this goes to the pond and sees there's 4 ducks.
The guy returns and says "that was just a fluke."
"No it wasn't," the dog owner says. "Rex how many ducks are in the pond now?" Rex runs to the pond returns and barks 7 times. They go to the pond and sure enough there's 7 ducks.
"That's the smartest dog I've ever seen," the guy says. "I'll give you $500 for him."
"He's not for sale," the owner says. "$1,000". "Still not for sale," the owner replies. The guy says "$25,000 cash." Reluctantly the owner agrees.
The next day the new owner takes the dog and a friend to the park. "This is the smartest dog in the world, watch. Rex, how many ducks are in the pond?" he commands.
Rex runs to the pond, grabs a stick, shakes it in his mouth while humping the guys leg and drops the stick.
"Some smart dog," the friend laughs.
"No we'll try again the new owner says. Rex, how many ducks are in the pond?" he commands.
Rex runs to the pond, grabs a stick, shakes it in his mouth while humping the guys leg and drops the stick.
"Get out of here," the guy yells at Rex. "I never want to see you again," and with that he starts kicking at Rex and shoos him away to fend for himself.
Later that day he goes to Rex's original owner and says "you sure took me for a sucker you bastard. Your dog embarassed me so I got rid of him."
"What happened?" the old owner asked. So the new owner said "I asked him how many ducks were in the pond and he ran to the pond, grabbed a stick, shook it in his mouth while humping my leg and then dropped the stick."
"You idiot," the original owner said. "Rex was telling you there were more ducks in the pond than you can shake a fucking stick at."
https://redd.it/1lsnk5v
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A man received the following text from his neighbor.
“I am so sorry, Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I’ve been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I don’t get it at home, but that’s no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
Bob, in complete shock, didn’t know what to do...
A few moments later, a second text came in:
“Damn spell check! I meant Wi-Fi!”
https://redd.it/1lske9o
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An Australian, an American and a British man are on a golfcourse...
They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.
'Terribly sorry,' says the Brit but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.
The other two are pretty impressed and the Brit shrugs modestly.
'State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff.'
They get set to resume but another phone goes off.
'Ugh, sorry guys,' says the American but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.
When he's finished the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.
'No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A.'
Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a high pitched, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.
The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, trousers around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.
'What the hell...' one of them says but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.
'Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..'
https://redd.it/1ls2ec2
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car accident
While driving, I swerved to avoid a dog, lost control, and fell into a ditch.
As I crawled out, all dirty and scratched, a beautiful woman stopped her car and asked, “Are you okay?”
“I think so,” I said, trying to stand up.
“Come on,” she said. “My house is nearby. I’m a nurse — I’ll clean you up and check if you’re hurt.”
I said, “That’s really nice, but my wife won’t be happy if I go with you.”
She smiled and said, “Relax. We’ll just make sure you’re okay.”
She was super nice (and honestly, very pretty), so I went. She cleaned my cuts, gave me some juice — best juice I’ve ever had.
But I kept saying, “My wife’s gonna be so mad…”
She laughed, “Don’t worry, she’s at home, right?”
“Uh… no. I think she’s still in the ditch.”
https://redd.it/1ls4m0i
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So this woman was reading about how bathing in milk helps the skin.
So this woman was reading about how bathing in milk helps the skin. So, the next time she got milk, she placed an order for 25 gallons.
The guy taking her order felt like this was a typo.
“Excuse me miss, did you happen to mean 2.5 gallons?”
She replies, “That is the correct amount. I want to bathe in the milk to help my skin”
The milkman asks, “Oh ok. Would you like it pasteurized?”
“No, just up to my tits”
https://redd.it/1lryr0w
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A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3 AM
The man got up and found a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” said the husband. “It’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slammed the door and went back to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he replied.
“Did you help him?” she asked.
“No, it’s 3 AM and pouring rain!” he grumbled.
“Well, you have a short memory,” said his wife. “Don’t you remember a few months ago when our car broke down and two strangers helped us? You should be ashamed. God loves drunk people too, you know!”
Feeling guilty, the man got dressed and went back out into the rain.
He called into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” came the reply.
“Do you still need a push?” asked the husband.
“Yes, please!” replied the voice.
“Where are you?” asked the man.
“I’m over here… on the swing!”
https://redd.it/1lroisk
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Boy visits the priest...
And asks him, "Father, is it okay to look at naked women".
The priest smiles "Yes it is totally normal for people to look at naked people, dont worry about it too much."
"But is it okay to watch porn?" asks the boy.
The priest nods "It is.. Now go home and stop asking these questions."
The boy stands up and asks "But, what then is not okay to look at?
"Welding." Says the priest.
https://redd.it/1lua53t
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A gynecologist noticed his new patient was a little nervous.
While putting on his latex gloves, he asked, “Do you know how they make these?”
She said, “No.”
He replied, “There’s a factory in Mexico where people of all hand sizes dip their hands in latex… then let them dry.”
She didn’t even smile… then suddenly burst out laughing.
The doctor asked, “What’s so funny?”
She said, “I’m just imagining how they make condoms!”
https://redd.it/1lueje9
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How is virginity just like a bubble?
One prick and it's gone forever.
https://redd.it/1ltw8f4
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A husband and wife were grocery shopping.
He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping. Later, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.
“What are you doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
He said, “So does 24 cans of beer, and it’s half the price.”
https://redd.it/1ltsql9
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Lie detecting robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok. We were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
https://redd.it/1lt84mf
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On his birthday, an old guy is going around the nursing home, entertaining himself by saying, "Guess how old I am! Guess how old I am!"
"I don;t know, 81? 82?"
"Nope! Nope! I'm 95!"
He approaches an old lady sitting by herself in the hall, and says, "Guess how old I am!"
"OK." She unzips the zipper on his pants, reaches in, feels around for awhile, and says, "I'd say you're about...95. Yep. I'd say you're about 95."
"That's amazing! How'd you know?"
"I heard you telling that guy."
https://redd.it/1ltdft2
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My wife was complaining that the vac was making a terrible whining noise and wasn't sucking,
"Any idea what's wrong with it?" she asked.
"Yeah," I replied, "it probably got married. "
I guess sleeping on the sofa today
https://redd.it/1lt6o0w
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After having a few glasses of wine at lunch, two elderly women were driving home in a large car.
Being short, like many elderly women are, both of them could barely see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The light was red... but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A few minutes later - another red light. And again, right through it.
Now nervous, the passenger sat up straighter and paid close attention.
At the next red light, they again drove right on through!
She turned to her friend and said,
“Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?! You could have killed us!”
Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez, am I driving?”
https://redd.it/1lsw45j
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My boyfriend said he doesn't feel anything sexually and asked me for help.
I said, "What can I do? I'm just a computer engineer." "Oh, come on," he said, "you can try." "Okay," I said. So I slowly unbuttoned myself, removed my bra and shirt, and started unzipping. He was starting to get turned on... and then I immediately stopped. "WTF?" he said. "Just trying to turn you off and on again," I replied.
https://redd.it/1lstnn9
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One Sunday, while counting the offering, the Pastor of a small church noticed a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week... and again the next!
Finally, curious, he watched the collection plate and spotted an elderly woman placing the pink envelope. Week after week, the same routine.
Overcome by curiosity, the Pastor approached her and said, "Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice you give $1,000 every week. That’s so generous!"
She smiled and said, "Every week my son sends me money, and I give some to the church."
He replied, "That’s wonderful! But $1,000 is a lot... are you sure you can afford it? How much does your son send you?"
"$10,000 a week," she answered.
Amazed, the Pastor said, "Your son must be very successful! What does he do?"
She answered proudly, "He's a veterinarian."
The Pastor nodded. "That’s an honorable profession! But I didn’t realize they made that much money. Where does he practice?"
With a twinkle in her eye, she replied,
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
https://redd.it/1lskidb
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How does princess Leia get off during sex?
A hand solo
https://redd.it/1lseu7c
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Putin joke
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
https://redd.it/1ls8zf4
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Lately all I’ve wanted to do is golf and masturbate.
I’ve been thinking about it one stroke at a time.
https://redd.it/1lrv4jm
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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"
https://redd.it/1lrpr7s
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A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like "Honda!"
This puzzles him, so he does it again. "Honda!"
He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out. When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!) the doctor says "Don't worry; I've seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left and see the dentist."
"Dentist!" says the man. "This has nothing to do with my teeth!"
The doctor says "Trust me; I've seen this before." So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!)
The dentist says that he's seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair. He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. "Look, this tooth was rotten." The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal!
He says "This is insane. How do you explain this?"
The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
https://redd.it/1lro9z6
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