1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
https://redd.it/1lxef5y
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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.
She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, she realizes that pictures of her mother's *left* foot, taken in a mirror, were sent instead. Unsure of the importance but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest. She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
"Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated--"
"AH! You're Mary's daughter?" the man says, blocking the door slightly. "Yes, yes, she was a magnificent woman!"
"Yeah, well, in her will it said that you requested pictures of her right foot," she says, pulling out a photo packet. "We sent you photos of her left. These are the correct ones. "
"Oh!" the man says, carefully taking them. "Thank you so, so much. She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory--"
The woman puts her hand up. "What's that sound...?"
Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room. There, projected on the wall, is the picture of her mother's foot...and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?!"
"Look," he says. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here...."
https://redd.it/1lxbxb0
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A redneck tells his buddy, "I got my COVID test results today, it says 50. I don't know what that means."
"Also... my IQ test came back positive."
https://redd.it/1lxeh9q
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A librarian is woken up in the middle of the night by a phone call.
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered. "9 am," he said, "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until 9 am?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
"No, not until 9 am! You can't get in by then so you'll just have to wait!"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
https://redd.it/1lx7cu2
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Jim my husband and I went into town and visited a shop.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Jim my husband and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole”.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Jim called him "ass hat”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
https://redd.it/1lwtsro
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[NSFW]People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"
Clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground
https://redd.it/1lwsaq5
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My husband and i have a secret to making our marriage last.
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat nice food, and enjoy a good conversation. We really make a night of it. He goes on Tuesdays and I go Friday.
https://redd.it/1lwjcf8
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Two caterpillars are trying to escape from a pursuing spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
https://redd.it/1lw1z3f
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Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been with a loose girl.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I can’t say."
"Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I promised not to tell."
"Nina Capelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Cathy Piriano?"
"I’m really sorry, Father. I can’t."
"Rosa DiAngelo?"
"I’m not saying."
The priest sighed. "Well, Joey, I admire your honesty and loyalty, but you’ll have to take a little break from altar boy duties - four months."
Joey returned to his pew. His friend Franco leaned over and whispered,
"What’d you get?"
Joey grinned. "Four months off… and five great leads."
https://redd.it/1lw704m
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Had to throw out my carbon monoxide detector today.
All that beeping was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
https://redd.it/1lvuc04
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was.
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny - but everyone else laughed, so clearly someone was wrong.
My parents always told me to be honest... and fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad, and he said my teacher was probably with PETA - because they really love animals.
I told him I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened - he laughed and told me not to do it again.
Next day, she asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I said chicken again.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you can make them into fried chicken.”
Back to the principal’s office. He laughed again. Still told me not to do it again.
I’m confused. I’m being honest - like I was raised to be!
Then today, she asked who my favorite famous person was.
I said, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now?
https://redd.it/1lvmbu1
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My wife started doing black magic on dolls. I said, “This is nonsense.”
She handed me one and said, “Whatever you do to it, you’ll feel on yourself — same force, same spot.” I punched the doll in the face. A second later, I felt a jab on my own jaw.
I kicked it — my knee buckled.Then I started fucking the doll… and felt absolutely nothing.
I looked at her and said, “It’s not working now.”
She smiled and said, “Now you know how I feel.”
https://redd.it/1lvijqi
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People are now talking about the missing minute from the security camera.
Alot can happen in just a minute. Just ask Stormy Daniels.
https://redd.it/1lv6opk
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A man is trying to remember the name of a restaurant from his childhood, so he visits his elderly father.
After a few seconds of quiet thinking, his father says, "What's the name of that beautiful flower with the thorns? The kind that are all over on Valentines Day."
"A rose?" his son ventures.
"Yes, that's it!"
His father turns his head and shouts-
"Hey, Rose! Do you remember the name of that restaurant we went to in the country?"
https://redd.it/1lurem9
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"What do you want for birthday?" My girlfriend asked
"Anal Sex."
"Haha, nice try, tell me something I can buy for you."
"Ok then, Anal sex with a prostitute."
https://redd.it/1luq3yj
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How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
Do you call them and say you can’t come?
No, they are like loan sharks, you miss a deposit and they beat it out of you.
1st submitted joke
https://redd.it/1lxofkl
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I need tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
How do I soften the blow?
https://redd.it/1lxlbgi
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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?
Ass skin for a friend
https://redd.it/1lx5tu7
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A cop is driving down the street when he sees a woman walking toward him with her right breast hanging out of her shirt.
The cop pulls over and says to her, “Ma’am, don’t you realize that I can cite you for indecent exposure?”
The woman, incredulous, replies, “Why on Earth would you do that?”
Cop says, “Because your right boob is hanging out, fully exposed.”
Woman exclaims, “Oh sh*t! I left my baby on the bus!”
https://redd.it/1lwy3l9
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A woman with small boobies buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop.
A woman with small boobies buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.
The next morning, she playfully says,"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobies size 44."
There is a flash of light, and her boobies grow to enormous proportions.
She runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both return.
The husband crosses his fingers and says,"Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."
There's a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off...
https://redd.it/1lwthgf
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A drunk man is refused service at a bar, so he tries to sneak in through different doors
Each time, the bartender recognizes him and refuses to serve him. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself down on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will not be served a drink, and either the cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, “Man, how many bars do you work at?!”
https://redd.it/1lwnhpg
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Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
https://redd.it/1lwfhzw
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When we were first married my wife had the body of a supermodel
After a few weeks convinced her to bury it.
https://redd.it/1lw7n77
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A boy tells his father: "Dad, I have such a strong desire to live forever. What should I do?"
The dad responds: "Get married."
Boy: "Really? Does that make you live forever?"
Dad: "No, it'll make that desire go away."
https://redd.it/1lvz0o2
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A young family moved into the house next door to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew showed up to build a home on it.
Their 5-year-old daughter was fascinated and spent every day watching the crew work. Eventually, the rough-and-ready workers adopted her as a little mascot. They chatted with her, shared lunch breaks, and even gave her small jobs to make her feel included.
At the end of the week, they handed her a little pay envelope with a couple of dollars. Her mom was so proud and took her to the bank to start a savings account.
The teller, impressed, asked how she earned her paycheck.
The little girl said proudly, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door.”
The teller smiled and asked, “Will you be working there again this week?”
She replied, “I will - if those lazy b*stards at Home Depot ever deliver the f*cking sand and cement.”
https://redd.it/1lvmeuo
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After sex last night my girlfriend said “your easily the biggest I've ever had.”.
Apparently “ditto” wasn't the correct response!
https://redd.it/1lvk84y
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An Irish man walks into a bar
He sits down and says “three Irish whiskeys please”. The bartender serves him the three Irish whiskeys as requested.
A week later the same Irish man enters the bar and orders the same three Irish whiskeys and the same bartender served him the whiskeys.
For several weeks, the same Irish man would enter the bar every week ordering the same whiskeys and the same bartender served him. But one week, the bartender said “hey, how about I just pour all three servings of whiskey into one giant glass for you?” The Irish man said “ohhhh, I appreciate the thought. But no, you see…I have two brothers back in Ireland who I miss very dearly. So when I have my three glasses of Irish whiskey, it feels like the three of us are enjoying whiskey like the good times.” The bartender replied, “okay, I understand” and poured three whiskeys as usual.
This continued for a few more weeks. Then the Irish man returned to the bar and said, “only two whiskeys this time, me lad”. The bartender said, “uh oh. Did something happen to one of your brothers?” The Irish man said “ohhhhhh no, I just quit drinking”.
https://redd.it/1lv8esh
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The husband leans over and asks his wife...
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we made whoopee, over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern, you leaned against the back fence… and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says with a smile, “I remember it well.”
“Well then,” he grins, “How about we stroll down there again… for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil — that sounds crazy, but also like a great idea!”
A nearby police officer overhears them and thinks, "I’ve got to see these two old-timers making whoopee behind a fence!”. So, he quietly follows them.
The couple slowly shuffles down the road, leaning on each other and their walking sticks.
They reach the back of the tavern.
She lifts her skirt, he drops his trousers, and they get into position.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most passionate display the officer has ever seen — moaning, groaning, and holding on for dear life.
Ten intense minutes later, they collapse to the ground, gasping for air.
The officer, in shock, waits as they recover for a good half hour.
Eventually, the couple gets dressed and begins to shuffle past him.
He can’t resist asking: “Excuse me… but that was incredible! What’s your secret to keeping the passion alive at your age?”
The old man, still trembling, replies:
“Son… fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence!”
https://redd.it/1lv9f51
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One year, for my birthday, my dad took me to one of those restaurants where kids under 10 eat for free.
Right before we walked in, he goes, 'Remember. You're 9 today.'
I panicked.
Ten seconds later, the hostess asks, 'And how old are you, birthday boy?'
I blurted out, 'Twelve!'
My dad was so mad.
Worst 18th birthday ever.
https://redd.it/1luwfer
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What did the porn star have for lunch?
Five Guys!
https://redd.it/1luqiy2
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