1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Did you hear about the bird that won a race while wearing lingerie?
It was victorious egret.
https://redd.it/1qsm1u2
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I was just heading out to the shops when my wife asked if I could do one or two things.
"Sure," I said, "what do you need?"
"We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?"
"Yes, no problem. Anything else?"
"Oh, and I need a reel of elastic for the mending I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking -- oh, peas. I want peas as well as cauliflower. All OK?"
"Yes, sure."
"And," she added, "you're running low on those chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy."
"Right," I said, "so that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
https://redd.it/1qr2fei
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A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
"Well, it’s not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
https://redd.it/1qr2vng
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Coke and Pepsi got married.
They wanted a baby. They tried, and tried, but no luck.
Finally, desperate, they went to Dr. Pepper. The Doctor examined them and said:
\- Sorry, but I am afraid there is nothing I can do. The problem is that you are both pops.
https://redd.it/1qqjmwe
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"How was your golf game today, dear?" asks Jack's wife. Jack says, "I'm gonna have to quit the game. I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's so bad I couldn't see where the ball went. I lost a dozen balls!"
"Well," says his wife, "why don't you take my brother Harold next time?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf," says Jack.
"But Harold has perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, and he'd enjoy riding in the cart."
So the next day Jack tees off with Harold looking on. Jack swings, and the ball disappears down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asks Jack.
"Yup," says Harold.
"Well, where is it?" asks Jack.
And Harold says, "I forgot."
https://redd.it/1qlrs5n
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Wife visits doctor
A wife walked through the living room, humming a joyful tune.
“You seem happy,” said her husband.
“Went to the doctor today and he said for 45, I have the breasts of a 21 year old,” she responded with a smile.
“What did your doctor say about you 45 year old ass,” the husband snickered.
“Oh, no worries dear,” she replied. “Your name never came up in the discussion”
https://redd.it/1qla68d
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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
“No,” the mans says, “but my wife out in the car still does!"
https://redd.it/1qkrk6e
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Karate dog
A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.
He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"
The owner replies, "it's actually a one of a kind dog. It's a karate dog! You say it's name and what you want it to attack and does a bunch of karate moves on it."
Confused and a little skeptical, the man tries it out. "Karate dog, the crate!" The dog bursts through the crate with lighting speed and intensity.
"Wow," says the man. Amused at the man's excitement, the shop owner partakes and says "karate dog, that table!" The dog dashes and leaps into the air, crushing the table with one blow." Excitedly, the man purchases his new incredible pet, puts him in the front seat of his car, and speeds home.
A police officer pulls him over, and taps on the glass. "Do you know were speeding?"
"Yes officer, I'm sorry. It's just that I bought this incredible new karate dog!" The man begins to ramble on about how incredible the dog is.
The officer cuts him off. "I've heard a lot of nonsense over the years, but this is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard."
"No, really. Officer I swear-"
"License and registration son! Enough of this nonsense.
"But officer the karate dog.. you have to believe-"
"I said enough! Karate dog my ass!"
https://redd.it/1qkgy97
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A noted doctor buys the fastest car on the market,
a new Ferrari SF-90. With its custom features, it's the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him nearly all he was worth.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, sitting on a moped, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replied, "A Ferrari SF-90," he said smugly. "Costs more than most people make in a lifetime," he said just to be a shit.
"Must be a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then, the light changed, so the doctor decided to show the old man just what his car could do. He floored it, and within 3 seconds, the speedometer read 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors it and takes the Ferrari up to 175.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 185 Mph. VAROOOM! He's feeling good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old fart, he floors the gas pedal and takes the car as fast as it will go.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out; there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old guy and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:.... "Unhook ... My suspenders .... from your ...side view ... mirror."
https://redd.it/1qkbkpp
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What type of doctor was Dr Pepper?
Fizzician.
https://redd.it/1qk2kag
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My wife asked me "does this dress make me look fat?" She was very angry with my response.
I don't know why she's so upset. I was very polite and reassured her that the dress has nothing to do with it.
https://redd.it/1qjhpfz
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Drunk at the bar
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
https://redd.it/1qjlpjp
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In the beginning was the Plan.
And the Plan contained Assumptions,
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance,
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Directors went to the Board, saying unto them, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the Plan became Policy, and the Board saw that it was good.
But among the Workers was wailing and gnashing of teeth.
https://redd.it/1qejhe3
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Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"The President," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, the president spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
https://redd.it/1qdwady
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What do you call a Spanish guy wearing 🩴 thongs ?
FELIPPE FELLOPPE ...😁
https://redd.it/1qdfxrh
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Blonde is depressed and decides to end it
She goes into her garage, starts the car and rolls down the window and waits for inevitable. When the police finally shows up, they find her starved to death and the car at 18% charge.
https://redd.it/1qrjbh2
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A bartender wanted to open a whore house above his bar, so he asked his accountant if this would be a good business plan.
The accountant said, "don't do it; it's a terrible idea."
"Why?" asked the bartender.
And the accountant said, "Because there's too much fucking overhead."
https://redd.it/1qr6cgo
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Mr. and Mrs. Lee was overjoyed when their first child, a daughter, was born.
The doctor asked them what they planned to name her.
The couple said they wanted to name her a combination of their grandmothers’ names.
“My grandmother was called Nessa,” said Mr. Lee
“And my grandmother was called Sarah,” said Mrs. Lee.
The doctor asked Mr. Lee, being the father, if he wanted to put his grandmother’s name first.
Mr. Lee thought about it and said, “Not Nessa Sarah Lee.”
https://redd.it/1qqocxw
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After a night out at the pub
Against his wife's wishes, a man goes to the pub after work to watch the match with his friends. After putting one too many down, he drunkenly walks home.
When he gets home he tries to unlock the front door but finds it's been chain locked.
Frustrated, he starts banging until finally his wife comes. Through the door she yells "I told you not to go out drinking with the boys and ye did it anyways!"
He replies "ah c'mon, I havent even had a drink!"
She says back "don't lie, I know you have. It's either me or the pub!"
He says "It's you! I can tell by your voice!"
https://redd.it/1qqq9uk
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Yo Mama is so ugly
She lost the beauty contest in Monopoly.
https://redd.it/1qlj50b
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A husband and wife from Alabama are in a car accident. The wife dies at the scene and the man is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the man and says, "I can’t operate on this man. He is my husband." How can this be?
Answer: The man has two sisters.
https://redd.it/1qkx1o9
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Plumbing
"A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink, so he calls a plumber...
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyway.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade; they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples, and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th-grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school, they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class, so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong, so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute, he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,
"Switch the limits on the integral!""
https://redd.it/1qkm7bg
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A Saudi billionaire made a promise to God that he would give away all his wealth
He gave his investments to charity
He sold his houses and gave that money away as well
His jets, his cars, his yachts...gone and all the money given away
Finally he was left with what he started his wealth with, an Islamic bank
Months later, it didn't sell. He went to his agent and said "Sallah, why can't we sell this bank? It's the only thing keeping me from fulfilling my promise."
The agent, mournfully replied, "I've tried and tried but there's just no interest"
https://redd.it/1qkepld
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So a sixteen-year-old says, "Please, mom. I really want to buy a motorcycle."
His mom says, "Absolutely not. Under no circumstances are you are buying a motorcycle."
"Why not?" asks the kid.
And his mom says, "Because about twenty years ago your uncle Robert died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."
https://redd.it/1qk43of
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The company commander and the first sergeant were on the field exercises…
As they were readying to sleep after tough day, the first sergeant asked: “Sir, would you mind looking up into the sky and telling me what you see?”
The commander said: “I see millions of stars.”
Sgt: “And what does that tell you, sir?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you, Top?”
Sgt: “It tells me some bastard gone and snatched our tent, sir.”
https://redd.it/1qjrvv0
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What do you call a 3-some with 2 Vietnamese women?
A Nguyen-Nguyen situation
https://redd.it/1qjde4h
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During the WWII British general wanted to drop an elite squad behind the Japanese lines…
He asked a major to find him a meanest, toughest infantry squad he could. Naturally, major instantly thought about Gurkha…
Major explained the plan to the Gurkha sergeant major, saying: “We’ll drop you from 600 feet, and your objective will be to kill every enemy you can.”
The sergeant major talked to his troops, then went back to the major: “Sah, the men say killing everyone is good, but 600 feet too high. They want to be dropped lower.” The British major said: “All right, sergeant major, we’ll make it 500 feet.”
The sergeant major spoke to his troops again, and again went back to the major: “Sah, the men say 500 feet is still too high and want to be dropped lower.” The major said: “Sergeant major, pilot probably could go down to 400 feet to drop you but that wouldn’t leave enough time for the parachutes to open.”
Sergeant major: “Oh, we’ll be given parachutes???”
https://redd.it/1qj7psp
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A man tells his doctor: "Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I've finally been able to relax!"
The doctor responds: "Glad to hear. And you're only taking 1 per night, right?"
Man: "Oh, I'm not taking them. I've been giving them to my wife."
https://redd.it/1qe5htv
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Gus's mates.
Gus died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Billy Bob and Jim Bob, were called to the morgue. Billy Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Billy Bob said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad but I need you to roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Billy Bob looked and said "Nope, this ain't Gus."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Jim Bob in to identify the body.
Jim Bob took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Jim Bob looked down and said, "No, it ain't Gus."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Jim Bob said, "Well, Gus had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Gus with them two arseholes....'"
https://redd.it/1qdn7tj
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Blonde Joke
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts him yelling,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little fucker on your lap"
https://redd.it/1qdh957
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