1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
https://redd.it/1tgygle
@r_jokes
Everyone knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Cristiano Ronaldo?"
"No dramas boss, Ronaldo and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Portugal and knock on Cristiano Ronaldo's door, and Ronaldo says,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Ronaldo's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Ronaldo was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to New York," and off they go.
When they get there, Tyson spots Dave and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson's house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope" his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What the hell has happened here?"
His boss looks up and says, "I couldn't take it anymore... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, "who the fuck is that up there on the balcony with Dave?"
https://redd.it/1tgsohm
@r_jokes
When my friend said to me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and responded, “Well..."
"They were separated at birth!"
https://redd.it/1tgjn2x
@r_jokes
My dad always said the way to a woman's heart was...
Bring flowers, remember important dates, keep up your personal hygiene, be a snappy dresser, be liberal with the compliments, know what she really means when she says "I'm fine," always notice her new haircut, and when she asks if she looks okay, you say, "You look fantastic!"
But the way to a man's heart is, show up unexpectedly, naked under a trenchcoat, and bring beer.
https://redd.it/1tg561r
@r_jokes
I found out my algebra teacher was sleeping with one of his students
I should have guessed when he taught slope-intercept form with y = (1/2)x + 7
https://redd.it/1tg2urv
@r_jokes
A guy's wife says, "Don't bother denying it, you bastard. I just know you're having an affair with that Welsh tart from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
And the guy says, "How could you say such a thing?"
https://redd.it/1tfrlw1
@r_jokes
Its been 65 years, I'm solving this one, once and for all, put my name in the record books!
No one put food in the box, and no one has opened the box...
Schrödinger's cat is definitely dead!
Solved. Easy!
https://redd.it/1tfiyge
@r_jokes
why was the t rex killed by federales in mexico?
he was a small arms dealer
https://redd.it/1tf9ceb
@r_jokes
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
https://redd.it/1tf05ql
@r_jokes
It's dark in here
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears
a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man
replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts
off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.
https://redd.it/1tetur7
@r_jokes
Did you know that Monsters Inc. is a work of fiction?
You can tell because a rich guy commits crimes against children and actually get punished for it
https://redd.it/1teq8a9
@r_jokes
A professor arrives on the first day of the sex ed class and asks the class, "How many positions do you know?" A girl says, "Twelve."
The professor nods and gets ready to call on someone else when someone yells from the back row of the auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The professor looks over his thick glasses but can't make out who had spoken. He calls on a fellow who says, "Seven."
And once again from the very back the guy yells, "A hundred and one."
The professor then calls on a very shy lady in front, who says, "Only one, sir. The man on top and woman on the bottom."
And the voice from the back shouts, "A hundred and two!"
https://redd.it/1tehby4
@r_jokes
Two doctors were complaining about nurse Lucy, who is filling in because the hospital is so short-staffed. The first doctor says, "I told Lucy that Mr. Smith in room 310 was to get two pills at 10 o'clock. Instead she gave him 10 pills at 2 o'clock."
"Tell me about it," says the second doctor. "Mr. Miller in room 325 was supposed to get one injection at 6 o'clock, but Lucy gave him six injections at 1 o'clock."
Suddenly the doctors hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hallway. The first doctor says, "Oh no! I just realized I told Lucy to prick Mr. Johnson's boil!"
https://redd.it/1tdzmqt
@r_jokes
One of my favorite pun formats: A man dies, and, at the funeral, his widow asks if anyone would like to say a few words...
His friend stands up, and says:
"Black Friday Sales Event" "Thank you, that means a great deal"
"Ambulance" "Thank you, that was just what he needed"
"Being alive" "Thank you, he would have liked that"
"Muy Mucho" "Thank you, as a Spanish speaker, that would have meant a lot to him"
"Pulmonary artery" "Thank you, that touches my heart"
"Relocation" "Thank you, that's moving"
"Elevator" "Thank you, that's uplifting"
"Grandiloquent" "Thank you, that must have been difficult to say"
"Hole in the ground with water" "Thank you, I know you mean well"
"Bear spray" "Thank you, that brought tears to my eyes"
"9/11" "Thank you, I'll never forget that"
https://redd.it/1tdyxve
@r_jokes
What do you call a lesbian on fire?
LGBBQ
https://redd.it/1tdsfnu
@r_jokes
The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...
...except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
https://redd.it/1tgwlo8
@r_jokes
As a redneck truck driver is driving east he sees a truck driving west, and his CB crackles to life. "Hey, buddy, who are the two biggest morons in America?" says the other driver.
"I don't know," says the redneck.
The other driver says, "You and your brother!"
The redneck gets annoyed but the other driver tells him, "It's just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see."
So the redneck drives for a bit and sees another truck heading toward him. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, buddy, do you know who the two biggest morons in the world are?"
The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"
And the redneck says, "Me and my brother."
https://redd.it/1tgodal
@r_jokes
Did you know that a lion would never drink and drive.
But a Tiger Wood.
https://redd.it/1tgd1af
@r_jokes
A Chinese immigrant couple just got married.
On thier wedding night, the groom decided to ask his bride what she wanted to do first.
She thought about it, then excitedly said "69! I wanna try 69!".
Groom: "you want chicken with broccoli?"
https://redd.it/1tg8cho
@r_jokes
I asked my algebra teacher if I would ever use it when I grew up.
He said that I wouldn’t, but one of the smart kids might.
https://redd.it/1tfu72v
@r_jokes
Elvis Presley climbs out of the pool, fully clothed and completely soaked, for the fifth time that day.
Priscilla says, "Elvis, what's going on?"
Elvis replies, "I can't help falling in, love."
https://redd.it/1tfngiv
@r_jokes
Who was the cheesiest Batman?
Edam West
https://redd.it/1tfa5c7
@r_jokes
I went to the zoo and there was a baguette in a cage
The keeper said it was bread in captivity.
https://redd.it/1tf5fhn
@r_jokes
A woman goes into a brand-new department store
A woman goes into a brand-new department store called the “Husband Store,” where women can choose a husband from several floors.
There’s only one rule: once you go up a floor, you can’t go back down except to leave the building.
She enters and sees the sign for the first floor:
First Floor:
“These men have jobs.”
She thinks, Well, that’s better than some, and goes up.
Second Floor:
“These men have jobs and love children.”
“Okay, nice,” she says, “but I wonder what’s higher up.”
She goes to the third floor.
Third Floor:
“These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely handsome.”
“Wow,” she says, “but there are still more floors…”
Fourth floor:
These men have jobs, love children, are handsome, and help with housework.
She’s very tempted, but curiosity wins.
Fifth floor:
These men have jobs, love children, are handsome, help with housework, and are very wealthy.
She can barely resist now, but she sees there’s one final floor.
She goes to the sixth floor.
The sign reads:
\> “You are visitor #14,287,631 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to satisfy.”
As she’s leaving, she notices a second building across the street: the “Wife Store.”
It also has six floors.
The first floor sign says:
These women are attractive.
The second floor says:
These women are attractive and enjoy sex.
No man has ever been seen going above the second floor.
https://redd.it/1texckg
@r_jokes
A hillbilly couple is lying in bed
Otis turns to his wife and says “Fuck you”.
A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says “Fuck you”.
Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says “Fuck you” again to his wife.
This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun”.
https://redd.it/1tes1ky
@r_jokes
Three women got into a car accident
They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said “there is only one rule in heaven, don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through, entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.
“Holy duck!” One of them exclaimed.
They all tried their best not to step on one but the number of ducks were unreal, 2 days later, one of them stepped on a duck, the same saint appeared, brining along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said “your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity” and walked away.
2 weeks later a second woman also stepped on a duck, the same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.
The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful, she managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.
The woman was staring at her new man. The man said “what?” The woman said “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.” The man sighed and replied “well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck”
https://redd.it/1tenect
@r_jokes
A slice of apple pie is £2 in Jamaica, a slice of apple pie is £2.40 in the Bahamas and a slice of apple pie is £1.70 in Barbados.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
https://redd.it/1tedh9f
@r_jokes
The teacher asked the class to write down their thoughts on what power is.
Then she began reading them aloud.
"Power is when you do good!" - Okay, that's nice, Tammy.
"Power is when you do good and punish evil!" - Wonderful, Jessica!
"Power is when you have a lot of money and can sleep with any girl you want!" - Johnny! You’re writing nonsense again! Rewrite that right this instant!
Little Johnny starts rewriting it.
The teacher: "Well, are you done? Read it."
Little Johnny: "Power is the right and ability to impose one's own will, and destroy the dreams of others."
https://redd.it/1tdyq77
@r_jokes
I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." I grumbled, "Don't call me son. You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.
I didn't say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, "I'm sorry."
"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."
https://redd.it/1tdvs6u
@r_jokes
According to the Big Bang Theory, the whole universe used to be in a hot dense state.
Isn't it incredible that the entire universe used to be in Texas?
https://redd.it/1tdl5m4
@r_jokes