1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A husband and wife were trying to conceive without success.
They tried everything their doctor suggested and nothing seemed to work. Finally, after several months, the doctor said, “You know, why don’t you both take a break? Don’t think about conceiving, having babies, or anything. Maybe the stress in trying for a baby is making it difficult. Let’s wait for a couple of months and see what happens.”
While the couple were heartbroken to hear this, they understood the need for a break, and decided to stop focusing on it and hope nature would take its course.
Several months later, they found themselves back in the doctor’s office, and the doctor had great news: they were pregnant! “Well, it seems my suggestion worked! I’m so happy for the two of you!”
The wife positively beamed. “Absolutely, and I know exactly when it happened. Dave and I were having dinner and talking about our day when I dropped my napkin. I reached down to pick it up, and he did the same. Our hands touched, and it was like electricity flowed between us. I looked into his eyes, he looked into mine and, well, something came over us and we simply couldn’t stop ourselves from having a bit of fun right there on the table.”
The doctor chuckled. “Well, I am glad it happened without a problem.”
The husband turned slightly red. “Actually, there is one slight problem. We’re no longer allowed in Emilio’s Steakhouse anymore.”
https://redd.it/1duy7il
@r_jokes
Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear.
It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.
It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear
https://redd.it/1dufz7e
@r_jokes
The year is 2040. The first astronauts have landed on Mars. And in a cave they find a cave with a human skeleton and 4 words inscribed on the ship beside him.
"British East India Company"
https://redd.it/1dughds
@r_jokes
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
https://redd.it/1du9hm6
@r_jokes
A man was in the bedroom waiting for his wife in the shower as they both prepare for a night of intimacy.
While he was sitting naked on the side of the bed unwrapping his condom, his son Little Johhny suddenly opens the door and enters the room.
In an attempt to hide the condom and his exposed member, the dad bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What are you doing, dad?”
The dad quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Little Johnny replied, “What are you going to do, fuck him?”
https://redd.it/1du6eys
@r_jokes
What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
https://redd.it/1dtrdid
@r_jokes
A young man wakes up with a black eye after a night of drinks (Translated from German)
A young man wakes up with a black eye after a night of drinks.
He stumbles into the living room to ask his parents if they know what happened to him last night.
His father sits him down and says:
"Son, when you go out to drink and get absolutely shitfaced, that's ok, it happens."
"When you call me a fat, lazy bastard and your mother a stupid whore when we greet you, that's also ok, it happens, you were drunk after all and you didn't mean it."
"But when you take off your pants, shit on the rug, put salt sticks in it and yell "the hedgehog lives here now!", that goes a bit too far."
https://redd.it/1dtk1mh
@r_jokes
Married couple discussing erectile disfunction with a surgeon. "Well medication is not helping so we would have to operate. You have 3 options"
"We can do reconstruction of your pubococcygeus muscle.
Level 1 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a month. That costs £10,000.
Level 2 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a week. That costs £20,000.
Level 3 surgery will enable you to get 1 erection a day. That costs £30,000.
I'll pop out for some coffee give you both some time to decide next steps"
20 minutes later he came back to the office. "How you two getting on, decided yet?"
Husband. "Yes, we have decided to get a new kitchen"
https://redd.it/1dtkxud
@r_jokes
A man goes out drinking with his friends
The night gets a little wild, the man drinks way too much, blackouts for the rest of the night. The next morning he finds himself at home in his bed, raging headache, not a memory of what happened last night.
He makes his way downstairs and is horrified at what he sees. His car is crashed outside, the front door is knocked off its hinges, vomit is on the floor, and the TV is on the floor smashed. He makes his way to the kitchen and sees his wife, a big black eye on her, but strangely she seems to be... singing cheerfully? When his wife sees him, a huge smile appears across her face and she says "Morning my love! Breakfast will be ready soon! Get yourself cleaned up." and she returns to humming her tune.
The man is utterly confused, his wife should be furious at him. The man goes to his son and says "Son, do you know what happened last night?" to which his son replies: "Yeah, you crashed your car coming in, couldn't find your keys so you smashed the front door in, vomited all over yourself, you thought the TV was the dog sleeping in your bed so you threw it to the ground, and then you hit mom." The man is horrified, "I hit your mother!?" he says, guilt filling him over hurting her, how could she forgive a monster like him. "Yeah," says his son, "She tried taking off your vomit stained clothes and taking you to bed, you hit her across the face, and in a stupor said 'Get off me skank! See this ring? I'm happily married to the greatest woman' and then you passed out."
https://redd.it/1dt4ohi
@r_jokes
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute...
He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s £250.
He says, “ £250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy! “She says, “Honey, follow me" and takes him outside.
“See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world”
So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great.
It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a bl*wjob. She says "it’s £500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from bl*wjobs. I give the best bl*w jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing.
He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the p*ssy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”....
https://redd.it/1dt742g
@r_jokes
I was sitting in a bathroom stall doing my business, when suddenly the guy in the next stall...
asks “Hey man, how are you doing?"
A little confused I replied: “good, I guess.”
To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?"
Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: “Oh. I guess the same as you."
Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?"
A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......"
…before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."
https://redd.it/1dsxb9j
@r_jokes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
https://redd.it/1dsj7qs
@r_jokes
Freudian Slip
Two guys were at the bar drinking. One said I had a Freudian slip the other day. And his buddy said what's that? He said oh it's when you mean to say something, but something totally different and inappropriate else slips out. He said I was at the airport and I meant to ask for two tickets to Pittsburgh, instead I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh.
Ahhhhh said his buddy. I had something like that a few days ago. I meant to ask my wife what's for dinner, and I accidently said you fucking bitch you ruined my life
https://redd.it/1dsie3z
@r_jokes
If you thought the debate was bad...
You REALLY won't like the swimsuit competition!!!
https://redd.it/1ds34cp
@r_jokes
I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week
Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.
"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."
"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"
"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."
https://redd.it/1dry3rd
@r_jokes
A man with barely a penny to his name drunkenly walks into a brothel...
Mistress says "Welcome sir, what will you have?" He says "I only have but 5 cents". She goes "No problem, we have a dead hooker in the back, last door to the left". Around 10 minutes go by and she hears him leaving the room. "So, how was it?" she asked. "Amazing, truly! The only problem was that her nose kept running". The Mistress says "Oh, she must be full"
https://redd.it/1duvucw
@r_jokes
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
https://redd.it/1dupcby
@r_jokes
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.
“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
https://redd.it/1dufyb5
@r_jokes
I was playing fantasy football with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing fantasy football
https://redd.it/1du0ya7
@r_jokes
A charity collector knocks on the door of a wealthy man’s mansion.
The man opens the door, and the collector says, “Good afternoon, sir. I’m from the local charity. Our records show that you haven’t contributed anything to our cause, despite your apparent wealth. Would you be willing to make a donation to help those in need?”
The wealthy man looks at the collector and says, “Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who is struggling to pay her medical bills?”
The collector, looking concerned, replies, “No, sir, we didn’t know that.”
The man continues, “Do your records show that my brother lost his job and is drowning in debt?”
The collector, now even more concerned, says, “No, sir, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
The man goes on, “Do your records show that my sister is a single mother with three kids who can barely make ends meet?”
The collector, feeling sympathetic, responds, “No, sir, I had no idea your family was going through such tough times.”
The man then leans in and says, “Well, if I’m not giving them any money, what makes you think I’m going to give any to you?”
https://redd.it/1du1cxm
@r_jokes
Toughest Guy In The World
A popular boxing champion declared he was the toughest in the world and claimed he could not be knocked out by another person, no matter how many punches he took. To prove this he challenged 1,000 people to take turns punching him in the face without him blocking or dodging, and he was adamant he would never even lose his footing.
He asked the World Boxing Association to host and televise the event. Despite their initial hesitancy and Doctors advising against it, all the necessary permits, waivers, and insurance was signed and approved, and the event was given the green light. Broadcasters promoted it with non-stop wall-to-wall ads for weeks prior to the event. Madison Square Garden was booked and on the night of the event, it was sold out to capacity.
The challengers were gathered, gloved up, and took their place in line which snaked around the inside of the arena and out the door and down the block. The announcer got the crowd all riled up and excited and kicked things off with his trade mark phrase, "Let's get ready to rumblllllllllllllllllllllle!"
One by one the challengers climbed into the ring, approached the Champion and landed a punch on his face. They hit him in the jaw, in the nose, in the cheek, in the eyes, in the forehead - and each and every time he continued to shrug it off. The crowd, the pundits, the commentators, and the referee were all simply astonished at how much punishment this guy could take. He weathered punch after punch after punch, and was seemingly unfazed. He never lost his poise, nor his determined expression.
Finally, after the 1,000th and final challenger had climbed into the ring and delivered his blow to no effect, the Champion held his arms up high to celebrate his victory, and the referee declared the joke over, because there was no longer a punch line.
https://redd.it/1dtv3yl
@r_jokes
A wealthy couple went out for the evening to a formal dinner party.
The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she told her husband she would leave early to go home. He stayed there, socializing with important clients.
As the woman walked into her house, she found their butler Alfred by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in a voice she knew he must obey, “Alfred, I want you to take off my dress.”
This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.
“Alfred” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.”
Again, he silently obeyed.
“Now, Alfred, I want you to remove my bra and panties.”
Eyes downcast, he obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
She looked sternly at him and said, “Alfred, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”
https://redd.it/1dtlalc
@r_jokes
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted one hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
https://redd.it/1dte5ir
@r_jokes
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed.
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then asks, "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And then he asks, "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
https://redd.it/1dsuu3q
@r_jokes
A visit to an antique shop will not turn you gay
but it may make you buy curios.
https://redd.it/1dt2mf4
@r_jokes
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."
I replied, "That's 15 love."
https://redd.it/1dstjvq
@r_jokes
A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”.
“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”
https://redd.it/1dser54
@r_jokes
Found my gf’s sister alone at my gf’s house …
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable hot 22 year old sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered in my ear “we should have sex while my sister isn't home.” I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing next to the car. She had a huge smile on her face, hugged me, and exclaimed “you've won my trust!” Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!
https://redd.it/1dsinlg
@r_jokes
Dad warned me about masturbation
He said, "If you don't stop, you'll go blind."
I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."
https://redd.it/1ds6er9
@r_jokes
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
https://redd.it/1drv78q
@r_jokes