1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
An attractive woman is pulled over by a cop
Cop: Do know how fast you were going?
Girl: Hopefully, the speed limit.
Cop: 25 over the speed limit.
Girl: I'm sure there is someway we can make this right.
The girl winks and the cop knows what it means. They pull into a wooded area and do the deed.
Girl: So, did I get myself out of that speeding ticket?
Cop: Ticket? I was just going to give you a warning.
https://redd.it/1dxz7so
@r_jokes
A boy asks his mom, “Is it bad to have a penis?”
She says "No, why"
"Because Dad is upstairs trying to pull his off"
https://redd.it/1dxqfzy
@r_jokes
What's the difference between your wife and a hand grenade?
Nothing. Once you take off the ring they take half of your house
https://redd.it/1dxgpl8
@r_jokes
My ex-girlfriend was like pi+√-5.
Complex and irrational.
https://redd.it/1dx53y4
@r_jokes
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
https://redd.it/1dx4nr5
@r_jokes
A woman was very afraid about the size of her opening
Both her and her partner took a mutual vow of celibacy until they were married. Before their wedding, she tells her mother, "I'm so big down there, John will divorce me when he finds out." Her mother replies, "Don't worry, sweetheart. It runs in the family. Do what I did with your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, and put it in there. He'll never know the difference." She takes her mother's advice and they have 6 hours of passionate sex on their wedding night. She wakes up the next morning and he's not home, but a note from him on the night table reads: *"Good morning, my sweet. To think that we saved our lovemaking until after we were married. Our heavenly relationship makes my heart beat so loudly, I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! I’m working overtime today to save up for us to have a lovely house on the beach. And we'll have dogs and beautiful children. When my work day is over, I'll rush home so I can take you in a warm, lingering embrace. Your loving husband, John. P.S Your c\*nt is in the sink."*
https://redd.it/1dx3bo2
@r_jokes
Bought a box of condoms last night and the cashier asked if I wanted a paper bag
I replied, "No thanks. I'll just turn off the lights."
https://redd.it/1dwvc2o
@r_jokes
Alzheimer's and diarrhoea are the worst combo to have.
You're running but you forget where.
https://redd.it/1dwj6r0
@r_jokes
“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup” is a French toast.
https://redd.it/1dweyf2
@r_jokes
A man goes in for a prostate exam...
(The punchline is best acted out so please use your imagination.)
The man takes off his pants and the proctologist goes, "I can't believe I'm about to say this, it's completely unprofessional, but I have to say... You must have the nicest ass I've seen in my entire life!"
The man timidly responds, "thank... you?"
Doc goes, "mind if I numb it a bit before the procedure?"
Man says, "uhh, okay?"
The doctor takes a deep breath, leans in and goes, "num num num num num num."
Haven't shared this for a while cuz of the acting portion but figured you fine folks can figure it out, and maybe even appreciate it. I like to pretend I'm squeezing a syringe when I ask about numbing the area... Might help throw some people off a bit. Also depending on your crowd it can easily be a woman visiting the gynaecologist. Happy Friday!
https://redd.it/1dw7nlu
@r_jokes
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
https://redd.it/1dvzepm
@r_jokes
I arranged a threesome last week
There were two no-shows, but it was still a fun night.
https://redd.it/1dvn6jw
@r_jokes
The doctor was talking to the husband of a woman in a coma.
“The nurses that were giving her a sponge bath noticed that there was a response in the monitor whenever her crotch was touched. Sounds crazy but maybe some oral sex is what will help bring her out of her coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The doctor and nurses ran to the room.
The husband, who was standing beside his wife’s bed pulling up his pants, said, “Erm... I think she choked.”
https://redd.it/1dv7uxs
@r_jokes
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An electron
https://redd.it/1dv8v29
@r_jokes
A man asks his doctor for advice on his premature ejaculation.
The doctor told him, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife.
When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think twice and leapt on board.
After a few minutes of foreplay they found themselves in the 69 position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”
https://redd.it/1dv6ta3
@r_jokes
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
https://redd.it/1dxxgmv
@r_jokes
A Blonde soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. Her orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
https://redd.it/1dxq424
@r_jokes
My wife asked me if I have herpes
Real life story ... It happened today morning.
I had a small boil at the side of my lip which I popped, and my wife looked at that singular ulcer with denuded skin and asked me "do you have herpes"
I replied " I'm a male so I can only have hispes"
Now she's contemplating if she should commit suicide or homicide.
https://redd.it/1dxgoot
@r_jokes
Best "yo momma" joke you can think of?
For me its, "Yo momma is so fat, she has to wear pillowcases for socks".
Wbu? What jokes do you all got?
https://redd.it/1dx57im
@r_jokes
i took a girl in a wheelchair home
i got her undressed.
i got myself undressed.
and then i faced her and said : "after im done with you, you won't be able to walk"
https://redd.it/1dx3icp
@r_jokes
What's the horniest way to die?
Bone cancer
https://redd.it/1dwsl9a
@r_jokes
The mods are upset with me because I’m constantly posting jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well boo fuckin hoo
https://redd.it/1dwporl
@r_jokes
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
https://redd.it/1dwdwdh
@r_jokes
— Sooo, did Danny like his birthday presents?
— Not really.. he got excited and destroyed all the gifts with a hammer. RC car, electric train, the dollhouse, the wristwatch.. almost everything.
— Oh no!.. Did he destroy my present, too?
— No. Your fucking hammer is not damaged.
https://redd.it/1dvx5ck
@r_jokes
I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies.
He is not “fun to be around!”
https://redd.it/1dw1x42
@r_jokes
What do call a detective that accidently solves crimes?
Sheer luck Holmes
https://redd.it/1dvrlsl
@r_jokes
Prostate exam
Man goes to his Doctor for his first prostate exam.
Doctor-"remove your pants and bend over the table" as he proceeds to put on a rubber glove and lubes it up.
The Doctor inserts his finger and begins to probe.
Doctor- "You shouldn't feel any pain and don't mind the erection"
Patient- "Doctor I don't have an erection"
Doctor- "I wasn't talking about you"
https://redd.it/1dvoxcv
@r_jokes
A man goes to the doctor seeking advice as he was having trouble getting an erection.
The doctor thinks for a little while and then says, “I got just the solution for you. Go home tonight and wait until your wife is sound asleep, then reach over and put your fingers between her legs and get some of her juice and rub it under your nose. Keep on doing that and it should get you an erection.”
So the guy thanks him and hurries on home. Later on that night he’s lying in bed and his wife is fast asleep. So he reaches over and starts rubbing the juice under his nose. After about a minute he can feel himself getting hard.
Excited he shakes his wife awake and says, “Look, honey, look what I’ve got!”
And she replies, “You woke me up at two in the morning to show me your bloody nose?!”
https://redd.it/1dvlkqg
@r_jokes
My friend started a club for erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, and no one came.
https://redd.it/1dvaewg
@r_jokes
Guy with a cat wins the lottery
So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend.
"Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".
"Three months?!"
"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".
"Damn, so... what if she..."
"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"
"That she died?"
"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".
"On the roof?"
"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".
"Okay?"
"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'".
"THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'"
"When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".
"Oh boy, are you-"
"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".
"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".
The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"
"What? Yeah, she's fine."
"Really? Do you mean that?"
"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."
https://redd.it/1dv5950
@r_jokes