1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A little boy and girl are fighting about the differences between sexes.
And which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
https://redd.it/1e1o7t2
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A deranged Russian record collector is arrested and interviewed by the KGB...
**KGB:** Tell us exactly vat happened.
**Russian:** My wife told me she vas going to run avay with my record collection.
**KGB:** And zen?
**Russian:** And zen I vent to my shed, got my saw, and I cut off her legs.
**KGB:** But zat vasn't all, vas it?
**Russian:** No. My wife told me she had been handling my records without gloves.
**KGB:** And zen?
**Russian:** And zen I vent to my shed, got my saw, and I cut off her hands.
**KGB:** But zat vasn't all, vas it?
**Russian:** No. My wife insulted my favorite record. She said the 1967 classic "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees vas mindless drivel...
**KGB:** And zen?
**Russian:** And zen I saw her face.
https://redd.it/1e1fa4v
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Two friends are walking in the square when they noticed a poker buddy of theirs sitting on a bench, waving at them.
"Hey Carson, I am having a terrible headache. It's ruining my day." says the acquaintance. "Do you have any medicine with you?"
Carson opens his fanny pack, takes out a pill, and hands it to him. "Here, take this and get some rest. Don't worry. You'll get better."
The two friends say goodbye to him, and continue walking. Until a lady, their neighbor, appears in their path. She is sitting on the floor.
“I’m glad you’re the one coming,” says the neighbor. "Tripped, I think I hurt my foot. Do you have anything that will help?"
Carson opens his fanny pack, takes out a pill, and hands it to her. "Here, take this and get some rest. Don't worry. You'll get better."
They help the lady get to a bank, say goodbye, and continue walking. After another stretch, they meet another acquaintance of theirs. Walking a dog that's is barking non-stop.
"Carson, I can't believe it's you," says the guy, pointing at the dog. "He's very nervous today. Do you have anything for it?"
Carson opens his fanny pack, takes out a pill, and hands it to him. "Here, give him this and let him rest for a while. Don't worry. He'll get better."
They chat for a while with him, pet the dog, then leave.
Further ahead, there is a guy selling hot dogs.
He sees the pair coming, and as they pass him, he says, "Carson, what a blessing to see you here. Do you happen to have anything for diarrhea with you?"
Carson fshakes his head. He and his friend buy two hot dogs, and go back to walking.
"Carson, tell me something.", asks his friend. "How come you have medicine for everything, but not for diarrhea?"
And he replies, "For everything? My friend... All I have are tranquilizers."
https://redd.it/1e11nwv
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Why can't you use BeefStew as a password?
It's not stroganoff.
https://redd.it/1e12958
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A family checks into a hotel. The father goes to the front desk and says: “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk answers:
“No, it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”
https://redd.it/1e0vnkh
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Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. "
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
https://redd.it/1e0nvx2
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My daughter's favorite animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
https://redd.it/1e0fqoj
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This is a classic Cajun joke. A pirogue is a shallow flat bottom boat common in Louisiana.
Ol’ Thibodeaux was sitting on his porch one day lookin over da bayou, when he spied ol’ Boudreaux comin by in his pirogue. He said, “Boudreaux, what you got in dat boat wit you?”
Boudreaux said, “I got me some duck tape.”
“Where you going wit dat duck tape?” asked Thibodeaux.
Boudreaux said, “I’m going down to da marsh.”
“What you gonna do with duck tape in da marsh?
“I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
“Now, hold on, Thibodeaux, you can’t catch with no ducks with no duck tape.”
“Well you watch me.” says Boudreaux, and he goes on by.
A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back from da marsh with a big pile of ducks in his pirogue, and he just waves at Thibodeaux.
Da next day, Boudreaux passes again, and dis time, he’s got a box of nutra-sweet in the pirogue. Thibodeaux says, “Boudreaux, where you going wit dat nutra-sweet?”
Boudreaux says, “I’m going down to da marsh to catch me some nutria rats.”
“Now hold on, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “You can’t catch Nutria rats with Nutra sweet.”
“Well you watch me.” says Broudreaux, and he goes on his way.
A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back, and he has a big pile of Nutria rats in his bayou. He just waves as he passes Thibodeaux.
The next day, Boudreaux is passing by Thibodreaux again, and Thibodeaux says, “Hey Boudreaux, where you going today?”
Boudreaux says, “I’m going into town.”
“Well what you got in dat boat with you?”
Boudreaux answers, “I got me some pussy willows.”
“Now hold, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “I’ll get my hat and go wit you.”
https://redd.it/1e06629
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Fight Club is...
You know what, nevermind. **It’s fine.**
https://redd.it/1dzvskw
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You know who's really gonna win the 2024 US election?
Well... Depends.
https://redd.it/1dzegx6
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A guy is out playing his usual round of Sunday golf when he gets a call…
It’s the hospital…his wife has been in a terrible accident and he needs to there FAST.
He rushes to the hospital where a doctor, covered in blood and gore, greets him at emergency room entrance. The doctor says “Sir, your wife is going to live but life as you know it is going to change drastically. Your wife is going to require constant care from this point forward. You are going to have to bathe her, feed her, change her diaper regularly, and turn her over every half an hour. Activities such as going out, traveling, and sex are no longer an option and as for things like golf, well, sir, you simply won’t have time to do anything like that anymore.”
The man stands there, strickened and speechless until the doctor chucks him on the shoulder and says: “I’m just fucking with you man, she’s dead.”
https://redd.it/1dz9nmd
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A man was pacing the waiting room in the maternity ward when a doctor approached him. The man could tell from the doctor's demeanour something was not right.
'I've just come form the delivery room,' the doctor said 'and I'm happy to tell you your wife and son are doing fine.'
'Thank goodness,' cried the man with relief. 'Can I see them?'
'Your wife is recovering, but I can take you to see your child.' Replied the doctor. 'But I should prepare you. There were...some complications.'
The man's blood froze.
'Your son is resting,' continued the doctor 'but physically, he is incomplete.'
The man was gripped by paternal love and responded with passion. 'He's my child, I'll hold him and he'll hug me, and know he's loved."
'Um, yes. It's just that...he was born without arms.'
The man was taken aback a moment, but his resolve only strengthened. 'It doesn't matter. We'll go through life together, running and exploring side by side...'
'Actually,' interrupted the doctor, 'he was born without legs,'
For a moment the man lost his composure.
'Perhaps it's best if I take you in to show you.' continued the doctor.
The doctor escorted the man into a sectioned off room. The doctor gently pulled aside a partition curtain, and there the man saw a pillow, and nestled in the middle a little pink ear, wriggling. The man was taken aback, speechless. But from somewhere within, he drew on the love only a father can feel, and cried out 'My son!'
'It's no use,' said the doctor, laying a hand on his shoulder. 'He's deaf.'
https://redd.it/1dyyo9y
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To wear a pair of pants...
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
And they lived happily ever after.
https://redd.it/1dyne1n
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I heard that one of those "adult film" starlets was making a world record attempt in our town.
You know, the kind where she bumps uglies with as many men as possible in an hour.
Outraged, I went to see if I could do something about it. When I got to the hall where it was going on, I saw a queue of about 450 men waiting their turn. My stomach turned at the disgusting carnal display.
All of a sudden I was filled with righteous wrath and I set upon those lust-filled demons with the strength of twenty men. One after another the men in the queue were laid low by my mighty fists, as it was in the days of Samson.
And nobody was laughing when I was done. I guess I punched up the fuck line.
https://redd.it/1dyf8nf
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A woman walks into a magic shop and said to the clerk that her boobs were too small, and that she heard they could help her
The clerk pulls out a magic potion and says that if she drank it, then for the next 24 hours her boobs would grow a little every time she bumps into a man and they say something like "Excuse me? or "Pardon me".
So she buys the potion and drinks it. Then as soon as she leaves the shop, she bumps into a man and he says "Excuse me". Then she feels her breasts grow slightly and runs off yelling that it works. And she spends hours bumping into men until she's got a huge pair of melons.
But just when she was satisfied with her new breasts, she accidentally bumps into a French man. And he says "A thousand pardons my dear". The next day the biggest headline on the news is "Flying torpedoes kill French man in store"
https://redd.it/1dy73fn
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My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it,
she had me pegged from the start.
https://redd.it/1e1cbui
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
https://redd.it/1e1axyb
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Trying to finish a script for a porno
Tough because there's way too many holes in the plot.
https://redd.it/1e147y7
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What's the longest word in English?
>!No, it isn't !<
https://redd.it/1e0qdzn
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When my wife left, I felt a little sad in the beginning. Then I got a dog; bought a Harley; and asked out a pretty neighbor next door. My life was definitely looking better and brighter…
but now I’m thinking that I might be in trouble once my wife gets back home from work.
https://redd.it/1e0nijw
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I was leaving the office the other day when I found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Listen, he said, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?
Sure, I said.
I turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
Excellent! He said as his paper disappeared into the machine. I just need one copy.
https://redd.it/1e0kzx6
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An old joke, slightly adapted
So aliens abduct three people: a politician, an athlete, and a postal worker. They bring the abductees aboard their ship, put each one in a small empty room, completely sealed, and give each one of them two small balls made of solid titanium.
"You have twenty four hours," aliens tell the three people. "After that, we will check on you. Whoever impresses us most using these balls will be set free."
The next day, the aliens who visited the prisoners talk to their friends in the ship's mess hall.
"So, the first guy, the athlete, was juggling the balls, throwing and catching them, and didn't drop a ball once. It was rather impressive."
"Does it mean he was the winner?"
"No, next we went to see the politician. He was showing us magic tricks, making the balls vanish and appear in a different place. We found it very entertaining."
"So, did the politician get to go home then?"
"No, the one who impressed us most was the third guy, the postal worker. He managed to break one ball and lose the other one."
https://redd.it/1e0ab2b
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A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’
She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’
https://redd.it/1dzvo7n
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Diamonds are a girls best friend...
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
https://redd.it/1dztcvo
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because at this point I'll fucking vote for it
https://redd.it/1dzcdzn
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Gay couple on an airplane
Bill and Steve, a gay couple on an airplane together.
Bill turns to Steve and says "You know what would be wild, if we had sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."
Steve says "Woah dude, theres people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."
Bill replies "Nobody pays attention on an airplane, watch." With that he stands up and shouts "Can I borrow a pencil, anyone, can I borrow a pencil?" Some people are reading some are napping, nobody even looks up or pays him the slightest attention. "See" he says to Steve.
"Wow, I guess your right." So they go ahead and have sex right there in their seats.
At the end of the flight, a flight attendant is going up and down the aisles checking on everyone and finds an old man with vomit all down his shirt, all over his trousers, hes just soaked. "Sir, sir, if you felt Ill you should of called me I would of brought you a ag or something."
The old man looks up and says "I wouldn't dare, guy up there asked for a pencil and he got f*cked in the @ss."
https://redd.it/1dz2zjq
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your
trouble”
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully
strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said theblonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
https://redd.it/1dyugar
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My wife said I ruined her birthday.
How could I have? I don't even remember when it is.
https://redd.it/1dy73zt
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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.
However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.
https://redd.it/1dy8kru
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A boy goes to the zoo with his parents They’re standing at the elephant exhibit when he asks his mom:
“What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”
Mom: That's it's trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Mom: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.
The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad.
Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?
Dad: That's its trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Dad: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Dad: That's its penis.
Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing.
Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
https://redd.it/1dxxo0k
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