1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My religious girlfriend keeps going on about how God is everywhere.
But one day I caught her out.
During some energetic sex I accidently thrust into the wrong hole causing her to scream out
“Oh GOD not in there”.
https://redd.it/1e8l96f
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I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, wrong punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking until Christmas.
https://redd.it/1e86z64
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A lawyer calls a plumber for help...
The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800."
The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."
The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."
https://redd.it/1e894p7
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God calls Adam in the Garden of Eden…
…and tells him:
“I have one piece of good news and one bad. Which one would you like to hear first?”
Adam answers without hesitation: “let’s hear the good first, then the bad!”
“Very well” says God, “you have been given a brain and a penis”
“Wow thanks my Lord! This is very good news!” says Adam “and what’s the bad one?”
“They don’t work at the same time”.
https://redd.it/1e80bvg
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Bob thinks I'm too obsessed with giving handjobs.
Steve, in the other hand...
https://redd.it/1e7ocxi
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Chuck Norris once told a joke about Jada Smith.
Will Smith then slapped HER
https://redd.it/1e7axbx
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My neighbour has just walked past with two dogs.
I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"
She said, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters".
I said, "Your sisters are very ugly"
https://redd.it/1e6yfmu
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Everything is so expensive these days.
I can only afford to eat out at *Four* Guys.
https://redd.it/1e36agx
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My wife still misses me.
But her aim Is getting ɓetter...
https://redd.it/1e2xi7k
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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past...
While a monkey is puffing on a joint from a tree, a lizard strolls by.
The reptile raises its head and asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Puffing on a joint. Come up and join me.
The lizard then scales the tree and settles down next to the monkey, where they share another joint.
The lizard eventually says that his mouth is "dry" and that he will go drink from the river.
The lizard is so high at the riverbank that he leans too far and falls in.
Upon noticing this, a crocodile approaches the intoxicated lizard and helps it in moving to the side.
The crocodile questions the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" When the lizard went to have a drink from the river, he fell in because he was so high after smoking a joint with the monkey up in the tree that his mouth got dry!
The curious crocodile says he has to check this. As he enters the bush, he discovers the tree where the monkey is sitting back and smoking a joint.
"Hey, MONKEY!" he screams, looking up.
The monkey says, "OMG!" as it looks down. "Oh god, how much water did you drink?"
https://redd.it/1e2qalu
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A boy leaves his home in Abilene at 18.
He wanders the world to explore cuisines all over. He tries exotic foods from across the world and writes food travel articles for the biggest publications around the world. Twenty years later, his father develops cancer and the boy returns home.
His father, proud of his son’s achievements promises him a dinner like he’s never had before. The son eats it, marveling at how delicious it was, curious because his father was never much of a cook.
After dinner, sitting on the porch watching the sunset, the boy says, “Dad, I’ve travelled the world, eaten delicacies rarely tasted by outsiders. My palette is so refined, yet I cannot tell what you cooked tonight? What was that meat?”
The father pauses, looks out over the plains and says “Carrion, my wayward son.”
https://redd.it/1e2jhvk
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Four apple seeds for intelligence
A guy browses products at a farmers' market. In one corner, he sees an unassuming stand with just four apple seeds displayed on it. He asks the seller: "What are these?"
"Those are apple seeds, they're for intelligence. If you eat them you'll become smarter. These four are $10."
Intrigued, the guy hands $10, takes the seeds, and eats them. After just a few seconds, he says "Wait a minute, with $10 I could've bought a whole bag of apples and get a lot more than four seeds!"
The seller replies "See? I told you! They're working! You *are* becoming smarter!"
Amazed, the guy says "Wow! That's amazing! Give me four more!"
https://redd.it/1e28hmy
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The math tutor
There was a little kid that never was able to do very good in his math tests in school. His parents got fed up with it, so they decided to send him to a private tutor in a Catholic school. After a month of tutoring, he took his first math test and aced every single question. His parents were impressed and asked him what it was about the tutors style that was able to finally get him to understand it, and the child said "Well, when I walked into the classroom and looked at the wall, I saw they had a statue of a guy nailed to a plus sign. I realized right then and there they weren't fucking around, so I buckled down and learned it."
https://redd.it/1e25nfe
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So a farmer asks a friend to come over to his place to help him fix his generator.
They work for a while, and two cows come walking through the pasture beside the barn.
The friend looks over and says, "Wow. Those are some fine looking animals. Where do they sleep?"
And the farmer says, "The black one or the white one?"
And the friend says, "Uh, I dont know. The black one."
Farmer: "Oh, she sleeps in the barn."
Friend: "OK, where does the white one sleep?"
Farmer: "Oh, she sleeps in the barn too."
The friend looks confused and then says, "What do you feed them cows?"
Farmer: "The black one or the white one?"
Friend: "The white one."
Farmer: "Hay."
Friend: "And the black one?"
Farmer: "Hay."
Friend: "What are you talking about, Carl? Why do you keep asking me whether I'm talking about the white cow or the black cow??"
Farmer: "Oh. It's because I own the black cow."
Friend: "Who owns the white one?"
Farmer: "I do."
https://redd.it/1e21kqn
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An old man was staring at a kid who had multi-coloured hair
His hair was a mixture of blue, green, pink, yellow, red, and the old man continued to stare at it despite the kid's obvious annoyance shown in his face.
After a while the kid gets pretty pissed off and says,"Old man, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
To which he replies,"Yeah I had sex with a peacock once and was wondering if you were my son."
https://redd.it/1e1vxh0
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Did you hear about the gangsters who stole an entire crate of Viagra?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
https://redd.it/1e8epdi
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Walmart paying the minimum wage is like Leonardo DiCaprio choosing a girlfriend.
They'd both go lower if it was legal.
https://redd.it/1e85i6o
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A priest checks into a hotel
He asks the desk clerk, "I hope you have the porno channel disabled!"
The clerk responds, "We only have regular porno, you sick fuck."
https://redd.it/1e81x5t
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What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles in your pants.
https://redd.it/1e7vidj
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After meeting in a club, a couple can't wait and grabs a cab to the guy's apartment....
They're all over each other in cab, the elevator, the hallway... he manages to get the door open, the tumble into the apartment, shut the door and tumble onto the couch in a passionate encounter.
After it.... is finished... the man says to the woman, "If I knew you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
The woman replies, "If I knew you could have taken more time, I would have removed my pantyhose."
https://redd.it/1e7qtc7
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How to report a crime
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
https://redd.it/1e7c4gb
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I had to break the news to my wife that I suffer from premature ejaculation.
She took it on the chin.
https://redd.it/1e7a3tu
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I was going to make a gay joke,
butt fuck it.
https://redd.it/1e2ya1b
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What is a shotgun wedding?
A wife or death situation
https://redd.it/1e2p5z4
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Mickey Mouse saved Trumps life at the rally…
He yelled “Donald duck”
https://redd.it/1e2rjym
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On the first day of pilot training, I panicked and asked the instructor, “Wow! What are all these buttons for?”
Instructor: Those are to keep your shirt closed.
https://redd.it/1e27cyw
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what do you say after having s*x with a female soldier?
thank you for your cervix
https://redd.it/1e2cdkk
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "**CAREFUL!** Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. **TOO MANY!** Turn them! **TURN THEM NOW!** We need more butter. Oh my gosh! **WHERE** are we going to get **MORE BUTTER?** They're going to **STICK!** Careful. **CAREFUL!** I said be **CAREFUL!** You **NEVER** listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you **CRAZY?** Have you **LOST** your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. **USE THE SALT! THE SALT!**"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
https://redd.it/1e26cvz
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Following a Sunday school sermon on the importance of honouring one's parents, little Johnny and his brother decide to swear at their mom amd see what happens.
After some deliberation they decide that Johnny will use the word "ass", while his brother will use "shit". Come dinner time, the boys are sitting at the table with their parents, when Johnny's brother suddenly says "shit Ma, let's have some more of them mashed potatoes!". Immediately, his dad gets up, slaps him across the face and chases him to his room. The dad's shouting can be heard for quite a few minutes. When the noise finally dies down, the mom looks at Johnny and asks "would you like anything else before I clear the table?", to which Johnny says "well you can bet your ass I don't want any mashed potatoes!"
https://redd.it/1e1s1e4
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One day johnny's mam asks the class, "Which part of the human body goes to heaven first?" Suzi said, "Well, it's our hands. We do all the good things with our hand, so they are bound to go to heaven first." Teacher says, "very good. Anybody else?"
Rocky says, "Well, it's our heart.
We think all the good things with our heart, so it's bound to go to heaven first."
Teacher says, "very good.
Do you want to say something, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Our legs go to heaven first."
Teacher, not getting any clue says, "How come Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday night, I was passing through my parent's room, & there was my mom,-legs high in the air- screaming 'Oh God!
I am cumming'"
https://redd.it/1e1o37t
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