1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus
The bartender stops him and says “hey man, you can’t bring an octopus in here.”
The guy says “well this isn’t just any octopus, this octopus is a virtuoso musician, and we can entertain you.”
The bartender looks at him sideways and says “okay whatever buddy, c’mon time to go.”
The man says “no I mean it! In fact, I bet you this octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him. If he can’t, we’ll leave without a word. If he can, you have to buy our drinks all night.”
The bartender, intrigued, says “okay there’s our piano in the corner, have him play us a tune.”
He sits the octopus down at the bench, and the octopus plays a flawless rendition of Moonlight Sonata. The bar goes wild!
The bartender is shocked, but then walks into the back and brings out an electric guitar.
The octopus picks it up and plays a Jimi Hendrix solo note for note, and the amazed audience again erupts in applause and cheering.
A Scottish man who was sitting quietly in the corner walks up, and lays his bagpipes in front of the octopus. He says “oolright, let’s see ‘em ‘ave a go at me bagpipes then!”
The octopus just stares at the bagpipes in disbelief, looking like he’s not sure what to make of them.
The man says to the octopus “c’mon! You can can do this, play it!”
The octopus says
“Play it?! I’m trying to figure out how to get its pajamas off so I can fuck it!”
https://redd.it/1egcru9
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A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
...It's called marriage.
https://redd.it/1eg2y1w
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What does J.D Vance's wife do when she gets mad at him?
I don't know, but she definitely won't make him sleep on the couch.
https://redd.it/1efon2z
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Sylvester Stallone meets up with Jean Claude van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Arnold Schwarzenegger at a pub.
They get a round of drinks in and sit down at a table.
“Thanks for coming guys” says Sly. “I’ve had this great idea for a movie about famous 18th Century composers and I wondered if you guys wanted in? I’m planning on playing Beethoven.”
“I love the idea” says van Damme. “I’ve always wanted to portray Mozart”.
“Yeah, I’m in” says Lundgren. “Cast me as Handel”.
“What about you Arnold?” says Sly. “Who do you want to play?”
And Arnie drains his pint and says “I’ll be Bach.”
https://redd.it/1eflsa7
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If a man and woman get a marriage certificate, what do 2 lesbians get?
A liquor license.
https://redd.it/1ef2353
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A man and his wife are having breakfast together.
The husband is reading a news paper and says "Look honey, according to this article, it's impossible to happy and sad about something at the same time."
>!The wife says "Oh yea? Between you, your dad, and all your brothers, yours is the biggest."!<
https://redd.it/1ef00ye
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I had a prostrate examination at the doctors this morning.
He gave me the thumbs up.
https://redd.it/1ees3q5
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Why do greeks fart more often than italians?
Italians don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.
https://redd.it/1edm3vg
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A Greek man and an Italian man were debating who has the superior culture.
The Greek man said, “We have the Parthenon.”
The Italian man replied, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek man said, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
The Italian man replied, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek man lights up and says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian man nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”
https://redd.it/1edf09d
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A man is tossing and turning in bed in the middle of the night.
His wife asks, "Is something wrong?"
He sighed and said, "I borrowed ten dollars from Dave, and it's killing me that I must pay him back."
She grabs the phone and dials Dave. "Hi, Dave, it's Nancy. Does Mike owe you ten dollars?"
"Yeah, he does," Dave replies.
"Well, you're not getting it back," she retorts and hangs up. Turning to her husband, she says, "Now you can sleep, honey. Let him worry about it."
https://redd.it/1eczbgf
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A group of mustelids walk into a bar.
The badger says "I'll have a whiskey on the rocks."
The wolverine says "I'll have a whiskey neat."
The martin says "I'll have a whiskey with a twist."
The otter says "I'll have a whiskey sour."
The bartender looks at the last one and says "and what will you have?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
https://redd.it/1ecr3mn
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A woman (W) is asking psychologist (P) for advice about her sex life…
W: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. Whenever I go on a first date, it always ends up with me having sex with the guy the same night. I just can’t say No. Then I feel like such a slut, and it really weighs heavily on me. Can you help?”
P: “Yes, of course. I’m going to put you under hypnosis, and when you come out of it, you’ll be able to say No.”
W: “Saying No is not actually the problem. I just need you to do something that I don’t feel like a slut afterwards.”
https://redd.it/1ecn9tx
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart-shaped mausoleum covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral! I'm a gynaecologist.'
https://redd.it/1eciwb3
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Why did the German kid refuse to eat the sausage?
Spoiled brat
https://redd.it/1ebssqf
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My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
https://redd.it/1ec42wa
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Nirmala Nirmala
FM Nirmala Sitharaman walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
FM :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nirmala Sitharaman , Finance Minister.
Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of frauds, impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
FM : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, FM ma’am , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
FM ,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look ma’am , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Viraat Kohli came into the bank without ID. To prove he was VK he pulled out his bat and made a beautiful stroke across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be VK and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, PV Sindhu came in without ID. She pulled out her badminton racket and made a fabulous shot where the shuttle landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed her cheque. So, maam , what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
*Nirmala Sitharaman stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."*
Cashier: That will do, will that be large or small notes , Ms Nirmala Sitharaman ?
https://redd.it/1efwny0
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A man goes to the doctors complaining of migraines and headaches
After giving the man a regular check-up and running some tests, the doctor eventually returned with three bottles. One with blue pills, one with green pills, and one with red pills.
"This is a month's supply of pills." The doctor explains. "Every morning, take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water. Every lunchtime, take one of the green pills with another large glass of water. And at bedtime take one of the red pills with another large glass of water."
Concerned with the number of pills he's going to be taking, the man asks "What's wrong with me, doctor?"
"You're not drinking enough water."
https://redd.it/1efw000
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Superman is flying round the world and feels a stirring in his loins.
He realises it’s a while since he’s had any “action” and wants to do something about it.
After a short while he spots Wonder Woman. She’s laying on her back on the roof of a skyscraper. Her eyes are closed, she’s stark naked and her legs are wide open.
“Yes, I’m having some of that!” Superman says to himself. So quick as a flash, he flies down, climbs on, does the business and then flies away.
A few seconds later, Wonder Woman opens her eyes and says “My goodness, what on earth was that?”
And the Invisible Man says “I’ve got no idea but it REALLY hurt!”
https://redd.it/1efspv2
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My friend Jay recently had twin daughters and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
https://redd.it/1efbr89
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Q: What's the difference between horny and homesick?
A: trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta, walks to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want the worst bj in the house!"
"but sir, for that kind of money you could have the BEST blowjob in the house"
The trucker replies, "It's ok, I'm homesick, not horny"
https://redd.it/1ef6ln6
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Not all construction work is equally enjoyable:
For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
https://redd.it/1eexe7t
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
https://redd.it/1eebszf
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In the first one, you come as you are…
https://redd.it/1edefrg
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- "do you know what gaslighting is?" said my girlfriend.
-"we talked about this last week", I replied." you should know there is no such thing as "gaslighting". you just made that up because you're fucking crazy"
https://redd.it/1eda2y0
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A man applies for a job with the Federal Government.
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour and then in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 10 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, while in Afghanistan a landmine exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"
The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
https://redd.it/1ecv5wo
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My wife just left me
She said , my life just revolves around football , and she's sick of it .....
I was quite upset , we were together for 7 seasons .
https://redd.it/1ecrt4e
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4 Friends reunite 30 years after school
One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.
Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.
Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.
Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.
They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.
He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.
The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.
"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."
https://redd.it/1ecnjtt
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A 102 year old man was asked…
“How have you lived so long?”
“Every day since I was a teenager I have eaten a spoonful of gunpowder” he responded.
The next year he died. There is a 25 foot (~~6.2~~ 7.6 meter) crater where the crematorium used to be.
edit: Fixed math error, attributed to senility. Tx.
https://redd.it/1ecauq7
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Did you hear about the rancher who couldn't keep his hands off his wife?
So he fired them.
https://redd.it/1ec9dlg
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The wide-mouth frog (must be told in person...)
Once there was a wide-mouth frog hopping through the woods. He came upon a deer and said, \[pull your mouth wide by the sides\] "Hi! I'm a wide-mouth frog. I eat bugs and algae. Who are you, and what do you eat?"
And the deer said, "I'm a deer, and I eat leaves and grass."
And the wide-mouth frog said, \[pull your mouth wide by the sides\] "Have a good day!" and hopped away.
Next the wide-mouth frog came upon a rabbit and said, \[pull your mouth wide by the sides\] "Hi! I'm a wide-mouth frog. I eat bugs and algae. Who are you, and what do you eat?"
And the rabbit said, "I'm a rabbit, and I eat carrots and lettuce."
And the wide-mouth frog said, \[pull your mouth wide by the sides\] "Have a good day!" and hopped away.
Next the wide-mouth frog came upon a bear, and said, \[pull your mouth wide by the sides\] "Hi! I'm a wide-mouth frog. I eat bugs and algae. Who are you, and what do you eat?"
And the bear said, \[deep voice\] "Why, I'm a bear. And I eat wide-mouth frogs."
And the wide-mouth frog said, \[purse your lips together as small as possible\] "Oh, you don't say..."
https://redd.it/1ec0d7r
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