1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
My girlfriend asked me for something that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds for her birthday.
Apparently she wasn’t asking for a scale
https://redd.it/1ejjbbn
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An old lady says … I’ll have sex with the first person who can guess what I have in my clenched fist
The first guy says a giraffe
Close enough - she responds
https://redd.it/1ej92ax
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Remember folks, it's I before E, except after C.
Could you imagine putting E before I in a word that didn't start with C? That'd be weird.
https://redd.it/1eiygkw
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25 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash!
I pray nothing happens to Alan Cumming!
https://redd.it/1eir26b
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A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."
A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."
https://redd.it/1eikt5y
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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
https://redd.it/1eibaet
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A therapist walks into the waiting room to welcome a new client.
When she arrives, she is surprised to see a man holding a full-sized house door.
She is a professional, so she calmly ushers him and his door back to her office and proceeds to ask what problems he’s been experiencing and how she can help him.
“Oh no, the therapy isn’t for me,” he replies, “it’s for the door.”
Still remaining professional, and trying to get to the root of the issue, the therapist asks “and why does your door need therapy?”
“Are you blind?” Says the man, “it’s clearly unhinged!”
https://redd.it/1ehwu3o
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Refinery Engineers
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery
.
A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba,
its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
https://redd.it/1ehip6p
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I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger the other day. Since I know he's into computer stuff, I asked him if he was planning on upgrading to Windows 11.
“No,” he replied, “I still love Vista, baby!”
https://redd.it/1ehnjal
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Each day thousands of people arrive in our country. They don't have any useful labor skills, they don't even speak the language.
They basically sap on our already scarce resources and eventually they will get our jobs. Babies are completely useless!
https://redd.it/1ehc1aj
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My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver ever. How many times have you derailed this year?"
I replied, " I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."
https://redd.it/1ehb1u6
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An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub
The Scotsman says "drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.
The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"
https://redd.it/1egzojz
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J.D. Vance might be happily married
but sometimes he misses the thrill of the chaise.
https://redd.it/1egxe81
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What’s the difference between your job and your wife?
Your job still sucks after 5 years.
https://redd.it/1egp9ye
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I'm not saying I'm attractive but I can't explain why everytime I take my clothes off...
The shower gets turned on
https://redd.it/1eghabf
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I know that if a woman hangs around a rock band they call her a groupie. But what do you call a guy that hangs around a rock band?
a drummer
https://redd.it/1ejbhb8
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What's the best part about dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere
https://redd.it/1eiyj68
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I was watching an Australian cooking show. The audience cheered when the chef made a meringue. Which was odd...
Because I thought Australiains boo meringues.
https://redd.it/1eitaaf
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What's the best part of dating a deaf girl?
She can still talk dirty with your cock in her mouth.
https://redd.it/1ei8wu8
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A husband and his wife are taking golf lessons…
Both are not doing so great so the instructor tells the husband: “Try holding the club like you’re caressing your wife’s breasts”. The husband does, and makes a pretty good shot.
The instructor then turns to wife, and says: “Now you try holding the club like your husband’s penis”. The woman does.
Instructor: “Okay, I think it’s good for today. Oh, and take the club out of your mouth”.
https://redd.it/1ei8dvu
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A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
https://redd.it/1ei7z82
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I asked the officer, “Why are you crying as you are writing me a ticket?
Cop: It’s…a moving violation.
https://redd.it/1ei128p
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"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"
"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"
"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."
"All right, hold on a second."
*BLAM!*
"Okay, now what?"
https://redd.it/1ehw8ql
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This one is a really old, divisive joke that I chuckle to every time I hear/ read, so I hope some of y'all do too!
A lady goes to her gynaecologist and says:
"I'm not sure what's wrong with me doctor, but whenever I spread my legs apart, I hear a song!"
The gynaecologist nonchalantly asks her to spread her legs and suddenly they hear a boisterous rendition of 'Glory Glory Man United!'
"Aah..." Says the gynaecologist, "you've got nothing to worry about, a lot of cunts sing this song!"
https://redd.it/1eholbo
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What did one condom say to the other condom when they walked past the gay bar?
Wanna go in and get shit-faced?
https://redd.it/1ehe9ap
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A Marine coming home from a deployment writes to his wife
He writes, “Make sure you’re not wearing panties when you come to meet the ship.”
She writes back, “Just make sure you’re the first Marine off that ship!”
https://redd.it/1eh78bg
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I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
https://redd.it/1eh12ve
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
https://redd.it/1egwwok
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(Long) A man goes in a brothel with his last 100 bucks...
He slams the money on the reception table and goes: " This is all I have. But I'm really horny and absolutely need to get laid today, no matter what."
The receptionst thinks a little bit, takes a long look at him and finally accepts his money. She sends him up to a small room. Inside waits an okay looking girl and to his astonishment, he gets the full service for an hour.
The next week he's back, but this time he has only 50 bucks and the same urge.
The receptionist takes his money again and sends him to another, far bigger room.
He finds a really cute girl inside. He leaves after two hours and the best sex in his life until that day.
Not able to forget the second girl, but completely broke, he finds himself begging at the reception the next day.
He totally expects to be kicked out, but he got lucky two times already and three times is the charm.
Without having paid even a cent he finds himself in front of the most beautifull, sexy girl he ever laid eyes on a few minutes later. She fullfills every desire he ever had and even a few he himself never knew he had.
He leaves after a blissfull eternity. But this time he stops at the reception to ask how it's possible that he paid less everytime he came and always get's a service the money would never be enough for.
The receptionists grins:
" You told us you needed to get laid, no matter what.
The first girl is a newcomer. So we took a few in action pictures for her profile that day.
The second time, there were about 20 guys behind the mirrors rubbing one out.
Today we did a livestream for about a 100'000 viewers."
https://redd.it/1egmebi
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How does a cucumber become a pickle?
Well, it's a jarring experience .
https://redd.it/1egauj0
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