1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
What did the graphics card say to the monitor during sex?
"Maybe we should switch to a different position because 69 Hz."
https://redd.it/1emn5zw
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A local bar was so confident, that their bartender was the strongest man in town...
So they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The challenge was for the bartender to squeeze a lemon until all the juice was in a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze out just one more drop of juice would win the money.
Over time, many had tried (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but no one succeeded.
One day, a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit walked in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to take the bet."
After the laughter subsided, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed it dry.
He then handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.
To everyone's astonishment, the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him $1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
https://redd.it/1emau7n
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quite in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylight out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realise that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver– I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
https://redd.it/1em2zen
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I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'
https://redd.it/1em1h7q
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My girlfriend found letters I was hiding and now she knows I've been cheating.
She says she'll never play Scrabble with me again.
https://redd.it/1elt0w8
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Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sexy cousin.
It tastes the same but it just ain't right.
https://redd.it/1eljccl
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What's the difference between a Cybertruck and a dumpster?
Dumpsters need help to catch fire.
https://redd.it/1elbbqr
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Medvedev calls Putin, nervously telling him that it would be a good idea to get rid of time zones altogether.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
https://redd.it/1el4h6f
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Why did the Mexican man take medication?
For hispanic attacks
https://redd.it/1ekx6no
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“Does this dress make me look fat?”, asks the wife…
“Does this shirt make me look bald?”, asks back the husband.
“But you ARE bald”, says the wife.
“My point exactly!”, says the husband.
https://redd.it/1eklyhz
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“There has been a lot of burglaries in London recently. Any advice, Dr. Watson?”
Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock Homes.
https://redd.it/1ekfhxo
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
https://redd.it/1ekcedn
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Mexican jokes are like black jokes
Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
https://redd.it/1ek2ioa
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Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation.
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Amanda?”
“Well, much like you, Stacey. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team - isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
https://redd.it/1ejv5yb
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An old man is complaining about his memory to his friend
The friend replies "I know just what you mean. I used to forget everything too. Then I started taking this new drug and it's really worked wonders. It's called...um...oh shoot. I know it. What's the name of that flower?"
The old man goes "Lily?"
The friend goes "No, no no, not that. It's the kind of flower you take for a first date."
The old man guesses "Tulips?"
The friend gets more agitated. "What, no, you don't bring tulips on a date, not that!"
Old man asks "Rose?"
The friend goes "Right, thank you, rose."
Then he calls to his wife "Hey Rose, what's the name of that memory drug I've been taking?"
https://redd.it/1ejc89b
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A Truck Driver walks into a bar
A truck driver walks into a bar somewhere in Ohio and sits next to a middle aged guy drinking a diet mountain dew. They say hi to each other and after some small talk the man at the bar says, “Did you see that wall on your way into town?”; the trucker says, “Yeah” and the man replies, “I built that wall with my own two hands, but do they call me a Mason? Noooo.” Then the man at the bar says, “Did you see those books on the shelf when you entered the bar?”; and the trucker says “Yeah”, then the man replies, “I wrote that book and it was a NYT best seller, but do they call me an author? Noooo.” He then puts his head down and the trucker asks him if he’s okay.
The man at the bar turns around and says, “But you fuck one couch…”
https://redd.it/1emcftm
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9/10 Redditors are idiots.
I'm proud to be the 1% that isn't.
​
https://redd.it/1em8sqv
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An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician are standing outside of an empty house. As they wait, they see two people walk in. A few minutes later, three people come out.
The engineer says, "Oh ok, our original assumption was wrong."
The biologist says, "No, they reproduced."
The mathematician says, "Guys, it's obvious. Now, if one person goes into the house, it'll be empty again."
https://redd.it/1elv759
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A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey
He takes a sip and then spits it out.
"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
https://redd.it/1elwcbu
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A man wanted to increase his arm strength…
My grandpa told me this joke when I was young, so it’s probably quite old. However, I haven’t seen it here, so I thought I would share.
A man wanted to increase his arm strength, so he decided to start a daily lifting routine. He started by holding a potato sack in each hand, lifting his arms from his sides and holding them up for 5 minutes. He repeated this simple exercise daily for a week. Feeling like he wasn’t making much progress, at the start of the second week, he instead lifted two potato sacks in each hand.
Each week he would add another potato sack, so that just over a month in, he was holding five sacks in each hand. Finally, at the start of the sixth week, disappointed by the lack of results, he decided to make a drastic change to his routine. He went back down to one sack in each hand, but this time, he put a potato in each sack.
https://redd.it/1elpaov
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An Engineer in Hell
An engineer died and was accidentally sent to hell instead of heaven.
He got to work and fixed the A/C and things cooled down quickly.
The moving walkway motor was jammed so he unjammed it.
The TV was grainy and unclear.
He repaired the connection to the satellite dish and now pulled in hundreds of high def channels.
One day God decided to look down on Hell to see how his grand design as working out and noticed everyone was happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He phoned Satan and said, “What the hell’s going on in Hell?”
Satan replied, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."
"What? An engineer? I never would have sent you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute,” demanded God.
"No way!” Satan snorted. “We’re going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."
“If you don't send him to me immediately I'll sue!" God shouted.
The devil laughed long and heartily and then said, “Really? Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
https://redd.it/1elg4a7
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My boss was demoted after he got caught masturbating in his office.
Now he's just part of the wank-and-file.
https://redd.it/1el74l1
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What did he say?!
An elderly man and woman were driving to see her family in her old hometown. They were pulled over. The cop approached the car and asked for the man's paperwork and drivers license.
The cop said to the old man: pulled you over for speeding."
The old lady says "What'd he say?!?"
The old man said loudly: "He said he pulled us over for speeding!"
She replied: "Oh okay."
The cop said: "Where are you heading to?
The man said: "St. Louis"
The lady screamed again: "What'd he say?!?!"
Man: "He asked where we are going!"
Cop replied: "St. Louis?!? The worst sex ever had was with a woman was from St. Louis."
Lady screamed again: "What did he say?!?"
The old man replied: "He said he knows you!"
(Backstory: My Grandpa passed away this weekend and we ALWAYS shared jokes. I came here a lot looking for new jokes to share with him. So think it was fair to share his final joke with everyone here. Thanks again for this sub. I will always think of him every timel read a good one here.)
https://redd.it/1el2jy0
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Chatting in the pub with my Scottish pal and I was stuck on a crossword clue; "Stranded on a Desert Island (8)"
"Marooned?" He said.
I replied “Oh nice one, I’ll have another beer but I still need an answer when you come back.”
https://redd.it/1ekt9ri
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What's the speed limit for sex?
68.
At 69 you blow a rod.
https://redd.it/1eklh90
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“Private Jones, I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning.”
“Thank-you Sergeant.”
https://redd.it/1ek1fzp
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Guy's sitting on the couch. From the kitchen he hears, "Babe.... can you help me?"
He goes to the kitchen. "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle."
"What's it supposed to be?" he asks.
She picks up the box. "A Rooster."
"Honey," he says. "Let's put the cornflakes back in the box....."
https://redd.it/1ek8zk6
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What is a British person's two favorite body parts?
Colon, Knees
https://redd.it/1ejz2uj
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Why was Hitler's favorite country Hungary?
Because it is filled with Hung Aryans.
https://redd.it/1ejsd06
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What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
https://redd.it/1ejfcux
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