1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I just read a book called "How to End Punchlines with Beatles Song Titles."
That's two hours of my life I'll never get back.
https://redd.it/1eplcsd
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Guy goes to get a haircut [long]
Barber says, “so what’s new?’
Guy: “I’m getting ready to go to Italy.”
Barber: “Why the hell would you want to go there? It’s so overrated. Nasty place.
What airline you flying?’
Guy: “Alitalia, out of JFK.’
Barber: “oh what a nightmare. I flew them once. Old rickety airplane, left late, got there later, lost my luggage. Just the pits. Where are you staying?’
Guy: “The Pensione Mascarpone in Rome.”
Barber: “oh I know that place- what a dump. Rats running all around, walls crumbling. Ooof. Hey what are you doing in Italy anyways?’
Guy: “I’m actually going with a group from church, and we’ve been granted an audience with the Pope. I’m pretty excited about it.”
Barber: “Talk about a letdown. Let me tell you what will happen. You’ll go to the big square with 26,000 of you closest friends, and you’ll see a little white speck step out onto a balcony and wave his arms around and that’s your pope experience. What a racket.’
Guy: “Well, we’ve had the trip booked for a while, so I think I’ll just see what happens.’
About a month later, the guy comes back in to the barber shop.
Barber: “Hey howzit? Did you go on that trip? Italy wasn’t it? Just as bad as I told you?’
Guy: “Well actually, it turned out to be the trip of a lifetime.”
Barber: “yeah but how about that flight? Pretty rough, right?’
Guy: “Well, we were on a brand new Airbus, upgraded to Business Class, flight left on time and arrived 10 minutes early, and my bag was the first one off the carousel.’
Barber: “But I bet that hotel was disappointing, right?’
Guy: “No, they had recently renovated, it was super clean and the restaurant was so nice we ate there a couple, of nights.’
Barber: “How bout that pope thing? Just like I told you, right?’
Guy: “You know, it was actually amazing. Our group was ushered into an antechamber in the Vatican, and seated in a row of nice chairs. A side door opened and a Cardinal walked in, followed by an altar boy waving incense, followed by His Eminence and another altar boy. It was incredible to be that near to him. And just as he walked behind me, he laid his hand on my shoulder and said something in a foreign language. I couldn’t tell if it was Latin or Spanish or what.
So after our audience and tea, I asked the Cardinal if he had heard what the pope said to me.
He said, ‘Yes my son, I did hear that. Loosely translated, he said “My son, that’s the worst haircut I’ve ever seen.”
https://redd.it/1epes1f
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I've just found my wife Tinder profile.
She is such a liar. She is not fun to be around.
https://redd.it/1ep5lmj
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Two ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them.
One lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.
https://redd.it/1ep318n
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The Fertile 70yr old man
An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room.
A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well…" says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful.
The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes" the old man answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful.
The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes," the old man replies.
"Congratulations," the nurse says, "that’s really impressive."
"Well…" says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well… says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
https://redd.it/1eou68w
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A doctor checks in on a patient and reads their updated file..
Returning the file, they disengage the brake releases on the bed's wheels and start rolling the bed out of the room. "Where are we going, Doc?" asks the patient.
"You're being transferred to the west wing." the doctor replies.
"Oh.. what's in the west wing?"
"The morgue."
"W.. what?" asks the patient, stunned. "Why? I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."
https://redd.it/1eocl0u
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What do you call growths on your genitals after a visit to a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts
https://redd.it/1eoc7ps
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What is the difference between a drunk person and a high person?
When a drunk person sees a red "stop" sign, he runs it over. When a high person sees a red "stop" sign, he stands and waits for it to turn green
https://redd.it/1eo9fbg
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So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence.
A boy stood up and said, "Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me"
https://redd.it/1enwr4q
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Me: What’s the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?
Buddy: I don’t know…
Me: So it was you!
https://redd.it/1enoem8
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A doctor comes into a guy's hospital room.
Doctor: "I've got good news and bad news."
Patient: "Give me the bad news first, doc. I can take it."
Doctor: "In order to save your life we're gonna have to amputate both your legs."
Patient: (gasping" "My legs...! OH no!"
After a minute he composes himself.
Patient: "What could possibly be good news after that?!"
Doctor: (leaning in, low voice) "Well, you see that guy over there in the next bed? He wants to buy your slippers."
https://redd.it/1enjie5
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A man wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember how he got home...
He wakes up fully clothed in bed, a pounding headache reminding him of the previous night's excess. One of the lamps on the bedside table is shattered, and the unpleasant scent of vomit clings to his clothes. As he sits up, he notices muddy footprints leading right to his bed.
The man groans, clutching his head, already dreading the trouble he's sure to be in with his wife. Just then, she enters the bedroom with a glass of water and some aspirin. "Here, sweetie, you probably need this," she says, handing them to him. "It sounds like you had quite a night. Whenever you're ready, I've made your favorite breakfast in the kitchen. You can stay in bed, and I'll bring it to you. I had my mom take the kids so you can have some peace and quiet, and once you clean up and feel better, I was thinking we could fool around, and I'll do that thing you like."
The man is stunned by her kindness. Feeling suspicious, he asks what happened the previous night.
"Around 2 AM, I woke up to the sound of you trying to unlock the door. I let you in, and you staggered past me and collapsed into bed, knocking over the lamp," she explains.
"I was upset, but I thought I should help you undress. That's when you yelled at me."
"Honey, I’m so sorry. What did I say?"
"You told me, 'Get your hands off me, lady. I'm married!'"
https://redd.it/1enfjip
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My wife: "Are you drinking again?!"
Me: "No, it's just tea"
Wife: "Oh yeah?! What kind of tea?"
Me: "Tea... quila"
https://redd.it/1en4f2g
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
The doctor replied “Don’t worry, those are just contractions!”
https://redd.it/1en0mok
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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
Note - this is a self-repost. I posted this joke here 9+ years ago. And it wasn't original. I hope you don't mind...
https://redd.it/1emrk05
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Golf buddies
Two friends who haven't seen each other in awhile have just finished up a round of golf. They're undressing in the locker room, and one of the guys takes off his shirt and pants and he's wearing a bright pink sports bra and matching thong underware. His buddy looks at him suspiciously and asks, "How long you been wearing that stuff". He replies, "Ever since my wife found them in my back seat".
https://redd.it/1epas23
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Infuriates me when I'm in a public restroom and there is a sign that says "Employees must wash hands."
I wait forever and no employee shows up to do it for me.
https://redd.it/1eozosi
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Australian gets off the plane in New York city, gets a car but doesn't know we drive on the right. Cop pulls him over and says " did you come here to die ? "
Austie says " No mate I come here yesterdie !! "
https://redd.it/1ep7tx0
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In England, what is the most commonly used letter?
‘N’ - it appears twice.
https://redd.it/1eou39y
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A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.
officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving
woman: 25mph
officer: why were you driving so slow?
the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.
officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.
As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.
officer: are you okay? what's the problem?
passenger: we just got off the US-160
https://redd.it/1eos0cq
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A man named Rob gets pulled over for suspected DUI
Police: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Rob: No.
Police: I pulled you over since it seems like you are drunk. Do you mind me doing a test on you?
Rob: Sure.
Police: You see a vehicle with two headlights behind you. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A car?
Police: Yes, but what type of car? A BMW? A Honda?
Rob: How would I know that?
Police: See? You're drunk!
Rob: No, I'm not.
Police: Ok. You see a vehicle behind you with one headlight. What is the vehicle?
Rob: A motorcycle?
Police: Yes, but what type of motorcycle? A Yamaha? A Harley?
Rob: I don't know.
Police: See? You're drunk!
Rob: No. Let me ask you a question. You see a woman standing on a curb. Heels, fishnet, stockings, short mini skirt, and flagging cars down. What is she?
Police: A prostitute.
Rob: Yeah, but is it your wife, your mother, or your daughter?
https://redd.it/1eokpqu
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A politician arrives at the Pearly Gates..
St. Peter is there to greet him, checks the roster and says "Oh! you're a politician. before I let you in you have to spend a day in heaven and a day in hell."
the politician says "Huh? that's crazy. Why?
St Peter says "It's policy"
"Okay" says the politician, 'Lead the way"
St. Peter lets him in. A lush valley appears before him. Angels are singing, harps are playing. people are just relaxing.
"Pretty boring" thinks the politician. He goes to sleep that night.
In the morning, he wakes up on the path to hell.
"Uh-oh" he thinks, "This will be barren landscapes, rivers of lava and souls being tortured"
He rounds the corner and is at the gates of hell. Lush, beautiful landscapes, Beautiful sunny weather. People are playing golf and volleyball. Ahead is a 5-star hotel. He goes in and there is a bountiful buffet with all you can eat. The devil is there, wearing a tuxedo and sipping a Martini. He eats, golfs and is enjoying himself. he sleeps that night on a lush mattress for the best sleep ever.
In the morning, he wakes up back at the pearly gates. "Well," says St Peter, "What will it be?
"I'll take hell" says the politician and Poof! He is back in hell.
But it is barren landscapes, Rivers of boiling lava, the smell of sulfur and all you can hear is screaming souls being tortured. And there stands the devil in his tuxedo, sipping a martini
"What happened?" says the politician
The devil says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted!
https://redd.it/1eoe9i6
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My wife screamed "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you"?!?!
I thought, huh, that's a weird way to start a conversation...
https://redd.it/1eo7ldv
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The CEO calls a young employee into his office.
CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager. I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”
The young man replies, “Thanks.”
CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”
After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:
“Thanks, Dad.”
https://redd.it/1enyhph
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The doctor's talking to a man about his wife's lab results.
Doctor: "Unfortunately, we mixed up your wife's results with those of another woman."
Man: "What?!"
Doctor: "Yeah. And here's the worst part: one result came up positive for Alzheimer's, the other for AIDS."
Man: "Oh no! What do I do now?"
Doctor: "Drop off your wife a couple of miles from your house. If she comes home, don't fuck her."
https://redd.it/1enlzql
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My friend asked me, "You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the world will get $100,000. Are you taking it?"
Me: "Of course! Why wouldn't I want $150,000?"
https://redd.it/1enlplz
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Einstein: Honey, I finally finished my paper on space!
Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time, Albert.
Einstein: Holy cow! How did you know?
https://redd.it/1endytf
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I wasn't sure what to wear during my first meeting at 'Premature Ejaculator's Anonymous'...
So I just came in my pants.
https://redd.it/1en321k
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".
They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?
https://redd.it/1emz3s1
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"
https://redd.it/1emllyp
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