1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I just got thrown out of a karaoke bar for trying to sing "Danger Zone" five times in a row
The owner said I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts
https://redd.it/1esq278
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Trick question, they only use Gas Lighting.
https://redd.it/1esdc5v
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A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old one, and puts him in the chicken coop...
The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says "out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done." The old rooster rolls his eyes.
"Alright, fine, I get it. I'm old. But I still have some living left to do, and won't give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let's settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes." The young rooster agrees to the challenge.
The old rooster says "but listen, I'm not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair." The young rooster agrees to these terms.
When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. "3... 2...1... go!" The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.
The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says "DAMN IT! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"
https://redd.it/1esfs2s
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A man has a serious car crash
And wakes up in hospital. The doctor tells him during the crash he had his dick completely severed off but luckily the hospital he's in is the world's formost at dick transplants.
The Dr tells him he can have a small one for £3000, a medium one for £6000 or a massive one for £12,000.
The man replies that he needs to talk to his wife since it'll affect her to.
The next day the Dr comes by asking if he and his wife had come to a decision. To which the man says "yes we have. We've decided to get a new kitchen"
https://redd.it/1es3ix7
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A guy goes to the doctor in a distressed state. He pulls down his pants and bends over and there piece of lettuce sticking out of his asshole.
The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "Ugh, that's nasty!"
Man, "Sorry Doc, but that's just the tip of the iceberg"
https://redd.it/1ery8rf
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After a night of drinking together, my wife told me she wanted to do something crazy and have s*x in the backseat of the car.
I got excited until she asked if I could drive.
https://redd.it/1eroydq
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Putin, after 10 days of Kursk catastrophe, summons Stalin’s ghost
Stalin: “What’s happened?”
Putin: “Nazis are at Kursk! My army is beaten! What should I do?”
Stalin: “Do like me 1943. Send best Ukrainian tropps to the front, and ask the US for arms”
https://redd.it/1erm7h3
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Honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?
A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
https://redd.it/1er8yge
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FBI looking for an assassin (Long)
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
https://redd.it/1er4pg2
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My neighbors found the formula for a happy marriage.
Every week, they go out for a romantic dinner accompanied by good red wine, then they go to the cinema and, finally, they end the night with wild sex. He goes on Tuesdays and she goes on Thursdays.
https://redd.it/1eqruxc
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My friends laughed at me after I told them I had a hot date. They said she was imaginary.
Ha ha, I had the last laugh on them though because they are imaginary too.
https://redd.it/1eqhixg
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Two women friends run into each other on the street…
1: “Omg, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”
2: “Not too bad. Just feeling a little bit under the weather.”
1: “What’s wrong?”
2: “Oh, it’s nothing really, just a sore throat.”
1: “You know, I actually have a trick for that. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go to my husband, and perform a bl\*wjob on him. And I go down on him hard. It really does help. You should definitely try that.”
2: “I will. Thanks for the tip!”
They say goodbyes, and go their separate ways.
The very next day they run into each other again…
1: “How is your throat?”
2: “I gotta tell you, your advice actually helped. But your husband was very surprised when I showed up, and told him that you were okay with it."
https://redd.it/1eqdy4g
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Everybody Knows Dave!
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
https://redd.it/1eq26wk
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Two Deer Walk out of a Gay Bar..
Says one, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."
https://redd.it/1epywbi
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My ex-girlfriend confessed that ramming me from behind with a strap-on was a favor for a friend.
That's when I knew she had me pegged for someone else.
https://redd.it/1eptrts
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Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi, Pregnant! I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.’
https://redd.it/1esprde
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People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones...
But people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!!!!!
https://redd.it/1esfzor
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I survived a grizzly bear attack with just a .22 pistol
My friend who I shot in the knee was not as lucky.
https://redd.it/1esbaic
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How many Swiss does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and have no sense of humor.
https://redd.it/1erzorh
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"
She was watching our wedding video again.
https://redd.it/1erhigu
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Banned from the massage parlor
After an mind-clearing hike in the mountains, I was driving back to civilization when I saw a massage parlor I never noticed before and thought it would be a good idea to get loosened up.
As I waited in a private room, an attractive, petite Asian woman appeared and asked me where she should start. I pointed at my feet and she gave me an incredible foot massage.
I asked her to go a little higher, and she kneaded my calves, which felt amazing.
When I asked her to go even *higher*, she shook her head profusely, and pointed to the door, demanding I leave!
Perplexed, I asked her what I did wrong...
She said, ">!You broke Rule #3 of this subreddit: no massage knee!<."
https://redd.it/1erpe6j
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The secret to long life
A reporter heard that a man in town was turning 101 years old and went to interview him. He asked him "What's the secret to your long life?"
The old man said "The secret to long life is clean living: never drink alcohol, never smoke, never use foul language."
Just then they heard a commotion and string of expletives coming from the foyer. "Who's that?" the reporter asked.
"Oh, that's just my older brother coming home drunk from the cigar shop again."
https://redd.it/1erab5t
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Today, I told my really hot co-worker how I felt and she felt the same.
So I turned on the air-conditioner.
https://redd.it/1er7qus
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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?
They don't.
https://redd.it/1er177l
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A policeman came up to me and said ‘My sniffer dog tells me you are on drugs’
I replied ‘I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to a dog!’
https://redd.it/1eqrive
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
https://redd.it/1eqm7d3
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My Grandma just found out about Kanye West
My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him. She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "
https://redd.it/1eqczyz
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King Ramses: You all build a tomb for me. Then your children will build tombs for my kids, and this will continue forever.
Egyptians: Hang on, this sounds like a pyramid scheme.
https://redd.it/1eq12mt
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Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
https://redd.it/1epv0qm
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Magic Penis (Long) (hehe)
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!!!!!!!!!!'
https://redd.it/1eprc4l
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