1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Man at wedding gets really drunk.
He is drinking all the booze he can find and also eating all the food from the buffet.
After a while, he starts feeling a bit dizzy and goes to the window to catch some air.
He then throws up violently, emptying his stomach on the bride and groom's small dog that was downstairs, who's now covered in vomit.
Feeling relieved, dude looks down and says:
"What the fuck??? I don't even remember having eaten that dog!"
https://redd.it/1f0dy4v
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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic
He put up a sign outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so, he went to the clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
https://redd.it/1f08lay
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A man escapes from prison where he's been held for 15 years...
He breaks into a house in search of money and weapons, only to find a young couple in bed. He forces the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. As he's securing the woman to the bed, he climbs on top of her, briefly kisses her neck, then heads into the bathroom.
While he's gone, the husband whispers urgently to his wife "That guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes, he’s probably been locked up for years and hasn’t seen a woman in ages. He kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t argue, just do whatever he says. He’s dangerous, and if he gets angry, we’re dead. Stay strong, honey. I love you."
His wife whispers back "He wasn’t kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay and thinks you’re attractive. He even asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it’s in the bathroom. Stay strong, honey. I love you too."
https://redd.it/1evgdr9
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what's the worst 2 things to hear during a prostate exam?
"enter as strangers, leave as friends"
https://redd.it/1ev6cdy
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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She kept screaming.
but I am keeping the umbrella.
https://redd.it/1euy7im
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My friends keep telling me that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
https://redd.it/1eut4er
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What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
https://redd.it/1eufo1k
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I was hugging a woman who just lost her dad and I got an erection
I guess you can call it a mourning wood
https://redd.it/1euffco
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Today a very good friend told me that I make people feel uncomfortable by invading their personal space.
I felt really hurt and it absolutely ruined our bath.
https://redd.it/1eu68ju
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A man goes to confess and admits to committing all 7 deadly sins in a single day
He confesses, "I was trying to save up for my dream house, but someone bought it before I could. I got so furious and jealous that I disguised myself as a utility worker and went to his place while he was at work. I ended up seducing his wife, and while she was in the shower, I took all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I raided the pantry, ate everything in sight, and took naps on and off until just before he came home."
The priest asks, "And what about Pride? You seem to have left that one out."
The man replies, "Oh no, I'm very, very proud of myself!"
https://redd.it/1eu3iyk
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My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, "Darling, it's not what it looks like."
https://redd.it/1etv7ue
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My wife absolutely hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
https://redd.it/1etnd5c
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Putin is woken up by one of his generals.
The general says, “Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to talk about surrender.”
Putin replies, “Great! Get Zelensky on the phone with me.”
The general asks, “What phone? They’re right here!”
https://redd.it/1etai2b
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A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means?"
The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
https://redd.it/1et7mo4
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Olympic tennis gold medalist gets to Australia and goes through customs. -Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
-I didn’t know that was still a requirement
https://redd.it/1esypex
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An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City
and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.
The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.” This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.” “My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
https://redd.it/1f0bprp
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My wife calls me a "sex machine".
Okay, the exact words were "fucking tool", but that's the same thing, right?
https://redd.it/1evjr1k
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In Putin’s Russia
occupied country invades you!
https://redd.it/1evb9nd
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A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.
Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."
Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."
The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.
This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.
After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."
He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.
The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."
The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?"
The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.
Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.
"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."
"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub.
He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.
"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"
The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief.
"Y-you're supposed to be dead!"
"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."
The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.
"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."
https://redd.it/1euwmie
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Porn gives young people a unrealistic and unhealthy expectation....
.... of just how quickly a plumber will show up...
https://redd.it/1euwe9o
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At the Deli, I said to the lady, " I wanna buy a toasted ham and cheese baguette with pickles."
She replied, "We only take cash or card."
https://redd.it/1euoyrb
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day
...by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
https://redd.it/1euj0dq
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Nsfw
Learning to ride a bike and having anal for the first time was a similar experience for me.
My dad was holding me from behind.
https://redd.it/1euc49h
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I once dated this homeless woman
Things got serious and she asked me to move out with her
https://redd.it/1eu0dd5
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What do you call the sexuality where you like Men and Women but they don't like You ?
# Bi - yourself
https://redd.it/1ettbmv
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'' A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the Local swimming pool.''
I gave him a glass of water.
https://redd.it/1etm4d2
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
https://redd.it/1et9cr6
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I asked my wife if we could use toys during sex last night
You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
https://redd.it/1etaw3m
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A man poked his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?"
Glancing at the full shop, the barber replied, "Around 2 hours." The man left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
https://redd.it/1et4vlx
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Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he’s dead
https://redd.it/1esmay2
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