1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Can Tom Cat carry five gallons of gasoline?
No, but Jerry can.
(This got an "oh, *fucking hell"* from my wife, so I have high hopes.)
https://redd.it/1f3f3dl
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I was speeding in my Bugatti veyron earlier when a cop put his blue lights on and pulled me over
He came to the window and asked “do you know why I’ve pulled you over?”
I looked at my car then looked at his police car and replied “because I let you…”
https://redd.it/1f37ivj
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My girlfriend always said that the male genitalia is not attractive, so I decided to cover my balls in mascara, eyeshadow and glitter. I'm pretty sure she liked it.
As soon as she saw them she said "Wow, that's pretty nuts."
https://redd.it/1f2yj76
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If you had sex with your clone…
… Would that make you gay? Or would it just be a really exotic form of masturbation?
https://redd.it/1f2q8ti
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Politics are like sex
If the only thing you know about it comes from your family, you're doing it wrong.
https://redd.it/1f2nukp
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My wife sent me to the supermarket to get cucumbers, eggplant and carrots.
I also bought some **K-Y Jelly** so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan.
https://redd.it/1f2ddkj
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A man was in hospital and a nurse was giving him a bed bath with a sponge
The man asked her are my testicles black? The nurse replied she wasn't going to be washing them. The man kept asking, are my testicles black? Eventually she agreed to have a look, she raised the covers and told him that his balls were fine. He said that's great but are my test results back?
https://redd.it/1f214mx
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I have just learnt Peruvian Owls hunt in pairs.
They are Inca hoots
https://redd.it/1f1vzxg
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A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?"
"Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private.
"DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!"
"SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention.
"That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?"
"SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
https://redd.it/1f1q15l
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All the fraternities in my college rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick to get in.
https://redd.it/1f1mr3o
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
https://redd.it/1f10a04
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A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt.
Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man.
I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly.
https://redd.it/1f14qoc
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A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'
The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.
The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
https://redd.it/1f12xvo
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My wife left me because she said I'm too insecure.
Nevermind, she's back. She just went to pee.
https://redd.it/1f0w18u
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How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it 1? Or 2?
1? Or 2?
True story: told this to my optometrist last week and he’d never heard it
https://redd.it/1f0lrmb
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I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black!
When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.
Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
https://redd.it/1f39eyc
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A man poked his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?" The barber glanced around the busy shop and replied, "About two hours." The man left.
A week later, the same man came by and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?"
The barber, noticing the crowd, said, "Around an hour and a half."
The man left again.
Curious, the barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, could you do me a favor? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking about the wait time, but never comes back."
A short while later, Bob returned, laughing uncontrollably.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go?"
Bob, still chuckling, wiped his eyes and said, "To your house!"
https://redd.it/1f362tk
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children
and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell.
Mrs. Smith said, "I've been expecting you."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.
"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
"Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
https://redd.it/1f2y3jr
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A blonde boards the plane, and proceeds to take a window seat…
A guy walks in right behind her, and says: “I’m sorry but you’re in my seat”, to which the blonde responds: “Get lost.”
The guy: “Oh yeah?! Then I hope you know how to fly the plane.”
https://redd.it/1f2fo89
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A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.
The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.
When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.
Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.
But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
https://redd.it/1f2kk4s
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My girlfriend is a MASSIVE Oasis fan and she said "Please, please, please can we get some tickets for the reunion?!"
I said "mayyybeeee"
https://redd.it/1f20t1v
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Italians, famous for their supercars have designed and built an entire car out of pasta in homage to their national cuisine. Engine body wheels electrical system, the entire thing is made of pasta and it's fully functional. But they can't drive it. The reason?
Gnocchi
https://redd.it/1f23ayk
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Is there sex after death?
That's up to the coroner.
https://redd.it/1f1y8hw
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I was going to re-marry my ex-wife
But she figured out I was just doing it for my money.
https://redd.it/1f1m3q8
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My doctor told me that the radiation from my laptop has damaged my sperm….
Felt like letting him know how badly my sperm has damaged my laptop…..
https://redd.it/1f1jh4l
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A woman is having a gynecological exam.
After awhile the doctor looks up and says,
"You have the biggest vagina I've ever seen! You have the biggest vagina I've ever seen!"
Offended, the woman replies, "Well you don't have to say it twice!"
The doc says,"I didn't."
https://redd.it/1f1dpz4
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Doctor: "I think you should avoid eating anything fatty."
Patient: "Like what? Pizzas? Hamburgers?"
Doctor: "No, fatty. Don't eat at all."
https://redd.it/1f1169x
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Statistics show that roughly every 15 seconds, a person in New York gets mugged.
Poor guy.
https://redd.it/1f0rvvp
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[NSFW] What's big, long, hard, and has cum in it?
A Cucumber
https://redd.it/1f0tmrz
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I struggle with premature ejaculation and have commitment issues
Easy come, easy go.
https://redd.it/1f0lwjr
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