1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A man walks into a bar with an orange for a head.
The bartender pours him a drink and says: “So—you want to tell me about it?”
“Well, I was walking on the beach,” says the man with an orange for a head. “I found an old lamp in the sand, and I picked it up. When I polished the lamp, a genie came out and offered me three wishes in return for setting him free. Thinking it was some sort of trick, I offhandedly wished for a million dollars. Instantly, my phone rang. A man called to tell me I’d won a mail-order sweepstakes for exactly a million dollars. Next, I told the genie I I wanted to fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. Just, then, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen came walking down the beach, strolled straight up to me, wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I knew I had one more wish, so I thought long and hard about what my final wish would be. I think this may have been where I messed up.”
“What did you do?” says the bartender.
“I wished to have an orange for a head.”
https://redd.it/1f86rai
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This is a joke about trickle down economics...
99% of you won't get it.
https://redd.it/1f81d1h
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I took my sister to the cinema and apparently the sex was too graphic
Everyone asked us to stop.
https://redd.it/1f5vzq3
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties"
https://redd.it/1f5tdvt
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Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Me: "Why?"
Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
https://redd.it/1f5mavc
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My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it,
she had me pegged from the start.
https://redd.it/1f5a2xy
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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
https://redd.it/1f4yw4f
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He gently slid her panties to one side...
So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer
https://redd.it/1f4zmmc
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Wife in front of the mirror: “I look awful.” Then turns to her husband, and says: “I need a compliment to make me feel better.”
The husband: “You have 20/20 vision.”
https://redd.it/1f4u7bu
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A guy robs a bank and gets sentenced to prison for life. On his first day in prison...
...he sits down to lunch, terrified. No one's saying anything. You could cut the silence with a knife.
Then suddenly a biker-looking guy at his table stands up and shouts "FORTY EIGHT" and the entire lunchroom bursts into uproarious laughter.
The next day it's a hard looking guy with a shaved head who stands up. "EIGHTY NINE!" and everyone is rolling on the floor.
Every day it's like this. Tense silence. Then someone shouts a number and the laughter.
Well one day his curiosity overcomes his fear, and the guy turns to the old-timer to his right and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"
The old-timer sizes him up, then replies: "well you see there's only one joke book in the prison library, and we all been in here so long we know every joke in that book by heart."
"So when someone calls out sixty five we know it's the one about the nun with the pickle, and nintey seven's the one with the priest, the rabbi, and the three Swedish girls. We all know the joke so we don't need to say the whole thing. We just say the number and everyone gets it."
So the next chance he gets the guy makes his way to the prison library, and finds the joke book. Sure enough, it's got numbers next to every joke.
He flips through the worn pages until he finds a good one about a pickle farmer, his daughter, and his prize pig on their way to church.
Chuckling to himself he memorizes the number: twenty eight. All he's gotta do is say the number.
The next day, the familiar tense silence falls over the lunchroom and he senses that this is his moment.
He stands up, squeaking his chair, and six hundred eyes turn to stare at the new guy.
"Ahem," he starts, nervously, "twenty --uhh -- TWENTY EIGHT!"
Silence. Not a single laugh.
After a few seconds, everyone starts eating again.
He sits down, his face flushing beet red, and turns desperately to old-timer. "What did I do wrong? Did I pick the wrong one?"
"Nah, that one's hilarious." says the old-timer, "it's just some guys can't tell a joke."
https://redd.it/1f4lr4k
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A Blonde Driving
A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.
Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
and could not find anything wrong.
Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"
"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"
https://redd.it/1f4aq71
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Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? Dad: Don’t be silly son,
you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
https://redd.it/1f49peq
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New hooker in town.
Chris and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Chris suggested Julie to become a hooker.
Julie was not sure how to start that, so Chris said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"$200"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"... wife runs back to Chris.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Chris said.
Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.
She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".
She runs back to her husband and says, "Chris can you please lend him $80."
https://redd.it/1f4206z
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There was man whose wife was always trying to save money. She used coupons, barely ran the AC, and stuff like that...
...She also didn't like to use the car much, to save on gas, tires, brakes, etc. Her habit annoyed her husband sometimes. One day while taking the bus home from work, the man noticed that there was often a lot of traffic and he wondered if he could run home just as fast as the bus takes him. So the next day he decided to try it. After work, he headed over to the bus stop, sat down, and put on a pair of sneakers. As soon as he saw the bus he started running. He ran the entire length of the route. And he even arrived home earlier than he usually does. He thought his wife would be happy. He said to her, "Honey, I saved us $2 by not taking the bus. I jogged alongside the bus all the way home!" And she thought for a moment and replied, "Next time, you can save $20 if you run beside a taxi!"
https://redd.it/1f3hsm7
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A man walked into a Men's Warehouse and an employee asked if he needed any help trying on suits. He said "No thanks."
The employee said "suit yourself."
https://redd.it/1f3ochb
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My Irish mother-in-law turns 99 this year. This is her favourite joke!
A girl in a wheelchair goes to the dance hall, but nobody will dance with her. Finally I lad comes over and asks her to dance, so they twirl around on the dance floor for a while.
When it gets to closing time, the girl asks the lad to bring her home. They have a nice chat on the way home and before long are outside her place. The guy says to her: "Listen, any chance of a bit of jiggy-wiggy...?"
The girl says "Aye, but you can't come in, I live with my uncle. But you know what, you could hang me here onto the railings and we can have a go." So they get at it and have a few nice minutes.
When they're finished the lad takes the girl down, puts her back in the wheelchair and wheels her to the door. The uncle opens and says "Well, laddie, thank you so much - you're a real gentleman... The other fellas always left her hanging on the railings!"
https://redd.it/1f87u3k
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My ex never understood my fetish to dress up as a lobster in the bedroom...
She accused me of being shellfish in bed.
https://redd.it/1f63gao
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A Boy and Girl's First Time
The young boy and girlfriend were finally alone together.
He started pestering her for sex.
"Come on, it will be fine, he said."
Blushing, she said "No...we shouldn't..."
"What about just the tip?" he said.
"Well, ok," she replied.
He slowly starts to slide it in, and at first, he tries to keep his word. But soon he is going crazy, and losing his mind he starts humping and pumping with everything he's got.
Moaning, the girl says "I know we said just the tip but...this feels so good. Go ahead and put it all in."
Embarrassed, the boy quickly pulls out, zipping his pants and says, "Nope. A deal's a deal."
https://redd.it/1f5ucc8
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Beware of emails claiming to have nude pictures of the Presidential candidates
The Kamala Harris ones will actually be a computer virus, and the Donald Trump ones will actually be nude pictures of Donald Trump.
https://redd.it/1f5peyz
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I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies.
He is not “fun to be around!”
https://redd.it/1f5a1g3
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My dyslexic blonde girlfriend just said "How do we know which of the other 49 states are real?"
I said: "What? They're all real"
She said: "No they're not, we only know for certain that one is real, no one's certain about the other ones. Just like the saying goes"
\*Now very confused\* I reply: "What saying?"
She looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies confidently: "You know - only two things are certain in life, death and Texas"
https://redd.it/1f5dlu2
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My girlfriend called and said to me in a sexy voice “You should come over, no one is home”. So I went over….
No one was home.
https://redd.it/1f51bes
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A princess promised to marry the man
who will make her orgasm 100 times on a single session.
Many knights and noblemen came forward to try their luck and stamina.
One was exhausted after 5 orgasms. The second after 7.
Then there was one who managed to make her orgasm 11 times, using all his tricks.
Many have tried, but none succeeded. The most successful one lasted to 16 and then died...
One day a new contestant arrived - an ugly, huncback short guy from abroad.
Reluctant, but true to her word, the princess allowed his attempt.
He started doing his thing, counting aloud every time she climaxed.
One, two ,...., seven , ..., thirty three, ..., fifty six, ..., eighty two, ..., ninety three, ninety four, ninety five,...
The princess, fearing she will have to marry this creature and getting the feeling he's starting to get weaker, said: "that was ninety four, not ninety five"
Calmly the man says: "ninety five"
"Ninety four" insisted the princess.
"No, no. Nonety five it is" he says.
"Ninety four, I am positive!" She announces confidently.
"You know what" says the man "I see that this debate is going nowhere. let's start from one again, then"
https://redd.it/1f4vgyv
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My girlfriend is the square root of negative 100. She’s a perfect 10, but also imaginary.
Our relationship is complex.
https://redd.it/1f4ro39
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Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??
https://redd.it/1f43mm1
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A 17 year old Pizza Hut worker parks a stunning Porsche in front of his house...
“Where did you get that car?” his parents exclaim in shock.
“I bought it today,” the teen responds calmly.
“With what money?” his mother demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs, and there’s no way you could afford it!”
“Well, it’s used, and I got a great deal,” the boy explains. “I only paid 20 dollars for it.”
“Who would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies. “She’s new in town. I delivered a pizza to her, and she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
His parents rush over to the neighbor’s house, eager to get to the bottom of this. They find her calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the boy you just sold a Porsche to for 20 dollars,” the dad says, demanding an explanation. “Why would you sell it for so little?”
The woman, without looking up from her gardening, responds, “This morning, I got a call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t plan on coming back.”
“But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for 20 dollars?” the mother asks, confused.
The neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and then says, “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
https://redd.it/1f4c054
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My wife has a sexual fantasy where we pretend to be tax preparation corporations.
I’m Intuit.
https://redd.it/1f44ddn
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Roses are dead, Violets are dead
i am a bad gardener.
https://redd.it/1f3uqxe
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Me and my friends started a band it’s called 999 megabytes
We still don’t have a gig
https://redd.it/1f3j2uy
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My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed..
But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?!
https://redd.it/1f3ggjr
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