1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I dated a woman who had a kink for pouring liquid nitrogen on my junk.
We eventually broke it off.
https://redd.it/1fq4anf
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An American in Ireland goes to a local pub.
After having a pint, he decides to have a little fun.
“I’ll pay 500 dollars to whomever drinks 10 pints of Guinness in 5 minutes”, he says.
Nobody takes him up on his offer but one guy quickly runs out of the pub.
5 minutes later he comes back, says “I’ll do it”, and then proceeds downing 10 pints in 5 minutes.
Impressed, the American pays him the money, and asks “Where did you go right after I made the offer?”
The guy says: “Oh, I just ran to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it.”
https://redd.it/1fpuk38
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My mom just yelled at me because the school called her and asked why I hadn't been to class all week.
I'm just really fed up of the kids bullying me.
I hate being a teacher.
https://redd.it/1fplcvt
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At an auto parts store someone asked an employee, "How about a rear view mirror for a Yugo?"
"Sounds like a fair trade to me".
https://redd.it/1fpaa4z
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I don't know how I always end up with weirdos for my first date.
Like for the most recent one for example, we were at a fancy restaurant and everything was going so well. But right before we started eating, she out of the blue asked me to have sex with a short girl. To be exact, she said, "Bone a petite." I had to leave.
https://redd.it/1fpcc38
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After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.
Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."
https://redd.it/1fp0ysm
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A woman I slept with told me I had the biggest penis she'd ever seen. Turned out she was blind.
She was just pulling my leg.
https://redd.it/1foy34k
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Why do Mormons stop having children after 25?
Because 26 is just too many.
https://redd.it/1fol3sh
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A country rube is about to get married and he asks his Pa,
“Pa, how can I tell if I’m the first feller Norma Sue has ever been with on our wedding night?”
“Well that’s easy son. Just do what I did on my own wedding night. All ya need is some red paint, some blue paint, and a shovel.”
“What the heck do I need those things fer?”
“Well son, you take the red paint and you color one of yer testicles red, then you take the blue paint and ya color the other one blue.”
“Really! And then what Pa?”
“Well then if she says that that’s the strangest looking pair o’ balls she’s ever seen, ya hit her with the shovel!”
https://redd.it/1foigu6
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My friends keep asking me how my life has changed since my vasectomy.
To be honest, I don’t notice a vas deferens.
https://redd.it/1fod9j1
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Why did the quantum physicist break up with his girlfriend?
There was too much uncertainty in the relationship, and he was tired of experimenting with her double slit.
https://redd.it/1fnxbzt
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Treat each other more like The Lord would
I was grocery shopping one Sunday after church when a rude woman cut in front of me in line. I was about to confront her when I remembered the day’s sermon where the Pastor spoke about treating each other more like God would. So instead I followed her home and killed her first born son.
https://redd.it/1fnxxla
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Why is a tile floor like a man?
If you lay it right the first time, you can walk all over it for the rest of your life!
https://redd.it/1fnhob4
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CIA loses an agent
The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.”
The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”
The bartender replied, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”
Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”
The bartender replied, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
https://redd.it/1fndkob
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I just passed my exam in origami.
I got an A+ when I turned the paper into the teacher.
https://redd.it/1fna68g
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I'm absolutely exhausted from my French self-defence class last night.
I've never run so far in all my life.
https://redd.it/1fpw39k
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Everyone says it’s really smart to have another job lined up before quitting your current one
But you’re suddenly an asshole for having a girlfriend before leaving your wife
https://redd.it/1fp9d6s
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TIL: There was an ancient Roman emperor who was blessed by Apollo that he will never cross the age of twenty.
Emperor Constant Teen.
https://redd.it/1fplxoo
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.
https://redd.it/1fpeqf9
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I thought my prostate exam went pretty well until the nurse walked in as the guy was leaving and asked
"Who was that?"
https://redd.it/1fp04yv
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My great-grandfather was shot down 5 times during the Battle of Britain.
Those pilots' wives were more faithful than he thought.
https://redd.it/1fot545
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What do you get when you cross a virgin with a board game?
No fucking clue.
https://redd.it/1foufnn
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Did you know that having too much sex can lead to memory loss?
I read that in Men's Sexual Health Magazine Volume 6, Issue 17, Page 71 on August 24th, 2015 at 8:46 AM
https://redd.it/1fooqd6
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My wife and I were having an argument and she threw a wheel of cheese at me!
I'm like "wow, that's really mature"
https://redd.it/1fo6c70
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Queen Camilla goes to the royal doctor for her monthly check-up.
She drops her gown, hops on the chair and opens her legs. The royal doctor bends over, takes a look, then recoils in horror. “Good god your majesty, your vagina is absolutely cavernous!”. Camilla sighs and says, “I know, old Charlie gave one a right royal rodgering last night after dinner”. The doctor, looking confused, replies, “But your majesty, I have seen the royal phallus, and it is not that large.” To which Camilla replied, “I know, but he fingered me first.”
https://redd.it/1fo7oqr
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Here is a joke that my 8 year old twins found very funny when I told them:
A man enters a craft chocolates shop and asks if they could make a chocolate model car for him.
- “Sure, no problem”
- “And can it look like the VW Beetle that my dad had?”
- “Nice idea, no problem at all.”
- “And can you make it so that the chocolate doors open and you can see the interior detailed in chocolate, like with a plastic model car? Same with the bonnet and trunk?”
- “that will require some planning, but I think i can manage.”
- “And i would like the wheels to roll, and if i turn the steering wheel then the wheels should turn as well?”
- “Mmmh that is fiendishly difficult in chocolate, I will need to carefully plan and experiment…”
- “And finally, can you make it so that the chocolate windows can move up and down when you turn the handles?”
- “Man this is insanely difficult. But give me 3 weeks and i’ll try my best.”
Three weeks later the man returns and indeed there is a lovely chocolate VW Beetle model on display. The chocolatier proudly shows it in all its glorious details: interior, wheels, steering wheel, windows, everything works perfect, and after the demo he asks, “shall I put it in a nice gift box?”
- “No need, I will just eat it here.”
https://redd.it/1fo0ou0
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A muscular, tattooed man with a holstered pistol kicks a saloon door open
Everybody stops and moves aside as he walks up to the bar. He sits down and says to the bartender: 'I want to exchange money with you for goods and services'
A fellow patron says 'Wow... I think he means business'
https://redd.it/1fnkkyh
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I asked my wife if sex is a chore to her.
"Not really," she replied. "Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards."
https://redd.it/1fnjgbb
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What's the best thing about a fortune teller on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free!
https://redd.it/1fncrte
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People say "live each day as if it's your last."
So I spend them lying in bed drugged up to my eyeballs.
https://redd.it/1fn2khw
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