1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
Why religious mathematicians hate trigonometry?
Because of sin.
https://redd.it/1gqmzkx
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
https://redd.it/1gqher0
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Some people say their wedding day was the best day of their lives.
I'm guessing they've never had two candy bars fall out of a vending machine simultaneously.
https://redd.it/1gq4h7u
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An older couple were lying in bed one night
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
https://redd.it/1gq2s6r
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A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.
I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.
https://redd.it/1gpj9wy
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Me : "Remember when I rubbed you out?"
Genie : "Don't say it like that..."
https://redd.it/1gpjmmr
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Me: "Thank you doctor, I feel like I am getting over my fear of the super natural"
Therapist: "Great! That's the spirit!"
Me: "WHERE?!"
https://redd.it/1gpg1e1
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Why is Dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?
Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark..
https://redd.it/1gh8t2d
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if drinking alcohol damages short-term memory…
just imagine what drinking alcohol can do
https://redd.it/1ggysa4
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A man in his final moments of life asks his wife of 50 years…
“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes?"
https://redd.it/1ggvubu
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A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him.
A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.
"Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."
"I am surprised myself, " she replied. "He hated the book."
https://redd.it/1ggknjf
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A young boy knocks on a door and says "Trick or Treat!"
A man opens the door and asks "what are you supposed to be?"
The boy answers "I'm a werewolf!"
The man says "but you don't look like a werewolf, you're just in regular clothes."
The boy responds "well, the full moon's not out, is it, dickhead?"
https://redd.it/1gge3mu
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A man was being charged with murdering his wife
Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."
Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."
Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."
The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'
I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.'
'No,' she said, 'A pygmy is something under your skin that causes freckles.'
I said, 'That’s pigment.'
'No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'
I said, 'That’s parchment!'
'No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...'
'Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'
She said, 'Honey, look at this!'
She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'
I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."'
'No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'
I said, 'You mean a lector.'
'No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'
I said, 'That was Hector, and he was from Troy.'
'No,' she said, 'Hector is a unit of area.'
I said, 'That’s a hectare!'
'No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'
I said, 'That’s nectar!'
'No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'
I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'
Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'
I said, 'That’s called a duet.'
'No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'
I said, 'That’s a duel!'
'No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.'
'And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'
There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:
'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"
https://redd.it/1gg7kyv
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Bad Software engineers are great at sex
Because they need to do many pushes and their releases are delayed.
https://redd.it/1gg5tll
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I saw a guy at a Halloween party and said, “Nice costume. Casanova?”
Him: Guy Fawkes.
Me: I wouldn’t have put it that way, but you’re right.
https://redd.it/1gfypp0
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In order to rebuild my sexual appetite, my therapist suggested I abstain.
I've been rubbing blueberries over my stomach for three hours now but I'm still not horny.
https://redd.it/1gqeo48
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Elon Musk walks into the press conference
and says "Hello, I'm your new Director of International Policy on Space Heuristics and Interplanetary Travel."
A journalist raises his hand, "That's quite a mouthful, Mr. Musk," he says. "Can we use an acronym for that title?"
Musk thinks about it for a minute, the room waiting on him as he works it out. "Uhm...no."
https://redd.it/1gq98gt
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The next time you're feeling down...
just remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times per week, works out twice a day, reads two books a week, and, yet, he still complains about how much he hates prison.
https://redd.it/1gptlio
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A blind man is waiting for the bus to arrive
When suddenly, a man, his wife, and their 10 children arrive at the bus stop. After what feels like forever, the bus finally comes, but they see it’s already very crowded. There’s only enough room for the wife and the children, so the father says to the blind man, “Is it okay if we walk to your destination? I’ll help you get there.” The blind man agrees, and they start walking together. The blind man uses his cane, tapping on the ground—tick, tick, tick—which annoys the father. After a while, the father says to the blind man, “Can’t you put a rubber tip on that stick?” The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber on your stick, I’d be on the bus right now.”
https://redd.it/1gpt6gf
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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .".
Kid 1: "As if.".
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.".
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.".
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.
https://redd.it/1gpq2ga
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Leonardo DiCaprio has removed all his movies from Netflix.
Netflix turned 27 this year.
https://redd.it/1gpj6u2
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I tried making a sex tape, once.
But I finished too quick so it was more of a sex GIF.
https://redd.it/1ghdc96
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The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That….spoke volumes.
https://redd.it/1gh2xks
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LPT: Don’t go as a band-aid this Halloween.
It’s …really hard to pull off.
https://redd.it/1ggpj06
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"I can't find a cause for your illness", the doctor told his patient, "Frankly, I think it may be due to drinking"
"In that case" replied the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
https://redd.it/1gghb4l
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What do you call a group of witches farting in bed?
A Dutch coven.
https://redd.it/1ggjnu8
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Why does Ariel wear sea-shells as a bra?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
https://redd.it/1ggdl03
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A lot of software engineers get laid
Off
https://redd.it/1gg1z0g
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A father and son are out in a field and the father says "Son everything you see before you will be yours when I die"
The son replies: but father I'm blind, I can't see anything?
The father says: yes and I'm poor
https://redd.it/1gfup5t
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Guy's wife is having a heart attack and he calls 9-1-1
G: My wife is having a heart attack, send an ambulance quick.
911: What is the address
G: 1567 Eucalyptus Street
911: And how do you spell that?
G: E, U... wait, U, E, C... wait Y,E.... fuck it, meet me on Oak, I'll drag her over there.
https://redd.it/1gftwqh
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