1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
A farmer counted 297 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
https://redd.it/1j1b9pq
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I asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he has had..
But he fell asleep while counting them.
https://redd.it/1j13atl
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How many American leaders does it take to insult a war hero?
None, but a few Russian puppets will do it just fine
https://redd.it/1j0xw1n
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
https://redd.it/1j0pel6
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I was thinking to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
It would really spice my autobiography up a little.
https://redd.it/1j0jvth
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
https://redd.it/1j0dcvv
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Scientists are carefully studying the effect of cannabis on as many small seabirds as they can.
They're leaving no tern unstoned.
https://redd.it/1izzipg
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What do you call a person who is engaged to Beyoncé?
A feyoncé.
https://redd.it/1j01rpy
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What generation is Forrest Gump from?
Gen A
https://redd.it/1izpfff
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A man at the sperm bank is complaining that he’s having trouble
The manager looks at his coworker and says “get a load of this guy.”
https://redd.it/1i35z4d
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I went to a restaurant this week, and the waiter had his thumb in my soup..
I said "You've got your thumb in my soup!"
He said " I know. I hit it with a hammer and the Dr said I have to keep it warm."
I said "Don't put it in my soup to keep it warm, stick it up your arsehole!"
He said "Well I do when I'm in the kitchen!"
(NOT my original joke! Full credit to the Cornish comedian Jethro.)
https://redd.it/1i2zqe0
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A man sits down at a bar looking dejected. The bartender asks,"is everything alright?" The man replies," No, I got in a fight with my wife and she said she won't speak to me for a month." "Maybe that's a good thing", replied the bartender, "a bit of piece and quite."
"Yeah", the man replies, " Today is the last day."
https://redd.it/1i2twx8
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A genie offers a balkan man one wish, but his neighbour will get double of whatever he wishes for himself.
The man wishes for one of his kidneys to fail.
https://redd.it/1i2l2ro
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My friend, who is a little person, just went to rehab for his gambling addiction.
I called to ask how he was doing.
They said he was a little better.
https://redd.it/1i2eg6n
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My mates think I can only come up with jokes aimed at gay guys.
As if, come on man
https://redd.it/1i29ehj
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Guy goes to church to confess
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”, says the man: “I stole a car. As redemption, I am willing to give the car to you”
Father says: “that’s ok kid. God will forgive you. But I wouldn’t want that car. You should give it back to the owner instead”.
“But the owner said he doesn’t want it”, says the man.
“In that case”, says the Father: “You may keep that car”.
The man thanks the Father and leaves.
Later in the evening, the man receives a phone call from the Father “motherfucker did you steal my car?”
https://redd.it/1j0ych8
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In one, you come as you are, and in other, you arr! as you come.
https://redd.it/1j10cvt
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Did you know that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner?
She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks
https://redd.it/1j0ue92
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a cat leaps onto Watson and pees on him.
"Oh, bloody hell!" Watson exclaims. "My coat is ruined!"
"You'll have to take it up with the owner," Sherlock replies calmly.
"But I haven’t the slightest idea who the owner is!"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrödinger's cat."
https://redd.it/1j0olr8
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A sadist, a murder, a pyromaniac, a rapist, and a masochist walk into a bar
The sadist says "Let's find a cat and torture it".
The murderer says "Yeah, let's torture it and kill it".
The pyromaniac says "Yeah, let's torture it, kill it, and set fire to it".
The rapist says "Yeah, let's torture it, kill it, set fire to it, then fuck it".
The masochist says "Meow".
https://redd.it/1j0ef8y
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The village was running out of water so they hired Mr. McGregor to dig for a new source.
He dug down 10 meters but there wasn’t enough water to meet the village’s needs. So he dug down another 10 meters and found more water, but not quite enough. He dug down another 10 meters and the water he found would meet the village’s needs for years to come.
The village thanked him for his work, but he said, "I think I’m going to dig down 10 more meters." Unfortunately, tragedy struck during this last dig and Mr. McGregor died.
The village brought in the coroner from the nearest town, and after investigating, he completed McGregor’s death certificate. The cause of death?
He couldn’t leave well enough alone.
https://redd.it/1j07miv
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My first day in prison I was so nervous getting naked and showering, I dropped my soap. A big inmate with a cock like a python approached me with a big grin.
He picked up the soap and said "Nice try, you ugly fucker!"
https://redd.it/1j059wp
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Starbucks aims to streamline the company by cutting 1,100 jobs. Staff who are let go will receive a payoff...
which will be 20 cents extra if they put it in their own cup.
https://redd.it/1izsaa6
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sarah has been unemployed for a long time, she heard that there's a job opening in the zoo
the interview person says "an art history degree? we're looking for a veterinary technician but wait, our lioness died and the lion is depressed, if you could dress as a lioness and we'll put you outside of his cage maybe he'll be happy again, we'll pay you 300 dollars a day", she's desperate and takes the job
one time the caretakers left and forgot the lion's cage open, he got out, she got scared and tried to climb the wall, the lion walks up to her
the lion whispers: "don't be scared, i'm Adam, an anthropology graduate"
https://redd.it/1i3adhc
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Satan appears in church
A few minutes before services started Satan appeared in front of the altar in a church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to God's ultimate enemy in his presence.
Satan walked up to the man and said,
"Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't,” said the man.
"Do you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.
"Do you know I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
"Do you know I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
"Do you know I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
https://redd.it/1i2t2jh
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A married Asian woman had a secret affair and got pregnant. When the baby was born, it was Caucasian. Suspicious, her father-in-law remarks...
"Two Wongs don't make a white."
https://redd.it/1i30jxb
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Things you can say whilst parking the car that you can also say in the bedroom
Honestly it will be quicker if you just get out and let me do it by myself.
https://redd.it/1i2qsc6
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Had sex with a navy girl
Told her thank you for your cervix. (True story)
https://redd.it/1i2j40n
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My uncle told me that A.I could never take his job. And he's 100% right.
Mostly because he's unemployed.
https://redd.it/1i2flpc
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They say it's not about the size of the boat, but about the motion of the ocean
And baby I'm a dinghy in a hurricane
https://redd.it/1i248py
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